The Ones with Monica vs. Chandler | Friends

Okay, Chandler, Mon, there's only one banana nut muffin left. Oh, well, order mine first. Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster. Give it to me. No. Give it to me. Okay, you can have it. Here, coffee. That was there when I got here. You will never guess who's coming to New York. Quick, Phoebe, tell us before you can swallow. Okay, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy. You went out with a guy in the Navy? Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in saltwater taffy because he didn't have any change. Hey, is that when you rode saltwater taffy, man? No. No, he is my submarine guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time, he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay. Wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time? That'll teach you to lick my muffin. Isn't this great? Couldn't you just stay like this forever? Chandler, couldn't you just stay here forever? Yeah, here, somewhere else, you know, wherever. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm cool. Casual. What are you doing? Just hanging out, you know, having fun, you know, with the girl that I'm seeing casually. Man, I knew it. I knew you were going to do this. What? Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff. Well, you do want all that stuff, right? And you know what I want. Yes, you want babies. You have baby fever. I do not have baby fever. Oh, please. You are obsessed with babies and marriage and everything that's related to babies and marriage. You know what? I got a good idea. Why don't we turn the heat down on this pressure cooker? Lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me. This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap. Nuh-uh. I know you, okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head, in your head. I don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? And did you know that the only baby around here is you? And did you know that I can't even look at you right now? Yo, I did not know that. It's going to be okay, right? I mean, she's not going to leave me. This is, this is fixable. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely. I'm me. Oh, no. Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture. Yeah, big. Oh, ----, the missus. Can I get a coffee to go? I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. What? Well, that's what we do. You know, I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it. And then I do. And then, you know, you think I'm all cute again. I'm tired of being your relationship tutor. You're going to have to figure this one out for yourself, right? You know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. Dude, some guy just called for you. Who was it? I don't know. How about, thanks for taking the message. Hey, listen. You know, when you move in, Rachel's room is going to be empty. You want to talk about what we want to do with it? Sure. Okay. I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on it all the time. And then we can have a roll-top desk with little comment cards so people can tell us how much they love staying here. Or whatever, you know, I really haven't thought about it that much. Well, I like that idea, obviously. But I was thinking maybe it could be a game room, you know? I mean, you can buy old arcade games like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200. The real ones. The big, big, big ones. No. Okay, so you mean no as in, gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let's discuss it before we reject it completely. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, interesting idea. Talk about it. But no. So that's it. I just don't think that, you know, arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is going to be filled with antiques. Which is why Asteroids is perfect. It's the oldest game. What do you have against the beautiful guest room? Nothing. I don't have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody that we know lives about 30 seconds away. Are you mocking me? No, I'm not mocking you or your beautiful game room. Nothing. Monica and I had a stupid fight. But you're still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. Wanted female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly. I love your breasts the way they are. Ugh, fascist. Well, my breasts are going to get bigger whether you like it or not. And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too. Your ass? Don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too. Do that? It's kind of a package deal. Why would you want to do that to yourself? I thought it was something that we both wanted. All right, look. If it means that much to you, I may be able to get on board with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? God, Chandler. If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital with the blood and the screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her? What? Would you look at them? I'm never going to find a boyfriend again. Die an old maid. You're not going to die an old maid. Maybe an old spinster cook. Thanks. Hey, no, besides. Worst comes to worst, I'll be your boyfriend. Yeah, right. Why is that so funny? You made a joke, right? So I laughed. A little too hard. What am I, not a boyfriend material? No, you're Chandler. You know, Chandler. Okay, so we've established my name and hit me. But theoretically, you know, I mean, say we weren't friends. Say it's a blind date. I show up at your door and I'm like, hey, nice to meet you. Hey. I'd probably be scared of the guy using a fake voice. Hi there. That's that weird voice again. Okay. Let me try it again. You're going to want to date this next guy. I swear. Okay, come on. I'm Dorf. You date for the evening. Oh, come on, Dorf on dating. That's good stuff. Got it. I have got it. Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good. All right, what's going on there? Oh, that's parents day. First grade. That's me with the janitor, Martin. Where are your parents? Oh, they didn't want to come. Oh, Chandler, poor thing. So that story doesn't make you cry? No, look, I don't cry. It's not a big deal, okay? No, it's not okay. It's not okay at all. You're dead inside. Hey, sweetie. Hey. Chicken soup for the soul? There's no back to this couch. Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff. Yeah, I know, but I figured I'd give it a shot, you know? I mean, maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was, you know, all dead inside. Oh, that's so sweet. Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry. I love you. Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest. Stop it. No, I mean, come on, seriously. Think about it. We get married, I'm up at the altar, and I'm like this. I won't care because I know that you'll be feeling it all in here. Yeah? Yeah, and if we have a baby one day and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what? And if we take him to college and we come home and we see his empty room for the first time and you've got nothing, it won't matter to me. Okay, well, I won't worry about this anymore then. Yeah, and you know, if I die from a long illness and you're writing out my eulogy and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says I will always be with you and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll be crying a river inside. I love you so much. What is wrong with you? Much. What? You can't shed a tear for your dead wife. I left you a note from the beyond. So you didn't mean any of that? No, you robot. I don't even know what to say. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh my God, are you crying? I just don't see why those two can't work things out. Hey. You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. Oh boy, me too. You know, I was thinking, if we had a big fight and we broke up for a few hours. Yeah. Technically, we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering? Sloppy and immature. That's me, come on. My cousin Cassie's in the guest room, we're supposed to have lunch. Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill. Shrill? The wedding is back on. Why have I not told you? Oh, I don't know. Um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace? What? Wait a minute. You are dead meat. I didn't know it was a big secret. Not at all. You know, kind of the same lines as, say, oh, I don't know, having a third nipple. You bitch. Whip it out, whip it out. There's nothing to see. It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless. Oh, as opposed to your other multifunctional nipples. I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. Joy, what do you think a nubbin was? I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that's what it was. Hello. Honey, you're screaming. You bet your ass I am. Had the best first day ever. The kitchen, twice as big as Alessandro's. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and clean. Not just health department clean, Monica clean. Awesome. Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Jeffrey, he's the maitre d'. Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met. Hey, did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you ever met? Yeah, so? Wow. Really, do you not know Chandler? Is that why he's acting so weird? He's jealous? Oh my god, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Jeffrey. So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing. You know, like Ross's thing is... Science? Academia? Being a good father? No. He's that upset about this. Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay? Because he's feeling like... Hey. Hey, hey. What are you guys talking about? Uh, Rachel and I, uh, hired a male nanny. You got a man who's a nanny? You got a manny? Male nanny, but I do draw the line at male wet nurse. If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. Can you stop it? What is so funny about that? I don't know. Well, just the way you say it. I mean, you're funny. You got that funny thing. You're a funny guy. Did you tell her what we talked about? Yeah. So those were pity laughs? Pity laughs? Honey, listen. You have nothing to worry about with Jeffrey. Oh, yeah? Is he funnier than me? Well, you're, you're different funny. I mean, you're, you're more sarcastic and, and... Well, he does bits and impressions and, and limericks. I, I do limericks. Uh, there once was a man in Chandler whose wife made him die inside. Honey, you know I think you're hilarious. But you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye? Slayed me. Hey, I made up that joke and told it to you. Not knowing when to shut up. Yep, that's my thing. Yep. Well, I'm off to Tulsa. So if your matri-D friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to email me at www.haha-not-so-much.com. Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Jeffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore. Really? See, that's the thing. You gotta keep it smart, people. Okay, miss that flight. You know I love you. I love you, too. And I like you as friend. All right. See you later. See ya. Did the guy really make that joke? Nah, he still kills me. Last night, he had me laughing so hard, I swear, a little pee came out. Okay. See? She stole my jeans. And she is wearing them. So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you? Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. She must have been planning this for years. I'll prove it to you, okay? About a week ago, I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap, and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back, I will find it and show you that stain. Shouldn't we give her the benefit of the doubt before we go snooping around her crotch? You guys, check it out. Check it out. Guess what job I just got. I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black. What? Blue blazer back. He wants it back. But you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? Well, you know what I meant. No, you messed it up. You're stupid. Janice, how are you, Miss Hot Shot Chef at the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever? I'm fine. Who's the lucky guy? Oh, my God. I am so sorry, sweetie. Are you okay? You didn't tell her we're getting married, did you? Well, she saw the ring. Did she freak out? No, she was shocked when I told her, but then again, so were most people. Well, she actually has a boyfriend, you know, herself. Name's Clark. She also kind of invited herself to her wedding. Clark, too. You said no, right? Huh? You said no, right? Well, she cornered me. She asked me if the wedding was in town. