Chapters 1 2 - Stop Talking Such Jive Hubby - Pride and Prejudice Lit Edition

Hello and welcome to Pride and Prejudice Lit Edition. My name is Christopher Bingham and throughout this series I'm going to be delivering an unabridged read-through of Jane Austen's classic novel, Pride and Prejudice, updated for today's teenagers using hip new language and cool references to make it real good. This won't be your mum's Jane Austen, this will be new Jane Austen for a new, newer audience. My goal with this series is to create an accessible, enjoyable resource for readers of all ages, but particularly cool young people. So without wasting any more time, let's get started. Chapter One. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of mad, mad stacks must be scoping out some wife material. However little known the feelings or views of such a dude may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. My dear Mr. Bennett, said his lady to him one day, have you heard what's up with Netherfield Park being let at last? Mr. Bennett replied that he had not heard what was up. What's up, returned she, is that Mrs. Long has just been down there and she told me all about it. Mr. Bennett kept his ear. Don't you want to know who has taken it? cried his wife impatiently. You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it. This invitation was enough. Why my dear, you gotta know. Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man with mad, mad stacks from the north of England. That he came down on Monday in a pimpest ride to see the place and was so much delighted with it that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately. That he is to take possession before Michaelmas and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week. What's his cat's name? Bingley. Is he single, married, what's the deal? Oh, single my dear, to be sure. A single man with mad, mad stacks. Four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls. Now what are you getting at? How can it affect them? My dear Mr. Bennett, replied his wife, how can you not be picking up what I'm putting down? You gotta know that I'm thinking of his marrying one of them. Is that his design in settling here? Design? How can you even talk like that? But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes. I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be better still, because, I mean, you're real hot, and I don't want him getting ideas. Oh, stop, that's, mmm, that's too much. I mean, I am feeling myself, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought not to be vibing on how lit she is all the time. Yeah, but in most cases them women is dogs. Come off it, you need to go see this Mr. Bingley when he comes into the neighborhood. There's more than I signed on for, okay? There's more than I ******* signed on for, I assure you. But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go for just that reason. I mean, otherwise, you know them, they don't really get outside. You've got to go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him if you do not. Okay, fine, I dare say this Bingley cat will be very glad to see you. I'mma just, I'll tweet, I'll hit him up, I'll tweet him. I'm not gonna, I'll at, I'll mention you, not like, I'll indirectly mention you. I won't at mention you, I'll just like use your name, without your username, and just assure him that he has my consent to do what he wants, marry whichever of our daughters he feels like, just let him know, I'll just throw it out there into the, into the, uh, into the blogosphere. Though, I gotta say, I'm gonna follow up with a little extra one about Lizzie. You will do no such thing. Lizzie is not a bit better than the others, and I am sure she is not half so babylicious as Jane, nor half so real funny as Lydia, but you are always giving her the preference. I mean, none of them really have much going on, replied he. They're all dumb and spend a lot of time on Candy Crush like every other girl, but Lizzie's more of a smart cookie than the others. Mr. Bennett, how can you talk about your own kids like that? You take delight in this, don't you? Like, just confuddling me up. You've got no compassion for my poor nerves. You mistake me, my dear. I have high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years, at least. Ah, you don't have the half of it, but I hope you'll get over it and live to see many soft boys with a whole load of stacks come and flood the neighborhood. It'll be no use to us if twenty of these beautiful soft boys come into the neighborhood, because you won't go see them. I promise you, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all. Mr. Bennett was like this whole big old mix of quickness, of sarcastic humor, reserve, caprice. He was nasty, but like fun nasty. He was fierce. And that experience of three and twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and an uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she figured she was nervous. The business of her life was to get some hobbies for her girls. Other than that, Hey guys, so that was chapter one of Pride and Prejudice. Welcome to this new podcast that I'm doing. It's called Pride and Prejudice Edition. It's a bit of an experiment. I wanted to get into podcasting. This is one of the first ones that I wanted to make to, you know, whet people's appetite and also mainly just get me used to talking into a microphone instead of a camera. This little halfway point in future episodes will be used to share messages, update you on news, throw in some questions and answers, maybe whatever we kind of need to do housekeeping wise. But obviously, I'll keep this one pretty short. One thing I'd like to say on this first episode, though, is that if you like this podcast, if you like the idea of it, I guess at this point, and you want to hear more of it, you can help us out in a big way by going over to iTunes and leaving us a positive review. And you can help us out by tweeting about the show using the hashtag P&P Lit. Hashtag P&P Lit. And