Black People Are Scared Of Black People Too. Rod Paulette - Full Special

I'm like an ice skater. An ice skater or someone who thinks he's a princess. I don't like that either. Wait, I don't like that at all. How you guys doing? I'm glad to be here. Provo, Utah. When the guy called me, he was like, hey, I got a thing in Provo. And I was like, where is that? He said, that's in Utah. And I said, okay. Are they paying me? Because I'm not in the service, and that's the only way black dudes end up in this state. There is just no way anybody black goes, Provo, that's where I'm going, that's the spot. That's where the brothers are, that's where it's going to kick off. There's nothing that I do that anyone here who's slightly I don't know, a serious believer would like. So I'm going to start with all of that stuff right now. I'm trying to quit smoking, I am, I am. Anybody smoke? Yeah, a few of you. I'm not weed, because that's young people wooing. I mean, I smoke cigarettes, I smoke the real killer. You smoke the fun time, I smoke the real. I, for fun, smoke death, that's what I enjoy. I'm trying to quit, because yesterday I coughed up a sock. And I don't think that's right, that's weird, right? It was a tube sock, but I don't think that's that means you should quit, right? If you find yourself hacking and a sock pops out from like 1972 with the weird color at the top of it like a basketball player's sock from 19 I can't though, because Marlboro sends me stuff. That's what I smoke, I smoke Marlboro, and Marlboro sends you stuff. They have whole brochures of stuff that they will send you. Sailboats, kayaks, okay, seriously? Last year they sent me a frisbee. Right, like you see a smoker somewhere playing frisbee, taxing his lungs. You see a smoker with a frisbee, he's using it as an ashtray. Throw it back, man. Uh-uh, I got an ash still. I'm trying to quit smoking. I've given up drinking, I'm just done. It's not fun anymore. I'm old. Over 50, you can't get drunk. The part about drinking is the fun was getting drunk, but you can't when you're 50. Nobody respects a drunk 50-year-old. No one. People respect the drunk. People are concerned about a drunk 20-year-old. A drunk 20-year-old girl, people will stop. People will pull cars over her. Is she alright? She had too much to drink. Does she need a ride? Did somebody get her some water? Will you hold her hair? People are concerned. No one is concerned about a drunk 50-year-old guy sitting on the curb in his wingtips and his suit from work crying. What is wrong with that guy? He got fired. Is he drunk? Yeah, he's drunk. How'd that happen? If I have two or three, I get sleepy first. How did he get all the way past sleepy to drunk? That's what happens when you get old. You get sleepy. You can't... That's why older people have parties at their house. That's the reason. I don't know if you knew that or not. That's why we do it. We invite you to our house because we have other people living there that can't get into a bar, and so we make our backyard like one, and then you can come and get drunk here, and we can sneak off at 4.30 and take a nap. Just call the Irish goodbye. One minute you're talking to him, the next minute he's gone. I used to like drinking. When I drank tequila, I was a tequila person. Anybody here drink tequila? I'm just curious. I think they're saying it's fair. You probably don't, but I appreciate that you do. This is Mormon country, right? They do not drink tequila here. I'm just saying I liked tequila. I did. It was great, man. Tequila was that... Tequila's a shot of optimism. It's the shot you order when you think you're going to have a good time. You're with a bunch of your friends, and you think a good time's about to happen. Somebody goes, let's do shots. Somebody else goes, let's do tequila. Everybody goes, whew! That's the international sign for tequila. You yell at bartenders, bartender, bring us five shots of tequila. The bartender comes over. He's excited for you. What's going on? Birthday? Anniversary? You guys are having a good time. Tequila, optimism, good times. On the flip side, there's whiskey. Any whiskey people? Yeah, whiskey. Whole different vibe. You go to a bar, you order whiskey. Bartender comes over nervous. Hey, man, there's no fighting in here. You know that, right? Brad, turn down the country music. This guy's pissed about something. This is not the time for Randy Travis. It's not. That's the deal, right? Tequila's for the good times. Whiskey's for the bad times. That's the way it's always been. That's the cliche. That's the way it works in terms of alcohol. And it's weird because I've never had a good time on tequila. It always starts out as a good time and then something terrible, terrible happens. Every bad drinking story I've ever had, tequila is the star, right? The night I got a DUI, tequila, ha, ha, ha. Bar fight in the black eye. Thank you, Jose Cuervo. So it's nice to be here at Provo. I'm originally from Ohio, so it's nice to be here. