“Let’s Cut Out the Middleman”- Kyle Dunnigan - Full Special

From New York City, Comedy Central presents Kyle Dennegan! That was amazing. Thanks, you guys. That was a great applause, you guys. You guys are a great audience. Hey, guys. Two guys walked into a bar. You'd think the second guy would have seen it or something. Hey, you guys. You guys. Knock, knock, you guys. Hey, you guys. I don't really talk like that. I'm sorry, I don't talk like that. I'm not that dorky. I'm close. I'm close to that dorky. I did this. I called my home machine to leave a message for myself. And I got nervous leaving that message. I was like, hey, it's me. It's you, too. I just wanted to remind you to go to Karen's party on Friday. I told her we'd go, so we should probably go. I didn't say we'd go. Because that would mean we were crazy, which we're not. Okay, I'm rambling. All right, that's it. Love you. Bye. Hey, it's me again. I just wanted to clear up that last message. My mom's been leaving me longer and longer messages. I don't know what it is about the mom message. A lot of detail. The mom message. She's like, hi, it's your mother. It's 7.34 on Tuesday. Oops, 7.35. The clock just turned. 7.35. Must have been at the end of the four when I said 7.34. Because now it says 7.30. I just sit with my finger on the erase button. But you can't hit it in case the end of the message is like, I'm being attacked. So you have to sit like, oh, my God. Hurry up. I can feel myself getting older. It's about it. I get back at her, though. I treat her like she's senile in public. That makes her crazy. I go, don't put that in your mouth. That doesn't belong in your mouth, mother, right? She's like, stop it, Kyle. My name's not Kyle. It's Peter. I'm your son, Peter, remember? Stop it, Peter. I want to tell you guys this story. It's kind of a lame story. So I'm going to use this looping machine to help me tell it. What happened was, I brought this chick back to my apartment with the intent on seducing her. So I put on some music, right? It was like... That kind of thing, right? And we start hooking it up, you know what I mean? It was like... That kind of hookup. Nasty. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, yeah. This is going good, right? Oh, yeah. Now, I don't want to brag, but it started getting hot and heavy. Like, really hot and heavy. All of a sudden, this chick starts bawling, crying. Crying, in the middle of it. So I was like, what's wrong? And she goes... Nothing. So I was like, cool. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. But she kept crying, you know, so I had to stop. Obviously, something was wrong. So, you know, I just patted her head until she fell asleep. Now I'm looking at this unconscious woman and I'm thinking, oh, yeah. But that's wrong, too. So I just got up and I made myself pancakes. I was guaranteed to get laid. Now I'm making myself pancakes. How pathetic is that? But I tried and they're actually really good. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a really lame story without that loop, I'll tell you that. So a lot of people think I'm lazy because I get up at like 2 p.m. But that's like 7 a.m. in Japan. You know, if I went to Japan tomorrow, there'd be no jet lag. They'd be like, he's a real go-getter. 7 a.m., ready to go, this guy. Where are we? That's right. I'm not lazy at all on this side of the planet. I used to set my alarm. But I hate alarms. They're so loud, you know. They scare you awake, don't they? Peh, peh, peh, peh. Right off the bat. It's not like you wake somebody up. Peh, peh. It's so loud, my deaf neighbor came over. She was like... That happened twice. I know. My mother was like, that's a terrible joke to say. What if a deaf person heard you say that? I have an idea for an alarm clock. It reasons you awake. It gives you reasons why you should get up. Isn't that a good idea? I'm going to have Dr. Phil do the voiceover. Because people trust that guy. He'll just hear... I mean, look, you could sleep all day, okay. But you can't day all sleep. I see your eyes are closed. But honey, I don't buy it. I like the snooze button. It's a good thing. But even that doesn't even make any sense. When you think about it. It's like, I hate getting up in the morning. Over and over and over and over again. Then I'm good. So I'm here for that plan. A lot of comedians do impressions of famous people. I'm going to take it to the next level. I'm going to do an impression of a famous person doing an impression of another famous person. This is Bill Maher doing his impression of Jack Nicholson. You can't handle the truth, okay? Do you really think you should be asking for the truth? If you can't handle the truth, you shouldn't, okay? This is a song. I didn't write this. This is actually a song that John Lennon wrote right before he died. What's that in your hand? Is that too soon? Because I'll wait another quarter of a century. I apologize. I went to Costco for the first time in three years because I just ran out of the crap I got last time I was there. For those of you who don't know, it's a bulk item store. You can make the craziest grocery list and it's there. I was like, I need to buy some mayonnaise, a TV, and a basketball hoop. I don't want to go to one store. I think it was invented by a guy. He owned his own warehouse full of crap. Then one day he just snapped. He's like, why am I shipping everything? Just open the door. They can shop here. Let's cut out the middleman. His friend was like, yeah, but it's all wrapped up in bulk packages. Make him buy the whole thing. I don't care. Put a lady out front with a highlighter and I'm done. I'm not shipping. I ask myself questions in those stores. I don't ask myself anywhere else. Like, will I live long enough to use all those paper towels? You guys are a great audience. Best audience in the whole darn universe. Here's my impression of Ray Romano doing his