The Ones That Are Authentically ’90s | Friends

In the year of Joey We're very happy for you. What's the matter? We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so, you know, all right, I'll take care of Who are you kissing at midnight huh Rachel or Phoebe what what you got to kiss someone can't kiss your sister Well, who's gonna kiss my sister? Who would you rather have kiss your sister me or Chandler, it's good point. Yeah Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe, okay beeps beeps Listen Ross wants to kiss you at midnight. It's so obvious. Why doesn't he just ask? Rich rich listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight. What what everyone's got to kiss someone can't kiss Ross You got the history. So so who would you rather have kissing you me or Chandler? Oh good point. Yeah Happy New Year. Happy New Year So that do anything for you Got you a little present It's a slinky Remember, huh walks downstairs alone or in pairs. Everyone knows it's Just a big spring Still mad at me because of the whole horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me How about from now on we just call it the unfortunate incident? Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place. Yeah, yeah doughnuts Hey, hey, I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault Same kind of thing happened to me Woman pizza delivery guy comes over gives me the pizza takes the money and leaves what no like nice apartment bet the bedrooms are huge You know what we have to turn off the porn I think you're right All right ready one two That's kind of nice yeah, that's kind of a relief You want to see if we still have it yeah Speaking Hi Richard, it's Monica. Um, listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight. Um, maybe I'm beginning my period or something. I don't know Anyway, uh, I I I beat them to your machine and I heard this message that that freaked me out and um, You know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I I'm I'm sorry. Okay, and I hope that we can just forget the whole thing Yeah Did that say outgoing Hi, it's Monica. Um, listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight. Maybe I'm beginning my period or something Hello Rachel Gimme can you see me operating a drill press? I don't know. What are you wearing? Babes why would you want to operate a drill press just for some short-term work, you know So I get back some of my massage clients pirates again No, nothing like that Such a dummy I taught this massage yourself at home workshop and they are Hey chance she could work for you Thanks, Joey, that's a good idea What is it well my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks she's having one of her boobs reduced It's a whole big boob story I could be a secretary Well, you know Phoebes. I don't know if it's your kind of thing because it involves a lot of being normal For a large portion of the day I could do that What are you playing with oh, it's my new beeper the hell's a Palaeontologist need a beeper for is it like for dinosaur emergencies help come quick. They're still extinct No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. You know, all she has to do is dial 55 Jimbo a Cool phone number and a possible name for the kid Can you hear that Yeah See that'll stop when you pick up the phone Mr. Bing's office No, I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now Will he know what this is in reference to and he has your number I don't see that he gets the message bye-bye Ross that's hi All right, what do we do now well now I actually have to get to work most likely Okay, I'm gonna be out there, okay. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye Yes I've got three of my five Three of your five what? Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with oh My god, you are giving us a lot of thought. Hey, it's hard. Okay. I only have two spots left All right, who you got it narrowed down to okay? Elizabeth Hurley, oh very attractive. Yeah forgiving Susan Sarandon You know what? She's too political. She probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food first And Isabella Rossellini who very hot very sexy but You know what? She's too international, you know, she's never gonna be around So so you got to play the odds pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time Yeah, cuz that's why you won't get Isabella Rossellini geography Who's chip Chip Chip Matthews The guy who took Rachel to the prom. Why is he calling you because I ran into him at the bank He is still so cute Monica. You're so lucky. He's like the most popular guy in school Hi, it's Monica, okay Okay Okay, goodbye I was just leaving good Cuz I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages. I hope I don't fall asleep Why did you write it? Look at that chip Matthews called wonder what he wants Well, actually I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy Well Why don't you give him a call Hmm are you sure you want to hear this? Oh, I'm sure Chip hi, it's Rachel Rachel green Yeah, you left me a message Yes, you did. My roommate wrote it down Monica Geller. Oh That's right He called to ask out Monica That's gotta be embarrassing found you in my bed How'd you wind up there? You are a mystery Little black curly hair Little black little black little black little black a little