The Danger Of Focusing On One Guy

We have our wonderful caller on the line, Annalisa. What was your question? What did you want to know today? So I've been seeing this guy for a while now, very casually. We see each other every couple of weeks or so for, I don't know, three months. And I've been getting hot and cold vibes that I don't really know how to address without seeing, like I'm chasing him because I tend to initiate when we hang out and when we hang out. We have a great time and it's a blast, but in between, I'm really the one initiating hanging out. Are you seeing anybody else? I am not. Have you been on any other dates? No, I have not. Do you think you should? I don't know. I haven't put entirely too much thought about it. It's not really intentional, but I just haven't gone specifically seeking other things. Because you like him? Yes. And when you like someone, you get tunnel vision about them. And the dangerous thing about tunnel vision is that you stop seeing anybody else, even when great people are around you, which they are, by the way. You stop seeing them. You stop giving other people a chance. You stop having random, spontaneous, flirtatious, risk-taking, courageous conversations with perfect strangers. Because why would you? You have a perfectly good guy you already like, who you're seeing. And that's the problem. Is that all of the things that actually would make you feel less desperate with this person, you won't be doing right now because you like this person. So that's where it becomes a vicious cycle. We stop paying attention to everyone else because we like someone. And when we stop paying attention to everybody else, that one person we like starts to seem like the only good human being on earth. Because we're not creating opportunities elsewhere. So now we get even more desperate for them because we just want the one human being left on earth to notice us and to want to be around us and to want to date us. And it becomes this very dangerous pattern. So my question to you is, this guy right now isn't giving you the signs of moving things forward. He's seeing you. He's having a great time with you. But he's not giving you the signs that he's moving it forward. So right now, wouldn't it make sense to say, okay, yeah, I like this guy. I'm not going to deny that. I'm not going to try and switch all of those feelings off. But what I am going to do is maybe level the playing field between this person and the rest of the world by going out there and meeting some people. Okay. Now, is that okay? That's great. Now I'm going to get off the phone and ignore everything you've just said. Or is that like a real okay? No, that'll make perfect sense. But does that mean you're going to do anything? Definitely. I am a type of person who is very, very social. But I think I have a little bit of a switch in my mind of when I'm open and out and social and when I'm not. As do we all. So I think just like you were saying, there was a little bit of a mentality of shutting that off and not seeing anyone but him. But I'm still very, very social. So I think I just need to open myself up a little bit to be more open to other opportunities. And who knows? Maybe it'll work out. Maybe it won't. Let me ask you this. Do you think that he knows right now that you are pretty much available for him and only him? Yeah, probably. Right. So how do you think that affects his psychology when he realizes that he can see you whenever he wants to see you? That you're so into him that you won't go anywhere. And that whenever he gives you a little bit of hope, it's going to be enough juice to get you through the next week or two while he ignores you. Right. He knows that. Guys know. Okay. I'll tell you that now. Guys know. They know. They know when a woman really likes them. Because guys, we are given too much of this picture of women being the crafty ones and men being the idiots. And the truth is, guys can be just as crafty as women. Right. Guys can be the ones who they go, ah, this woman likes me. And I know that every time I give her a bit of hope, she sticks around and she certainly doesn't go elsewhere to find anybody else. So all I need to do is give her enough hope every so often that she sticks around. That's all. I don't need to give it to her every day. Men are good at feeling out how often they need to give it to each woman. So they'll be like, oh, this woman, if I give her hope just once a week, she sticks around. Other women, it's like, oh, if I give her hope once a month, she sticks around. And they'll give just enough, just enough to keep that person hanging on, to keep that person from going elsewhere, to give that person enough of an inkling that maybe something is going to happen, that they shouldn't go elsewhere. And the moment he starts realizing that you're living your life and that there are other people out there for you and that you're out there having a great time meeting them, he will realize that he's met an equal, not someone who is just going to follow him around. And that's the key. I'm not saying to you that this guy is wrong for you. And I'm not saying he's a bad guy either. He's just being, he's just doing what a human being does in this situation when they're not making their mind up. But what you have to do to respect yourself is say, much as I might still see this guy on occasion or when it makes sense to, I am also going to really generate opportunities elsewhere. And trust me when I say the best way to get him feeling like he's going to have to start chasing you more, he's going to have to start actually pinning you down, is to show him that there are other things going on in your life that are taking up your attention and space in your mind. When he sees that, then he'll start seeing you as more of a challenge. Right now, he's not seeing you as a challenge because he's seeing you as the person he can just keep stringing along until his heart's content. Does that make sense? Definitely. You don't have to switch off all of your feelings. You can still feel those and feel, you know, he can be wonderful and you can still look forward to seeing him. But go out there and even the playing field, meet lots of other people, have fun, generate activity in the other areas of your life. And if he ends up saying to you, I really want more of you, then you can respond to him at that point. Sounds great. I really love the way you just put that. Thank you. I thank you. I think you, I think you're going to do fine. Trust me, we've all liked someone before in this way where we don't want somebody else. But I promise you there are other people out there. And if he turns out to be the right one, then you'll know at that point. Right now, he's not showing you he's the right one. Right. Thank you so much. No, thank you. I appreciate you calling in and call us back sometime and let us know how you're getting on. Okay. I sure will. Thanks, Annalisa.