My Spiritual Journey.

I have no idea how to start a video which is so long and so personal to me because I have never really told anyone, never really spoken to anyone before about my whole spiritual journey, my story from the beginning to now. And I really feel like talking about it will both be amazing for myself and for those who listen, those who will hopefully extract something from my story and use it to benefit their journey to push themselves towards really feeling that connection, really connecting with the source, with the universe, however you call it. I found a bunch of diaries from ages ago. I've been actually writing in diaries since 2006, so I was very little. I would have been around 10 or 11, but I'll be using the last three diaries from 2013 to 2017 to now. So I would have been around 15, 16 and now I'm 21. I feel nervous, more so vulnerable than nervous, but you really don't realize your progress until you look back. When I was rereading these diaries to select certain pages where I was talking about how I was feeling and about spirituality, so it makes sense in the video, I basically reread all three diaries and I was astounded by the change in my mindset, by the change in my consciousness. And there are a few contributing factors that I think helped me most to achieve this state of just love that I'm in right now. I have been feeling in the most insane alignment with the universe. I am really feeling like everything is coming to me. I feel in love. I feel connected. I feel like everything radiates this pure love and I'm just so grateful, so grateful. Also, I've been listening to Abraham Hicks speeches on YouTube, so that would have definitely contributed. Of course, there is a lot that I didn't write in my diaries about my spiritual journey, which I will tell you as we go through these pages. But let me start from the beginning, from when I was a child. I grew up in Russia and I spent my childhood at my summer house. I lived in Moscow, but every summer, which was from end of May till first September, when school actually starts in Russia, we would go to our summer house in the countryside and that was just the most beautiful time of my childhood. I would just run around bare feet, collect berries, just talk to plants. As a child, now that I look back on that as a child, I feel like I was just in the most beautiful stage of alignment with nature. It's beautiful. Actually, a lot of the time, thinking back on that time makes me tear up just because it was so, so beautiful and so personal to me and just so special. So let's just say that my childhood was amazing. I loved spending my time there with my grandmother and we had all these beautiful homegrown vegetables and apples and berries and just everything you can think of. Everything was green and everything was growing and flourishing and all these flowers. I was just surrounded by this nature every single day. We didn't have any phones. We didn't have laptops back then. We didn't have internet. It was just so pure and so, so simple. I love that. I love that part of my childhood so much. When I moved to Australia when I was 11, I went to school here. As you grow up and become a teenager, all these hormones or whatever else, society, and I don't know, I was just feeling some ----. I was feeling ---- that I didn't want to feel. I was just... I don't even know what I was. I was so stressed and so concerned with how I looked, how I was fitting in and like half of these diaries, like 80% of that is just filled with boys stories. Boys that I was just so worried about and I was just analyzing everything and I was sad and annoyed at every single little thing and I have no idea what affected that, but I think it is quite common for girls, mostly girls, but boys too, aged between like 14 to 16, let's say. Anyway, so to give you an idea, let's open our first diary. It's actually diary number four, but that's the first one that we're going to look at today because it started from diary number four, my kind of subtle change that transformed into this discovery of love and gratitude. This is what I wrote on 29th of October 2012. I feel like I've made so many mistakes. Every single thing I do feels like a mistake. Doesn't feel right. I don't know what I want. Everything seems to be a lie. I always feel either offended, guilty, or generally upset. I wonder if I have friends. Not friends, but friends. People who care about my existence, about my problems. I just want to know where I stand with everybody, make everything clear. I don't want to talk to the wrong people. I don't want to do the wrong things. I'm sick of lying and being lied to. Keep in mind, this is quite exaggerated. I was just looking for the right word. I did feel extremely misunderstood when I was a teenager. Let's just say that. I also wrote that I cannot trust anybody, even my parents. I'm paranoid that everyone will find out about everything. I have a lot of friends, but I cannot open up to anyone. There's nobody I can completely trust. I think this was written around year 9, I would say. And that's when, no, year 10. It would have been year 10. Year 10 is when I first started going to parties. And around year 10 to year 11 was when I went through a party period, which completely just discouraged me from partying ever again. And that's why I barely go out now, because I literally, I just don't care about parties and drinking anymore. On this page, I wrote, I can't