"Set Up" on a Date? Say This...

Hello, everyone. Welcome to Love Life. You are here with me, your host, Matthew Hussey. And we have a caller on the line today. So, Neema, tell me, what did you want to talk about today? Sure. So I'll give you a little bit of background before I ask you my question. So I'm Indian and I'm being set up with someone by my parents. And I've spoken to this person, but I haven't met him. But this weekend, he's flying into town from another city to meet me. From what I can tell, he seems really smart. Quite shy. And so I often find myself in the situation where someone will set me up and I have a very short amount of time in which to sort of make a first pass or first cut. And there's a lot of pressure. So I'm wondering, firstly, what if you can channel some of his kind of fears or concerns that he might have about, you know, being set up through parents? And also, you know, is it really possible to make a good impact in a short amount of time? I like what I know of him so far. So what can I do to sort of make this go well? Yeah, that's it. I love your questions. I think, God, you clearly are very self-aware and intelligent from the questions you've asked. I think, firstly, it's really important. Even, you know, there are differences in culture, right? But human beings, they all carry certain traits. And a very human trait is we don't like to be sold something. We want to feel like we're buying it of our own decision. We want to feel like we're making that decision based on what we want, not based on what somebody else wants. So no one, people don't like to be sold. That doesn't mean you can't sell them, right? It just means that they want to feel like it's their decision. So you're right now, the difficulty of any situation where it's arranged is that both of you want to feel like that decision has been made organically. That you want the thing that's in front of you and you've got to help him feel like he's doing the choosing, not that this is just some arranged thing that he either doesn't have a say in or that he feels has been imposed on him. So that's the starting point, is that he shows up, he's like, well, maybe my parents think this person might be good for me, but do they really know what I want? Do they really know what sort of person I'm into? So I think that it's important in some way to expose that elephant in the room. So even if that means when you're on the date, you kind of joke about it and you're like, well, my my parents seem to think you'd be great for me and laugh about it a little bit and say, you know, I'm still I have obviously I have to figure that out. You know, I'm still I'm still working that out. I like what I've seen so far. And I can say that. Yeah, of course you can. But you're saying it in a you know, you're being kind of playful with it. You're not OK. You're not being overly serious with it. You can even even if you said that in the first five minutes, it's like, well, I like the first four minutes that I've seen. You know, you could joke with it. Don't don't be too serious with it. At the end of the day, just because you've been set up, it doesn't mean that you're not going to like each other anyway. It just it just means that you got you have to help him feel like, oh, she also acknowledges that this is kind of a tough situation that our parents decided. We we might go well together, but we don't necessarily think so yet. Now, when you you can say, well, obviously your parents thought I'd be great for you because I'm awesome. You know, I that's you know, that's clear. But I you know, I know you won't even question that. You could joke about that as well. And you know, if he's shy, he's going to enjoy you drawing out of him a little bit rather than rather than you being the exact same way, you know, be be the person who shines a bit of a light on the awkwardness of the situation. So that's the that's the first thing. And secondly, in terms of you showing him or making an impact in a short space of time, you're not trying to you don't need someone to fall in love with you in a short space of time. You just need them to be curious about you. Yeah, it's sort of like you want to at least get to the point if there is mutual interest that we will meet once more. You know, that's kind of the goal, right? Not anything beyond that. And you know what? You don't even need to at this stage go for interest. You can go for curiosity. Curiosity is the beginning of attraction. That moment where you you know, you can get curiosity before you've even spoken to someone. You could see someone across the room be making eyes at each other. And then when you leave five minutes later, you're going, God, I'm curious about that person. I want to know about them. And it's not necessarily that you even consciously think you're attracted to them yet. You're just intrigued by them and you want to know more. So I wouldn't overly focus on, you know, how do I get him interested? I would just focus on how do I in this space of time make him feel a sense of intrigue about me as a person? And and that's about, you know, you having stories that convey qualities that that he might like. So if you have stories from your past that show a sweet side of you or a playful side of you or a strong side of you, you know, stories will always help you convey qualities in a short space of time. Because if we say if we spend six