Motherhood & Friendship: The Honest Truth No One Talks About

If you're a friend to someone who's recently become a mom, don't think she's pretending to be a mom. Don't think that right now because she has a child, she's shifted, she's living, she's seeing a car to get. Mm-mm. In fact, this brings us to the next point. What you should do is please extend some grace to them. This is a person who is not human. He's missing. He might be missing. It is okay. He might be missing walking or partying. He's looting, you know. But... There have been a lot of things. So, I'm torn in between. Do I come, go for my friend's birthday party? We party till morning, or we party till late. When I get home, I get to sleep, I wake up, I need to breastfeed, or I need to change the baby. By six, I get a job, or I get to do something. Or my child wakes up at four. So, do I come for this birthday? Or do I stay at home with my child? If I don't, you're going to get mad. You're going to start saying, excuse me, I'm doing this. Excuse me, I'm not doing this. Selly, Mkofiti, I've missed you so much. I've missed you so much. Wow. Hey, guys, I know. Hey, you know, let me tell you something. I know we have an episode on Friday. And we have every, every Wednesday an episode for Celeste. But trust you me, I think I miss this space more. By the way, I'm not saying I'm bad, but I feel like whatever Celeste's reflection does, I'm not being biased, but it has this space in my heart. Everything, be it mental health, be it motherhood, be it anything to do with women empowerment. I meant Electoral Tom. Like, Celeste has a bigger. If I cut my heart like this, and then I start to divide it into fractions, it will have a big space to be, by the way. Yeah, but I'm happy to be back. It's another Wednesday. Back for Celeste's Reflection. And today, guess what you're talking about? Guess what you're talking about? Today, you're talking about motherhood and friendship. Eh-heh. So if you're a mom, come. If you're soon to be a mom, come. If in future, just come. Yes. So motherhood and friendship. I know you're thinking, motherhood and friendship, motherhood and friendship. Motherhood. It affects, like, it's going to change your perspective, or change so many dynamics in friendship. So that's what you're talking about today. So don't worry, if I have a problem, I'll be a mother. They'll say I have a mother. It is normal. Now, let me start with a story. Before I get into the points, let me start with a story. Just recently, like... Just recently, 2013. 2013 is how many years ago? 12 years ago? That's just recently. Back in college, I had a different set of friends. Very different. Like they are still my friends, but they are not the same friends I have right now. They are still my friends, they are not enemies. But during that time, we used to finish classes, we used to go to South Beach, we used to go to Hazina, we used to go to eat smoch. You used to eat smoch? Like, that is what I used to do with my friends. Back in 2013, 2012, 2012, 2011. 2011, I was with my friends, Githurai and Sasa. Again, another set of friends. You see? So, when we are talking about motherhood and friendship, it's because there are dynamics that will make you change. Like, friendship must change. It is not bad. It is okay. Because you are changing because of seasons, So, allow me to share some of the things that will change because of motherhood. Let's see if we buy it. There is going to be an identity shift. Nikiwape yo story angu ya back in college, niju back then, vitu lukwa nataka kufanya nizo ku-hangout after classes, tuende tuka tembe, tufumbi ifike adi uku, juu kwa mgusi vibaya, tutoke hapo, tuende shule tufue, tupange nguwo kwa hanging line, sama tuanue nguwo pa moja, tuchukue meal card, tuende, that was the time for that. Sai, I am a mom. Sai, time yangu ata ni limited. Sina time ya kwanza kuranda randa, you know. It is, you wake up, you prep the babies to go to school, end a soko, or end a gym, or end a kazi, Jioni, go back home, you're tired. Clearly, there's no space to go and walk. So, your friends, automatically, they don't know what you're going to do. There's a place you'll reach, you'll start to partner, you'll discontinue. Not even by saying, let's leave it, like situation, it will force you. So, it will transform you. From priorities. Back then, I just said, it was a smokey past. Even now, I'm having a smokey past, but with different people or different circumstances. You see? So, then it was me walking, we went to Mukuru, we looked at Karai, Ndo, what are we buying? Because that's what I was looking for. Right now, I'm walking with my child. He doesn't want to know how to wash clothes. So, now I'm looking for a friend who is not a mom. So don't force yourself to