black Want to receive emails about my upcoming shows then please give me money so I can buy a computer All right. Let's uh, let's start with the cons cuz they're more fun Rachel first No, I mean All right. I guess you can say she's she's a little spoiled sometimes you could say that Guess you know, sometimes she's a little bit see, you know And I've seen her be a little too into her looks But oh and like Julie and I we have a lot in common because we're both paleontologists, right? But Rachel's just a waitress waitress Got it. You guys want to play dune? Or we can keep doing this What else I don't know Oh Her ankles are a little chubby Okay, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her? She's not Rachel well He broke up with Julie Well, go hug her for God's sakes Really it's always been you Oh, this is good, this is really good. I know I know it's it's almost What do you say we go take a walk just us not them Okay, no, hey, whoa, I'll get your coat, okay What nothing no see see hey it's printing Hey, someone order a coat Something about me on his computer and he won't let me see he won't he won't Because isn't that isn't that the the the short story you were writing Yes. Yes. It is a short story that I was writing Hey, why don't you read it to her? All right It was summer and it was hot Rachel was there a Lonely gray couch. Oh look cried Ned And then the kingdom was his forever the end Popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say hi, Phoebe That's cute we really all enjoyed it But you know, it doesn't count count for what just count in our heads as good mad libs If we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something Rules are good rules help control the fun. What do you been up to? Teaching aerobics partying way too much. Oh And in case you were wondering those are my legs on the new James Bond poster Can you hold on a moment I have another call I love her I know I'm back Absolutely How about tomorrow afternoon? Do you know Central Park in the village say five ish? Great. I'll see you then. Okay Okay Having a phone has finally paid off Even though you do do a good Bob impression. I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow. She's probably gonna realize. Hey, you're not Bob. I Am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up she will seek comfort in the open arms of the rye stranger at the next table My god, you are pure evil Okay, pure evil horny and alone I've done this This is so unfair So I have a flaw big deal Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking is an annoying and Ross with his over-pronouncing every single word and Monica with that Snort when she laughs. I mean, what the hell is that thing? I Accept all those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this? Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Well, I I could live without it Was it like a little annoying or is it like when Phoebe choose her hair Don't listen to him Thebes. All right, I think it's endearing. Oh you do do you? You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly indeed there isn't I should really get back to work. Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered The hair comes up In a minute So, what do you say Joey you get the whole set of encyclopedias for $1,200 that works out to just 50 bucks a book $1,200 You think I have $1,200 I'm home in the middle of the day and I got patio furniture in my living room. I Guess there's a few things you don't get from book learning Well, what can you swing? About zero down and zero month for a long long time You don't have anything Okay, I got a baby tootsie roll a movie stub keys a Kleenex Rock and an army man Okay, I I get the picture up. Thanks for your time and a 50 These must be Chandler's pants 50 bucks you can get one book. What'll it be a B C. I think I'm gonna stick with the V I want to see how this bad boy turns out Did you break up with Joanna? I think so. That's a good thing You got out when you did before she blew up like that Vesuvius The volcano. Yeah, and speaking of volcanoes man, are they a violent igneous rock formation? Yeah, lava spewing hot ash, of course summer dormant Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden? Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about vivisection? the vast difference Vietnam War Anybody see that that documentary on the Korean War With such a sad history There'd be more Kim's Phoebe's not here. Is she no. Oh great. Did you get a movie? Yeah, yeah, but I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night. Did you? What's going on Phoebe's a porn star Phoebe buffet in buffet the vampire lair Where did you get that well down at the adult video place on bleaker and and I saw Joey was about to go in so I ran in ahead of him to to surprise him and I mean, I just can't I can't believe this, you know, I mean you think you know someone even even Phoebe Who's always been somewhat of a question mark? This is so bizarre I guess it kind of makes sense though. She you know, she had such a terrible childhood I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn Yes, but you're dead inside I'm gonna take that back. Why can't wash that? I mean that's Phoebe. Yeah, you're right. We can't we shouldn't watch You know, maybe a little bit how about just the first time No, this is wrong. You