Kylie Brakeman Is A Six Year Old Divorcee

Oh, hello everybody! How's it going? So a little about me, folks. I'm six years old. That's right, folks, I'm this many. This many. Boy, have I had a fuckin' week at the playground. I just got divorced from my six-year-old husband, Tyler F. You wanna know what the F stands for? Fuckin' deadbeat, I swear to God! He wants full custody of the dead pug we found together, because of course he does. Next thing you know, I find it in Ashley P.'s backpack. She says she was just holding it for him. Huh, yeah, kinda like she was holding his hand on the slide, that whore! I don't judge. I don't judge, folks, but when it comes to cooties, she's always bringing it up for the rest of the class. Uh-oh, I'm on my fourth Capri Sun and I'm starting to tell the truth! Because, you know, folks, this all comes down to the difference between men and women, right? Because women are always thinking about wee, but men are only thinking about wee-wee! Send me to the principal's office, I'm off the rails! Oh, man, anybody here married? Clap if you're married. Okay, no one. Hey! Perfect! Well, if any of you are even thinking about getting married, I want you to listen to me, okay? One, two, three, all eyes on me, quiet coyote says, don't do it, honey. Don't do it! Oh, this will be different, he likes likes me. No, he doesn't. You wanna know what the divorce rate is for six-year-olds? One hundred percent. Never works. But you know, I'm doing alright now, I'm single and I'm looking. I just got out of Zoom school, I feel like a cat in heat. And I've got play dates lined up all next week with real men who can actually do something for me. You know? Connor T just hit the legally required weight limit to level up on car seats. Hubba hubba! Connor F just got back from the hospital from his peanut allergy flare-up. What can I say? Oh, I'm damaged! And Connor S is pretty cute, although he does have cooties, but then again, who doesn't these days? It's Hollywood! Alright, men in the audience, let me hear you if you're single! That was a treat, you perverts! I'm six years old! Alright, that's my time, thanks so much!