Ricky Gervais The Most Dangerous Woke Joke Ever Told.

That's something else entirely students say Michael Jackson was there and he was leaving me No he was heading straight toward that People don't think about it because it's perfectly fine That's very good That's very good indeed I believe if he had lived to establish it He had eaten the rap Because everyone wanted that one It had also been significant in a room It had been there in that manner The future would say Michael were you afraid of all those people He was on his way he The future said calm down let's come out I hope you're feeling better about Wales And this is an unbelievable room It's true take a look at it In Wales there are 10 million Welsh pedophiles Ten million paedophiles in Wales In Wales And there aren't enough people like that That moment was the bridge to the future It was people and someone was going and I was You know let me handle it We'll be coming out here and I was thinking about that matter earlier There's nothing I can do about it it's the truth Alright alright Yes I'm doing it But you need to try harder Your own suspicions as well I was the one who received this horse Yes Chinese pedophile Approaches the little Chinese boy and says Do you want a puppy The boy replies I'm not hungry You made me do that and you committed the hate crime I forgot —let me get back on track right Right I've got a woke joke Remember those jokes we used to tell as kids —like doctor doctor jokes Like "Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains " " Well pull yourself together then right " I've I've done a woke version of that updated it to meet today's standards right So Blur goes to the doctor he says Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains And the doctor replies Well then you are Good chap isn't he I should get into politics now that I'm awake but I dislike it when a comedian simply lectures about their own political views and it depends on the audience agreeing with him to earn a round of applause I think that misses the comedic mark I want everyone to enjoy my jokes No matter your political views a joke shouldn't have a political agenda I'm politically engaged in my personal life as everyone is I'm often outraged by the inequalities in our society We are among the seven wealthiest economies in the world yet homelessness persists—there are 250 000 homeless people in Britain I wish there were no homeless people because they're absolutely terrible You know Oh yeah right next to the bloody cash machine you cheeky bastard It's a serious issue and I hope none of you ever end up homeless But if you do my advice is to steer clear of heroin It apparently lifts your spirits I've got one of those mates My mate said this to me in all seriousness He said Yeah but the thing about heroin Rick Some of the greatest albums of all time were made on heroin weren't they I went Yeah but they were created by some of the greatest artists of all time weren't they You're a plasterer If I were to give you heroin you wouldn't produce Dark Side of the Moon would you You'd nod off watching TV and set the damn house on fire I should keep up with current events but I never watch the news Actually I did see something recently on YouTube Do you know the little guy from Game of Thrones The actor Peter Dinklage You know Peter Dinklage Yeah He was at a press tour for a new project he was working on right They were filming it which is why it ended up leaking onto YouTube I don’t know what triggered it but he suddenly went off on a rant Oh God He was leaving—this is absolutely revolting They're still putting on productions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs For heaven's sake it's absolutely humiliating—this is 2023 He wasn't happy He was in a bad mood wasn't he He does have a valid point now doesn't he Clearly he does But it's all right for him since he's a multimillionaire Hollywood actor and he's an outstanding performer too—he tackles Shakespeare and everything else with ease A lot of dwarves in entertainment aren't that good No some of them are absolutely terrible—they're just props right No let's be honest—they're lucky to be fired from a damn cannon right And so dancing around Snow White for three weeks each year— that’s their holy grail and he’s going to ruin it for them If he goes through with that what can they possibly do He's not suggesting you cast regular-sized actors in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs You can't do that either—you'd get in trouble for it in Hollywood Or you can't take a dwarf's job or a disabled person's job Eddie Redmayne faced criticism for his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in the biographical film The life story of Stephen Hawking Won an Oscar for it and that's when the backlash began People were saying No it should’ve been played by a real disabled performer All of this right And they're saying the actor should have the same disability as the person they're portraying But this is Stephen Hawking's life story isn't it So for the first part of the film the character could walk right So I ask you what’s easier Finding an actor who can walk pretend he can't for the final moments of the film or get an actor who can't walk and just pretend he can for the first bit How the hell would that even work Puppetry Think I always find an actor with the same disability as the person they're portraying They're ******* actors What if they made a biopic about Helen Keller the deaf mute and blind woman What are the chances of finding a deaf mute and blind actress who could pull off that role And if you did you'd rush to the director and say We found a girl who was deaf mute and blind What did she say She didn’t even answer the damn phone Oh don't even get me started Cultural appropriation Have you heard of it Cultural appropriation The latest taboo Now again in my day it was seen as a positive thing to exchange ideas with other cultures with other nations to share things with other races to assimilate It was the opposite of racist Now it's racist Gwen Stefani faced backlash in her latest video for sporting her blonde hair in dreadlocks with people pointing out that dreadlocks were originally created by Black people You can't have them You're white That's racist Jamie Oliver faced backlash after sharing an authentic jerk chicken recipe People responded No Black people invented that You can't