guys Phoebe's our friend, but I'm not gonna watch it. Yeah good for you, Joe I thought I'd find you here. That's for our tool Are you going to plunge your steak into my dark places? Actually, I was kind of hoping it would be the other way around Hold on a second. What is that on her ankle her ankle is what you're watching Well, it's hard to tell You just stop moving just doing her job sick bastard Wait, that's Ursula. That's a Phoebe. That is Ursula What's that oh my god one more time Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs? No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts Good that's good. Okay I want to quit the gym You want to quit? I want to quit the gym You do realize you won't have access to our new full-service Swedish spa I want to quit the gym Okay, dave in the membership office handles quitters Excuse me. Are you a member? Me No Sorry members only I want to quit the gym. It's okay, man. Be strong So Are you a member of any gym? No, and i'm not going to be so you can save your little speech. Okay, no problem Could you come here for a second? Hi, i'm maria um You guys check it out. Check it out. Guess what job I just got I don't know, but donald trump wants his blue blazer black Blue blazer back. He he wants it back But you said black Why would he want his blue blazer black You know what I meant no you messed it up You're stupid All right, we're running low on resumes over here. Do you really want a job with popular mechanics? Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for Hey, look you guys i'm going for anything here, okay, I cannot be a waitress anymore I mean it sick of the lousy tips sick of being called. Excuse me Rich did you proofread this? Uh, yeah, why? Uh, nothing i'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent computer skills Oh, do you think it's on all of them? Oh, no, i'm sure the xerox machine caught a few joey got you the joey special two pizzas Joe Hello, damn it Hello No, joey's not here right now, but I can take a message I think He's still got a chance for the part. Oh, that's great news Well, no, obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog Oh, well, that's great. I will give joey the message. Thank you. Yes Okay mac audition At two Allergy Actor attacked by dog not flowers Please tell me you got the message what message the actor playing mac couldn't do it. They needed to see you at two o'clock What? It's six o'clock I wrote it on the board I wrote it on the board all over new york city looking for you. I went to ross's I went to the coffee house I went to any place that they make sandwiches I can't believe this chandler. Sorry. I I don't know what to say. Well, you you might say Congratulations. I saw the board. I went to the audition. I got the part Is that supposed to be funny? I was really worried over here. Oh, well, you know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean Oh, wow. Okay, man. I'm, sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad. Well, that's good Because you didn't and i'm incredibly happy for you That's mean You really had me going there we could do this all day. Yeah, you're right Hello Hi, it's me Hi. Oh, i'm so glad you called Really? I've been thinking this is crazy. I mean don't don't you think we can work on this? Hey, what do you want to drink? Who's that? Nobody Is it okay if I finish the apple juice Is that more Oh, honey, look he just came over. Yeah. Got it Hey dinosaur guy. Look at you. So sad come dance. Oh, that's okay. Thanks Hey You don't have to smile Just have to dance. I don't feel like dancing. I feel like that having a drink. Okay. Okay Hey two beers aside from that the whole evening was pretty much a bust. Yeah, we We really missed you guys. Yeah, look We were just saying this whole thing is so stupid We just I have to really really really not let stuff like this about money get like Is that a hickey? Oh, no, I just I fell down On someone's lips Where'd you get the hickey You know a party or what party well, it wasn't a party so much as a a gathering of people With food and music and and and the band You partied with hootie and the blowfish yes, apparently stevie and hootie are like this Who gave you that? That would be the work of a blowfish Oh, that's nice Oh I'm here We were just Wow, what? Great now i'm having a baby What? No, i'm having i'm having a baby Ross I'm hurt Check it out. Check this out says here. There's a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums It's almost as good as being there You can't go to a museum in your underwear But probably just the one time I bet we could get videos of all the sites get a vcr in a hotel room. We'd never even have to go outside If we do that, we've got to rent diehard Oh, I bet the british version is good I guess we should go. No, wait, wait. Oh, yeah, right No, monica. Monica. We have to fix this There's nothing we can do you erase the message Yeah, well unless we tell him look if you're going to be totally rational about this. I can't argue with you All right Fine, if you want to tell them tell them I just I don't want to be a part of it Oh, maybe that's emily calling back to leave the exact same message Hey ross, it's you I just want you to remember this feeling You are lucky to be alive So live every day to the fullest Love yourself, okay Okay Oh, I'd also