I've Been Single All My Life, College Senior Dating A Freshman: Answering Your Questions

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my channel. If you're new here, I'm Courtney Ryan and today we're going to be talking about your real life stories, situations, things you need my advice on. So basically if you don't follow me on Instagram, what I did was post an entry form where you guys can fill it out and submit something to me anonymously and I'll read it in a future video. So today what I've done is chosen a couple of those that have already been submitted. If you would like to participate in future videos, be sure to follow me there and fill out the entry form for your chance to be featured in a future video. But I chose a couple today that I think will resonate with a lot of you and hopefully help a lot of you out. So let's get started. Alright, so the first submission we have is from Jeff. Jeff says, A girl I like has ghosted me twice. She always says she wants to hang out with me and she will make it up to me for flaking on me, but when I ask her how is she going to make it up or when can she hang, she doesn't give an exact answer. I told her to be honest on if she doesn't want to hang out, but she said she does want to hang out one on one. Why is she being like this? Should I believe her? Why couldn't she just say she is not interested when I ask her? Number one here, I want to start by saying that this is incredibly immature behavior. If you are dealing with someone who is flaking on you, ghosting you, doing these type of behaviors to you, please know that it is incredibly immature and you can be the one to decide if you want to put up with that or not. But you're allowing this to continue and if you allow it to continue, it will continue. What you're doing is allowing her to make you an option. And again, what you allow is what will continue, so I can guarantee you that this will just continue to happen if you allow it. I actually just did a whole video about what to do when someone flakes on you and to give you a little synopsis here, basically I think the first time you give a little grace, it's okay, things happen, things come up, life does not always go to plan, right? And I think it's important that we have grace with people and we keep that in mind. However, the fact that she's flaked on you twice shows me that she doesn't want to hang out with you. Because if she did, she would. And I think actions say a lot more than words do in situations like this. I mean, that's honestly the case most of the time, but specifically for a situation like this, I do think actions speak so much louder than words. So again, keeping in mind, if she wanted to hang out with you, she would. When a girl wants to hang out with a guy, she will move anything, she will do anything to make it happen. And the fact that she's not willing to do that to you just shows me that she's making you an option and you're allowing her to do that. She's clearly not taking you seriously, so how can you ever, you know, think about forming a serious relationship with her if she doesn't even take you seriously? So again, I only know a little bit of your situation, but that's just what I'm getting initially from it. Maybe I would need a little bit more context, but pretty generally here I can say if a girl flakes on you more than once, I think you should just chalk it up as a loss, move on. Because you're clearly wasting your time. Again, if she wanted to hang out with you, she would. Alright, the next one here is from Ronald. He says, Hi Courtney, big fan of your YouTube channel. Thank you Ronald. My question is regarding texting slash communicating with a girl after you get her number. I took an extended break from dating to focus on my dancing school and my career and I finally feel I'm at the point where I'm ready to date again. I have no problems putting myself out there, talking to women and asking for their numbers, but I have no idea what to do after I get their number. I usually send them a follow up text saying it was great meeting them and look forward to seeing them in the near future. Alright, so the first thing I'm getting from this is not to overthink what you're doing. You're clearly a go-getter. You're a guy that has no problem getting her number or talking to a woman, so you shouldn't be overthinking what happens after you get her number because for most guys, getting her number is the hardest part, which you're doing seamlessly. You're having no problem doing, so don't overthink it. If you're getting to a point where you feel like you have to overthink something, chances are you probably feel like you need to pretend to be something that you're not. Maybe you should wait a certain amount of time to text her, maybe you should say this or not that, and you're really just creating this unnecessary stress and pressure on yourself by not being authentic and by not just saying what you would say to anybody else. You already got her number, like I said before. You don't need to overthink what you're going to say next, just ask her to hang out. When you get into the overthinking and the pretending to be someone you're not, you're kind of falling into these mind games of modern dating, like pretending to be busy so that you don't seem desperate or clingy, but really you want to approach this just with maturity. Again, you already got her number, so you want to reach out to her, that's a great place to start, but do it with intention. Have some action behind your words there instead of just letting it float around and be whatever and oh, we can hang in the near future. Make it instead, are you free for coffee on Friday? Something very intentional and direct that's going to automatically set a plan and get the ball rolling. It might seem a little bit silly, but you kind of want to approach this in a sales perspective. In sales, you have something called a CTA, which is call to action, and you kind of want to approach dating and setting meetings and dates with people with this same mindset. Get the meeting, set the date, get the date on the calendar. You really want to be so intentional with your next move so that, again, you get the ball rolling and you get things moving so that then the ball is in her court and you've already done everything you can do to get it started. Again, I can tell by the submission that you wrote that you're someone who goes for it and you're clearly having no problem doing that, so your follow-up should be intentional and have the same kind of confidence and power behind it that you're using to approach her and get her number in the first place. Keep that in mind. Again, biggest thing here, I think, is don't overthink it because I can tell that's what you're doing. The second you stop doing that, you'll be successful. All right. The next submission is from Kerry. He says, I have been single all of my life. Any tips on how to own it and portray it in a positive way? I feel like on dates that the girls can sense that I am inexperienced in relationships and therefore perceive me as a lower value guy compared to other men or just a player with commitment issues because I haven't been in anything long term. First thing I'm seeing here just from this response is that you are insecure about the fact that you don't have experience or you feel like you don't have experience, right? You are wearing this outwardly when