Stop Wasting Your Life on These Things | Taoist Wisdom

there's a strange thing about wasting your life most of the time it doesn't feel like you're wasting it it feels like checking one more message before bed thinking about an argument for the 50th time working late because you don't want anyone to think you're falling behind buying something you weren't even thinking about until you saw somebody else with it or worrying about a problem you can't do anything about until next week none of these things seem dramatic while they're happening and maybe that's exactly why they take so much from us nobody wakes up in the morning and says today I'm going to waste part of my life we lose it in much smaller pieces 10 minutes here an evening there a few months chasing something we thought would make us feel different sometimes years and then one day you look back and realize something uncomfortable a surprising amount of your life was spent reacting to things that barely matter to you anymore you can check where your money went last month your bank can show you every coffee every Bill every subscription every purchase but nobody sends you a statement for your attention there is no report at the end of the month saying you spent 14 hours worrying about things that never happened you gave 30 evenings to people whose opinions you don't even respect you lost six months comparing your progress with people you hardly know you spent years trying to prove something and now you're not even sure who you were trying to prove it to maybe that's one reason Taoist philosophy still feels so relevant more than 2,000 years ago thinkers associated with Lao Tzu and Zhuang Tzu were already suspicious of something human beings still do today we make life harder than it needs to be and then congratulate ourselves for surviving the difficulty their answer was not always try harder quite often it was the opposite stop forcing stop adding stop chasing every desire that appears stop assuming that because everybody else is running in one direction you have to run there too that sounds simple it isn't because much of what drains our lives comes disguised as something respectable ambition responsibility self improvement success being useful being admired being right the Taoist question isn't whether these things are always bad it's whether they are worth what you are giving them and that is a very different question Taoist philosophy developed in ancient China during a time that was anything but peaceful the world connected with Lao Tzu and Zhuang Tzu was full of political conflict competing states social rules court intrigue war and philosophers arguing over how people ought to live some thinkers wanted better laws others emphasized education ritual duty hierarchy or moral discipline then you encounter texts like the Tao Te Ching and the Zhuang Zhu and sometimes they seem to look at the whole human project and ask what if we're simply trying too hard to control everything The Tao Te Ching traditionally associated with Lao Tzu is a strange little book it doesn't read like a modern philosophy textbook it gives you images water valleys empty rooms uncarved wood soft things overcoming hard things sometimes it makes a point then seems to contradict itself and leaves you alone to think about it the Shuang su can be even stranger its stories contain giant birds crooked trees talking animals skilled craftsmen dreams jokes in conversations with people who may never have existed Zhuangzi doesn't always argue with you directly sometimes he simply makes your certainty look a little ridiculous and that's part of the point the texts are complicated and it would be a mistake to imagine that Taoism was invented all at once by one man sitting under a tree but one idea appears again and again human beings are remarkably good at creating unnecessary struggle we invent standards we become attached to them then we suffer when reality refuses to cooperate one Taoist idea that captures this is Wu Wei it is sometimes translated as non action but that can be misleading Wu Wei doesn't mean lying on a couch and refusing to participate in life a better way to understand it is action without unnecessary strain doing what the situation actually requires without adding a mountain of ego panic resistance and force think about water water moves it isn't lazy it can travel enormous distances given enough time it can reshape stone but water doesn't stand in front of a rock shouting you should not be here it goes around that difference matters because a great deal of what exhausts us is not the thing we have to do it's the fight we have with the fact that we have to do it the first thing worth dropping is somebody else's scoreboard a lot of people spend their entire lives trying to win a game they never consciously chose by 30 you should have this by 40 you should own that you should make a certain amount of money your house should look a certain way you should be married you should have children you should be promoted you should travel you should look successful while doing all of it nobody gives you these rules in an envelope you absorb them from family school friends advertising social media the people around you and before long the word should is running half your life you see someone younger who earns more money and suddenly your own career feels inadequate you watch a friend buy a bigger house and somehow the home you liked yesterday feels smaller today nothing in your actual life changed the comparison did Zhuang Zhu was deeply suspicious of fixed standards like these again and again he plays with the idea that what looks impressive from one perspective may look completely ridiculous from another what is useful in one situation can be useless somewhere else what one person calls success may feel like a prison to somebody else and yet we behave as though there is one correct way to arrange a human life there isn't you can spend 20 years climbing a ladder before realizing you never cared where it was leaning that doesn't mean ambition is a mistake but borrowed ambition can be Lao Tzu places enormous value on knowing yourself that sounds obvious until you notice how many people know exactly what the world expects from them but have almost no idea what they actually want they know what salary sounds impressive they know what kind of house signals success they