concentrate. I feel weak. I can't think. I'm sleepy. I don't remember a lot. I remember after school, I would come home and I would just sleep. I was so low on energy. I didn't have any interests. I didn't have a passion. I just didn't have any desire to do anything. I would just go to school, come home, sleep, wake up like around dinner time, have dinner. And I remember my mom trying to talk to me and asking me what's wrong. Why am I always sleeping? But that's just literally, I didn't have any interest in properly living. On the 15th of December 2012, I wrote, I don't really feel safe anywhere. I cannot think of a place that I feel safe at. On the 24th of January 2013, I just wrote, I feel emotionally unwell. And I probably was. On the 30th of April, that's probably when something in me was switching. Very, very suddenly, but it was. I wrote, I was laying on the trampoline and saw a shooting star. I was laying on the trampoline and I realized, if I don't hand up my homework tomorrow, if my friend gets in a car accident, if my mom yells at me, if I break my arm, no matter how complicated it gets for me, it's not complicated. Nothing is. The earth is still spinning and nothing really matters. The earth is still spinning. I remember that time when I was laying down and looking up and I just saw the stars shining at me and shimmering. And I felt so, so insignificant, but in a good way, in a good way. I think that was healthy for me to realize. On the 20th of May 2013, I said, I'm just so happy that everything exists. I know I will go a long way. I'm glad that I am just the way I am. This was still before what I consider my major awakening, but it was just like little sparks here and there of just little, oh, nothing is as bad as it really seems. On the 16th of July, I said, if you want freedom, you need to learn to let go with ease. That is also true. Now, around this time was when I moved houses, not to this house, because this is like the third house, but to the house I was in before this house, which was my favorite house ever, because it was by the seaside. It was about like a 10 minute walk to the beach, which was amazing. And it really, really, really impacted me. But before we moved, before we moved at my previous house, my very first house, our landlord basically kicked us out and because he wanted to renovate the house, and we were just renting, so he didn't really care about that we'll leave there. And he gave us, he gave us a month to find a new house. And it was very difficult because I also have two sisters. So we have five people in the family and it was hard to find something suitable for us, affordable, most importantly affordable, and just in this right time. When I first found out that we're going to move, I felt so upset. I was so, I felt almost betrayed. I was like, I was feeling things. And one thing that I do remember is just being so angry at the world and so upset that I decided to go for a walk to cool myself down. As I was walking, it was the most beautiful day. And the reason I remember this so clearly is because I wrote about this, but I cannot remember where I wrote that down. But I went for a walk and I was so angry and I had all this anger and all these emotions built up inside of me. And as I was outside on a walk, everything was as if everything is, it was as if the universe was laughing at me because it was the most beautiful day. It was the most beautiful sunset. And I was walking down the street and I was, even though I was so angry inside, I couldn't help but notice all these beautiful flowers and these beautiful trees. And I felt this love radiating out of every plant. And for some reason, just this anger just let go. I, it just, it just disappeared. And I came back home in the positive mood and I just thought, wow, why, why am I angry? I, I trust this life bath. I trust this universe. I was on a walk and everything was smiling at me. It felt like a hug. And that's also kind of the big, that was also the beginning of my awakening. I used to work at Subway for about two years. This is what I wrote on the 6th of February, 2014. Now let me tell you, I also went vegan in February, 2014. So that's when I was transitioning to vegan lifestyle and I'm not trying to preach anything, but going vegan made me feel more connected to the earth than ever before. I a hundred percent, 110% consider going vegan was a major contributing factor to the alignment that I feel now. This is what I wrote on the 6th of February. Yesterday after work, I felt different. The whole day was as if the universe was trying to tell me something. After work, I felt different. I felt alive, engaged, and extremely aware. I felt, I felt everything around me. I saw and heard everything. It was magical. I suddenly fell in love with everything and everyone. I heard laughter and saw old people smiling. I felt a warm wind on my face and breathed in the smell of the ocean. I became aware of everything that was around me. I was not in my head, not in my thoughts, but outside. I was in this world. I felt this world, this beautiful, beautiful place. I remember this day clearly. It was the strangest feeling which I do not have often at all. It was after a full day of work and I was walking back to my car and it was amazing because the place I worked at, at Subway, but the location it was at, it was right next to the beach, so I would usually park like a 20 minute walk away and I would walk on the beach