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. I'm going to need a ride home. I like Ohio. We're good people. We have a good chance you used to drop in and see us. We're nice folk. I was in California a few months ago. I like California, I just don't like Californians, I don't think. I don't know what it is about. They're arrogant, you know what I mean? Because they live in paradise, they think they're special. I was at a party, I was talking to a lady, white lady, she found out I was from Ohio, and she freaked out. She's like, you're from Ohio, right? Ohio? So did you grow up on a farm or something? I'm like, man, when's the last time you saw a black dude on a farm? Without the chain on his foot keeping him there. You ever see a black guy on a farm, you sneak up on him, tap him on the shoulder, let him know he's free, he can go if he wants to. You mean I can leave? Yes, Toby, Lincoln done freed us. I got to see my friend Richard. He's having trouble with his family because he's in a mixed marriage. He's a white guy and she's Asian. She's nice. And he's like, man, you don't know what it's like, man, it's really hard, my parents don't like her and her parents don't like me. And I'm like, dude, I live in German Village. You don't know what that is. Okay, here it goes. In Columbus, Ohio, I live in a neighborhood called German Village. If you're ever in Columbus, come and visit. It's a Victorian village with cobblestone streets and old Victorian houses and it's 100% gay. And I'm the only black dude. So when I go outside, there's a little excitement. He's outside again. He is so brown. Who likes mocha? I do, I do. I like my gay neighbors. I'm not making fun of them. They say weird things to me. My gay neighbor says to me the other day, he goes, Rod, I don't know if you know this or not, but there is still a lot of prejudice out there in America. And I'm like, if I know. Dude, I'm on the first team. Me and Tonto were well aware of what happened in this country. I've been black a long time. I didn't have to come out, buddy. That'd have been weird, right? Sitting on the edge of my bed all upset going, I like ribs and rap music. I might be a black guy. I'm not sure. I can't tell. Everybody likes the most deaf, but still. My gay neighbors are cool. They really are. They got me to march in a gay pride parade with them. I know you probably don't have one of those here. Do you have one of those here? You should march in it. I'm all for it. Here's the reason why. If you're gay, you should be proud. It's what you are. But the main reason I marched was because black dudes, we don't have a parade. That's weird to me because everybody's got a parade but us, right? The Italians have a parade. The Irish have a parade. The Puerto Ricans have a parade. And the gays have a parade. There's no black parade. So a little tip to you white people. You see some brothers in your streets. That's probably a riot. Go back in the house. We didn't get the parade. We got the month. Black History Month. I'm not a big fan. Never liked it. Here's the truth. Everybody's got a month. I don't know if you know that or not. In America, everybody's got a month. If you check the calendar, everybody's got a month. There's an Asian month. There's a Hispanic month. There's LGBTXYQ month. Everybody's got a month. Just Black History Month is the one that's gotten all the fame. And like I said, never liked it. Mainly because I went to a predominantly white school growing up, and I was the only black kid in my class. I don't know why you bother having Black History Month when there's only one black kid in the class. Hey, Rod, we're going to take 28 days and just point out how different you are than everyone else in this room. That won't work on your psyche, will it? A little bit. I'm serious. My teacher would do that. Okay, tomorrow, Rod's going to bring in something else from Africa because it's Black History Month. Isn't that right, Rod? No, no. I can bring you something from Cleveland. I have never been to Africa. I don't know how I got in this prep school. I'm not that smart. I can't find Africa on a map. I went to a school that had 437 kids in it, 11 black kids. I'm the only black kid in my class. And here's the thing with kids, man. They tease you just because you're different. It's not racial. They're just teasing me because I'm different. I remember one time we took a school field trip to New York City, and my classmates kept asking me, Hey, Rod, Rod, Rod, take us up to Harlem. Show us around. You'll protect us, won't you? No, that's not going to happen. I'm nine years old. I'm not protecting anybody. I came on the same bus from Ohio You idiot, Sid. I don't know anything about it. Here's a little tip, because apparently white people, you don't know this, but black people, we're scared of black people, too. And if you're black and you don't laugh, you're lying to yourself. You know what I'm talking about. Everybody black has had that moment where you walk in somewhere, there's a whole bunch of black people you don't know. You go, Whoa, what is going on here? Get your purse, baby. We're not staying. That's how bad this country really is in terms of how we treat each other. How bad the stereotypes are. I'm afraid of my own people. I'm going to tell you a true story. I went to the airport three years ago to go to Tampa, Florida. When I got to my gate, it was all black people. All black people. There were 122 black people getting on the plane. And I'm like, What is going on here? I was concerned. I'm like, What am I flying? Soul