DoctorOz: High-Functioning Alcoholism: The Mom No One Suspected

Secrets. We all have parts of ourselves that we don't share with anyone else. But when do those veiled truths and methods of deception become destructive to our health? What drives a person to live a lie? Today we are unraveling the anatomy of a secret. A glimpse into the hidden world of double lives and the confessions that brought them out into the open. We're going to uncover why they happen. How to spot them and what to do when someone you love is keeping a life-threatening secret from you. These are stories you need to hear. You're going to meet a mom of three who was hiding a deadly double life that was destroying her health. She was a high-functioning alcoholic. I want you to meet Tara, a loving wife, a self-proclaimed soccer mom of three who volunteers at her kid's school. On the outside, she seems to have the perfect life. But when no one was looking, she sunk into her other world, the dark double life that consumed her for over 10 years without a single person knowing the truth about who she really was. In my 20s, I was quite the overachiever. I really wanted to be successful, and I worked my way up at a bank. I had a lot of responsibilities. I had a staff that had to report to me, and I was responsible for millions of dollars. I met my husband. He was the man of my dreams. We had these three great kids. I was definitely a soccer mom. I was always on the sideline rooting on my children. I had the house, I had the husband, I had the beautiful kids. I had a successful career. I had it all. On the outside, everything looked perfect. Little did people know it was a facade. I was hiding a dark secret. Nobody would have guessed that I was a highly functioning alcoholic. Alcohol was my drug of choice. It could have been beer, it could have been wine, it could have been vodka. It was my liquid courage and I had to use it to function every day. There was definitely strategies and tricks and lies that I had to use in order to be able to use the way I did every day. Before I went to a soccer game or any function really, I would make sure that I had time in my schedule to go home, have a few drinks. There were times that I actually put vodka in a water bottle. I would use my four-year-old toddler during a game to say that I had to go home so that I could resume my drinking. In the morning I would chug essentially a couple of beers before I got the kids ready for school or I would put it in a coffee mug so that they weren't aware of what I was doing. I would even sneak home from my job at the bank in order to have a few drinks. My secret drinking place was at one point a cemetery. I would drive my car there, park my car and drink the alcohol there. I knew that there was going to be nobody there. I hid many Bottles of wine in different locations, in my car, in drawers next to my bed. My husband, as soon as he went to bed, I went full force and I would stay up most of the night drinking by myself. I knew at some point that I couldn't keep up the charade. I was getting too exhausted with hiding it. I was going to have to confess. Tara's joining us. You okay? Yeah. You had it down to a science. What drives someone to... Go through all the trouble to keep a secret. What's the secret? I didn't want anybody to know what I had turned into. Thank you. I had a lot of guilt, a lot of shame in what I was doing. You know, and the funny thing is, now looking back, I think I thought at the time people actually liked me better drinking. You probably couldn't tell anyway. I probably couldn't. You're absolutely right. Now looking back, no, I wouldn't have known if they liked me or not. I'm just going to go through a few things that you mentioned to us in an interview. You ran the water. These are things you used to create this deception. Correct. Ran the water in the kitchen so your husband wouldn't hear you pour another drink. You drove miles away from your house to throw away the bottle. I've got to say, I'm still trying to figure out why no one could catch you. What did the soccer moms, your husband, your colleagues at the bank, what did they think was going on? They didn't notice you were getting drunk? Well, the culture where I'm from, drinking is very acceptable. It's in everything that we do. So I could fit in fairly easily in that way, but I did a lot of my drinking by myself. I didn't do it in front of people, so people weren't aware that I was actually drinking as much as I was. There were some times that you did have issues. Sometimes you had, for example, physical changes, physical signs that you were having trouble. I know there's a story you wanted to share with us about taking the kids on a field trip. Yes, there was a story. There was this time where my daughter had an end-of-the-year school trip, and it just so happened to be going to a cheese factory. And I don't know if you've ever been to a cheese factory. I've been there and waited in lines, all the usual. It's not the best smell, you know. To be dealt with while I wasn't feeling well and when I say I wasn't feeling well I was hung over and I still went and you know I got there and with the commotion with everybody all the kids and the aroma and me not feeling well I got sick I had to run outside and literally get sick outside. What did you tell everybody when you went back inside? I just lied and said it must be a stomach bug, or I ate something, you know. It was easy to deceive people. Like I said, you know, you looked at me, you wouldn't think of me as an alcoholic. Even now, I wouldn't. I really wouldn't if I was sitting opposite you. Did you ever drink and have to take the kids somewhere? I did. I did. There were times, looking back, you know, it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin thinking back about it. Um, but you know, I feel very strong about saying it out loud because I think it's a lot more common than people think. And I, you know, if anybody hears this and I can prevent one person from stopping to do it, you'll prevent even more than one person. I hope so. I know as a mom, it goes against every instinct you have to put your kids in danger. Yes. So it speaks to me of how deep your addiction was. Most addiction happens because you're running from something. What were you running from? A lot of it was self-hate. I had no self-esteem. You know, it was a vicious cycle because emotionally I wasn't stable. I wasn't feeling good about myself. But then, you know, I had become addicted to alcohol where if I didn't drink it, I was very anxious. And in order to get rid of that anxiety, I had to drink and get rid of that anxiety in order to function every single day. But a lot of it was just a lot of self-doubt. You weren't worthy. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't. Will you stay with us for a moment? I will. When we come back, Tara's going to reveal the moment she came clean and confessed to her husband who she really was. Plus, I have an expert who's going to weigh in on why we lie and what to do if you think someone you love could be living a dangerous double life. Today, we're unraveling the anatomy of secrets and finding out why people live double lives. Tara and her husband, Kevin, are here. Tara says she was a high-functioning alcoholic for over 10 years, and no one in her life had any clue. So, the big question, for anyone who's been through addiction, is what was rock bottom? What was the moment you realized you had to come clean and tell the truth about who you are? I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at a work function, which of course had drinking involved, and I overdid it like always. And then I proceeded to drive home, 25 miles. And I got home, and my husband, Kevin, was very upset with me. And he asked me to leave. And... I did. I went to a hotel that night, and it was a lot of self-reflecting that night. So the next day, I went home and packed up my bags, and I said, I'm leaving. I'm going to treatment tomorrow. I need help for my drinking. And Kevin, what did you feel when she confronted you with that knowledge? I felt a lot of emotions. I felt hurt, a lot of deceit, a lot of lies. But, you know, I love my wife, and I... I wanted to be with her, and I knew I had to look past all that to move forward. So I was willing to try to forget all about it and look to the future. Victoria, how do you feel hearing what Kevin's saying? It sounds like love to me, by the way. It's coming from a guy. All right. Thank you. It is love. I love this man. Yeah, in words. It's hard because I know I deceived him. And all he was ever trying to do was be a great husband and a great dad. And he was always honest with me. And, you know, for me not to give that back to him, I have a lot of regrets, a lot of guilt. It was a big step today. And I want to just applaud you both. Thanks. For telling us stuff. You know, breaking out of these double lives is not easy. Now it's been 16 months since you had your last drink. Yeah, 17 months tomorrow, actually. You know the date's getting better. Thank you very much. And you feel, you must feel better breaking out of the double with your lover. I don't even have words. I feel human again. And I... I feel like I'm seeing life for the first time in so many ways. And, you know, just the load off of always being honest now, I'm able to do that. You know, I have hope again. I have dreams again. Well, you know what? We're doing this show because there are a lot of women just like you. I agree. Out there watching right now, or men, who are watching and not realizing that the faces of addiction have changed. You want to meet a world expert in this area? Absolutely. She's sitting right over there. Psychologist Robin Smith is here, a good friend of mine for many years. And she's going to help us uncover the anatomy of a secret. That's the topic we're talking about all hour long. And a lot of experts say that double lives are not that uncommon. I want Robin just to explain to us why is it that these double lives continue to pop up in so many places. Yeah. Welcome back, by the way, Tara, that you're back. You're back. It's amazing. You know, the issue of double lives, Dr. Oz, can be summed up in this. I call it the toxic twins, shame and blame. And that's what you're talking about, the shame of being who you were, and then the blame of blaming yourself for not being good enough. And so the anatomy of secret double living, if you will, is really tied up in that shame and blame collision. And when it happens, it is deadly. And it doesn't just hurt your emotions, it also destroys your body, which I know you live. And the alcohol just added on to that. So if you'll be patient, I'm going to show you what actually was going on in your mind. And just to underline what Robin was saying, what it goes through in all of our minds when we lie. There's a reason that we do it, and there's a reason it has an effect on us. So I made a little image here. And I'm just going to pretend that it's one minute after you told a lie. Within one minute of that lie, and this applies to everybody, within one minute, your body senses the stress and begins to say, you know what, I got stress coming on. I got all this excitement happening. I'm going to release cortisol into the blood. Cortisol is our stress hormone. You get this adrenaline rush. Your heart starts to beat really fast with all that adrenaline, right? Your pupils, right, they dilate up like that. You start to sweat. Everyone, by the way, will go through this. That's why we use lie detector tests. You know in movies when they have a lie detector test like this? The reason that picks up that you're lying is it tells the machine that you've got an adrenaline surge. And that fight or flight response is good. It's supposed to happen. But over time, lying, especially having a double life, long-term deep lying, has long-term effects that affect your body terribly. The theory and the burden of lying Allows all this cortisol to cause brain fog and a feeling of hopelessness. You saw Tara speak about a little bit earlier You get sleep disturbances and the stress experience that you're having causes all kinds of profound changes inside your body in addition to these So Tara you are free from this Emancipated and you told us that you feel like you have a new life that you feel hope for the many people out there right now Who are living double lives? What do you have to say to them? The platform is yours. No Oh. Hang in there And just know that there is another side and that there is hope. Thank you for being here, Kevin. Thank you for being here. Cheers. Thank you for watching. Don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications so you never miss out on new videos to live the good life.