back to my car and usually I would finish around sunset time, so very often I would get to see the sunset on the beach and that was one of those days. The sky was pink and I was everywhere but not in here and that was, I can't describe it really. If you felt it, you felt it, you know. In April 2014, this is all I have written. I'm free. Me and the universe, we are united. Now, let me tell you more about the house that was before this house, the house that I moved into, the one that was next to the ocean. I believe that that was the major turning point in my life because the amount of happiness I felt there was insane. Insane. I did yoga every single day. That's when I completely transitioned to vegan lifestyle and I would just enjoy delicious vegan meals and do yoga and go to the beach. Oh my god, I love that place so much and it's almost making me tear up right now. The thing is, I would go for walks every single day and I would, the way I went to the beach is I had to walk through like kind of suburban area and also this path that was like surrounded by trees and bushes and flowers and I just remember walking there and feeling, there's no other way to describe it than feeling love radiate from every plant, from every living thing. It was as if I could feel this vibration of this source energy, that energy that makes every plant grow, that universal love. I could feel it and now I could feel it all around me. I could feel this life and I would just take in all this feeling and give it back and take it in and I would just be, I would feel so fluid and just I would feel like I am everything and it's true. I am everything and you are everything. Everything is you and I strongly, strongly, strongly, strongly believe that we are all connected, that everything is us and that's how I felt. I felt like I was everything. It was the most beautiful, the most humbling, the most grateful feeling that birthed that sense of connection, that sense of alignment, that love of the universe. I remember sitting, so it was the ocean area, it was like the ocean but it wasn't really the beach, it was like hills and I remember sitting on one of those hills, sitting in a lotus position and with my eyes closed facing the sun and I would feel the sun shining on my face and it would feel like a hug. I would feel like, I honestly, I don't want to sound crazy but I would, it was as if hearing the universe say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I'm always here for you, I love you. That's what it felt like, that's what it felt like and that is what I feel now and it is the most beautiful feeling. If you tap into it, it's a feeling you never want to let go of and you don't have to, you don't have to because this love is always there. You just have to channel. Like I'm, as I said, I'm listening to Abraham Hicks speeches and I love this little metaphor she uses when she compares, compares like you to, you're channeling your energy and switching stations like radio channels. If you just keep channeling this love and don't change your frequency, if you like, changing your frequency can be compared to focusing on negative experiences and negative emotions. Not negative because I hate using the words positive and negative because in my head like it's so relative but the things that you perceive as negative for yourself, if you focus on that, your frequency is different then obviously feeling love and connection and alignment is so much more difficult than if you channel your energy towards that, towards that frequency, that frequency that allows love and alignment and gratitude to flow in your life. That is so important, oh my god. Anyway, let's jump on to the next diary, the last diary and most important one because that's, that was when I lived in that house and I was feeling all these feelings that I just told you about. 25th of April 2014, I said that I was vegan for about three months now and I love it and I wrote, I love earth, I love the universe, I finally came to realize the unity. Yesterday was my birthday and I am unbelievably grateful, I have all I need in life. Isn't that amazing? Wow. On the 25th of May, this is what I wrote and this is, it's so interesting because to me, I mean, I guess you can define awakening like very differently, depends on the person and maybe definition for my awakening isn't what your definition for awakening is but for me, when you realize, when you make that switch in your head, it's not just like a one-off thing, it keeps, this awakening, this realization, it keeps growing, keeps expanding, keeps developing and it's beautiful and when I wrote this, that's when it was just expanding, expanding, expanding and expanding, I wrote, it's crazy, it's crazy, energy has always existed and always will, we are infinite, our pathetic fragile bodies die, we however don't, I don't understand how some can't feel this, can't feel unity and infinity, this world is crazy, people are in denial, I look up to our ancestors that were in unity with energy all around them, animals, nature, plants, water, etc. We now are so different, it's sad, it's a fact, energy is infinite and it is, it makes me sad when people deny this, they're denying themselves, I love myself, I love my energy and the body my energy chose, I love this world, I am thankful forever. Just a little side note, this is the second time I'm filming this video, the first time I filmed this video, I never ended up posting it