How to deal with emotions in a healthy way

Atloan asks, In psychology, is there a well-regarded encyclopedia of emotions? Yeah, you're probably looking for a simple, useful explanation of emotions. Nothing like that exists. We don't even have a definition for what an emotion is, at least not one that scientists agree on. The problem with defining emotions is we don't always experience emotions the same way. Anxiety might make you want to avoid something, but it could make me want to over-prepare. Emotions are unpredictable. Our minds try to understand the sensations in our bodies, the thoughts in our heads, and the things that are happening around us. Emotions somehow emerge out of that soup of stuff. Sometimes there's a clear match. Your best friend moves away, you feel slowed down, and you keep thinking about how much worse things are going to be without your friend nearby. You're obviously sad. But sometimes things aren't so clear. Let's say your stomach feels weird, you can't focus, and your head hurts. Maybe that's anxiety, but it could also be disgust. Or maybe you're hungry, or you're getting sick. Even if two people are in the exact same situation, and are experiencing the exact same sensation, they might have different emotions. Imagine two friends in line for a roller coaster. As they hear people screaming on the ride, their heart starts to beat faster and faster. One of them is scared, the other is excited. What do we make of that? Sometimes emotions just don't make any sense. So here I have some peanut butter, and here I have a clean diaper. If I combined the two and served you some yummy peanut butter from the diaper, would you have any? Probably not. In fact, I'm guessing you're getting a little disgusted just looking at this. This is why we can't define emotions. They're weird, unreliable, irrational. Some psychologists don't even believe they exist. This is bonkers. I mean, my job is to help people with their emotions. How can I do that if we're so clueless about what emotions are? But you want an encyclopedic, simple explanation. So let me do my best to explain how I understand emotions, and what I do to help my patients with their emotions. And let's focus on the emotions that always come up in therapy. Fear, anger, and sadness. Emotions organize your mind and body to move towards something or away from something. Just right now, when you saw that peanut butter poopy diaper, your mind and body were probably focused on getting away from the screen. Emotions help us to take action. Fear gets us to safety. Anger pushes us to correct a wrong. Sadness has us withdraw to reflect on our life. Emotions communicate important information to other people faster than we can with words. If you're scared, your face tells people around you that there's danger nearby. Our emotions can even change other people. If you're upset and having a bad day, people will probably get out of your way. And if you're sad, they might offer to help. Emotions are the foundation of our intuition. And if you understand them, you're better equipped to navigate school, work, and relationships. But some of us might have a hard time with emotions. Emotions might feel too intense. Like when sadness makes it really hard to get anything done during the day. Or they can limit your life. Like when anxiety makes it hard to talk to another person. Why does this happen? Well, some of us are genetically wired to experience emotions more intensely. Remember those roller coaster kids? One of them might have been born with anxiety turned up and the other had anxiety turned down. Some of us grow up in a home where we're taught to deal with emotions in an unhealthy way. Like we should never cry. Or the only way you'll get attention is when you're mad. Some of us go through tough experiences like losing a loved one in a traumatic way and finding it difficult to think about that person without crying. For all these reasons, emotions can be uncomfortable. And the problem I see over and over and over again is when people start avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Avoiding fear is what leads to phobias. Suppressing anger is what leads to a temper. And if you don't deal with your sadness, it can grow into depression. You can't change your emotions by avoiding them. The only way to control your emotions is by getting comfortable being uncomfortable. This means really understanding how you experience emotions. Something I do with my patients is watch the first 10 minutes of Up and track our emotions. Because that movie gives me all the feels. Like literally all the feels. I also use sad songs, funny videos, and angry political ads. The more my patients do this, the less mysterious their emotions become. And my patients also learn that their emotions don't last forever. They're like waves in the ocean. They rise, they fall, and then they disappear. Once my patients understand their emotions better, then we focus on the sensations that cause them the most discomfort. If you hate the feeling of a racing heartbeat, we'll do jumping jacks in my office to get you used to that sensation. If you hate feeling embarrassed, we might go outside and practice dropping things in front of a crowd. Watch my video on exposure therapy for more on that. If you struggle with anger, I will teach you how to punch a pillow to release your anger. Just kidding. I'm never gonna do that because it doesn't work. It just revs up those sensations and makes you more angry. So don't do that. Don't try to like vent your anger. Instead, I teach people how to tolerate their anger through deep breathing, creating a different emotion by watching a funny video, or distracting your body by smelling fresh coffee or your favorite lotion. I love lavender lotion. It's really, really soothing. Chills me out just like that. It's usually around this time when my patients ask, what do I do with all these emotions? This turns out to be just as complicated a question as what are emotions? The simplest answer I have is to ask yourself, do my emotions fit the facts? Is my fear a response to real danger? Is my anger the result of a real injustice? Is my sadness related to a real loss? If the answer is yes, and it'll help you to act on your emotion, then do it. If you're afraid, get to safety. If you're mad, approach the person who wronged you. And if you're sad, take time to reflect on what's happened. But if your emotions don't fit the facts, if there isn't a real danger, or if someone didn't intentionally harm you, and if you aren't really losing something, or if acting on your emotions will cause you more problems, then practice acting the opposite of the emotion. For fear, that means facing the situation, not avoiding it. For anger, that means tolerating the distress and not acting on it. For sadness, that means getting active. This is confusing. And I am actually more confused now about emotions than I was before I started making this video. It's just really hard to simplify the complexity that is emotions. But maybe the How Are You Feeling Today poster by Jim Borgman will help. Or Vox's Inside Out emotions table. Or this bodily topography of emotions from Newmanma et al. I also like Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions. One more tip, if you want to feel less intense emotions, make sure you take care of yourself. The less hungry, thirsty, and sleepy you are, the less pain you have in your body, the less sensations you experience, and consequently, the less intense your emotions are. Now, most of the skills I talked about today in this video come from dialectical behavior therapy. But if you want an easy introduction into how to apply some of this stuff, check out Ellen Forney's book, Rock Steady. It's this graphic how-to guide on to do the stuff that we talked about. What emotions do you want to learn more about? Let me know in the comments below. Special thanks to Atlowan for submitting this question. If you have a question, tag it on social media with hashtag The Psych Show QA.