LIFE AFTER LOSS

Kath, Kath, 2002 Did you really like me that much? Can you tell me now? Of course not. You're used to it already. That's enough, now. I'm sorry that I'm jealous. Losing your child, like we lost Milo, and going through what we went through was one of the hardest things I could ever describe. Like, there's nothing that would ever match it, really, that's happened to me. So, I'm almost like, what's next? And I feel like we could kind of just, like nothing could stop us from continuing to go. So, me and Ashley have always lived our lives, it's not about how many times you get knocked down, It's about how many times you get back up and keep pushing forward. So, no matter what bad happens, I think we'll always continue to stay on the path we've been on, Because of what we've been through, and it's like, okay, that happened, Now how are we going to make the best of it, and how can we keep pushing forward? Where are we? Yeah, sometimes I'm like, okay, well, what's next? But that doesn't mean I'm like, well, what's next, now I'm angry at God? No, it's like, okay, what's next? How can I learn from this experience? Like, yeah, we had a miscarriage just now, which is hard, Because if you guys could have seen how excited Ashley and I were that she was pregnant, and how emotional we both were, and how excited we were, But then to have that loss, and be like, okay, we can get through this, And how can we make the best of this? What can we do to rise up and be better from what just happened? So, I don't want people to think it's always a highlight reel for me and Ashley, that everything great is happening, because we go through the hard times too, and the emotional things, and the loss. Because I feel like we have so many people's eyes on us, That if we gave up like that, it would almost be like, man, if they gave up, what about us? My mom has been through more than anyone, and she continues to be faithful, and has always had a smile on her face, and is always pushing forward. I think as long as we live by my mom's inner footsteps, and just do what she's doing, I feel like we'll be okay. Are you excited to see his headstone? It's going to be big, it's really tall too. Three feet tall. All of my mom's side of the family is buried like five roads, streets over. And then I have family buried on that side. So, I just wanted to kind of put him right in between everyone. I mean, we do visit him a lot. Sometimes I'll stop by on my way home from the gym and just say hi, But not crazy amounts, just because from what we believe in, I know that this is not where he is, and that he is somewhere else. So, I mean, I've never really gone and visited my siblings up there very much, And that's a big reason. My older brother who passed away, when that happened, in my mind I was like, Okay, my brother died, and that's the only bad thing that will ever happen to my family. Like, I didn't even think that could ever happen. So, when it did, I think I was 13, I was like, okay, that's it. Like, no more bad things will happen. And then I think I like to curse myself because it was like non-stop bad things. I don't want to say bad things, but hard things are going on in our family, you know? Like, my nephew died of SIDS the same way Milo died. And then my brother-in-law passed away exactly a week later. My sister's husband who lost her son, her husband passed away too. And she fell into a very deep depression, and then she was the next one to pass away. And then my brother Seven, who I was also really close to, Like he was my other sibling who was really into martial arts like I was, and was a great fighter, and he drowned at Pineview the same year. This was all in 2015. Last year. So, and obviously we lost our son Milo. So, I think after all this stuff just kept happening, I'm almost to the point where it's almost like... You're getting numb. No matter what happens in life, it can't really hurt you. It can't get you down as long as you refuse to let it. You always have to keep pushing forward. And that's what we're kind of living our lives by. No matter what happens, we're not going to stop. I can't just give up and be like, okay, well that's it. Look at it from a different perspective and what can you learn from it, you know? I mean, even... And that's like with anything in life, like successes, failures, but also hard things and trials and losses. You know, there's obviously... It's not a punishment. It's not like you're being punished and that's why someone passed away. It can be an experience of learning and growing. And I think looking back, We're completely different people than we were before Milo passed away. God's not up there like, oops, I screwed up up there. Everything that happens is for a reason. So, if he doesn't make mistakes and we have enough faith to believe That God is not going to make that mistake, Then what do we have to worry about? Okay, that's whatever he had planned for us. And with how blessed Ashley and I are, People almost feel like our Instagram, our Facebook is just a highlight reel. So, we like to let people know, hey, we don't just have great success. We don't just have amazing things happen. We have terrible things happen too. And it just depends on how we deal with them. So, I feel like because of how we've handled certain things, We get blessed for certain things. So, if something bad happens, Don't be that person who's constantly negative about life And like, oh, this is happening and this is happening. I can't believe I've had three siblings die in my family. And to lose a child, you know. I told Ashley the other day, I was like, you know what, I had a hard time even getting emotional when my siblings passed away. And that sounds weird to you guys, but when you've lost a child like we have, And to go through that emotional situation of me finding him and going through CPR I did. The doctor actually looked at me and was like, Do you want us to stop or continue to do CPR? And I had a peaceful feeling come over me and I was like, no, you can just stop. And Ashley looked at me like, wait, let him go on. And I was like, Ash, I saw him pass away when he was at the house. So, I didn't want to sit there and continue to watch them do CPR on him. So, it's not always a highlight reel. It's not always perfect, you know. Yes, we've had great success, but we've also been through scary, horrible things together. But we will always continue to rise above it, No matter what happens, right? This is such an awkward place to be having this conversation. I feel like this is a great place to be having it. I mean, no, it's a good place, but I'm in the car and you're on a motorcycle.