because honestly, I was crying too much, I was crying too much in the first video that I recorded, that was about, I think that was like September last year, so it would have been about a year ago, that's crazy, but yeah, now I'm a bit better. On the 13th of July 2014, I wrote, yesterday I meditated a lot because I enjoyed it, I felt it, the tingling sensations, waves, literally waves of energy, like I was being pushed up into the air, like I was tilting, I felt my energy, I did it again with the lights off in bed, then I tried to go to sleep, sometime then I saw a flash, it scared me, I thought it was a lightning, I tried turning on the light but it didn't work, it was my lamp, today I changed the light bulb and dad and mom were very surprised when I told them that the light was off when it happened, was it my energy? I want to tell someone. Around that time I meditated a lot, I listened to a lot of guided meditations and I loved it so much, I don't do it nearly as much now, I should probably start. One was this, okay, 26th of April 2015, so that was a year later, almost a year later and I wrote, I haven't written in a long time, I am happy, I am very content with myself and my life, I make no mistakes because I realized everything that is happening is a lesson and shapes me, I love the universe and everything around me, I am constantly radiating positivity. On the 1st of 5th, that's May, on the 1st of May 2016, so that's, is that another year later? That's another year later I think, I said, what did I say? I said I want to open an Etsy store this month to sell my art prints and it actually ended up happening but the reason why I put a little bookmark here is because I realized this mindset that I have a whole separate video about, it's called the most empowering mindset and it's about thinking of what you want to do as if it already happened and all you have to do is just find a set of actions to do to lead you to that outcome and I said, I said that I wanted to like open a vegan cafe but not so much anymore but I just said yes, that would be amazing, it is happening, actually it already happened, a set of actions that I take next will determine if I can step into that dimension or not, it's in my hands which is so true and something I still believe, it's just so comforting feeling like whatever you want has already happened and all you need to do is find the correct path to lead you to that outcome, to lead you to that, to step into that dimension, to step into that reality. In, oh that was the most amazing time, in June last year I went on a road trip and I have a video about that as well but that was the most special trip to me, still to this day even though I've been to so many amazing countries but this road trip, just a six-day road trip around from South Australia to Victoria was just the most eye-opening experience. I went on this road trip with Caitlyn and Caitlyn is a girl that I met when I studied nitropathy, I will talk about that more in another video but as soon as she walked into the room, before I knew anything about her I had a very strong feeling that we will be friends and I cannot describe it but it was something to do with energy, let me tell you. So I wrote here on the 3rd of June 2016 I went on the most incredible road trip with a very special girl Caitlyn, we meditated, we ate cereal for breakfast and dinner, we hugged, we cried, we got in a car accident, it was magical, it was eye-opening, it felt like a movie. She is so different, I have never met anyone like her, she's free, she radiates love and light, she's like a river and I actually hung out with her two days ago, we went to an Indian restaurant and she's still the same, she's the most magical, the genuine person I know and she unknowingly, she helped me so much in my own journey, I can't say a bad thing about her. On the, okay this doesn't have a date but this would have been around July, I said I feel like I'm saying goodbye to Adelaide, I don't know if that's living in the present or future, I feel like I need to cut ties, I feel like I could be doing so much more, I feel like there's magic right around the corner. I remember this feeling clearly and I still feel this way, I still feel like I'm not here permanently, I feel like I'm not gonna end up leaving in Adelaide but that feeling during that time was especially strong, it was a feeling of anticipation, that's what it was, it was a feeling of oh something is gonna happen and it's gonna happen very soon. On the 17th of June 2017, so another year later, this is what I wrote. Hi, we haven't talked in a while, I've been too busy living my dream, my dream life is now, it's my current life. I sometimes think this is too good to be true, I can't believe it sometimes but then I remember that you universe give everyone what they ask for when they are ready to receive it. When I sat down with my eyes closed because the when I begged you with tears in my eyes to give me what I want, you took note of that as you always do and I'm so grateful I want to cry. I'm in love and I know what magic is, what it feels like. This is me, this is my life and I'm the happiest I have ever been. I love you, I love you, I love you, thank you. And on the 24th of June, this would have been June, 24, 6, 6 months is June. Wait, oh yeah, so it would have been the same month as I wrote that. June is only three months ago, so this would have been two, three months ago and I said I