Setting Boundaries with Family / How to Set a Loving Limit

Unfortunately, there are some family dynamics that are really harmful to children. It might look different in any family, and it feels different for every parent. A grandma who bribes, yells, or even spanks her grandchild. An auntie who shames their body, tells them they need to lose weight, and models terrible self-loathing. A grandpa who calls them names, laughs at them, has too much to drink, or forcefully pulls them onto his lap. It is okay for you to set loving limits with the people you love. Ultimately, awkward and uncomfortable as it might be, it's okay for you to say, please stop making comments about my daughter's body. Or, I can't let you pull him onto your lap, he's saying no. Or, we can't come over if you're not sober when we're here. It's okay to say no. It's okay not to come, or to come on your own terms, location, and timing of your choosing. It hurts and it's hard, but it's part of our job as parents. My favorite way to set a loving limit is to give a boundary sandwich. It looks like this. Yes, no, yes. You start by affirming, or by giving some kind of positive feedback. For example, yes, we would love to see you over the holidays. Or, you know how much the kids love playing with you. Or, yes, we've really missed our time together. Then you make a clear, firm, undeniable no to what you don't agree to. For example, we will not be coming to your home. And then you end on another yes note, something positive and connecting. Or, what you can agree to, what you are saying yes to. For example, we would love to go to a concert together. So how does this look in action? Here are some more examples. You're such a playful grandpa, and the kids just adore you. I can't let you pull them onto your lap or hug them when they're choosing not to. What they really enjoy is playing chess, tag, or uno. Or, for example, it's so incredibly generous for you to cook for everyone over the holidays. Our kids can have one candy each, but no more. Thanks so much for making such efforts for us to be comfortable. Or finally, I really appreciate that you're concerned about my daughter's health. Making any comments about her food, her body, or her looks is completely counterproductive and really out of the question. But she loves discussing the books she's reading, her science project, and anything to do with horses. Sometimes even the most well-phrased limits are gonna fall on deaf ears. Some people just have a toxic dynamic with us, and the best thing to do is to limit the amount of time we spend with them. And to do so on our own terms. And on our turf or on neutral grounds. And to pull away a little bit, to disconnect, to protect ourselves and our kids. When someone crosses a red line with your child, it is okay to set a firm, loving limit. So if you're facing challenges with the people closest to you, remember that peaceful parenting isn't just for our children. We can set firm, empathic limits for adult family as well. With love and respect and crystal clear communication of our expectations and boundaries. And if those expectations aren't met, we can follow through with limiting the amount of time we spend with those people. That's a natural consequence of crossing our boundaries. If you're facing this type of challenge, you are so not alone. This too is part of loving parenting and parenting from love.