Ricky Gervais & the Golden Globes (2026)

I last hosted the Golden Globes in 2020. It was the fifth time over a ten year period. And I liked them more and more. And the last one was my favourite. Because the world changed in that ten years. The first time I hosted them in 2010, the press of America, they hated me. It was this annoying Brit, insulting the most important people on the planet. By the last time I hosted, they were like, yeah, go on. Because ordinary people have got sick and tired of being lectured by these multi-millionaire, nothing wrong with that, these liberally entertainers telling them how to vote and how to recycle. When everyone knew they were getting free jet rides to Pedo Island. So it really hit the zeitgeist. But it was always the same deal. Whenever they said, do you want to host? I said, yeah, I'll host. I said, but I'm going to write all my own jokes, which is unheard of apparently. I said, I'm going to write all my own jokes and I'm not going to rehearse. So you can't hear the jokes beforehand. You can't cancel any. And they let me do that. I did have to show a lawyer the jokes about an hour before to make sure I hadn't broken any laws. And I never had, because I know the law. Sometimes the lawyer would go, are you sure you want to say that? And I go, is it legal? They go, yep, technically. I go, let's do it. I've never had a joke stopped by the Golden Globes. That says something about them, to be fair. So anyway, thank you. This last time they said, oh, you've got to see the lawyer the day before now. I went, okay, great. So I was driven to the Beverly Hills Center and they're all setting up, right? And the photos of the A-listers are all in their chairs. Oh, there's Brad. There's Leo. There's Bob. Oh, this one. And this big guard showed me to this room and he opened the door and he shut it behind me. And I looked and there were suddenly 10 lawyers in suits. It was usually like this middle-aged woman in a jumper. And I thought, what the happened? Is it because it's my last time? And they're just making sure I don't say anything. And they were there and I went, hi. I went, hi. I said, should I do the monologue? They went, please. Tough crowd, right? So I had the monologue, right? And I was sort of going through, it was like seven or eight minutes long. So I was doing the jokes. And after each joke, I sort of looked up and they were sort of going, making notes. A couple of the younger ones were going, like that. And I got to the end and I went, that's it. And they went, good. I went, oh, great, yeah. And then the head lawyer, who's about 60 years old, he had white hair. He went, oh, yes, there was one thing. Now, I did this joke. I don't know if you remember. It went, the world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And it goes on. At one point I go, but Dame Judi Dench said it was the role she was born to play, because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her back leg, and licking her own minge. So this lawyer went, he said, this is all true, by the way. He went, when you say James Corden is a fat pussy, that's just referring to his role in Cats, right? I went, yeah. Yeah, definitely. OK, great. This is easy. I went, call yourself a lawyer, right? And that was it. And I went, have a great show. And as I was leaving, I saw one of the other lawyers lean in and show this head lawyer his iPhone. And the head lawyer went, oh, yeah. Oh, sorry, Ricky, can you come back a minute? Right, so I'm there. I went, yeah. So he had the phone there. They'd looked up the word minge. Got away with it, right? So it's now like I'm getting told off. And the head lawyer said, no, it says here that the word minge is a derogatory term for female genitalia. I went, well, yeah, it's a slang word for vagina in England. You don't even use it here, do you? He went, no, we don't. But we got around the world. And with due diligence, now we know it's derogatory. We'll have to bleep that word live. I went, don't bleep the word. Because people at home won't know what I've said. It'll ruin it. I said, it's literally the punchline. He said, if it's derogatory, you'll have to bleep it. I said, well, what word could I use that you wouldn't bleep? And he went, well, you could say vagina. I went, I'm not saying vagina, right? Nothing funny about it. It's so clinical. I was thinking, Julian, you're at home going, why is he talking about my actual vagina, right? I said, minge isn't like that. It's like, it's not so specific. Because vagina's so, where's your vagina? There, right? Where's your minge? There. It's like, then one of the younger lawyers went, what about box? I went, I'm not bleeping saying box, mate. So much for looking at your own box. I said, minge is perfect. I said, people won't know what, if they're in America, they won't know what. I said, it's not offensive. It's like, I said, kids use the word in England. I went having it. So I went, I said, what about flange, right? So they looked up the word flange, right? And he went, well, that would just be confusing, because in America, a flange is a part of a sink unit. I went, oh, well, I said, please let me say minge and don't bleep it. I was really rooting for minge, right? It was like 12 Angry Men, going, no-one's leaving till I can say minge, right? And after about ten minutes, I wore them down, whatever. I said, that won't work. I was going, please. I said, I'll write, you won't get any complaints and all this sort of, and eventually the head lawyer went, okay, you can say minge. I went, and you won't bleep it? He went, no, we won't bleep it. I went, you promise? He went, yes. And I left. I knew they would. And they did, right? So when I said minge, I pointed. The most frequently asked question I get about the Golden Globes is always, was someone so angry about what you said about them, they came up to you afterwards, and I always go, oh, God, no. I wouldn't even say if that had happened, because I don't really, I don't like gossip, to be honest, right? There was one guy I thought took it the wrong way, right? It wasn't a bad, no, the cameras went to him, and I'm not in control of the cameras, so I think he was caught in the headlights. It was Elton John, right? But it wasn't a bad joke. I was introducing Madonna, okay? And I later found out that him and