am free, my life is in my hands, it is my choice, I am in control, I have no obligations, my path leads to happiness, I am safe, the universe takes care of me, I am loved, someone else's perception doesn't affect me, I feel what is right for me, only I know how to live my life, passion is key to success, I am secure in my passion, I can do this, I have free will, I love what I do and I will continue doing so. And this is my last entry, this was the very last thing that I wrote and I haven't wrote in it since. Okay, I feel cleansed, I feel like I just, I feel like this is a coming out video or something like that. I feel free and I feel, I feel really beautiful sharing my story and I really, really, really hope it helps you in some way, like even just knowing that you have hope because as you could tell from my diary entries I felt so ---- when I was, when I was like 15, 16 years old and now I cannot compare to the person that was writing in those diaries because I feel like it wasn't me and it, it really wasn't. And this is something that I learned from Eckhart Tolle, from this book to be exact. He is, he is amazing, I love his books. Your ego and you, the real you, the energy that is you, the source that is you, the universe that is you and your ego are completely different things, completely different things. The person that was writing those diaries when she was 15, 16 years old, that was a person filled with ego and a false perception of herself. As you realize the unity between everything, as you realize this life force that is within everything that grows, every plant, every animal, every human, this life force, this energy that runs your whole body, that, this energy, call it your soul, call it whatever suits you, but this energy is the real you as I perceive it. And I feel like the more you realize that, the more closer you are to that, the more you let go of your ego, the closer you are to your source energy, the more love and gratitude you allow to flow in your life. Let's end this video on another entry that I completely forgot to talk about, but completely forgot to put my bookmark in there, which said, creativity, creative thinking. Creativity is a huge part of me. I know I'm still figuring out who I am, but I know for sure I am a creative thinker. My mind is buzzing with ideas. I create art. I find closure in watching watercolors spilling onto colorful shadows and shapes on white textured paper. Capturing just the right angle sends shivers down my spine and finding the perfect music to accompany that video for sunset I shot two days ago gives me an adrenaline rush. I am in a passionate and committed relationship with art. Creativity for me is oxygen, which still is true to this day. And I really would like to talk to you about my Etsy shop, not so much to promote it or make you buy my stuff, but to tell you about it because it's such a huge part of what I do now. That is what I do now. Um, when I studied naturopathy, I felt like I didn't explore my creative side enough. When I was little, I would paint so much. And when I was at uni, I just didn't have time to paint. I opened an Etsy shop without thinking too much into it. I opened it in May last year. I remember I had this random thought and I opened it the next day. I didn't think much about it. I just thought, why not? Those impulses like that mean something. When you have this random thought to start something, where did it come from? Where did it come from apart from the universe itself? And disagree with me if you want, but that's how I feel about it. Having my own platform to share my art and Etsy shop motivated me to create unlike anything else, unlike anything else. It is through art, not just through art, but also through art that I find my alignment, that I feel that connection, that I feel that flow of my energy. I paint and as I paint, I allow more ideas and more inspiration to flow into my head. And it's this ongoing, beautiful, beautiful process of creation that just is so inspiring to me. The art that I create now is deeply inspired and affected by the state that I am in, a state of alignment, a state of endless love and gratitude that I want everyone to feel. I want everyone to feel this way. I really hope that what I create reflects that and makes you feel. That's my goal. That's honestly my goal. And if anyone is interested to support me and support my journey, this is the kind of stuff I do. I do posters. This one is a manifestation using lunar phases, seven chakras poster, which is one of my personal favorites. These illustrations that were inspired by the connection and unity between us and the universe. I really honestly, genuinely hope that you enjoyed this freaking half an hour, however long this video is going to be, about my journey, about myself, about my story, about something so personal to me and about something that makes me feel so invulnerable and it's just so special to me. I hope it inspires you. I hope it gives you hope. I hope it helps you find your own awakening, your own enlightenment, your own sense of connection, your own sense of the universe, sense of that energy. I hope you feel it. I want everyone to feel it. I want the whole world to feel it. Because to me, when you feel it, that's when you're happy. That's when I'm happy. And when everyone is happy, the world is a different place in the best way possible. I hope you have a beautiful day and I will see you in my next video. Bye.