plane? What is happening? Is Kevin Hart the pilot? What is happening? I got so nervous, I called the flight attendants. Come here, come here. Who are all of these people? I called my own people, these people. And then she got cute. I thought they came with you, sir. No, no, that didn't happen. I didn't bring 100 and some black people to the airport in my Ford Focus. What are you, ridiculous? That's the reality, ladies and gentlemen, in terms of all the stuff that you hear in the world about race, the reality is we're exactly alike. Black people are scared of black people in large numbers when we're not expecting it, just like you are. When you go someplace, we're not here in Utah. But if you got on a plane and you went to Las Vegas or some major city like Chicago or St. Louis, you would see a whole lot of black people and you would be scared, because I've seen you. I've seen white people when you get in a room and it's all people that are not you. You get that weird hi thing that you do. Hi, hi, hi. So that little wave, like, hi, hello, hi. I'm the exact same way. I get somewhere and there's a whole lot of black people. I don't know. I'm nervous, too. That's why I live where I live with all the white gay guys. Because I used to live in an all-black neighborhood. I did, and I was nervous all the time. And, you know, wow. You guys don't know anything about it. I'm serious. It's nerve-wracking. It really is, because I was just scared all the time. Because you live in an all-black neighborhood, you could get robbed. Seriously. I'm not saying anything bad about my people. I'm just saying. A guy could pull up in the moving van and take all your stuff right out the front door and your black neighbors will just look out the window going, ooh, he's getting robbed. Baby, they got his big screen. They got his big screen. They're taking it. Should I call the police? You better mind your own business. That's why I like having white neighbors. I really do, because white people, you make a neighborhood safe. You do, because you're nosy. You ask questions. You ask a lot of questions. Let a strange black guy pull into my driveway. My gay neighbors will come outside. Hello. Hi. Hi. I'm Steve. This is my boyfriend, Brian. Who are you exactly? Then I get home, right? I get the lowdown. Your friend Tyrone came by. He just bought a new car. He seems nice. My guys take their neighborhood seriously, man. They do. Here's the real thing. A white guy hears the noise outside. He gets up at 3 in the morning to go pee. He hears the noise outside. He looks out the window. There's a guy out there messing with cars. He takes interest in that. What's going on out here? Honey, there's a guy out here messing with cars. What time is it? 3? Wake up. There's a guy out here messing with cars. Wake up. What is he doing? What is that man doing? I'm going out there. I'm going out there. And you do. You go right out there. Nothing on but boxer shorts, black socks, sandals. You start yelling at the guy. Hey, buddy. Hey. Hey, buddy. Hey. Hey, what are you doing? Yeah, you with the pistol and the ski mask on. What are you doing? Your black neighbors are looking out the window going, he's about to get shot, baby. He's about to get shot. That's not even his car. Why is he interested like that? That man keeps his neighborhood safe because I wouldn't go out there. I'm not going out there at all. It's not even my car. I don't care. This is nice, man. I appreciate you all being here. I really do. Also, it's nice to look in the audience and see a mixture of ages because I'm an older guy now. I just turned 56. Yeah, it's nice. Where are the people that are in their 50s? Are there people in their 50s tonight? Thank you. Thank you for coming out. And where are the 30s, 40s, 30s, 40s people? Where are you at? And then, of course, where are my 20s, 30s? Don't really care about you that much. You go out all the time. Young people, that's what you do. You go out. You're not at home just sitting there knitting. You go out all the time. These older people, they don't go. They didn't even want to come out tonight. They got wives. They got girlfriends. They made them. You came in after cutting the grass. Get your good shoes. My good shoes for what? You're going out tonight. I don't want to go anywhere. That is your problem. You never want to go anywhere. That's how people get old really fast. And I'm not going to get old. I'm still young. I'm still vibrant. I'll go wherever you want me to go as long as you stop talking to me about what's wrong with me. Isn't that fun, guys? When you go into a place you don't want to go and she's all excited because you're taking her there. She's just talking in the car. You're holding the steering wheel real tight going, man, if I had a shovel and a bag of lime right now. Is that too much? Is it too much? Is that too far? Because the reason why I think of that is because when I first thought of that, the truth of the matter was, I was like, they're always finding dead bodies in shallow graves. Murder is 25 to life. Dig the extra three feet. Don't kill her, get out to the woods and then get tired all of a sudden. I'm just going to push her under a tree over here and just got to stay committed, buddy. Young people, I like it. I mean, I have young friends. I'm a comedian. I'm in the entertainment business. I have a lot of younger friends. I like hanging out with you sometimes, but you don't do it right. I'm 56. Sometimes my friends will call me, hey, Rod, we're all going out Thursday night. You want to go with us? Yeah, Thursday, you're going out? All right, I'll go. What time? 11? Oh, God, I can't go out at 11 o'clock. 