start doing what you used to do 13 years ago or before you were a mom. It might be even 2 years ago or 3 years ago. It is okay. Also, it is good to accept that you are not the same woman as that one. Now you have become a mom. There's this small baby or this small. Or there's someone who is depending on you. Then I was depending on someone. I was the someone who was depending on a woman. I used to, I used to tell my mother, Use two sacks. You don't even want to know if two sacks are there or not. Now, now, use two sacks. I'm not telling you it's school fees. I'm not telling you it's a trip. Yet, it's my iPad. So you want to eat. So you've become a different woman. And it is okay. It's a transition. You've transformed. Another thing is, So, the first one was, acknowledge the identity shift. I'm a different woman, times have changed, priorities are different, and it is okay, okay? The other thing is, your time and your energy is becoming limited, yes. So, back then, I had so much time. Classes used to end at 4, not 4.10. From 4.10 to... Up to 7, or 6.40, or 5.00, dinner time, I didn't have anything to do. Like from 4.10, I would have walked from South Bay to Kenya Mass. Mugumu, Gwadi Capital Center, or you go to Bellevue, where there's a flyover. You go to Hazina Estate, you walk, you walk, you walk, until you reach South Bay Shopping Center. You go back. I'm not saying that I was looking for steps, because right now I can't walk, but I'm looking for steps. I'm trying to squeeze in some exercise. That was it, I just have a lot of time. But once you become a mother, your time and your energy are limited. Like so much, like right now, I can only do so much. If you tell me right now, you want us to run or walk, I'm going to tell you, okay, I'm going to try to squeeze in maybe 30 minutes because when I wake up, I need to, maybe I need to take the small one to clinic, the big one needs to go to school, I'm back, I'm going to have a meeting, I have a virtual, two, three, I'm going to go to the house, I'm going to do, when I leave, I'm going to go to the market, I'm going to go to, you see, I'm going to take a duvet, dry cleaner, I'm going to go, I don't know how to pick up sports, I don't know how to do anything, there's an activation coming up. So right now, when you become a mom, you understand that your time and your energy. So you only prioritize, do I need to do this? Yes. Can I do this? No. So let it slide. I know I had a friend, we were friends because we used to take all those two hours together. But right now, So automatically that friendship is going to die. We are not killing it, but somehow, because What we used to do is no longer happening. Your friendship, kidogo kidogo too, without you saying, ita didimia. And it is okay, moms. It is okay because you have so much right now to do, enye haikuwa back in the day. Okay? Then, I think, apo ndo tunasukosa nanga sana na mabishti, enye hawata tu understand. Now, let me try and explain this to you. If you're a friend to someone who's recently amekua a mom, usfikiria na jifanya jamekua ka mama. In fact, this brings us to the next point. What you should do is, please, extend some grace to them. You know, this is a person, even if he misses, he can be missing. It is okay. He can be missing walking or partying, you know. But, Vitu zimekua mingi sana. So, I'm torn in between. Do I come, go for my friend's birthday party? We party till morning, ama we party till late. Niki ingia home, nipate kale kanalia, kameamuka, I need to breastfeed, ama I need to change the baby. By six, nafa kuwa job, ama nafa kuwa nafanya kitu. Ama mtoi wangu anamkanga four. So, do I come for this birthday? Or am I just going to stay at home with my child? If I don't, you're going to get mad. You're going to start saying, excuse me, I'm doing this. Excuse me, I'm not doing this. Please, instead, extend grace. You're a man who's maybe a newborn. You're a man who has a child who's maybe even asleep. You want him to get up at night. And next time, you can't doze. Because the child will be macho. So, if he tells you he can't come, understand. Understand, she has reasons. Why? Because she's nursing a baby, or she has a baby. You don't let her sleep at night, because she has a job to do. So don't be that person who doesn't know how to do things, or doesn't know how to get out with you. Seasons, seasons have changed. For you, it's still okay. You're still the same person, you can go out, for her, there's this new life that has come. That you don't even know how it has come, Thank All of a sudden, there's a man who wants to sleep at night, he has to go to bed, he has to go to bed at night, when he wakes up, he has you to wake up, he has to change his diaper, or he has to breastfeed, he has to go back to