know which career looks good when somebody asks what they do for a living but ask them what enough would feel like and the answer gets strangely vague that's dangerous because if you never decide what enough means for you someone else will decide it for you and usually it will be someone who benefits from making sure you never reach it which brings us to another trap the belief that more will eventually feel like enough most people don't think of themselves as greedy they just need a little more a little more money then they'll relax a better job then they'll stop comparing themselves a nicer home then they'll feel settled a different body then they'll feel comfortable a few more accomplishments then they'll finally feel like they've done enough the problem is a little more has a habit of moving you reach the salary you once dreamed about six months later it feels normal you buy the car eventually it becomes the car you drive to work you get the recognition you want it for a few days maybe a few weeks it feels wonderful then somebody else gets more the doubt of Jing keeps returning to the problem of desire that no longer knows where to stop that doesn't mean human beings should have no desires you need food shelter security you want friendship love meaningful work maybe you want to build something create something travel raise children there's nothing strange about any of that the trouble starts when wanting becomes your permanent state of mind and modern life is extremely good at keeping you there you can be perfectly content until you open your phone 10 minutes later you've discovered a better kitchen a better vacation a better body a better watch a better morning routine and a stranger who appears to be living a better version of your life that's quite an achievement for 10 minutes of scrolling your life didn't suddenly become worse your attention was simply introduced to another reason to be dissatisfied that's why the Taoist idea of contentment is not outdated today it may actually be rebellious to be able to look at something and say that's enough for me that is freedom enough doesn't mean you stop growing it means your peace is no longer held hostage by the next upgrade another thing we waste enormous amounts of life on is forcing things that will not be forced we admire persistence usually for good reason many worthwhile things take years you don't learn an instrument by touching it once you don't build a business in an afternoon relationships take patience learning takes patience recovery takes patience but persistence can quietly become stubbornness and stubbornness can become a refusal to notice what is actually happening think about trying to sleep you're lying in bed at 1:37 in the morning you need to be awake at 7 so you start doing the math if I fall asleep right now I can still get about 5 hours now there's pressure you tell yourself to relax you try harder to sleep and naturally you become more awake sleep is a small example of something Taoism understood very well some things happen better when you stop trying to dominate the process you can prepare the conditions turn off the light put the phone away close your eyes but eventually sleep has to arrive you cannot force it and the same is often true of trust creativity love grief sometimes even a difficult decision you can do everything possible and then there comes a point when pushing harder adds nothing Huawei asks us to notice that point not every problem is solved with greater force sometimes the wiser move is to stop interfering that can feel frightening because force gives us the feeling of control if we're pushing planning talking checking explaining worrying at least we feel like we're doing something but doing something and helping are not always the same thing sometimes we keep trying to fix a relationship that has already told us what it is sometimes we keep explaining ourselves to someone who has no intention of listening sometimes we stay in a career because we imagine another year of effort will somehow make us want the life it gives us there are times to push absolutely but there are also times to notice that you have been pushing against a wall then there's business ask someone how life is going and there's a good chance you'll hear the same answer busy we say it with exhaustion but sometimes also with a little pride busy means people need us busy means things are happening busy means we must be important at least that's the story but you can fill every hour of a day and still do almost nothing that matters a full inbox a calendar packed with meetings 10 browser tabs open notifications all day podcast playing at double speed meals eaten while answering messages and then evening comes and there's an uncomfortable question hanging in the air what did I actually do today one of the interesting ideas in the Daodejing is that ordinary learning often means adding more more information more knowledge more techniques but following the Tao is described differently it involves reducing removing letting unnecessary things fall away that runs against almost everything in modern self improvement culture we're always told to add something wake up earlier journal take a cold shower meditate learn a language go to the gym read 50 pages build another income stream network meal prep optimize your sleep track your steps and somewhere between optimizing the morning and optimizing the evening you may accidentally optimize all the empty space out of your life maybe the better question isn't what else should I be doing maybe it's what am I doing that doesn't need to be here that meeting nobody needs that group chat you check from habit that argument you keep rehearsing that commitment you accepted because saying no felt awkward that half hour every night spent scrolling through things you won't remember tomorrow subtracting is not laziness sometimes it's the only way to make room for what deserves your attention and then there is the past somebody says something cruel to you it takes them 10 seconds you can spend 10 years replaying it that is an astonishing return on their investment we all do this an argument ends three hours later you're having a much better version of it in the shower now you have the perfect answer you say exactly what you should have said they finally understand how wrong they were you win completely there's