If You Are Dealing With HEARTBREAK, Watch This! | Mel Robbins

Breakups are painful, but they don't have to leave you broken. If you don't get the message and the mess of this breakup, you're not only going to mourn this person for much longer than you should, you are also going to pick somebody where you continue to repeat this pattern. If you know the relationship is not good for you, end it. That's it. End the relationship. Because if it's meant to be, ending the relationship will cause such a shock system to the toxic and broken dynamic between you two that ending it creates an opportunity for a new beginning. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be pain-free. It's going to be painful. But I'll tell you what, you're going to get through it. This is an acute moment of time where you feel like the waves are crashing at you. Guess what? With time, the waters are going to settle. This is about the anxiety and worry that comes after a breakup. The question specifically is, how do you move on from someone who meant the world from you? For those of you who are going through a breakup or who are still affected by a recent breakup, my business partner, Mandy, has the single best warning and piece of advice that you must know if you're going through a breakup. That is number one, you don't get over somebody else by getting under someone else. That means too many of us that are going through a painful breakup, this was my MO forever. I'm not proud of this, but my MO forever when I was going through a breakup or one was coming is to find somebody new, to jump from one thing that's broken into something new, which is the world's best distraction from having to deal with your own stuff. This is the number one thing about how you actually move on from someone that meant the world to you. You will not move on until you see the message for yourself in the mess of the breakup. You see, in every relationship, there are two people involved. It takes two to tango, and it takes two different types of people to make something work or to explode something. Before you move on to someone else, before you can actually complete this relationship and move on with your life and stop thinking about them incessantly, I want you to take a moment and really dig deep and ask yourself, what is it that you learned about yourself from this relationship? What did you learn about the kind of people you're picking that don't work for you? What are the signals that your own body and your intuition were telling you months ago about why this wasn't working that you ignored? That's one of the most important lessons that anybody can get out of a breakup. And you know what that lesson is? You knew it wasn't working a long time ago and you chose not to listen to it. And so the message in the mess might just be that next time you're in a relationship, if you want it to go the distance, the most important thing that you need to do is when that intuition kicks in and you start to feel like this isn't the right situation, that you listen to it and you either try to fix what's going wrong then, or you get out of it as soon as it starts to feel like this isn't going to work. Because I'm going to tell you something, if you don't get the message in the mess of this breakup, you're not only going to mourn this person for much longer than you should, you are also going to pick somebody where you continue to repeat this pattern. So again, take a look in the mirror. What can you own about the breakup? And what are you committing to yourself that you're going to change about yourself so that you don't repeat the patterns? Here's the other thing. And this comes from Ariana Grande, her huge hit song, Thank You, Next. One of the coolest ways to actually get over somebody else, because we tend to complain about them, we tend to long for them, is to literally pick something about them that you can acknowledge and thank them for. Maybe this is the relationship where you finally were taught to listen to your intuition. Thank you, next. Mel, I need to end a relationship that I know is not good for me. Okay. If you can write that sentence, why are you asking for advice? Breakups are painful. There's no way around it. If you know the relationship is not good for you, end it. The problem is, I love this person with all my heart. And I know that he deeply loves me. But he will never be what I want for my life. I know I continue to see him because I love him. And I don't want to be alone. But I can't walk away. Help. Breaking up with somebody that you care about is one of the hardest things in the world to do. But you have to do it. If you really love this person with all your heart, you would end this. And here's how I can prove it to you. Would you want somebody to do this to you? If somebody told you that they loved you, but they knew that they didn't want to be with you long term, but they led you on and they stayed with you, wasted years of your life, and then broke up with you, is that love? No. That's manipulation. That's using someone. That is a terrible thing to do. If you truly love this person, you will tell them the truth. You see, you're not staying in this relationship for them. You're staying in it for yourself. Because you're too scared to disappoint somebody. You're too scared to be alone. That isn't fair. So what you have to do if you really love this person is you got to tell them the truth. I love you, but we do not have a future together. And for your sake and my sake, I need to end this today. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be pain-free. It's going to be painful. But I'll tell you what, a week from now, two weeks from now, three weeks from now, you're going to feel a million times better. And what's going to hurt you for about a week is going to help you for years. So just do the right thing and end it. There's only one thing you can do when you know that a relationship is over, but you still feel yourself wanting to save it. The one thing you can do in that situation is walk out the door. That's it. End the relationship. Because if it's meant to be, ending the relationship will cause such a shock system to the toxic and broken dynamic between you two that ending it creates an opportunity for a new beginning. And if ending it doesn't cause that, then ending it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do for you. Instead of saving the relationship that you have with him or with her, I want you to focus on saving and building the relationship with the most important person in your life. And that's you. Breakups are painful, but they don't have to leave you broken. And there are three steps to getting through and over a breakup. Validate, separate, and celebrate. And I'm going to break these apart one step at a time. Number one, validate. That's the stage that you're in right now. So when a breakup is really fresh, it is extraordinarily painful. And the reason why is because endings are very, very hard for all of us, particularly when you're ending something that's important to you, which clearly this relationship was important to you. So when I say the first step is to validate, I mean, you got to validate the feelings that you have. It's real. And so you got to understand that you're going to need time to process the breakup. You're going to be sad and disoriented for a while. You're not going to feel like getting out of bed. So the best advice that I have for when you need to validate where you're at is I'd like you to put Sam Smith on repeat and listen to sad songs. You might want to binge watch something like Grey's Anatomy because what ends up happening when you validate and saturate those feelings of being sad and depressed and rejected and lonely is that the more sad songs you listen to, the more you start to feel suffocated by it. You can't stand it. You'll process it and you'll want to move on into the next step. That's step two. Step two is separate. So you have to delete all of their accounts, delete them on social media, delete the text, delete the email, block them. You must do this for real, for real, for real. I don't want you tempted to look. I don't want you to even think that they might be texting you, which is why you need to block. The second thing that I want you to do in order to separate is I want you to make a list of all of the things that you haven't done in the last seven years because you've been in this relationship. Make a list of all the things that you didn't do because quote your whole life was weaved into his and that's a huge mistake that so many of us make. We basically get into a relationship and instead of it being two individuals, one of you morphs into the other person. You may have even forgotten who you are and that's part of the reason why you're feeling so disoriented right now. The other thing about separating is you're going to be tempted to miss the person. You're going to be tempted to want to reach out to the person. I need you to have a plan B. So make a list of all the friends or family members that you have in your back pocket and whenever you're tempted to look at that person's social media account or text your ex, I want you to text one of your friends. The final thing is celebrate. You're not ready to do that yet because you're in the stage where you need to validate your feelings. You're not ready to celebrate yet because you have not actually separated from the relationship yet. Of all the things that you didn't do or couldn't do because you were in a relationship and you're ready to move on, now it's about getting into a mindset of celebrating. And by celebrating, what are we celebrating? Well, you're celebrating the fact that you have the opportunity to actually rediscover yourself. You have the opportunity to figure out what you like. You have the opportunity to meet new people. You have the opportunity to do things that you haven't done in the last seven years. And so the number one assignment when it comes to celebrating is every single day you got to do something for yourself. It can be something as small as buying flowers or pouring yourself a glass of wine. Don't worry about the airplane going by. We're talking about celebrating you. It could be getting and treating yourself to that spin studio class. Whatever it may be, every day do something that celebrates you. And finally, just because you're in the celebration stage, I don't want you focused on replacing the person or sleeping around to validate yourself. Because getting over someone doesn't mean you're supposed to get under everyone else. You know what I mean? So focus on celebrating you as the individual. And the final thing that I want to say is that, yeah, breakups are hard. They're supposed to be hard. You're going to get through it. This is an acute moment of time where you feel like the waves are crashing at you. Guess what? With time, the waters are going to settle. And the other thing that's cool is that this is actually going to be an incredible addition to your life. It's an addition by subtracting somebody that wasn't working for you. So I hope that that helps. You're going to validate. Then you're going to separate. Then you're going to focus on celebrating.