get stamps. Bye Wow leave that message for emily and this whole problem goes away right this is just It's her it's that victoria's secret model something Something good aker. Hi mom. It's jill. She's right. It's jill Oh my god, I am trapped in an atm vestibule with jill good aker Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on you idiot Yeah, i'm fine i'm just stuck at the bank at an atm vestibule jill says vestibule i'm going with I'm fine. No, i'm not alone. I don't know some guy. Oh some guy Hey jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes. He was some guy Do you like some gum? Oh, is it sugarless? Sorry, it's not oh then no, thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note if jill good aker offers you gum You take it if she offers you mangled animal carcass you take it You know on second thought gum would be perfection Gum would be perfection Could have said gum would be nice could have said i'll have a stick but no no, no, no for me gum is perfection I loathe myself Okay, what next Blow a bubble a bubble's good. It's got a um, boyish charm. It's impish Here we go Nice going imp Okay, it's okay. All I need to do is reach over and put it back in my mouth Good save we're back on track and i'm chewing someone else's gum And now you're choking You're choking Yes, thank you that was that was perfection My boy, here's my boy and here's his barbie What's uh What's my boy doing with the barbie? He picked it out at the toy store himself. He loves it. He carries it everywhere. It's like a security blanket But with ski boots and a kiki beret Yeah, it's it's it's cute why why why does he have it again So it's got a doll so what Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up to be in show business He doesn't have anything to do with that. He's been raised by two women with it You know what? It's fine if you're okay with the barbie thing, so am I Give daddy the barbie. Thank you. Give me the barbie. Okay, how about don't you want to play with a monster truck? No, okay, oh, oh, how about a dino soldier Everything's going fine. Really? Yep. Ross is great. He's uh He's in a whole other place No, he's gone No, no, you you don't have to fly back really What do you mean this might be your only chance would you stop i'm only 26 i'm not even thinking about babies yet Four letters circle or hoop ring damn it ring. Thanks Hey, you know our phone's not working what I tried to call you from the coffee shop. There was no answer. I turned it off Mother of god, I turned it off Just like you told her you did Just pointing out the irony This is for the babies to look at someday so is there anything you want to say, you know before it all starts Oh, okay. Um Hi kids. Um, it's me. I'm phoebe Can't wait to see you Please don't hurt me Took you guys so long your cab left when ours did We had to go back because I forgot my jacket You're not wearing a jacket Oh, man, I did it again We have someone has to call frank and alice and then my mom likes joey. What are you doing? I gotta get the before shot. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, there's none of that in here Oh, come on, man. At least let me finish this last one Okay, but only if you give me a drag Okay Oh dark mother once again, I suckle at your smoky teat I don't know. Why don't you hold on to that one? Okay, that's like the least fun game ever Well, i'm really sick of your smoking. So I brought something that is going to help you quit Oh Nope, that patch is no good It's a hypnosis tape this woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since What's your problem Nothing it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap Ross I watched you get hypnotized in atlantic city. Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me Okay. Oh, right because you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play wipe out on your butt cheeks All right Forget hypnosis the way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather And then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men Or what my father calls thursday night falling fast asleep deeper deeper deeper You are now completely asleep You don't need to smoke Cigarettes don't control you You are a strong confident woman A strong confident woman The millionaire's here. Oh my god Guys please i'm just gonna have dinner with him. Okay. Okay. Okay, just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything Okay, then get the lobster Every night A strong confident woman who does not need to smoke cigarettes don't control you You are a strong confident woman Who does not need to smoke? Joey's your best friend you want to make him a cheese sandwich every day And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants Hello, hey, I spent the night out I met this cute bridesmaid she is so I I don't want to hear about her Oh thieves, you know, you're still my number one girl No, no, we had emergency. Okay. Rachel's coming to london. Oh great It's not great. No, she's coming to tell ross that she loves him, but he loves emily. I know that You have to stop her she's gonna ruin the wedding, okay Okay, so i've done my part, okay, it's your responsibility now the burden is off me right, right So tell me about this girl I gotta tell you. I love your mom's books. I love her books. I cannot get on a plane without one I