you're interacting with people. It's interesting to think about it this way, but stay with me here. So basically what you're doing is creating a story about how people view you or what they think about you. You don't actually know that these people think you're inexperienced or think you're insecure or whatever it is. You're creating that in your head and it's making you probably come across that way. So in a sense, you're kind of in control of the way that you're perceived by other people, by the way that you view yourself and the way that you view this part of you. A good way to put this is you are your own worst enemy and by highlighting your insecurities, clearly you're insecure about this if you're writing about it, it's bothering you. By bringing this up and making it such a big deal, it's going to kind of portray itself that way outwardly to other people as well. So don't be so hard on yourself. This really is not that big of a deal. There are plenty of people who have never had a long term relationship or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whatever it might be. There's a ton of people that have never experienced certain things, but that's how you grow and you gain experience by putting yourself out there. You really want to start to appreciate where you're at and not sell yourself short because everyone has to start somewhere and at some point, everyone you've talked to has been inexperienced with something. So it doesn't define you, it doesn't need to define you, and it doesn't need to be something that you bring up in the beginning of a conversation or getting to know someone. If it comes up naturally, I think that's okay, but you don't need to start the conversation by saying, hey, just so you know, red flag, forewarning, I've never had a girlfriend before. It's really not that big of a deal. I don't think you need to be so direct about it in the very beginning. So again, there's nothing wrong with this at all, but you don't need to make it a leading point and there really is nothing for you to, how do I own this? How do I portray it in a positive way? It all starts with your mindset. There's no sort of spin you need to take on it. There's no way to word it or say it to make it a positive thing. It just is a thing. You don't need to make it define who you are because it doesn't. So again, this is about you. It's not about anybody you're interacting with. It's not about how people are perceiving you or what you can do to spin it. It's really about, you know, just being confident and knowing that just because you don't have experience with dating doesn't mean you couldn't be a great boyfriend or a great partner. If you believe in yourself and you're confident in yourself, you're going to naturally attract people that think that about you too. And then you mentioned, you know, or they just see me as a player with commitment issues because I haven't been in anything long term. Are you a player with commitment issues? Is that a thing that's happening? I think it's important to be honest with yourself there too. If you're someone who's just hooking up with a bunch of people, having short term flings all the time and you are a player with commitment issues, again, that's a you thing that you have to work on and fix in yourself before anyone else can, you know, even get to know the real you. So again, keep that in mind. This is a you thing and you have yourself to win over here. All right, my last submission here is from Johnny. Johnny says, As someone who's been in a long distance relationship, I feel like I have a lot to say about this one. Some things I want you to consider right off the top here is lifestyle and distance. Those two things here are going to make or break this situation. And I think going into it, it's important to know that right off the bat. First things first here, freshman to senior year of college, I cannot even stress to you how much you will change as a person, how much this, this girl will change. From freshman to senior year, you learn so much, you go through so many different situations, experiences. It's impossible to kind of be the same you were freshman year as you know, you are leaving college senior year. So I'm not trying to make this a bad thing because I think it's a really amazing thing. But from freshman to senior year of college, the change that happens in you is exponential. I mean, it really is just drastic. Even looking at myself freshman to senior year and all my friends that I had throughout college and how much we all change as people, you grow, you evolve. That's part of life. If someone says to you, you've changed, well, that's a good thing. I think it's a good thing to change. But with that being said, you're kind of at the end of your change. Like you're the butterfly. She's still in the cocoon. You know what I mean? Like she has a lot of change and experience to go through. So I think it's important to from an outside perspective to understand that there's a lot of things, you know, lined up that are going to happen that might impact your relationship. So if I'm being totally honest with you here, just looking at the way you wrote this question, looking at all the context you provided from an outside source, the odds are kind of stacked against you here. But I think it's important for you to trust your gut and to kind of know yourself enough to know if this is something that you're going to be okay with, something she's going to be okay with, and that you guys are both going to be on the same page about. When you think about it like this, 20% of her life experience is in the age gap between the two of you. Freshman to senior year, that's 20% of her life experience. So when you think about it that way, it does make it a little bit more logical and drastic. And I think it is important to approach this from a logical perspective. I know sometimes when, you know, your feelings are involved, your heart's involved, you really like this girl, you want things to work out. Sometimes we don't think about things from a logical point of view. And I think that's where a lot of people go wrong. So trust your gut, make sure you're looking at this logically, and again, making sure you're both on the same page. When you add long distance into a relationship, it really does make the small things into big things. And I think it's very important to have clear expectations, communication, and be on the same page. Because if you're not, it will never work out. But really, again, the most important thing here is just trusting your gut, doing what is best for you, the girl doing what is best for her, and making sure you guys are both on the same page. And again, thinking about this very logically. Because I know sometimes when you're in these situations, it can be a little bit difficult to do that. But I can tell just from the way that you wrote this that there's something, you're feeling uneasy about. So don't neglect that. Alright guys, that is all I have for this video. If you liked this video or found it helpful, be sure to give it a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel to be in the loop for when I release new content. Again, if you want to participate in a future video like this, be sure to follow me on Instagram and fill out the entry form for your chance to be featured. As always, thank you all so much for watching and I will see you all next time.