only one problem none of it is happening the other person may be eating dinner somewhere while you're fighting a ghost this is where the Taoist understanding of change becomes useful reality keeps moving whether we approve of it or not relationships change people leave bodies age good periods end bad periods end too but the mind doesn't like this movement it wants to freeze certain moments and negotiate with them this should not have happened maybe it shouldn't have but if it did there comes a point when fighting that fact creates a second injury acceptance does not mean saying something was fair it doesn't mean forgiving somebody who hasn't earned forgiveness it doesn't mean staying quiet you may need to leave confront someone set a hard boundary get help take action those are things you can do now what you cannot do is travel backward and edit yesterday at some point you have to ask how long does this person get to keep living in my head especially if they're not even thinking about me another enormous drain on life is comparison human beings have probably compared themselves with their neighbors for as long as we've had neighbors social media didn't create the problem it just made it available 24 hours a day now you can wake up reach for your phone and before your feet touch the floor you already know that someone younger is richer than you someone is fitter someone is traveling through Italy someone bought a house someone got married someone sold a company someone woke up before sunrise worked out meditated and apparently achieved enlightenment before you made coffee and you're still in bed of course you feel behind but behind is a strange word behind on what road Zhuangzi repeatedly challenges the idea that one standard can measure everything different creatures thrive in different environments different people look at the same situation and see completely different things life doesn't fit neatly into one universal scoreboard and yet we compare ourselves as though everybody received the same body the same temperament the same opportunities the same responsibilities and the same destination when you actually think about it that makes very little sense you might genuinely enjoy your job until you learn what somebody else earns you may like your apartment until you see a larger one you may feel proud of your progress until somebody gets there faster nothing about your experience changed you simply replaced experience with measurement comparison pulls you out of your own life and makes you stand beside it with a clipboard how successful is this how attractive how impressive how far ahead eventually you stop living your life and start grading it there will always be somebody better at something always if that fact can destroy what you already have peace was never going to last very long Zhuang Su gives us another strange idea stop trying to make every moment useful there's a famous story about a tree that nobody wants it's huge crooked awkward a carpenter looks at it and decides the wood is useless it can't make good boards it's no use for furniture it has little commercial value and because it is useless nobody cuts it down so it keeps growing year after year eventually it becomes enormous people can sit beneath it they can rest in its shade the thing that saved the tree was exactly what society criticized about it it wasn't useful enough that idea feels surprisingly modern because today we try to make everything useful even rest we sleep so we can work better we vacation so we can return refreshed and perform better we meditate to improve focus we walk because our watch says we need more steps we read because we need to improve ourselves there always has to be a reason but when was the last time you did something that didn't have to justify itself took a walk without counting anything sat with someone without checking your phone listened to music without doing something else at the same time watched rain cooked slowly spent an afternoon doing something that would look completely unimpressive on a resume we've become so afraid of wasting time that sometimes we forget a human life is not a company not every minute has to produce something you are allowed to have experiences that do not improve your market value the useless tree survived because it could not easily be turned into a product there's something worth remembering in that and then there's control planning is useful preparation is useful saving money is useful thinking ahead is useful taking care of your health is useful Taoism is not asking you to become careless the trouble begins when preparation becomes a demand for certainty you can prepare for an interview you cannot force the company to hire you you can try to be a good partner you cannot control another person's feelings you can raise your children carefully you cannot write every chapter of their future you can take care of your body but you cannot make life promise that nothing will ever happen to it we know that at least intellectually but the mind keeps looking for loopholes and this is where worry enters worry often feels productive because the brain is busy you're thinking planning running scenarios preparing for possibilities but sometimes you are simply experiencing a bad future in advance often several bad futures most of which will never happen there is a kind of Taoist humility in admitting where your control ends not helplessness humility plant the seed water it give it sunlight protect it if you can then leave the soil alone digging it up every morning to see whether it has started growing will not help there are parts of life you can influence there are parts you can control those are not the same thing so let's make all of this practical here is one experiment you can try for the next 24 hours don't add a new habit don't download another productivity app don't create a complicated life plan just pay attention whenever you feel the urge to do something automatically ask one question what happens if I don't you pick up your phone without knowing why what happens if you put it down you see a comment that annoys you and start writing a reply what happens if that person never hears from you you're about to check your work email after dinner again what happens if it waits until tomorrow someone misunderstands you you've already explained yourself twice what happens