have it—you're white That's racist Now Black people they use the N-word don't they We invented that That's the one isn't it Listen I know white people are the worst I know that—that’s why nobody likes a damn white middle-aged man anymore unless we need someone to fix a boiler Then get the bald guy around here now Critical race theory Have you heard of it It's being taught in schools now especially in trendy areas Just like in LA exactly like 5-year-olds and 6-year-olds If you haven't heard about it in short critical race theory claims that all white people are racist We are born into racism and remain racist because we benefit from the privileges of a racist society established by our ancestors Therefore essentially all white people are racist And there's nothing we can do about it which is a relief I think the world is becoming harder and harder to make sense of as I grow older and more confused with a new dogma emerging in the name of progress Dogma is never progressive no matter how new or trendy it seems but I think I’ll soon be outnumbered Like it was only this year that I ordered my first item from Amazon Throughout the entire pandemic Jane’s been saying bang things are coming in we need this it’s here And I'm like oh and she says it' s easy I go mm I never liked real shopping either Hated real shopping especially clothes shopping I used to hate clothes shopping when I was young and thin Now that I'm fat and old I really hate it even more right Once a shop assistant thought I had my inside leg measured and my waist measurement was upside down I could see her thinking do you have an orangutan set No it's for me you cheeky Yeah I've never liked actual shopping but I don't trust the internet either Jane was going to do it—just enter your credit card details no problem I said oh I don’t want to give out my credit card details She said everyone already has your credit card details Just enter the number which one She went the tall one oh damn me hand it over There you go you're on Order some up I thought oh I don’t want anything Oh sweatpants— you can never have too many I wear mine until they fall apart right So I grabbed a pair of men's track pants black with zip pockets size around 38 Oh my god they actually look pretty good Size chart I'm thinking well they'll be a little long but also a bit snug I thought 9.99 I figured oh screw it who cares right So I ordered them They arrived the next day I opened them up They were terrible Now I don't know which sweatshop made them or which poor eight-year-old Chinese child put them together but that kid should be punished And I was trying to figure out where the hell to complain to get him fired right And I discovered these kids only make two dollars a day in these godforsaken places right But what happened to pride in your work You know what I’m saying And some of you are thinking oh yeah but he didn’t think Ricky Gervais would order them Well no but maybe he should be told there’s a chance at Ricky Gervais might order them His owner should sit him down right and say if Ricky Gervais orders these and complains I'm going to assault your mother again That's too much Sorry Trust me with it You won't grasp how brilliant this satire is until I'm gone I don't know how humanity will end as I've said There's a long list of possibilities from nuclear wars being back on the table—something I can't even believe After everything we've learned I still think the rise of the pandemic might come from where parasites microbes and bacteria along with our antibiotics ultimately fail Or perhaps those things do happen but we' ve gradually evolved past them We discover pockets of slightly radiation-resistant individuals scattered across the globe and slightly resistant to microbes and we kind of start over Because we don't truly understand the mechanism of human evolution since civilization as it's never been based on you know survival of the fittest where fittest meant simply the biggest strongest male gets to pass on his genetic material There are other paradigms right Nature is brutal Sometimes it's the biggest strongest male who wins the female and even then she still has a litter If there's a runt she thinks screw it just kill that one Devour it share it with the rest of us Now we don't do that in human society We go the other way We spend more time and care and attentio o give the weak and vulnerable a chance Like if you're a father with two kids you've got little Timmy who's six right You've got Jack who's eight and then you go to little Timmy—Timmy what do you want for Christmas — and he says a motorized wheelchair Ah-ha I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice and I completely forgot It's too late now isn 't it What do you want for Christmas Timmy A motorized wheelchair Right Well they start at two grand so ******* hell What do you want Jack Just a tennis racket please Dad Oh good lad How is your tennis Top of the class Oh you clever boy And there's a ramp too Bloody hell So now we're doing bloody construction work at Christmas are we Christ really Oh sorry Jack can't afford your tennis racket We have to spend all this money on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair for this money-hungry little bastard Why do you need a motorized one He’s got no arms That's perfectly fair I know some of you might feel a little uneasy laughing at little Timmy a six-year-old boy His voice is a bit funny because his chest is all messed up No arms no legs just like stuck right But let me tell you something about Timmy to make you feel better about yourselves He's a goddamn racist Yes you little bastard He is You damn You little damn bigot You disgusting little damn racist You racist scum You filthy little damn You fascist You damn You absolutely repulse me Homophobic Yeah He’s like they’re not like us Nothing’s like you You disgusting little ******* You prejudiced little piece of You ball of hate You disgusting little ******* racist homophobe I wish we'd had a scan You absolute You misogynist If he could he'd rape There's there's your little Timmy Some people don't believe we evolved at all Others think God created us all at once in a single act by Himself I think if he'd had a wife or a partner there would've been questions about his work wouldn't there What are you doing Creating a man Oh what’s in it What do you mean Does it have like claws and fangs and stuff No not really no