Growing Up Without A Dad Is The Main Reason You're Messed Up | Attachment Issues

Okay, growing up without a dad is the main reason you're messed up and have attachment issues. If the title triggers you that could actually be a good thing. It may mean you need to hear this whether you're a man, a squeaky chair, a woman, mother, or a father. Our triggers are often a hint to unheal wounds and maybe feelings of guilt. Now, it may help you to know that I am the product of a single mom and lived most of my young and adult years with an insecure attachment style. As some of you know, my dad died just before my 12th birthday. Now, despite not being perfect he had been my hero and safe place in the world. A few years later, my mom tried to join him. Not surprisingly, I became fearful that any man I loved would abandon me and I developed an anxious avoidant attachment style. Desperate for closeness but hiding behind a wall of emotional stay away. Children need their mothers and fathers. Yet, while society accepts, embraces, and even exalts mothers we're delinquent in expressing the critical importance of fathers. A child needs his father or at minimum a good male father figure who is present, involved, loving, safe, and masculine. Now, if you didn't have that it likely left you with some emotional scars and my heart goes out to you. Let's explore the sociological and neurological reasons fathers matter. And the impact lack of a good dad has on your attachment style. Plus, how to become more securely attached no matter what your upbringing. If you're new to my channel my name is Anna Jorgensen. I help you decode modern women so you can find, attract, and keep your keeper. Or simply have better relationships with women. Welcome to just the tip. Dads matter, masculinity matters. Society tries to sell us on the unimportance of fathers and masculine male role models. But society is wrong. Conventionally, masculinity includes risk taking and statistically men take more dangerous risks than women do. Children need to explore and learn how to take reasonable risks. Studies show, whether by nature or nurture, moms tend toward caregiving and relating while dads lean toward exploration and play. Both are critical. Many single moms try to protect their children from taking risks but being overprotective can hinder healthy emotional growth. Example, a father and the mother of his child are not together but have a good relationship. As a result, the dad is actively involved in his son's life. One day at the local swimming hole some kids around the son's age are jumping off a low cliff into the pool. It's a popular spot for this and there haven't been any accidents. The father encourages his son to jump in knowing if he takes this reasonable risk, it will help him face his fear and build resilience. Meanwhile, mom, more cautious, expresses concerns about danger and wants him to wait until he's older to jump off the cliff. The boy is conflicted. His friends have jumped and he doesn't want to feel or look like a scared sissy but his mom has instilled self-doubt. However, on the fateful day, dad is right there with the boy and mom isn't. The son asks if dad will jump with him but his father knows doing so would take away from his son's feeling of victory. The son faces his fear and jumps. Nothing bad happens. His confidence soars. Dad is proud. Let's skip ahead several years. The son is nearing graduation. He has grown into a confident self-assured young man. Dads matter, men matter, masculinity matters. The sociological side of things from the moment you entered the world you were soaking up social cues faster than you can say pass the remote. Did I write that? Okay, if you were lucky, guess who was often right there in the mix, shaping those early interactions? Yep, you guessed it, your dad. Whether it's a rough housing in the living room with his son or sharing a heartfelt chat on the porch swing with his dada. Fathers play a unique role in their children's social development. If you think about it, dads tend to bring a different energy to the parenting table. They're more likely to engage in play that involves risk taking and exploration, which can teach children valuable lessons about resilience and independence. Seeing dad model healthy communication sets the stage for how children learn to navigate their own relationships down the road. Now, without dad as a role model, children may grow up afraid to take risks or challenge themselves and never develop into their full potential. They may develop anxiety, live in fear, and give up at the slightest obstacle, maybe not even try. If the child's mother was bitter about dad not being around, that influence could lead the child to developing a negative attitude toward men, believing all men are bad. A daughter can grow up suspicious or resentful of men and she may paint all men with a brush of users who will abandon or abuse her. And she could develop an avoidant attachment style, never letting any man get too close. A son might internalize his mother's resentment toward men and come to believe men are innately bad. He might hate himself for being born male and develop an anxious attachment style, clinging to girlfriends like a lifeline. As a result, he may become secretly bitter and people pleasing, especially with women, sacrificing his own needs for theirs. Or he might act needy and fake nice because unconsciously he doesn't believe he deserves love. Or if there is no man to teach him how to model male masculinity, he might become codependent to a dominating woman he unconsciously hopes will take care of him as a replacement for his mom. Mama's boys, fatherless daughters may go for bad boys or emotionally unavailable men. Now, even good moms can inadvertently influence their daughters into becoming ball busters or their sons into becoming doormats or simps. Example, a loving single mom raised her son alone because the father didn't want to be part of his son's life. Sad, but like, comment, right? Hoping that day might change and not wanting to make the situation worse, she was actually careful to not talk poorly about the son's father. However, over the years, she subtly overemphasized treating women right and doing the right thing, but failed to impress upon him the importance of also having reasonable standards and boundaries for himself. As a result, her now adult son has a strong moral compass, but is a people pleaser, especially with girlfriends, having difficulty