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Lie! How hard is that? Your check's in the mail. Oh, your baby is so cute. I can't wait to read your book, Ross. Come on, so she comes to the wedding. And you won't be so bad. What, do you think she's just going to sit there quietly? You don't think she's going to want to make a toast? You don't think she's going to want to grab the microphone and sing part-time lover? Oh my god, she's not going to like the chicken that night either, is she? You know what? It's going to be okay. You know what? She's probably not going to even want to come. Really? No, that was a lie. See how easy that was? You would have just lied? Yes. Would it have really been that easy? Yes. Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with her and Clark. We're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner. So you're going to put out that cigarette. We're going to put this fight on hold and go have sex. Fine. What? Sex! This is the last day that I'm ovulating. And if we don't do it now, then we're gonna have to wait till next month. You're serious? Oh, yeah. All right, fine. I'll do it, but no talking. And no cuddling. And no kissing your neck. Oh, good. I hate it when you do that. And lots of kissing your neck. Okay, let's see. Okay, the turkey's in the oven. The stuffing is ready. You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year. Oh, Taylor, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Dr. Phil tells you to do. I'm serious. Let me do something. Just not the turkey or the stuffing. Nothing high profile. Oh, the cranberry sauce. It's easy to make and no one really cares about it. Tell me more. Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these. Not with soap! You obviously haven't tasted my palmolive potatoes. I'm serious. We should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you. Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross junior year at Disneyland? Oh, no, no, I can't do that. If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said. Okay. So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So, Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy. Oh, my God, he threw up? No, he visited a town a little south of throw up. So, what was Phoebe's secret? Um, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting fired. That's it? I gave up my Disneyland story for that? That's right! You lose, sucker! How could you tell her? I had to, okay? We're getting married. Married couples can't keep secrets from one another. Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Too rude! What happened in Atlantic City? Well, Chandler and I are in a bar. And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So, after a while, he goes over to her. And after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler is not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. You kissed a guy? You want to tell secrets? Okay, okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers. All right. Chandler entered a vanilla ice look-a-like contest and won. Ross came in fourth and cried. Oh, my God! Oh, is that funny? Oh, you find that funny? Well, maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets, too. I already told him everything. You shush! Once, Monica was sent to a room without dinner. So, she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made. Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls. Monica couldn't tell time until she was 13. It's hard for some people. Of course, it is. Remember one time where my aunt... I'm sorry, I couldn't think of any more for Ross. In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm. That was you. God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption. There's so many ways to go, and this is, like, the biggest decision of our lives. There's a hair in my coffee. Hey, guys. Hey. Hey, have you seen Frank Jr.? Because he's meeting me here with the triplets. You know, it's funny. Every time you say triplets, I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year-olds. That's sweet. Drink your hair. Hey, what's all this stuff? Uh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies. Ooh, babies. Oh, this one is so cute. Get this one. That's not really how it works. Oh, how does it work? I don't know. Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you. Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great? I'm sorry. I thought maybe I'd make some warm milk and it would help me sleep. With a wok? I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you to sleep. It got interesting. Damn you, Oprah. Here, let me make the milk. I'm up anyway. Hey, you know what we could do? You know, now that we're up, we could just, like, talk to each other all night long, you know? Like we did when we were first going out. It'd be fun. It does sound fun. Yeah, how bummed were you when the second sister died, huh? The second sister dies? No. No, I was talking about the book I was reading. The Second Sister Dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest? That's correct. Laura, what are you doing? Do you know what just happened? Yeah, we had sex and we fell asleep. No, we were in the middle of sex and you fell asleep. No, that's not true. No, best time ever. You rock my world. Monica. What? I was giving you some of my best moves and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right. Okay, okay, I'm ready. Come on, big fella. Give me the good stuff. Yeah. No, no, no, don't fall asleep. Okay, I'm going to make you some coffee. Oh, I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Okay, I'm up, I'm up. Chandler B. Hi, honey, we're all here. We just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, Merry Christmas. I miss you guys. Oh, is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard? Well, no, it's just me and Wendy. Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name. It is. Did I not tell you about her? About the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else? I sent them home. Oh, you are such a good boss. Is she pretty? Answer faster, answer faster. I don't know. Answer better, answer better. I don't think of her that way, you know. I mean, she's a colleague. What does she do there? Oh, she's regional vice president. She's just below me. She did what? Below me. Oh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma? What? Well, she didn't win. All right, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work. Well, second prettiest that year. I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably... Oh, Chandler, stop talking. Honey, there's really nothing to worry about. Okay. I'm serious. Okay. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, you guys. The wife says hi. Ah, fun conversation. Oh, well, she's just got this weird idea that, uh, you know, just because you and I are alone, something's gonna happen. Huh? Really? That be so terrible? This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but you're getting ham on my only tie. Just never seen your little stretchy pants before. And we're changing. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. She's insane. The woman is insane. It's before work. It's after work. It's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now they won't bring me my mail anymore. Oh, no, no, no, no. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. Why not? Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. You say stop, and we stop. Okay. Stop. No, come on! We can't stop! Come on, we got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train, and you are on board. Woo-woo! It's 6.30 in the morning. We're not working out. It's over. No way! With one pound to go? Come on! Prove it! Okay, I don't... I don't mind the last pound, okay? In fact, I kind of like... the last pound. Okay, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret. Oh, what you gonna do, fat boy, huh? What? Nothing. Except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have. Oh, thanks! I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. You know. You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed. Uh-huh. And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. Well, no, but I... I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all. You know, I try to stay positive. So you... You feel like going for a run? All right. Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here. Okay. Just for a little while. Good work. Yeah? I love him. Don't worry, we'll find you someone else. So I've been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the, um, cheese side of things. Cheese, you say? That's some pretty smelly work, huh, Don? Excuse me? Cheese, it's smelly. You must smell a lot of the time, too. Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I'm one of those people who thinks the smellier the better. Me too. Yeah, Chandler can't stand it. He won't even allow me to have blue cheese in the house. And you're still married to him? I'd like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn't that be nice? Sure, why don't you set it up? I'll just be over here browsing through the personals. Are you okay? You've been acting weird all afternoon. Yeah, fine. Not perfect, but good enough. Cheese, what is with you? I'm sorry, did you say cheese? What's going on? Phoebe thinks that you and Don are soulmates. And I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but then you two totally get along. So look, I won't stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese. Chandler, you don't believe in soulmates? No, but I'm sure tomatoes does. I don't believe in soulmates either. You don't? No, I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard. So you don't want to live with Don in a cheese house? No, I've had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean? Hey. What's the matter? Somebody on the subway licked my neck, licked my neck. Oh, Willie's still alive. What are you guys doing? Oh, my mom called. They're going to run our engagement announcement in the local paper. So we're looking for a good picture of us. Oh, I'm afraid that does not exist. That's not true. There are great pictures of us. No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who's going like this. That's the creep that you're with at the Statue of Liberty. I don't know what it is. I just can't take a good picture. Here's a great one. Yeah, I'm not in that. No, but look at me all tan. Hey, why don't you guys go get portraits done by a professional photographer? It's a great idea. I bet they have one of those wind machines, you know, like... Yeah, that's great. Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid. Chandler, what do you say? All right, but I should warn you, I'm not going. I'm going. Great. That's great, Monica. Great. Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Okay. I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? No, I am. Chandler, Chandler, excuse me. I know you can do this, okay? You have a beautiful smile. I do? Yeah. All right, maybe you don't have to smile. Let's try something else. Let's try, um, try looking sexy. Okay. Or not. Let's try a look of far-off wonderment. Okay, we'll gaze into our future, and we'll think about our marriage and the days to come. Chandler, what is the matter with your face? Wait, this picture is supposed to say, Geller and Bing to be married, not local woman saves drowning moron. Don't laugh at him. He's my drowning moron. That's it, that's it, take it, take it. I like this one. It seems to say, I love you, and that's why I have to kill you. It can't all be bad. Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Oh, there it is. Oh my God, those are my bedroom eyes? Why did you ever sleep with me? Do you really want to pull at that thread? That's a great smile. Easy, natural. Now pretend I have a camera. You're changing it. I can't help it. All right, all right, all right, all right. You want to know what I do when I take resume shots? Borrow money from me? Okay, first, first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous, right? Okay, so here's what I do. I look down, look down, keep looking down, then I look up. See? All right, now you try. Look down, keep looking down, keep looking down. Why is there jelly on your shoe? I had a donut. Yeah, Joey said I needed to relax, so he gave me an antihistamine. Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is far. Taylor, what were you thinking? No, no, but don't worry, don't worry, because I know how to take a picture now. Okay, see? Look down, look down, look down. Chandler? Yeah? Check it out. My mom sent me the paper. Oh, let's see it. That looks good. You guys make a very attractive couple. Yeah, we look great together. We really do. Okay. Wow, imagine what our kids would look like. You know, we don't have to imagine. I'm marrying her. We'll just see. Well, then you should look with us. Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? No, I have a great idea for a present for her. Oh, that's it? A great idea, okay. Chandler, that's not enough. I mean, what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and then a bunch of little presents, and you've just gotten her one great present? I mean, that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? If I helped, we could find them faster. That's right. A Macy's bag. Yeah. Oh, who's it for? Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you. Uh-oh, she may be on to us. We are so gonna find them this year. You know, you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look. You don't, you don't do that every year, do you? Yeah. You don't, like, go into the back of my closet and look under my gym bag or anything? No, no, never do that. Because that's where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I've never seen before in my life. I couldn't find anything in Joey. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, we found them. They were in the guest room closet behind some coats. Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about because they're all crap. Those are my gifts. I got those for you. Oh, thanks, Chandler. They're great. Well, Chandler, then what is this very weird, um, metal A-Z thing? Those are bookends. It's a great gift. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Thank you for my ass. Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay? Yes, okay. Oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey. Birds have a very good sense of direction. I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden. Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter. Or we could just follow your clever jokes. Any ideas? Nope, didn't think so. Okay, you guys, show us where the presents are. Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage. I wonder what I can get Monica that's as good as garbage. Hmm, how about my ass? This is hollow. What? This bench, it's hollow. I can't believe I never knew that. Oh, it's for Chandler! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. We can't do this. Why? I don't want to know what Monica got me, you know? I mean, look, I'm sure she worked really hard at getting me a present and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are going to ruin that. Look, we have to put these back. This is not what Christmas is about. Whatever, Linus, I'm opening mine. Nobody is opening anything, okay? I don't know about you guys, but I want to see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back? Will you get us better gifts? Fine. Hey, guys. Presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier? That's what you got me? Oh, yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless. Hey, Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute? Oh, no, you guys just stay here. I'm going to go check her diaper. Pheebs, you want to come? Oh, I'm kind of part of this. Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband and wife kind of thing. I knew I should have married Chandler. Okay, what's up? Okay, um, you know how we always said it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking, and I could write, we could picnic along the Seine, and go wine tasting in Bordeaux. Oh, yes. Okay, you know how people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma? What? Who says that? People who've never been to Paris. What's going on? We're moving to Tulsa. Excuse me? Okay, Miss McKenna, she kind of works above my boss. She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently said yes. Tulsa, Oklahoma? The Sooner State. Whatever that is. Chandler, I don't even want to see the musical Oklahoma. Really? Oh, what a beautiful morning. Surrey with a fringe on top. Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma or that you're gay? Not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise? No, no. But they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. I'll get out of it. Thank you. What is wrong with Emma? Oh, she misunderstood. She thought she was moving to Tulsa. And you know, if I get really hot, um, I, I like to pick up this knife and, and, um, I put the, the cold steel against, um, my body. Are you all right? I'm fine. What do we got here? 20-year-old male. He's got a severed toe on his right foot. Could you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is. Severed toe. You just said it. It says here the knife went right through your shoe. Of course it did. They're made of wicker. Did you bring the toe? Oh, yes. I have it right here on ice. Don't worry, son. We'll just reattach it. What? What is it? You brought a carrot. What? This isn't your toe. This is a small, very cold piece of carrot. You brought a carrot? Oh my God. There's a toe in my kitchen.