sleep, so you can sleep the entire night, very or you can sleep the entire night, but you have to go to bed, yeah, yeah, I understand, maybe it's not the same, also, much. Me, as the mother now, I want to attend your birthday. I can choose what time is it starting. I can come a few hours and leave. If you understand, I can come a few hours and leave. Also, maybe I miss hanging out with you. I can tell you, I want to come first two, three hours and leave. I go home. And sometimes you might say, okay, his child is big now. My child is three years old. Why hasn't he come yet? So you need to understand. And that's why you find yourself... Getting newer friends. That brings me to the next point, which is the rise of mom friends. Once you become a mom, it's like you start, what do you call it, like pools or what? They start to, okay, unlike those that attract. But it's like you start attracting friends who are moms. Personally, I won't lie. When I'm with a man, we call each other, we say, where are you, where are you, where are you? Then I hear, actually, I go to a race, to these marathons I'm going to. When I hear a man, I say, imagine a mom. We can become friends automatically, like immediately. Because I'm like, wow, so you understand my struggles. That's why you're here. So like we can resonate together. We can relate. So you're here because, okay, maybe I'm trying to keep fit. I'm trying just to have my mental in check, you know. So you find yourself, the old friends, the old friends, Then you start to get new mom friends. It's not that I'm your mother or that I love you. It just comes out naturally. Like you find yourself, I'm connecting with moms lately. It's because we understand this world, this motherhood thing. We are like, hey, at least when I tell you why I'm doing something, you might not judge me like those who are not mothers. You know, sometimes I tell him, excuse me, I have to leave home because someone is making me cry or I don't know what. Someone will tell you, hey, who is that child of yours? You know? Because you're not a mom, you might not understand. But who you monye ni mama, ata understand. So we are going to become friends. And we are going to even have deeper conversations, you see. So if I meet you and you're a mom and you're like, oh, you see, last night, my, tuta ungea, tuta ungea, because this is a. Meaningful conversations about motherhood. What did you do? How old is your husband? How old is your big one? The big one is five. And the small one? Oh, mine. So you see even the big one. You're telling a story and you don't know. Like you're telling a story until you feel lighter. If at all it was something that was hurting you, I was heavy. You were carrying in your heart. But imagine that you don't have anyone in your family. You see? So we are having... Less conversations together. Not because I want to, but because we're in different seasons. You're still telling me about, Of course, I would love to do that. But my season right now, That's why I'm telling you, Unfortunately, some friendships might die and die completely. Because, I mean, So, some die, some join you later, so your mom, they come and they become a mom, so you start having meaningful conversations, and I come, so you see, that's where you find yourself, it's like when you start having 10 baby showers. You're telling me you're not going to attend. When you come, you go out. So it's like your circle of friends, everybody is getting, is giving birth. Everybody is getting a baby. So you're shifting. It's a new season. It's like college, back in the college, back in college, we were in college, so we wanted to experience how it was in Nairobi. So I'm out, Aluta, Dunda, Kujibamba, Tutao, I went, I saw, I shopped VR2BS. You know, now we're in another season of Umama. And it's good to embrace every season. Don't force. You're a mother. Or you're a motherhood. And you want to act like you're not there. It's going to be tough. Yes. It's really going to be tough. So it's okay. To have these new friendships. New moms. Other people it's okay. They might not understand. You're not forced to understand. They say they're doing it because they've been a mother. It is okay. When they get there. They will understand. But for now. Just move on. With your motherhood. The new friends you're making. The little time you have with your baby. Move on, don't feel bad about it. Then it's okay to, the next thing, it's okay to grieve about the change. But also don't feel guilty. Actually, that's why I was saying it is okay. It is okay to grieve because for what's changed. Of course, I miss being, like, I have time. I miss my time. Like, I can wake up at 6 o'clock, and I can wake up like I'm doing these 2 or 3 or 4 things. It is okay to miss those