11? It's going to be dark and stuff at 11. You're talking about it might rain. I wear glasses. I can't be out at 11 o'clock at night? Oh, no, no, no, no. My young people who want to be my friend, if you want to ask me out on a Thursday at 11 o'clock, you got to call me at like 2 o'clock and tell me to get a nap because we're going out at 11 o'clock. And if you're my age, you know what I mean. That's a real nap. You go upstairs, you take your clothes off, you put pajamas on, you get in the bed, and you set the alarm. If you don't set the alarm, people are going to call at 12.30. Where are you? Where are you? I tried to make it. I swear I did. I did. But there was an NCIS marathon playing. I like Mark Harmon. Young people, no interest in you being out. People my age, oh, yeah. Married people especially, you know, you're out because you want to make her happy. Right? That's what wives do. Girlfriends, wives. I want to be happy. Well, I'm not happy. Well, I don't care if you're not happy. Your happiness is not my problem. You should read that book. I can make my own happiness. You need to read that. But right now I need you to make me happy and take me somewhere. And so you go, right? Sometimes you actually get excited about going, right, as a guy. Start talking smack about, this is going to be a big romance night, date night, date night, date night, date night. You and I are going to go out and see a show, have some drinks, maybe have some dinner, and get home, pa-pow. Young guys, that's the move an older guy makes to his wife or girlfriend, it's going to be romance tonight, pa-pow. And we have every intention of pa-powing you. We really do. It's just get home at 11, you're like, man, I should not have had the steak. That was the wrong, that was the mistake I made right there. Sweetie, I'm going to pa-pow you, but you're going to have to start without me for a while. And then call me when the good part gets there. Most of you with wives know this story, like wives, long-term girlfriends, they drag you out, right, and you're like, well, it's going to be fun, and it's never really fun for you, it's fun for her, because she has a new pair of shoes or a new shirt, she wants other people to see it, and so she wants to go out. A bunch of us are going out, we've all talked to our husbands into dragging us, and you're going to go. Because men don't really have fun past 35. Fun ended at 35. What are you, how old are you, kid, with the white T-shirt? Yeah, enjoy all the fun you can have right now. See, when you're 25, the two of you go out, you both have fun. You're up late, you eat pizza, it's great. You're 35, 40, 50, you go out, because she makes you, and she's the one that has fun. You stand there holding a purse and paying for things and pointing at the watch, because you got kids. You're lucky if you have the kind that when you go, hey, honey, it's 11, we've got to go, you've got to sit her. You're lucky if you've got that kind. And she goes, I've got to go, I had so much fun, we've got to do this again, it's fun. That's the lucky guy, right? We've all seen the unlucky guy. Hey, honey, it's 11 o'clock, we've got to go, let's sit her. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to have another drink. We've got to go. I'm going to have another drink, I'm not a stick in the mud, you are a stick in the mud, I'm having another drink, I'm having fun, try having fun. He looks around, she's having fun, so I'm just going to stand over here and let her have fun, because, you know, happy wife, happy life. Hour later, he's like, honey, we've got to go. She's like, I'm not going anywhere, you're just a stick. And finally he has to do that weird thing where he puts his arm around her like a hook at a talent show and drag her off stage and all the way off. She's like, why are you mad? You know I'm going to get dirty with you in the car. And all the young guy goes, that old guy's going to get dirty with his woman in the car. And all the old guys go, no he ain't. She's talking smack. That's what women when they're older do, they talk smack. It's going to be crazy, I'm going to do some crazy, you're not going to do anything crazy, you're going to pass out, that's what's going to happen. Probably get your head stuck between the steering wheel and my knees, and then I can't wake you up, because you ever woken up a 50-year-old woman from a, that's a bad, that's like poking a bear right there. And you got to lean her over, lean her over to her side. Women, you're cute when you're younger and you passed out, you really are. You're cute, you're adorable. When you're older, you just, it's a wreck. Just a giant woman in my passenger seat with her head pressed against the glass and her mouth open. And you say, yeah I'm so glad we came out. This is fun right here. This was my dream. Alright folks, I got to go. You guys are a great crowd. Thank you.