finally, you can help us out by just telling a friend. If you have a nerdy book person in your life who might get a kick out of this, tell them that it exists, because word of mouth is one of the biggest ways that podcasts spread themselves. Just a quick disclaimer, and I think I'm going to have to put this in every episode. I love the idea of people using this as a study guide, as a way of revising Jane Austen if they have a test coming up. But please, please do not quote my version in your essays. It's not correct. You have to quote the original book. If you're going to make a reference to something that happens in the book, you have to use the original text. Please don't go telling your teacher that they said something they didn't because of you heard it in this. That's not how it works. That's not how learning works, and I want you to get an A. Other than that, I've got nothing much else to say in this part, so here's the next chapter. Chapter Two. Mr. Bennett was one of the first to roll up on Mr. Bingley. He had always intended to visit him, but he didn't tell his wife that until, like, after he'd done it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second daughter stick in little plastic jewels to the back of her phone case, he suddenly addressed her with, I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzie. We are not in a way to know what Mr. Bingley likes, said her mother resentfully, since we are not to visit. But you forget, Mama, said Elizabeth, that we're going to meet him at the assemblies, and that Mrs. Long promised to introduce us. I don't believe that bitch will do what she says. She's got two nieces of her own, you know. She's selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion of her, apart from that she's bad. You tell him, wife, said Mr. Bennett, and I'm glad to find you're not waiting on that bitch for a single cheesy quaver. Mrs. Bennett figured she wouldn't reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her daughters. You're going to cough up a lung, Kitty. ****. Have a little compassion for my nerves. You're tearing them apart. Kitty's got no control over her coughs, said her father. She can't do that. She's ill. She's sick. I don't do it because it's fun, replied Kitty fretfully. When is your next ball to be, Lizzie? Two weeks tomorrow. Aye, so it is, cried her mother. That bitch Mrs. Long doesn't come back until the day before, so she's going to have, like, no time to meet him herself. Then, my dear, you may have the advantage and introduce Mr. Bingley to her. Stop talking such jive, hubby, when I don't even know him myself. How can you be so teasing? Okay, sure, but check this. If we're not going to do it, then someone else is going to do it. So, if you're not going to introduce them, then I'll do it myself. The girls stared at their father. Mrs. Bennett said only, ******* nonsense. What do you mean nonsense, cried he. Do you consider the forms of introduction, the stress that's laid on them, all of that is nonsense? I don't quite agree with you there. What do you say, Mary? You're a young lady who thinks a lot and reads a lot of books, thinks cool things. Mary wished to say something sensible, but she had no clue. While Mary is racking her dome, he continued, let us return to Mr. Bingley. I am sick of Mr. Bingley, cried his wife. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Why didn't you tell me before? If I had known as much this morning, I certainly wouldn't have called on him. That's a crying shame, since I've actually been over there now and we can't escape his acquaintance. Well, ----. The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wanted. That of Mrs. Bennett, particularly astronomical compared to the rest. Though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she just started saying that she figured it all along. How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Bennett. You know, you're my husband. I don't even know your first name. It's not mentioned in this book at all. I just keep calling you Mr. Bennett. How weird is that? On ITV, they called you Claude, in that one adaptation. But I mean, that can't be canon, right? If we're going to do this thing, if this marriage is going to work, I gotta have a name for you that isn't Mr. Bennett. Uh, how about Metro? That's pretty cool, right? That's pretty neat. Like a rapper. Metro Bennett. I like that. Met to his friends. How about Dave? Dave, wavy Dave. Wavy Dave Bennett. And to his friends, just the kid. I know, I mean, I know I'm getting off topic. I'm excited about the Bingley thing, but it just kind of came to me like a quickening that we've been together for a whole long time, and I don't, I don't always ever call you Mr. Bennett. It's very, it's weird. I'm gonna call you Metro Wavy Dave Bennett from now on, okay? Wavy Davey, my husband. And I mean, I knew. You didn't have me fooled. I knew I could persuade you. And I was sure you cared about your girls a little bit more than you let on, okay? And now I know. And she starts dancing. I know. I knew it all along. I did. I did. Oh, yeah. I knew. Nice joke, though. I mean, real good. Real mature. You, ah, you went. You went this morning. You didn't tell me. Ah, ****. I love you. I love you, Wavy Dave. Now, Kitty, you cough your little soul out, said Mr. Bennett. And as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the just crazy torrent of ---- his wife just unloaded on him. What an excellent father you have, girls, she said when the door was shut. I don't know how you'll ever make it up to him. Or me, for that matter. At our time of life, let me tell you, it's kind of rough meeting new people. But for your sakes, we will do anything. Lydia, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the next ball. Lydia's all like, I'm not afraid. For though I am the youngest, I'm also the tallest. Dancing shoes, ladies. I got him. The rest of the evening was spent chatting about how they would return Mr. Bennett's visit and determining when they should ask him to dinner.