times, but don't feel guilty. Like, it is okay to grieve those times, the changes, but don't feel guilty. You're in a new season. Embrace the season. Right now, that's why I'm telling you, of course. Right now, you're in a new season where things are new. Right now, you're enjoying washing the toys. You're enjoying cooking for your family. You're enjoying this new stuff, taking your kids to the mall. It is okay. It is a new season. Embrace it. Move on with the changes. I must. And change is good. Sometimes, you don't want to dwell in one place. It is okay to experience these changes. And also, it doesn't always mean that because you've changed, you're losing. Sometimes, it is evolution. You've evolved. You've become a new woman who is responsible to these small babies. So, it's not that you miss it, that you've lost it, that you've lost it, that you've lost it. Yeah, I can. You've become a better woman. You've become a mom. These young ones are looking up to you. They see you as a hero. Like mama will do it. When mama comes from work, she will bring me. She will cook. She will, like mama will do it. So don't feel guilty. Don't feel bad about it. It is a good thing, okay? Then again, something else that motherhood and friendship does, it's boundaries and communications matter. Like they matter more than ever. Before, maybe you don't know boundaries. You were just like, Let's go back to the story of Kole. It was called Club Hoping. We were starting, I don't know, it was Galileo. You leave, you don't know what you're going to do next. You leave, you're going to go to another place. Because, I mean, I wasn't sitting like this, thinking. Thank you, Ria. But now, with motherhood, when motherhood comes in, now you have boundaries, you need deeper and more communication. You cannot just be like... A friend, now we don't have this genuine and honest communication because I need to tell you the truth. I need to tell you, you know what, today I can't make it to your party. Today I can't make it to your event because I need to spend time with my kids. It's not that I'm sick, it's not that I'm sick, but the entire week I haven't been with them. So you need those people who understand, don't come all the way to here. Like, understand, they are my babies. Like, Celestine, I don't have Celestine alone. Thank you. It's like there's a chain. So I have to prioritize there. Them and me. And versus you. So I don't want to tell you that I'm not coming to your wedding. But I'll send something out of Russia. And you don't understand. That's what I'm saying. I feel like once you become a mom and you have mom friends. They tend to understand you more. Because you see, if someone is my friend and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do with that story. Oh, excuse me, you've been with your mom. Oh, you don't know what to do. A simple thing like just texting my friends. I have friends who, for sure, I know they are my friends. But the last time I saw them could be two months ago or a month ago. But every time we text, I know Selene is my friend. Selene is my friend. I can tell her, hi, hi, how are you? In stories, I can chat. And that's okay. like on Instagram there's a comment that That's okay. We are friends. We don't need to hang out every now and then for us to be friends. Because we understand a lot. Time and energy, we have said, time and energy is limited. So you don't expect, because we are friends, we sleep together, sleepover, when there's time, we make it happen. But when we don't, and I drop you a text like saying one day, happy birthday, may this new year, even if you don't text once in a year, but I know they are my friends. I know friendship, you need to show commitment, but we understand and we extend grace. Because you know motherhood, The next thing is some friendships will fade completely. If you are a soon-to-be mom, let me tell you the truth. You see that friend of yours, that friend of yours, that friend of yours. Don't be afraid. Once you become a mom, your friendship will fade. And it is okay. It is okay. Some friendships will fade. And others will even end. And it is okay. Because different seasons again. You know, so it will be like, okay, by the time you want to go back, there's even... You've just lost touch completely. Even the energy that you need to keep up with it is too much. Because already somebody is taking a lot of your energy. So it's okay for those friendships that are going to end completely. Because every friendship again has a purpose. That's why I'm saying you're most likely going to have new moms who are going to be your friends. I just met someone the other day, and now we are close friends. How? For the last 30 years, I didn't know, but now I'm very close to him. I'm Mostly, it