mean, this is so cool Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it's cool if you're 11 years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of mistress bitch Hey, hey, hey, she's on What is this about you you being arrested in london, what is that all about your mom was arrested busy beaming with pride This is kind of embarrassing but Occasionally after i've been intimate with a man now, why would you say that's embarrassing? I just get this craving for kung pao chicken. That's too much information All right, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going? Oh fine i'm leaving for new york Tomorrow, which I hate but I get to see my son who I love And this is the way that I find out most moms use the phone You know Don't take this wrong. I I just don't see you as a mom Somehow I don't mean that. I don't mean that bad. Oh, no. I am a fabulous mom I got my son his first condoms And then he burst into flame that's it I cannot make this decision it is too difficult So I am just going to leave it entirely up to the gods of fate A magic eight ball, but you can't be serious. You can't make this decision with the toy. Oh, it's not a toy Well, I don't know what else to do I mean I either keep my wife and lose one of my my best friends or I keep my friend And get divorced for the second time before i'm 30. So so if anyone else has has a better suggestion Let's hear it because I got nothing. All right, don't be shy any suggestion will do Okay, then Here we go magic eight ball Should I never see rachel again? Ask again later Later is not good enough Ask again later This is broken it is broken Let me see Will chandler have sex tonight Don't count on it Seems like it works to me Hello. Hey Hey, listen, i'm i'm sorry. I didn't make it over there today. Oh, that's okay. You uh, you had a thing Yeah, well I hear the place looks great oh forget about it i'm having a ball How's the apartment doing? Oh, hey, it's it's terrific. I mean it's a regular space Best Oh, well great Yeah, I just You know wanted to call and say hey Well, okay then Was that the oven timer? That's right, my friend It's time for Can you believe they gave stephanie skin cancer I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant Uh, you're just saying that because you're in love with yasmeen bleat. Well, how could anyone not be in love with yasmeen bleat? See this is the brilliance of the show I say always keep them running all the time running run Call him but oh you came to tell him you love him. I I was right. I'm, right, right I'd really rather talk to him Do where he is? Ross are you there? I can hear this but i'm gonna talk anyway, uh i'm in the states with your sister and your friends and It's all over with colin I came here to tell you that and to tell you Yes, joey you can have all the chocolate you want just take it I I came here to tell you That I love you I love you, too I'm, i'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth. You can't hear me So how's your date with your cyber chick going? Oh, hey, what is all that? Oh, it's a website. It's the guggenheim museum see, uh, she likes art and I like funny words What does she mean by hh It means we're holding hands Are you the cutest i'm afraid I might just be You know what I think is so great that you are totally into this person yet for all you know She could be like 90 years old or have two heads or It could be a guy Okay, it's not a guy. All right, I know her it could be like a big giant guy Hey Is the show still on almost over man? Hey noni. Oh cool. Is that the pole? Hey Oh, no, here I am. Look, this is my big scene All right back off I got a gun not afraid to use it. Oh joey. That's right. You couldn't have at least changed your shirt Now I want a suitcase filled with a hundred thousand dollars Filled with a hundred thousand dollars in small bills and if I don't get And if I don't get it I'm gonna shoot this duck I'm coming up And she's supposed to buy this joey Ground control to major tone Commencing countdown engines Um, that's uh scenes from next week's show next week Hey, joey. Hey peeps. Listen, uh, can you do me a favor? I got the pin number to my atm card Can you get it for me? Sure. Where is it? Uh, I scratched it on the atm machine down on the corner Ah, so you're five six three nine. That's it. Thanks Oh, do you want to talk to chandler? Is that joey? Let me talk no because he didn't believe in my movie Which is a big mistake because it is real real Hey, you know what? I've been trying to apologize to him all week if he's not gonna let me do it on the phone I'm gonna go down there. I'm gonna do it in person. Uh thieves. I heard that. Uh, can you put them on? Yeah Hey, don't come out here No, no, I support you 100 and I want to prove that to you in person. I got that. I forgive you Don't come out here Forgive me. You haven't been taking my calls for a week. Well, i'm totally over it chandler friends forever Don't come out here Would you mind doing a picture with us What was that, uh entertainment tonight, okay, so good talking. Yeah, and don't come out here. All right Wow cool poster or should I say groovy poster? So, uh, where were we are those your teeth? Oh You you can see them, huh Yes, they're insanely white. Yeah, I I did that for you What's the matter with you it's me you've got a black light it's 1999