saying no to them even when he should. His mom's intention to make sure he didn't become like his father ended up swinging the pendulum too far the other way. Without a dad there to model healthy give and take, he didn't learn how to handle conflict with women or how to do healthy romantic relationships. Dads matter. The neurological nudge. Okay, as it turns out, dad's influence goes beyond the realm of social dynamics. It's wired into our brains. Studies show paternal involvement can have a profound impact on the development of neural pathways related to emotional regulation and stress response. First off, without dad in the picture, stress can hit harder. I'm talking about cortisol levels going through the roof and struggling to keep those emotions in check when things get tough. Then there's brain development. Not having dad around can mess with the pathways that help you regulate your emotions, leaving you feeling a bit all over the place when it comes to handling your feelings. Let's not forget about mental health. Studies hint that growing up without dad can up your chances of dealing with anxiety or depression or developing eating disorders, particularly for daughters. And here's a tough one, substance abuse. It turns out that not having a good dad around can increase your risk of turning to booze or drugs as a way to cope with all that stress and emotional turmoil. In other words, having an engaged and loving father can literally rewire your brain for better emotional resilience. Keywords engaged and loving. So yeah, not having a dad around during those formative years is more than a case of missing out on father-son fishing trips or daddy-daughter days. Dads matter. How fatherless homes mess you up, whether it be a death, divorce or some other disaster, some of us who grew up with emotionally or physically distant or absent fathers were very much impacted. If you had an abusive or neglectful father, many of these will still apply to you. There's a void left behind. So picture this, a young lad or lady navigating the rocky waters of adolescence without a steady guidance of a father figure. When dad is absent it creates a void that leaves a lasting imprint on your attachment style. You may become clingy, trying to hang on to people you shouldn't or avoidant with people you think will hurt you, but actually who really do care about you. Perhaps, like I did, you vacillate between feeling clingy and aloof, never feeling at ease or safe in your relationship, seeking validation elsewhere. Without dad in the picture, sons may find themselves seeking validation and guidance from other sources maybe peers, mentors or even pop culture icons like Andrew Tate. Daughters may start an OnlyFans page or a racy IG account. Here's the kicker, these substitutes pale in comparison to the real deal of self-love and acceptance. As a result, they may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and form healthy, secure attachments. Emotional roller coaster, when dad isn't around. To model healthy emotional expression and provide a safe space for positive vulnerability, also known as courage, sons may find themselves suppressing or oversharing, leading to difficulties forming intimate connections and navigating relationships. Daughters may become addicted to relationship drama and self-sabotage. However, even if this sounds like you, there is hope for change. You can break the cycle. Now, while the absence of a good dad can cast a long shadow, it doesn't have to define your destiny. Defined? Define your destiny. You can break free of patterns and the past and forge your own secure attachment style. It will take time, effort and soul searching but self-love and security is worth the journey. Now, by taking proactive steps to fill the void dad left, you can rewrite the script and create your own sense of security and happy ending. Okay, so step one. Healing begins with forgiveness. Starting with yourself. Recognize that whatever you endured as a child wasn't your fault. You were just a child. I repeat, it was not your fault. At the same time as difficult as this may be to hear, if your parents fell short of what you needed from them as a child, they were likely doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. No one is perfect. It's not your fault. You couldn't change who they were or what they did. Step two, love yourself now the way you wish your parents had been able to love you when you were a child. When that sneaky self-defeating voice in your head says you're not worth it, squash it. You are worth it. When it says you can't do it, you say how can I do it? There could be a way. When it says she'll leave you, you say if she leaves me, rejection is God's protection. The right one will stay. Whenever you're doubting yourself think of what you would have wanted to hear from a good dad and say that to yourself. Remember, in the absence of emotionally healthy and supportive parents the journey to a secure attachment is possible and worth it. Here's to all the great dads and moms out there, past, present, and future. Your influence matters more than you know and I'm sending the biggest hug out to those who didn't have attentive loving parents and to the parents who wished they had done a better job. Now, remember we're all doing the best we can with what we currently know including you. So, before I tie a bow on this with a few afterthoughts if you found value in this video please give it a like and consider subscribing and thank you if you already have. Also, thanks for your super thanks and PayPal donations. Okay, afterthoughts and just the tip extras. Not everyone had two amazing parents present throughout their childhoods. Having two bad parents can be worse than having one good parent. Step parents can be good or bad or a combination. Change is really, really difficult, but really, really worth it. And research has shown that spending quality time with dad can lead to lower levels of stress hormones. So, maybe it's time to give your dad a call if you can. Now, dads aren't just handy for fixing leaky faucets and imparting wisdom about the stock market or sports strategies or intimidating a daughter's first boyfriend. They're also crucial players in shaping our attachment styles. So, from sociological influences to neurological rewiring, the impact of paternal involvement runs deep. Dads matter, masculinity matters full stop. I'm sending you so much love, I believe in you, you are worthy. God bless.