impression of Christopher Walken. Oh no. It's all wrong. I need more cowbell. I was behind this really, really old guy at the ATM. I don't know what it is about old people and technology, but it's just, they don't mix. It was like ten minutes ago. Oh boy, here we go. Let's see here. I want to withdraw cash, so I have to touch where it says withdraw cash. Okay. I'm back to main menu. Oh boy. Here we go again. Could everyone please turn around? I have to put my secret security code in. So please close your eyes. Okay. One. Two. Three. Four. Oh, I'm back to main menu. This thing's broken. I think when you get older, when we're 80, it'll be like a computer chip you put in your brain and you just have to think about what you have to do and then it'll just happen and you still won't get it. Like, how do I turn the TV on? You just think about turning the TV on, Grandpa, and it goes on. Oh, okay. Grandpa, the coffee maker just went on. Were you thinking about coffee, Grandpa? Yeah, I like coffee. Well, think about the TV, okay? Oh, okay. Grandpa, you just sent me a fax that says you pooped your pants. Are you okay? Sorry, what's your name, little lady? Tiffany? That's so weird. That's the name of my next girlfriend. Oh, no, Tiffany, I just dropped this. I'll have to get it with my ass muscles. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. That was stupid. I'm sorry. I just got dumped, you guys. Yeah, what? Who would let this go? You say to yourselves? I don't know. Is she crazy? No, she's a whore. Her dog attacked me. That's how we met. That's a bad omen, you know? She blamed me like it was my fault. She goes, don't run. It freaks him out more. I was running for my life. Like, what does she want me to do, stop? Like, all of a sudden, a raging dog's gonna go, oh, he stopped. Forget it, he stopped. I can't work with this. He's a German shepherd, too. A German shepherd. Be more like, ach, nein, geschichte, schlabe. Rutsch 99. Rutsch, laufe, lutsch. So I, I turn around and see this dog in midair, like, and I was like, no. And she was like, slow motion, freaks him out more. Oh, no. So I'm dating now. It's kind of awkward. We're going on a great adventure, which is an amusement park. It's a bad idea, because I get nauseous, you know. She wanted to go on the teacup rides. Really bad. And I was like, okay, teacups. How bad can that ride be? I sat down and was like, hey, why does it smell like puke in here? Oh, okay. That makes sense. You ever try to talk yourself out of being nauseous? I'm like, dude, just relax, man. It'll all be over soon. Look up and pretend like you're having a good time. Don't do that again. So now I'm dating. I had an awkward thing. This girl, I barely knew her. We had to get a home pregnancy test. Yeah, which, there was like 20 minutes waiting for the results. Like, oh, where'd you go to college? Awesome. And then I had to figure out some dash system. It was like a dash, meant she was pregnant. There should be a word on there so you know right away. It should say like, there's something clear. Hey, don't get the wrong impression. We use protection, all right? Just things fall off when you have a small penis. But the point, I'm just kidding, it's huge. Women say it's huge. I use magnums. Not the condom, the gun. I'm like, say it's huge! And women, women say it's huge. Being in the bedroom with a new person, so you have to figure out what is this new body and why does she have a penis? Getting your socks off, that's a tough move for us guys. You women, you wonder why we leave them on, you know? We're like, no, I look good with my socks on. We leave them on because there's no cool way to get them off. You've got two options. You could hop the sock off and grab the back. No woman wants to see a naked man hopping. It's like, ooh, oh my! Don't look at me! Or you could peel the sock off with the other foot. But there's nothing more feminine than being like, back in, back, hold on, hold on. Once this happens, I'm going to **** the shit out of you. Once you get this situation, got one, here comes the other one. All right. Let's get serious. This is a song that Lincoln wrote right before he died. I'm just kidding. I fell in love, like deep in love, like four years ago, and she moved off to Europe, and I didn't want her to forget me, so I wrote her this song. It's called Hold On. ♪♪♪♪ Hold on. This next song is... I have a friend, I knew him my whole life, and he came out of the closet, and I felt stupid that I didn't figure it out. Because looking back, there were signs. One time we were saying, where's the strangest place you've ever had sex? And he was like, inside a woman? And at the time, but you look back. Anyway, they don't let him march in the St. Patrick's Day parade with his friends, and I think that's stupid. Just because they're Irish and gay, they can't march. So I wrote this song. ♪♪♪♪ Will we go to the bars to get us some drinks? They won't let us march, and we think that stinks, because we're fat, and we're Irish, we're drunk, and we're gay. So pass me the pretzels, give me me brew, if your c**k is a ladle, me ass is the stew. Feel free to sing along. But some say it's evil, some claim that it's vicious. I happen to think that it's magically delicious. So let's play that game called Take Out Your Balls. It's easy to play, just take out your balls. So pour me a bud, I'll pour you a bass. Put a potato in a cannon, and fire it up in the air. Hidey hee, hidey ho, hidey hi, hidey he. Everyone, we're fat, and we're Irish, we're drunk, and we're gay. Well, that wasn't everyone, was it? Hidey hee, hidey ho, hidey hi, hidey he. Everyone, we're fat, and we're Irish, we're drunk, and we're gay. I'm gonna keep doing this till everyone sings. And that'll get pretty annoying. Hidey hee, hidey ho, hidey hi, hidey he. We're fat, we're Irish, we're drunk, and we're gay. Thank you all very much, that's my time, you're great!