Johnny Anybody 01/17/2025

Ladies and gentlemen, a very big, very pumped, very awesome, warm welcome for Johnny and his buddy. My name is Johnny. Can we get a suggestion of an object that's silly? A toaster oven? Toaster oven. Totally. What's the name of that toaster oven? I don't know. Who has a toaster oven? Who does? I think I'm out of room. You are? Would you consider your toaster oven to be silly? Uh, it's kind of broken. That's silly. The last time they combined two appliances, it was a big success. But what's next? What's the next big thing? The blender dishwasher? The washing machine dishwasher? Dang. I don't know, man. They're going to fire me at Cuisinart. Oh, jeez. Oh, I got it. The dishwasher. Dishwasher. Every ******* day, every night, dishes keep piling up, and I'm the one to do it. No, it's no worries, because it's a job that people need to do. And for me, I like it. I like it. I built this box. If I can do this, I can build other things. I can build other things. I mean, if you don't like the house that I did for you, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. I will start over. It's not a problem. Say no more. I will rip it right down, and I'll build you something completely different. Hello? I'll build you something completely different, actually. Dishwasher is a bad idea. What if there was, you know how fridge water is the best water? What if you got fridge water from other places? Dishwasher. Dishwasher water. That way, it would be better and good. If I made you a house boat, or a tree house. Whatever you want. Where do you want the house? Underground? I'll build you a little bunker. I'm really open to suggestions here. I can see you don't like it. I can see you don't like the way I washed this thing. I know. I'll try again. So that's all I do. I wash the dishes, and I go home. I go home, and I just, I look at what I've done, and... I promised myself I wouldn't cry again. But if I can do this... I promised myself I wouldn't cry again. But if I can do this... I promised myself I wouldn't cry again. But if I can drink this... The whole world's gonna be better and good. Try it again. He's just thinking about the turtles. Jesus Christ, if she couldn't keep thinking about the turtles... They hatch out little eggs, and then they crawl to the ocean. And then the birds come in, and they're plucking them out. They can't get to the ocean. And I think we gotta help them, man. Francis, it's not our problem. We don't have to care about the turtles, man. In fact, I'm a little pro-bird. How could you say that to me? It would cause a rift between us, and then... I think birds are kind of sick, and turtles are kind of lame. Do you like birds? You're pro-bird? That's perfect for our country. Hell yeah. Mr. President? Yeah, sure thing. Written in the 1800s by Sir Henry. Submitted to Earth today by you. Okay. Colono? Okay. And watched by me. President? The President. Okay, here I go. Go, Colono. Hey, you got this. The Eagle's Anthem. In the clutches of their talons, And they snatch turtles from the fields. The eagles, they fly free. Oh, the eagles for you and me. I couldn't help but join Colono. You have a bright future, perhaps in my role. After I pass. Whoa, you're gonna... After I pass! Oh, wait. I don't want you to take over and hurt me. Keep your hand on your heart. Oh, sorry. That was nice. Good. So what else do I need to know to be like a future president someday? Well, don't kick. Oh, sorry. Um, aside from that, uh... Well, you need to know right from wrong and rich from poor. Hey, come over here and buy some drugs. Oh, but you gotta answer my riddle. Okay. Is this right or wrong? Fuck, I'm depressed. Time's ticking, loser. Is it right or wrong to buy drugs? On the one hand, you're supporting a local business. On the other hand, you're running a ministry that I guess is gonna kind of... You know, like a people? Think of what I've taught you. Mr. President, is that you? I pass. Is that your business, sir? Wait, if you pass, does that mean I'm president? You didn't get it quite yet. Who are you talking to? Sorry, I'm talking to myself. Uh, is it time? No, you're not. I don't want to sell drugs to anymore. Oh, wait, it's right, it's right. Give me the drugs. You blew it! Hey, wait, so you're telling me you know right from wrong? Yeah. Do you have prospects? Yeah, I'm Trump equal. Whoa, sing me the Eagles anthem right now, word for word. In the clutches of... This is called the dishwasher-washer machine. Remember? This is called the toaster oven... Air fryer. Remember? The wall. But I wish it was revocable. I miss you sometimes. I know, it's hard being on my own. I just, I bring you a cake once a year, and then I don't see you again. I know. Sad. I got really upset. In fairness. I think that was your fault. But I still may be overreacted by banishing you forever. Let me go home. I just told you it was revocable. A couple minutes ago. Let me go home. No, I just told you. I can't do that. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. What do you want me to do? Revoke it, please. I'd love to, but... The people need to hear that I'm principled. What does that even mean? They gotta hear that I'm... Hey, we need to hear something from you soon. I'm not, I'm not revoking anything. You better ask me. No, I'm not, I won't. We the people would be pretty upset about it. I know, I know. Okay, thank you. Applause for him being principled. Too classic. You're giving me such mixed signals, Jerome. I'm a lost child. Me too, in a certain way. Me too. Look at me, look at me. Why are you lost? Yeah, why are you lost? I don't know, I just... Look, I just can't do what I want anymore. What do you want? Well, I want you... I want you... I want you to go back. I want you to put on my cape every day. So, revoke it. Wrap it up. What does that guy have to say? I'm telling you, we'll revoke it. That's what I wanted. I'm sorry, Jerome. The people are really clear about it. He looks mad, like he might fight. Take my cape away. And don't bring it back. You're not going to get it back. I'll see you in a year, jerk. I have to. Do you want to talk to the people now? No, thank you. Do you want to talk to any of us? No. You've ruined my life. What do you mean? Well, not you personally. Just you as a collective. I just speak for the people, yeah. Yeah, but come on up here. Sorry. Revoke you. For the people? Sure. Alright, guys. Hey, sorry. We were just waiting outside for a decision on whatever was happening. I know you want to vote for the new presidency, but... You can't start so grassroots. You've got to start where money was. What do you mean? Exactly what I said, you know? Well, I was promised the presidency as soon as the president passed, and that didn't happen, okay? So I found my... Shit, the president passed? I think so, yeah. Why didn't you? And did the president promise you? Yeah, they promised me the presidency next. You know the Eagles anthem? I don't remember a word. No, you don't. Yes, I do. All the people know it, in fact, and we can all recite it. Good, I hope you get the presidency. That would be sweet. That would be great one day. I'd love to be the secretary of some... Oh, yeah? Secretary of what? Dishwashing, or... Yeah, we do need one of those. Secretary of Dishwashing. I'm not a kid. I'm your... Mom, I guess. Cousin. Kid to you. Yeah, yeah. It seems like that, but I've grown. It's like, I can't believe you're, what, you're nearly 35 to be president? I remember that. Hey, tell me the answer for Dishwashing. Stand up. There you go. Stand up. Let the washer take you, yeah. Boy, if I wanted to, you'd know it. Dishwasher. No, wait, sorry. I want to restart. Oh, Dishwasher. There you go. I'll keep that in mind. You'll be a great president one day. Our grandma will love you. You'll be a great secretary of Dishwashing one day. That's a job. I don't know if they can do family. Well, you have to be 35 to be president and you can't have family, except for the first lady or a future first man. Yeah. And then one day... Maybe it could be me, with my experience. Could be you. Who knows? That's not going to work for me. Oh, it's going to work. I can't do it. I can't work with that. It's so small. And you expect me to make a whole meal in this thing? I brought you small utensils. I'm a hungry, hungry boy. What do you expect me to do with a tiny meal that I made in this tiny oven? I want to see you do that. I paid for you to go to Little Cooking School. I want to get my little meal. Sit down. Welcome to Little Cooking School. Everything here is ******* huge. No, seriously. That's too small. We need something huge. Alright. Please. Yeah. Bet you it was horrible at tiny school. I'm so hungry all the time. Bet you're a big boy. I'm a big hungry boy. And I'm a big hungry girl. And we got to eat a lot to survive. Yeah. But we have to be loud at big school. Or, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You know, the only thing I brought... I brought my big spatula. That looks like a weapon. Or a shovel. It also is that. I guess you could say that. But that's perfect. Yeah, because we live somewhere cold. That's right. So, look. Give me one of those ostrich eggs. Let's make ourselves a little omelette, you know? Make omelette? Don't say little in here. It's a square. Push it. That's pretty good. See, you need to be freaking strong for big school. I'm trying. I'm already tired. That's not good. It's my first day. Well, you're not straight, Arthur. All right, everyone. It's time to eat the big omelette. All right. Oh, except you. I'm staying. Okay, we'll give you a little tiny piece. Baby. That's all. Did you guys hear the president died? What? Who's next? Well, the president died. That works. How old does the vice president have to be to be elected? 35. That's a fact I don't know. It's gotta be the same. Well, it's not the VP. It's someone else. A taller guy. Being smaller. You're making big stuff illegal? Yeah. Starting with you, big stuff. Hey, you're good at live. Do me, too. Now I'm illegal. Oh, cookie. Yeah, the eagle's been snatched from all my friends lately. Well, I couldn't tell. You couldn't tell? Because they were getting snatched. Oh, you thought I was doing an eagle impression? I thought you were a turtle doing an eagle impression. No, I'm just a turtle swimming now. And I'm a... Excuse me, you're my best friend. You're so lucky eagles don't want to snap. It's an eagle. How's it going? You don't have to worry about that if you're seaweed. Is there any way a turtle can turn seaweed? No. Dang. And the problem is you stay in one spot kind of turtle. You're the kind of turtle that stays in one spot. A rude turtle. It sucks. You can't even get away. Like, turtles are slow anyway. The perfect thing is I'm also stuck right here. And that's why you're cookie. Shut up.