was probably because of a season. starting Maybe she's a new mom, I'm a mom. You know, I have friends that I call super moms. to I would love to be your friend. speak I would love to be your friend. I would love now. to be your friend. God, Tano, Sita, and she's still strong, and she's still going to work, she's still going to the market, she's still cooking. You're just one, you're strong, you're like, hey, she needs to be my friend. Give me that Kenyan woman. Little by little, you're getting to be that baby number two. Allah, you've started to be that super mom, you see? So it is okay for some friendships to end, and others will come in. New ones will come in. Even maybe better ones. I'm not saying the other one was bad, but they are perfect for the season that you're in. Because right now, I'm in this motherhood season. So anyone who's going to help me, like, prosper in this season, I'ma do the best, I'ma be that super mom that I want to be, automatically becomes my friend, okay? Then, the last thing is, I think, okay, the last thing that I would like you to tell me, for the moms, moms, motherhood, or those soon-to-be moms, how has motherhood affected your friendship? Like, some of the things that we expect to get, some of the things that you're going through. Because you're getting a husband who says, my children have all passed away. But to say the truth, you've got a child, he's come, he's held him on day one. So there's a way to hold a child, to come and help you. He's helped you, you've slept, you've what? He's come next week, he's done. Even you, you expect him to come for how long? This child will be a child for up to six months. Very few people will hold you like, he'll come for the six months. Very few. Very few. A person comes week one, week two, and they see, I didn't see him last week. I didn't see him next week. And it's not that I'm a mother. Even them, they are busy. Like also them, they have other things they are doing. So you don't expect your friends, because I'm a mom, all of them stop partying. They come to stay with the person. No. Different seasons. So even you, if they're extending grace to you, also extend grace to them. Because even them, they are not mothers yet. So they are allowed to go. Hey, don't listen to them because they're in a group and they're going to Nakuru. And you can't go to Nakuru. But don't expect that because now I'm staying at home, even my friends to stop partying. No, it is your season. You stay at home. You don't have to go to Naivasha. You go to Nakuru. When there is time for Nakuru, it will end. They will come too. They will stay at home. Maybe you will be able to go back to Naivasha. You know, different seasons. And these last for a few years. You are in those. I love a funny thing near tea. The first, first, the first, the first, first month, you will hear the bad news that people are going to Naivasha when they post on the page. Let me just tell you that. You are there on the bed, you are sleeping, you are holding the phone, you are scrolling, they were in Naivasha. And it's like they are telling me, of course, even if they tell you you can't come, so let them not tell you, don't hear the bad news. You just see it on the screen. You are there on the bed, you are scrolling, you are like, if I finish eating, I will go to Naivasha. I don't know what happens, guys. I don't know what I was thinking when I finished eating. I didn't know what was going on. I don't know. You know? Sometimes you can get back to normal, but it won't be the same as before. So change is okay. Change is good. But learn how to extend grace to them, to you. Don't be afraid. And don't be afraid of bad things. Even if you see your friend talking to you, he said he got a baby. Maybe he didn't sleep at night. Maybe the baby is crying, he has a colic. Maybe he's going through so much. You know, don't say he's squeezing, he's doing it. Please, please. And then lastly is motherhood doesn't mean, necessarily mean that you lose yourself now. Because this is something you may say, oh, squeeze your Wendy out, oh, that's okay, too far. No. You will find new activities. Personally, I didn't know I would enjoy running. I think that's motherhood. I don't know. It's a midlife crisis. I don't know. I don't know. But you learn to enjoy new things. Before I became a mom, I used to pay for the gym membership. I remember my wedding year, I paid for the gym for three months. I didn't even get to the second day. After I became a mom, if there's a place I've been to, it's the gym. I go to the gym, it's like I don't want to lose myself, you know what I mean? So I still want to go to the gym, like today is dance class, it's dance, it's dance, like today it's walking, it's walking. Like you find new ways of