Madonna were in this feud, and he hated being mentioned in the same sentence as her, but I didn't know at the time. I was confused, right? And it wasn't part of the monologue, but I'm there for like three hours, right? And now and again, the stage manager put a head around the door and goes, do you want to introduce so and so? And I go, yeah, fine. And I come out and I either do it straight or I ad-lib. And this was little ad-lib, because I saw Elton in the front row, right? So this was a joke. I came out and I said, our next presenter is the queen of pop. Not you, Elton. Sit down, right? And it sort of went to him. He sort of went... And I thought, oh, he hated that. And I was thinking, why is he... I said, oh, God, do you think I'm homophobic? Oh, I'm not homophobic. It was always in my head. Then I thought, he must have heard worse, right? In the 1980s, right, when Elton John was in the closet, he wasn't out, he was married to a woman, right? He was also chairman of Watford Football Club. And he and his then-wife would go along and watch Watford play and the entire crowd would sing, Don't Bend Down When Elton's Around Or You Might Get A Willy Up Your Arse. Which puts my little quip into perspective, doesn't it? I don't know how football fans know how to start at the right time in the same key. Do they hand out sheet music before a *******... We're doing Willy Up The Arse in C. Geoff's doing a solo. It's like... And what they usually do, they get a traditional tune, so everyone knows it, and they change the lyrics. Some genius changes the lyrics, right, to be as offensive about someone or something or somewhere or whatever, right? So the tune they used to use, I remember it, it was that old Cockney knees-up song. My old man said follow the van And don't dilly-dally on the way Do you know that one? Remember the term dilly-dally? They use it very creatively in their version, right? So this was their lyric. It was the 80s. It's not politically correct. I apologise, but they're football hooligans. What are you going to do, right? So let's analyse their genius lyrics, right? This is what they used to sing. Don't bend down when Alton's around Or you might get a willy up your arse I mean, you might. Not necessarily his, but, you know, mathematicians amongst you would have to go, yeah, there's a slight... Like, if 1,000 people bent down when Alton was around, one of them might randomly... Someone might come off a bicycle and go, sorry, like that, and they're off. And the scientists would go, one. Do you know what I mean? There's a slight... Also, when Alton's around, that's ambiguous. That could fit... Like, you could have two gentlemen having anal sex in a hotel room, right? And then the next day they find out that Alton John was staying in the next room. They go, oh, I got a willy up the arse when Alton was around. You know? Anyway. Don't bend down when Alton's around Or you might get a willy up your arse He has the nerve to call us dear We all know he's a... Sorry. And he goes, he dallies and dillies They've reversed it, why? He dallies and dillies He plays with people's willies OK, I don't know what play with means in this context It could be like... It could be anything, couldn't it? I thought you were going to suck it No. He dallies and dillies He plays with people's willies He's up every arse in town I'd stop him there I'd go, no, that is provably false He's not up every arse in town, is he? We can prove that Take Watford 120,000 people He is not up 120,000 arses, is he? I mean, half of them are women So 60,000 tops, right? And I don't think he's been up 60,000 And if he has, good luck to him But that's not my point This is my point, right? What did his then wife think of that? Because he's in the closet, right? And she's just married Alton John the Pop She's in love She's so proud of him Alton John And he's chairman of Watford She goes, I'm married to Alton John the Pop star I'm married to Alton John the Pop star And then the entire crowd sing Don't bend down when Alton's around Or you might get a willy up your arse She must have gone Why are they singing that, Alton? And he goes, I don't know, watch the game You know what I mean? It must have been awkward Well, that's nearly it for me But I've just, um I said earlier I've never had a joke stopped by the Golden Globes And that is absolutely true But I've just remembered a joke That I stopped myself Because I bottled it a bit And I want to I think I was being over cautious I want to share it with you, right? So I got the chance to introduce Jason Momoa Do you know who Jason Momoa is? Yeah, right? So I thought the meta joke would be To show my hypocrisy and my cowardice Like, I'm OK to slag off actors Who's scared of actors? But when it comes to a big dude, right? I'm not so brave So I was going to go I've got nothing bad to say about our next presenter Because he's got a cock like a baby's arm Right? And I told my mate I was going to do that And my mate went Do you think people think that's racist? I went Why is it racist? He went Well, because he's a person of colour I went No, but it's nothing to do with that It's to do with the fact that He's so big That he'd probably have a cock like a baby's arm Right? So I didn't do it And I had a great follow up I was like I'll tell you the whole thing This is the whole thing This is what I was going to do, right? Right I'll go out and go I've got nothing bad to say about our next presenter Because he's got a cock like a baby's arm Unlike Peter Dinklage Who's got an arm like a baby's cock It's great to hear this sort of laughter again Because you probably don't notice it as much as comedians But we've had a really weird ten years Where we're really second guessing Is that okay? I don't know Some people could find anything offensive But we pushed back and we won So far Until the next time They haven't gone away They're just licking their wounds They'll be back with some madder But remember who it is next time, right? It's always like these sort of educated Middle class Privileged Elitist sort of people Telling ordinary working class people What they can and can't do and say and love Not realising how important comedy is to ordinary people Like when I was a kid growing up in Reading with nothing Humour was like a lifesaver It was like a superpower