months together, we'll have our own moments where you've seen how I interact with different situations. And those might get you get you going. Those might make you feel like, God, this person is right for me. I saw the way he handled that. But in a short space of time, you're not seeing each other interact with different experiences. So you have to transport those experiences into the now by talking about things that have happened in the past. And those if you talk about the way you've reacted to things in the past or think, you know, even if you talked about it, do you have any brothers or sisters? Yeah, I have a twin brother. A twin brother. Are you close? Yeah. So, you know, even if you tell a story about a time with your twin brother where you looked out for him or, you know, where where you were there for him or where, you know, he did something really sweet for you because he, you know, he loves you so much. Those moments show either that you're, you know, you're either telling a story that shows that you're lovable. Right. Or you're telling a story that shows that you really nurtured someone else. There's someone you really care about, which shows you're a caring person. So telling stories from the past is a really great way to to almost cheat and give him an impression of you that would normally take months for him to get. Months. Exactly. Exactly. You know, that's I come up with this a lot, you know, where it's like half an hour or even a whole day. And it's like you can't you can't convey everything about yourself in such a short period of time. So having these few key stories. Yeah. Like don't be embarrassed to have those stories ready. You know, don't think that everyone everything always has to come spontaneously. Sometimes you can have those stories in your head already that you know that you tell really well. That's part of part of any great comedy act is a rehearsed script. Part of any great Broadway show is a rehearsed script. Don't don't think that a day is so different. Of course, there will be spontaneous moments because you're two human beings. But that doesn't mean that you can't have moments where you tell a story that you tell a lot because, you know, it goes down really well. Yeah, that's excellent. We have time for one quick question related to this to ask me. OK, so I wanted to ask you, I always struggle also with how do you what is one thing you can say to show someone that you're interested in them without scaring them off? You mean before you've ever spoken to them or you're saying someone you just see across the room? How do you how do you say something to them or someone that you've been set up on a date with? Kind of at the end of the end of the date, let's say you spend some time together. OK, so you've spent an hour or two together. You now want to show that you are interested in them. Yeah. OK, well, you can say you could be kind of coy about it and you can be like, well, I guess I agree with a few of the things my parents said, you know, like I, you know, I guess my parents do seem to have good taste, you know, have a little moment where it's almost like you're kind of almost reluctantly agreeing with your parents, you know, like, well, I have to, you know, I have to admit when my parents say that I'm going to like someone or when they when they try to choose something for me, I'm always I'm always reluctant, you know, and pick like a really bad TV show that your parents like, you know, like, I don't know, Everybody Loves Raymond or something. And you can be like, well, my parents, you know, my parents thought you'd be good. But then again, they love Everybody Loves Raymond. So how much can they be trusted? But in this particular case, they were kind of right. And then and then, you know, do whatever you want to do. Give him a kiss on the cheek or give him a kiss, whatever, and then walk away. And then, you know, leave leave him with that thought. So just be a little coy about it. And almost sometimes it helps to show that you're reluctantly slipping into liking someone. It's kind of cute that way. Yeah, yeah. I like that a lot. Very nice. Beautiful. Well, Neema, thank you so much for calling in. I feel like this has been such a, you know, it's been kind of a unique phone call. And I think the advice we've covered isn't just going to be relevant to you. I think it's going to be relevant to so many people out there because this even, you know, is is is relevant to people who just get set up on a blind date or matched by their friends, you know, and their friends think they'd be great for someone, but they don't know yet. So I think this your question is fantastic. And it's I'm sure it will have helped so many people out there. So thank you. I'm so glad for that. And thank you so much again. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to speak with you. So thank you. Thanks, Neema. Well, listen, have a wonderful day. Good luck with it and enjoy it and just relax and have fun. And I look forward to hearing about it. Call in and let us know how it goes. All right. I will. I will do that. All right. Thank you. All right. Thanks, Neema. Take care. Bye. If you want to ask a question here on Love Life, you can call in. It's 844-204-6288. That's 844-204-MATT with two T's. Call in. Ask us your question. I would love to answer it. And you and I can be speaking live on Love Life. Take care, guys. I'll see you soon.