not losing yourself. Because if the only thing you knew was partying, traveling, what's that traveling? Oh my God. Hey, traveling, exploring, new things, now your time and energy is limited. So first of all, traveling might become difficult because you have a problem. Even if you say you're traveling with a problem, it won't be the same as before when you're alone. So it is okay, find new ways. It doesn't mean you need to, at the moment you can't do anything, you're starting to feel cheesy. No, just find new ways. To keep yourself sane. New people, learn new things. Like baking. I hear people say, I got my children, I started baking. I opened a shop to bake. I opened a clothing line. Because you find new ways that are going to keep you alive. That are going to keep you happy. That are going to make you love yourself. The new you. Because now you're a new woman. Whether you like it or not, you're a new person. So, find new ways that are going to make you fall in love with yourself. More and more. Like cycling with your children and family. You see? Just do it. Because the point is, you should not lose yourself because you've become a mom. Okay? So, that's it from me. I love topics that talk about touch of mothers. I love anything that deals with moms. Because I think this thing of motherhood, even for us who struggle to understand, What kind of hood did we find ourselves in? Like, recently, when I say 2013, 2013 for me was recently. I was a very small girl. I didn't have a lot of stories. If I just got a piece of bread, I would eat a piece of bread, and the supper would be done. Now, I can't say I would eat a piece of bread, and I would get home, and the supper would be done. I have four, like five more heads at home waiting for mom to eat the supper. So, it's a new, I'm a new woman. I need to be... I don't feel bad. I don't need to feel guilty about the past. I need to just embrace this season. It is a season. It might take longer than my youth took. Because maybe youth is from 20 to 23. Then you become a mom. There is something I wanted to say. Especially for those young girls who become moms at early stages. For them it is very tough. Because you see, at 20 you become a mom. But many of your friends are not moms. So they might not understand you. And also, you'll feel so much you're missing out. Because at 20, I'm still thinking about it. My children at 20, they're still sleeping until morning. Like, they're thinking, this weekend there's a party for Sharon. Next weekend, there's a party for Liz. Next weekend, there's a party for Ruth. I can't even go to one. Because I'm here, I am young, my baby is young. You know? So somehow, you'll just think, where do I start my children? For the older ones, at least for us who get babies when you're a bit older, you find that already in your circle of friends, you had mums. So like me, by the time I was becoming a mum, I had Judy, I had other friends who were mums. So it was an easier... Adjustment, like it's easier for me to adjust because there's a man who is enrolling me from one. So he tells me, don't worry, it's going to be like that. Even before you become a mom, you haven't heard it yet. So it's like you know some of it. You know, hey, the baby is going to come. He's going to be sleeping, or there's diapers, or there's a budget. You see? So learn how to extend grace for both of them, especially the young moms. For them, I know it's difficult. You see, the man is wondering, what did I do? Imagine, don't feel bad. It's for a season or two. You'll leave there and say something. You'll leave there and act like Mastef. When you're with your girlfriend, you'll be like, Guy! You know? So it's for a season. Don't feel bad. Just understand that some friendships will fade completely. Others, they will say you have a maryngo, but it's not a maryngo. The good people will understand you. Even if they come to your birthday, they will come. They will come and walk with you, or once in a while. And also, if it ends completely, you won't hear any bad things, they will come. Okay? So, what I want you guys to do is for me, just tell me up in the comments, what are some of the things that motherhood and friendship, like some of the things that affect friendship once you become a mom, Motherhood and friendship, yeah. Let's talk about it in the comments. Let's get our strength. Let's get to the new moms, the soon-to-be moms, the mothers who are there and struggling mentally. They don't know that my best friend left me, but I know priorities will change. We have shift focus. Yeah? Yes, and that's it from me. I love being here. I love sharing about motherhood. Tell me what you want me to talk about next. And see you next week for another episode on Seller's Reflection, okay? Bye. Bye.