I Am Finally Woke Ricky Gervais Stand Up Comedy

So new, in fact, it's still evolving. I've got bits tonight I haven't done before, right? If I had Lib, I haven't even thought it before. And I have some terrible ******* thoughts. But you can't help that, can you? You can't choose your thoughts. They just appear. It's too late. You have a thought, and it goes, I'm a thought. And you go, oh ****, I thought that. And then sometimes the thought will go, now say it. And I say it, and Netflix, you know. My last show, Supernature, dropped on Netflix last year. Big backlash, wasn't there? Big, oh, big backlash. People going, you can't say that. You can, you can. I did. Yeah, the inevitable backlash, which made it the most watched special of the year. So, I've learnt my lesson. No, I have learnt my lesson. And that's why I'm going to be woke from now on. It's about time. Well, I'm sorry. Well, I am woke. And now I'm woke, the first thing I've got to do is change my Twitter bio. Because at the moment, it's like a list of the shows I've created. But now I'm woke, I've got to pop in the word anti-fascist. So people know I'm not a fascist, because that is a big problem at the moment. People come up to me on the street and they go, Rick, have you been imprisoning journalists? I go, no. They go, oh, interesting. They go, have you been gassing Jews? I go, no. They go, well, pop it in your bio then, you silly cunt. So yeah, I'm not a fascist. It's an odd thing to just declare, isn't it? That you're not a fascist. We assume, don't we? You wouldn't go up to someone on the street and do that, would you? And go, oh, by the way, I'm not a fascist. It's like they protest too much. It's like going into a school and going, I'm not a pedo. So just forget I even mentioned it. So these kids are safe running around naked. They can run around naked for all I care. I'm not a pedo. Of course, the word fascist has changed. Traditionally, the word fascist meant a member of a far-right authoritarian regime that uses militarism and violence to suppress individual rights. Now, the word fascist can mean like to Joe Rogan tweet. So words change, yeah? And that's part of the reason I'm going to become woke is words change and I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to end up like my granddad in the 70s. He was all like, coloured this and queers that. Although the word queer is all right again now. So if you wait long enough, it just goes full circle. Just be patient is my... So yeah, you can use the word queer. You still can't use it as a noun, only as an adjective. You can't go up to someone and go, you're a queer, but you can go, hear about Darren? He's queer now. If Darren is definitely bent, go around just slagging off Darren willy-nilly. Do you know what I mean? You can get sued in this country for saying someone's gay if they're not, which is a homophobic law because you can't be sued the other way around. You can't be sued for saying someone's not gay if they are, which seems unfair, doesn't it? Like I could go up to Britain's biggest gay and go, all right, Alton, all right. He'd love that. He'd ******* love that. If that's your game, you want to be top of the pile, so to speak. I'd go, all right, Alton. He'd go, yeah. I'd go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You're not a gay. He'd go, I bloody am. He'd go, I'm going to sue you. I'd go, you can't, you can't. He'd go, but know that I am gay. I'd go, I don't believe you are. He'd go, well, come on with me and see the ---- I do if you don't believe me. Of course, the word queer has changed. Again, traditionally, the word queer used to mean someone who was attracted to the same sex as themselves, a gay man. Now, the word queer can mean a straight man who wants some attention. Aya? Yeah, I'm right queer now. Aya? Yeah. What about your girlfriend? Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just two queers queering each other. Suck a cock. Nah. No, didn't think so. I'm not that sort of queer. What sort of a queer are you? Dyed my hair blue. So did my grandmother and she ******* loved cock. So, what we're saying is I have no evidence for that. We never had that conversation. So words change is my point. Like the word handicapped, right? Again, traditionally, that was the politically correct term, the all-inclusive term for cripples and ----, right? But then they went, no, we want to be disabled. They didn't want to be disabled. They said, we want to be referred to as disabled. We don't like the term handicapped anymore. Stop using it. Say disabled. And we went, okay, fine. And that's great. Just tell me the rules now. In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules. Like if I was on a beach and a woman came running up and went, help, help. My handicapped toddler's drowning. I'd go, sorry, you're what, love? What? My handicapped toddler's drowning and he can't swim. Whoa. Do you mean your disabled toddler is drowning? She'd go, yeah. I'd go, right. Well, let's, oh, dead. Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I? Well, I am woke now and I can prove it. Here you go. I love illegal immigrants. Yeah, sue me now. Sometimes I go down to Dover for the day, right? And I look out, right? I look for a boat and I see a dinghy with about 60 of them and I go over here like that, right? And I pull them in. I pull them into the shore and I go, women and children first. They go, there are no women and children. Just you lads, is it? Just, come on, lads. Come on, lads. If I go down there one day and there's no boat, I am absolutely ******* gutted. I don't know. I just sort of wander into town and I stand by the traffic lights and I wait for a big lorry to pull up, right? And I look underneath and there's a lad sort of clutching like that. And I go, where are you headed? And he goes, Gary Lineker's house. I go, it's just down there. Yeah. **** borders. ****, we don't need borders, do we? Be like the Vikings. They didn't care about borders, did they? I've got a little bit of Viking blood in me. Well, we all have