if you stop trying you see something online and suddenly you wanna buy it what happens if you wait 24 hours you're lying in bed worrying about a problem that cannot possibly be dealt with until Monday morning what happens if you allow that problem to remain unsolved tonight obviously some things need to be done pay the bills go to work call the doctor answer the important message take care of your family this isn't an excuse to neglect responsibility it's a way to notice how many things feel necessary when they really aren't an email can wait a stranger's opinion can remain unanswered a desire can exist without being satisfied immediately a thought can pass through your mind without becoming a project that last one is worth remembering not everything that enters your mind deserves a meeting try this for one day you may discover that a surprising amount of your activity isn't actually chosen it's triggered and if your life is made entirely of reactions then whatever can trigger you gets to control your time now this is where I wanna separate our own view from simply repeating ancient Taoist texts our view is that the most useful Taoist question for modern life is not how can I do as little as possible that would miss the point there are moments when life asks a great deal from you you may have to work harder than you thought you could protect somebody start again study for years build something difficult care for a sick parent leave a relationship admit that you were wrong stand up for something important reading loud sue does not make those moments disappear what Taoism offers in our view is a way to notice the extra struggle we pile on top of the real struggle imagine two people carrying the same heavy box up a hill the first person carries the box it's difficult he gets tired his arms hurt but that's all the second person carries the same box while thinking why is this hill so steep why does everyone else have an easier box I bet I look weak I should be further ahead by now what if the next hill is even worse why do I have to do this everyone else seems faster than me the physical load is identical the experience is completely different a lot of modern suffering works like that there is the problem and then there is the commentary the comparison the resentment the imaginary audience the fear of how everything looks the demand that the situation be different before you're willing to accept that it exists that extra weight is where many of us become exhausted so when we talk about doing less we do not mean giving up on life we mean dropping the things that never belonged in the load less proving yourself less performing for strangers less forcing people to understand you less fighting battles that ended years ago less letting other people decide whether your life is impressive less pretending that every thought requires an answer a life with less wasted effort can still be an ambitious life it may even become more ambitious because now your energy is finally going towards something you actually chose and sooner or later something changes time becomes expensive when you're young losing an afternoon doesn't seem like much there are so many afternoons ahead you lose one and assume there will always be another then gradually you start noticing things your parents look older a friend you once saw every week now lives somewhere else children grow up people disappear from your life your body changes without asking for permission and suddenly you understand something that was true the entire time the ordinary days were the life not only the milestones not just the wedding the promotion the house the trip the award life was also Tuesday afternoon coffee in the kitchen driving home calling your mother sitting beside someone you love while absolutely nothing important was happening the years you thought were in between were not in between anything they were the years this is where Taoist thought can feel less like philosophy and more like a warning we are always preparing to live after this project after I make more money after things calm down after the children get older after I lose weight after I move after I retire then life will finally feel the way it should but life does not arrive later later arrives as another version of now you may need more money you may need to work hard you may genuinely need to change important parts of your life but be careful about spending every present moment purchasing a future you may never feel you've reached because eventually time becomes the thing you wish you had more of and when that happens you may gladly trade some of the money the status the victories the arguments and the possessions just to have one ordinary afternoon back so what should you stop carrying one of the most interesting movements in the Dao de jing is not toward accumulation but toward removal we usually assume improvement means adding something more knowledge more discipline more goals more possessions more status more control but Taoism keeps asking another question what happens when you begin taking things away take away the ambition you inherited from somebody else take away the argument you keep having with someone who isn't in the room take away the purchase made mostly for other people to see take away the need for everybody to understand you take away the habit of comparing your ordinary life with somebody else's highlight reel take away the idea that rest must earn its place take away the belief that worrying is the same thing as preparing take away the pressure to turn every hour into evidence that you're doing well what's left probably not emptiness maybe you begin noticing things again food music the person talking to you the room you are actually sitting in the feeling of walking without needing to get somewhere quickly a quiet evening that does not have to become content progress or an accomplishment maybe your life becomes a little less impressive from the outside but much more recognizable from the inside and perhaps that is what these old Taoist ideas are still trying to tell us a better life does not always require adding another thing sometimes it begins when you stop feeding the things that have been quietly draining it so before you move on think about one simple question what is one thing in your life that you already know you should stop giving so much of your time to