How to Reconnect with Your Spouse (even when you feel disconnected!)

My partner comes home and I've got a long list of reasons to be mad. I'm annoyed that he was late to the doctor's appointment for my two-year-old that we waited three months to get. I'm irritated because she didn't wake up in time because she was up late scrolling on her phone. Or I'm furious that he yelled at the kids this morning, had a full-blown tantrum of his own, when I was trying so hard to keep the peace. When you're partners and parents together, there are no end of stresses that can create bad vibes between you. Resentment can build up, and irritation and competition between us adults can make for a really shaky foundation of a peaceful home, but also for a really miserable and stressful day-to-day existence together. Plus, I know what it's like when you're breastfeeding all day, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, serving kids all day, and taking care of everybody's needs but your own, and when your partner gets home, perhaps at the end of the day, you feel like there's not room for one more person's needs to take care of. In the past, I've sometimes felt like this was one more person demanding things of me, or needing things of me, or one more place where my energy needed to go, and I just didn't have any more left to give. But the truth is, our adult partnership, if we have one, can and should be the source of radical energy, of healing, of joy, and of connection. Just as we get to create an intentional relationship with our children based around the values and the type of relationship that we most value and want, so too do we get to intentionally create the type of vibe and connection that we have in our adult relationship. We get to create the type of home that we want to be a part of. So how do we create this connection with our partner when we feel disconnected, or when we're stuck in a victim mindset, or resentment has already built up and we have a long list of things that they're falling short on? One of the things that I do when I feel like resentment is building up and I'm just not connected with someone, my partner, is that I strip down and go back to basics. It's so fascinating, but the way that we connect with babies and for most people, this happens naturally, it's instinctual, we connect with babies on this very visceral, sensual level. And the truth is that I believe that all humans need that type of connection on a daily basis. I find that when I need to connect with my baby, with my eight-year-old, or with my husband, we can come back to those very basic needs. The first one is that we all need to be seen as inherently good. We call this holding someone's goodness to light. Our partner, or our teenager, or our kid might not be getting the benefit of feeling like we see them as such a source of good in the world, like we see them as golden, like we love them on a really deep, but also on a superficial level, i.e. we like them as well. We like it when they come home, we like reconnecting with them, we like having a meal with them, and we enjoy talking and getting to know them better on a regular basis. We remain curious about them. Now, babies command that kind of curiosity from us and attention from us naturally. Have you noticed how when there's a baby in the room, all eyes get drawn to the baby? Or to the cat? But the point is that having that person look at you, take interest in you, and hold your goodness to light is a core, basic need. But one that we very often throw out the window once people mature past babyhood. So one of the things that works really well is say we've been, apart from our partner, we've been out at work and we're finally coming home, is notice how our facial expression and body language communicates our excitement, our interest in seeing them. You know, when you first fall in love with someone, you have eyes for them only, right? It's a phrase like that, having eyes for someone. Having eyes only for you is a really core, basic human need in a way. We want people to look at us, to take us in, and to truly see us, but to see us for a place of goodness. When we're feeling disconnected, we get stuck in that critical eye that's always testing and always looking and always, oh, you didn't do this, you didn't do that, you're not good enough. Can we come back to that core, basic need that when our partner walks through the door, when we reconnect, when we wake up in the morning, we show them that we see the goodness in them? The good thing about this and about all of these points is that it's infectious. When you see the goodness in someone else, they are more likely to see the goodness in you. So put on those rose-tinted glasses and catch them at their best. Notice that they're doing so well. Notice the inherent goodness and value and worth within them and help them feel that acceptance and that unconditional love. Watch them rise to it. The second thing that I take from how we connect with babies is that sensual, physical, visceral way of connecting. We touch babies, we stroke them, we hug them, we cuddle them, we hold them, we nurse them, we make eye contact with them. We're always physically actually connecting with them. And the needs for that do not go away when someone turns two. They actually stay throughout our lives, but most of us are touch-starved and eye contact-starved as adults. We use these senses to convey a feeling of closeness and love. And again, this is something that we naturally do when we've fallen in love with someone. But we tend to forget it past babyhood or if we're not in the passionate throes of having just fallen in love, we tend to forget it with our teens and with our adult partners. We all need a bit of lavish attention. And in romantic adult partnerships, that flirtation and sexual energy as well sometimes dries up when we're so busy with life. But that's a tragic loss for everyone. Connection is a bit of a chicken and an egg thing. Those cuddles, that eye contact, that flirtation, all of those actually chemically bond us with our partner and create the connection that we seek. So when you feel disconnected, try acting connected. Try using these kind of bonding mechanisms of touch and eye contact and closeness and see how the hormones just kick in and the chemical bonding occurs, making you feel connected as a result. Some of us go entire days without so much as a peck on the cheek. And if this is you, how about a prescription for long extended eye contact and 12 hugs a day minimum? And finally, we all sometimes need to let off some steam, to show our silly selves, to be more wild, to be less held together and less responsible, to take off our parent, doctor, worker, responsible hat, whatever it is that you do, and just be free. We do this again naturally when we're in love. We just kind of disconnect from the world and play hooky for the day. Or when we have a new baby, we suddenly put all of our effort and energy just in being present and enjoying ourselves together. So how about bringing in some of that energy into your partnership? Change the atmosphere, put on some music for a wild dance party or get outside or have a fit of giggles and laugh until your sides hurt. If there's tension and resentment building up between you, how about we use some humor to diffuse it? Just today, I was pretty annoyed at my husband and I said to him, I'm not talking to you. And it was half joke and half real, but at least it was a lightness around the conflict that we were having. Can you use playfulness and silliness as you would in your parenting to diffuse tensions in the relationship? Not to mention flirtation and intimacy to change up the atmosphere and bond you closer. The real truth is that a good vibrant connection with our partner feeds us, energizes us and nourishes us. It's something you do for yourself and for your family holistically and of course for your partner as well. It feels good to feel good. Can we allow ourselves to step away from the competition, the tit for tat, the counting who did what and instead step into a joy and a radically healing, energizing, vibrant energy within our relationship? Just as you deserve to intentionally create the type of connection that you seek with your kids, so too you deserve to intentionally create the type of connection you seek with your partner. So if this has spoken to you, then maybe next time you see your partner, try a little flirtation, eye contact, a silly joke, a long embrace, a word of kindness or some wild off-script moment where you have a crazy dance party or laugh until your sides hurt.