because of all the raping they did. They say it was raping and pillaging, but I think it was mainly for the raping. I think they added the pillaging bit for the wives. I mean, they went down one day and went, right, we're off to Great Britain. Oh, why? Just a bit of pillaging. Just pillaging. Just pillaging, babe. All right, why are you wearing your rape hat? So this show is called Armageddon and it's all about how I think humanity might end because there's a long list of possibilities, you know? We're on a precipice, you know? It could be anything from global warming, the rise of the pandemic, you know? Nuclear war, our own stupidity, basically. Because we are getting more stupid as a species. No doubt about that. You can now do a university degree course in Taylor Swift. How ******* low academically can you go? There's an institute in London called the School of Flower Arranging. I went past it. I couldn't believe it. School of Flower Arranging. I looked in and there's people having lectures. Flower arranging. My mum used to pick flowers every day from the garden, cut flowers, put them in vases around the house. At no point did anyone come round and go, what unqualified cunt did these? Yeah, the earth is in a terrible mess and it's my fault, my generation's fault. And the generation before, the boomers with their deforestation and their fossil fuels, ruining the ozone layer, raising the temperature by a few degrees. So parasites, you know, bacteria and these zootropic pandemics are just going to get worse and worse. Like if you're 20 years old now, you're going to have a very different middle age to me. I've had the best 60 years of civilisation, right? But if you're 20 now, in 40 years time, you're going to be in your house, wearing a mask, crying. Like you do now over jokes. And I'm not going to be around to see that, but I am going to spend my entire fortune from now on on private jets to make sure it definitely ******* happens. We're going to be the first generation that future generations are jealous of, right? Because we had it all and we're using it all up. We're using up all the fresh water. We're using up all the fossil fuel, right? Usually you look back in history and you feel sorry for it. You go, oh, how did they live like that? Oh, how did they get around? No indoor toilets. I've got nine toilets in my house. And sometimes I just run around flushing them for a laugh. Just so that in 40 years time, Greta Thunberg has to ---- out of a window. I've got 28 radiators. I always have them on full. Then I put the air con on full and it sort of settles at about 20 degrees. A lovely... It's how the cat likes it. She loves it at 20 degrees. And I spoil my cat. I love cats. I love having a cat. Think about it, cats are great, but if you let them out, they bring home the most disgusting things. Last week, mine brought home a scouser with herpes. And it wasn't quite dead, so I had to get it by its legs and crack its head against the table. And who cares? If humanity was wiped out today, the earth would return to a paradise in a few hundred years. If we lose bees, we're a desert forever. We're not that important. We're just one species of narcissistic ape. And some people on social media get annoyed when I say we're apes, you know, religious types, Americans. One bloke said to me, speak for yourself, dude, I ain't no ape. And I sent back, we are, because we're all apes. He went, nah, what's a gorilla ever done? We've walked on the moon. I sent back, what do you mean we? You've done **** all. You've spelt moon wrong. It's weird, isn't it, when people take credit for the sort of rest of the species, because that's what's pushed civilisation forward, you know, a few geniuses along the way. There's eight billion people on this planet. Most of us do nothing. We eat ---- and die. If there was a meteor heading towards earth to definitely destroy it, four billion people would get down on their knees and pray to their particular God, and a few hundred scientists would work out how to get Bruce Willis up there to stop it. It's an odd concept, praying, for me. I can't work out how God decides. All those people praying at once for different things, is it like best idea wins, or is it a democracy? Like, he puts things at each issue, he goes, right, votes for and against, you know. If it's a democracy, we're in trouble. We're a tiny nation. Like, next time there's a flood warning in the West Country, if we're all going, oh, I hope everyone's okay. If the whole of China is going, yeah, **** Bristol. There's a billion of them. More about China later. Yeah, I've always found praying quite strange. Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbour, and I know they've got a little kid, and I go, oh, how's so-and-so? And they go, oh, not good, he's in intensive care. We don't know if he's gonna pull through, but I pray every night. What I do, as an experiment, I go home and I pray twice that he doesn't make it. I don't do that. On a serious note, I've been doing a lot of video messages recently for terminally ill children. And only if they request it, obviously. I don't burst into hospitals and go, wake up, baldy. Me twerking on TikTok, look. No, I did a lot through the pandemic, presumably because they couldn't even see their own family. And it's through Make-A-Wish Foundation. Do you know the charity, Make-A-Wish Foundation? They're great, and they give these dying kids there like one wish. And if it's me, I always say yes. And I always start the video the same way. I go, why didn't you wish to get better? What, you're ******* retarded as well? I don't do that either, okay? These are all jokes, all right? I don't even use that word in real life, the R word. You just used it, Rick. Yeah, in a joke. That's not real life, is it? I'm playing a role. You sounded pretty convincing. Yeah, because I'm good. You wouldn't level the accusation at other art forms. You wouldn't go up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go, I saw you in Silence of the Lambs, what's a, you were.