Ricky Gervais Roasts Leonardo DiCaprio at the Golden Globes

They have had their fair share of sleaze, haven't they, the Conservative Party? And not like... I mean, all parties get a little bit of sleaze, but it's not like cool stuff like Labour, like punching a farmer or having two jags. There's this... Do you remember that Conservative MP, Stephen Milligan? Found dead with a noose around his neck, ammonitrate laced orange in his mouth, bag on his head, lady's tights. I'll be honest, I think he was wanking. But again, freedom to do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone. I mean, he hurt himself, he went too far. That is the problem with the oldest fixie wank. You've got to get it just right, or you go too far and you actually die. And then your wanking days are over. So, you know, if I was into that, wanking into an inch of my life, wearing lady's tights and sucking oranges with a bag on my head, I'd have a close friend, I'd just say, listen, I love nearly killing myself whilst wanking, wearing all this stuff. If I actually get it wrong one day and accidentally kill myself, come round, leave the noose, get rid of all that other stuff. Just say it was suicide. And how do they know they're into all that? Was he getting ready one day and tying his tie, went a bit tight, went, Oh, oh. Fucking hell. And when they do that, they nearly die, and they get it right, and they survive, then they swing in there when they've finished, they get a glimpse of themselves in the mirror, do they ever go, what the **** am I doing? The first apocryphal tale or urban myth I ever heard was about masturbation. Not surprising, you hear those sort of things when you're 14, 15, and that is a 14-year-old boy's main pastime. And it was told to us by a guy called David Beasley, and I talked about him on my animal show. He's the one that said, if you get captured by cannibals, they show you pornographic pictures, so you get an erection and there's more meat. And usually urban myths start with, oh, a friend of mine, right? Not this one, he said, I was wanking the other day, lads, go on. He said, I was on my bed at home, and I was naked, and I had my eyes shut, and I was listening to music, I had my headphones on, and when I'd finished, I opened my eyes, and my mum had been in, and left me some tea and biscuits. David, death. Oh, dear. There's my firstborn. Wacking away like a little monkey, isn't he? Very proud of him, very proud of him. If he carries on like that, he's going to come. I'd better leave this so he knows his mother saw him. Think of that, your mother walking in on you furiously masturbating. The other way round is worse. But we believed that at the time, I think he believed it. He told me another story, which I have no reason not to believe. He said his brother was going for a job interview, and he had to change trains at Crewe, and he was on the platform of the train, and he shat himself. As you do. Just filled with diarrhoea. And he thought, oh, for ****'s sake. And he had to make the interview, so he had ten minutes to go to the train, and he looked across the platform, he saw Millet's, so he scrouched over to Millet's, and went in, and went, quick, mate, Levi's, 36, got the bag, made the train, went straight to the toilet, locked himself in, put the bag on, took his trousers off, took his pants off, poked him out the window, cleaned himself up, flushed it all away, opened the bag, it was a jacket. And when he told us that, we were going, oh, ****, what would you do? And my mate Bob, trying to be cool, went, just cut the corners off the carrier bag. Oh, you're going to still make the interview then? Brilliant. Morning. Oh, that, shat myself. What's the pension scheme like? Like, you think, yeah, phew, ooh. Thank God for a carrier bag to hide my offal. Unbelievable. There are more drastic forms of protest, though, than marching and leaflets. In 1963, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, as a protest against the Vietnam regime, went out into a public place, set himself alight and burnt to death. Did no good, because that's not a threat or a deterrent. If a little monk comes up to you and he goes, you'd better stop all those things you're doing, otherwise I'm going to set myself alight. You're going to set yourself alight? Fill your boots, mate. And no one cared, and I bet you don't even know his name, do you? I do. I've looked it up. It's absolutely true. His name was Thick Quang Duck. Or Crispy Duck, to his mates. John Lennon, a less drastic form of protest against the Vietnam War. The famous sleeping. He stayed in bed for a week with the ocarina, and that was it. And people were going, brilliant, genius, that's excellent. I bet that little monk was ******* gutted. Hold on, what? Burn yourself to death or shag Yoko? I love it when rock stars get involved. I absolutely love it. The political song. Look out, mate, he's got a guitar. He's saying what he thinks, in C. It's OK when it's people like Bob Dylan, but I love it when pop stars have a go. Do you remember Culture Club's classic? They'd been singing Karma Comedian for too long, and they came up with the war song. And in that they go, war, war is stupid, and people are stupid. How's that going to change your mind? If you're into war, you're loving war, you love it, it's your favourite thing, you're in a plane, you're going to bomb the shit out of the country, I can't wait to get there, I love bombing people. Nearly there, put the radio on. War, war is stupid, and people are stupid. We're going home. Boy George there. He piled on the pounds when he gave it the smack, didn't he? There's a fable there, kids. Every action has a consequence. Billy Joel, after singing things like Uptown Girl, he then revealed his classic, his protest song, We Didn't Start the Fire, and in that song, it's basically a list, in chronological order, from 1949 to 1989, and he just mentions six to eight things each verse. Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray, That's not a song. That's a conversation with Rain Man.