Stop Settling – Get the Man You Deserve

Hey guys, welcome to Heal, Survive and Thrive. Today we have a lot to go over. I'm not going to lie, this is going to be a big one. So get a cup of tea, get your coffee, start your walk, whatever you want to do. I want to talk about getting a different guy the next time around. So I want you to really, because look, we've all been through crappy relationships. And one of the things that I did in the very beginning, when I got separated was, as I reach over to get my little tea right here, one thing that I did was I looked at all of the people that I was in relationships with and I started to list out the things that I genuinely did enjoy about them. And then the things that I never would have gotten from them whatsoever, that in hindsight, I can look back and be like, okay, that was something that I really needed from that person. I just was never going to be able to get that. So I wanted to start really thinking about this guy that I want next. And I don't think we really think about it so much. I think when we're younger, we just go off of like how we feel and we have chemistry or we think he's cute. So we get all excited and we just go through the motions. And then all of a sudden you're like, wait a minute, I'm not happy. I need this, or you're completely toxic, or you're a freak, or you're a workaholic. And then you're unhappy now with this person. So if we kind of took a more adult, mature approach to this, because I genuinely believe that everyone, there is someone out there for everyone. And you will absolutely find someone. That's not what this is about. What this is about is the quality of the person and not just finding one just to find someone because you're wounded, you're lonely, you just want to hurry up and get married, whatever the case is. And I'm telling you, if you don't work on yourself, like I hate to break it to you, or if you're not honest with yourself on what it is that you really want. And I wasn't, I wasn't trying to lie to myself. I just didn't know like the questions to really ask to get myself closer to what's good for me and not just going with the motions of life. Like I was super intentional on the type of person that I wanted to meet this time around. Like I wholeheartedly manifested this relationship, because there's not one box that isn't checked off. And that's the case also for my job. That's the case for the money that I make. That's the case for, you know, the friends that I have now, and we're always setting goals. So I can say, okay, yes, I've been divorced for like 10 years. For those four of those years, I was single, maybe even close to five years, I was single. And then now like four years, and then the rest, I've been in a relationship. But there are still like goals that I've been setting since then, whether it's my business, whether it's buying this house that I live in now, whether it's moving to a totally new town and kind of having to like start all over and like looking for friends, you know, and having that like circle of women friends that I think we all need. So my point is, is that we have to be intentional on what are the things that we want for ourselves. So I think we can all say, well, maybe not all of us. Well, no, I think all of us. I mean, if you're here, then you can absolutely say this, like we have all been with the emotionally unavailable person. We've been with maybe you've been with a person that's just straight up numb, and just doesn't feel at all. So there's a difference between emotionally unavailable and numb. Numb is I just don't feel that's it. I have been with that person. And it's pretty boring. It's pretty boring. You can't there's just like no conversating. It's just as surface level as you can possibly get. Emotionally unavailable is more of I can listen to you. But and you know, listen to your fears, your worries, your insecurities, like all that stuff. You can tell me all of your stories. If I have empathy, then and I'm somewhat healthy, then I'll have empathy for you. If I'm narcissistic, if I'm a psychopath, sociopath, was something like that, then I'm not gonna have any empathy for you. And I really don't care. But or I'll probably actually use all those things against you at one point. But the average emotionally unavailable person is I can sit here and listen to you. But I will never sit here and tell you about me. I will never confide in you. I will never tell you when I'm feeling worried, I'm feeling insecure. And the problem with that is that if you can't talk to someone and relate to them in that way, you're never they're never going to be able to relate to you. So this is not going to be your rock. This is not going to be your soulmate. This is not going to be your best friend because you can't have those kind of real deep relationships with anyone that cannot go there. So what else we have the commitment phobe. I think I've definitely and look, you can have a combination of a bunch of these people together. So I had emotionally I had numb person and commitment phobia person all in wrapped in one. Well, isn't that fun? I mean, in hindsight now, when we look back on some of these people we're in relationships with, like I, what was Steph doing in her 20s? Like she, she, she was just going through the motions, right? I think she was just excited that she found someone attractive and they were into her. Yeah, it's, it's actually sad, but that's okay. You live and you learn, right? So commitment phobe is there's going to be no investment. There's going to be no moving forward. Like we're not progressing the relationship. I'm not telling you. I think I'm like a Mr. Big, right? I'm like sex in the city. To me, that's the commitment phobe of, I just fear relationships. I fear vulnerability, which could also kind of have a little bit of that emotionally unavailable person in there, but there's not going to be marriage. There's not going to be moving in. And if there is any of those things, it's because you pressed it. You pressed it. It wasn't what that person wanted. It was what you wanted. And so maybe it happened, or maybe they just let you go because they just didn't want it. Then you have, I'm going to put this like all into one category, but the player, the love bomber, which I think are kind of like hand in hand, although you can have the player that's just like a jerk, or you can have the love bomber who is just so charming, so charismatic. Then you have like the narcissist. Like to me, those are all like in one area. Then you have like the workaholic, then you have the fixer upper. And what I mean by that is, I think we've all, like, if you're an empath, and if you're highly sensitive, you are going to be the person that wants to save everyone. So you're going to take on projects. So you're going to see someone, and you're going to see potential. So when you start seeing potential, and you're willing to like work with this person, because maybe they have a couple good things, then that is the fixer upper for you. Or it's the person that wants to be fixed up. Like they want the attention. They want the empathy. So maybe a little bit of a covert narcissist, but the fixer upper could be just the person that doesn't have self-esteem, doesn't have confidence, doesn't want more for themselves. They're just kind of blah. So almost like the opposite of the workaholic, the passive aggressive guy, the mama's boy, the mama's boy guy, all of those are just toxic relationships. So I think we can all say that we've at least been with a couple of those people. Okay? What we have to figure out is, and this is what I had to think about in my past is, why did I stay? Healing after a toxic relationship can feel very lonely, but you don't have to do it alone. My group coaching program is designed to give you personalized guidance in a small setting, supportive setting. With only four people to a group, you'll get direct coaching from myself, weekly calls, and 24 seven email support to keep you on track. You are ready to heal, rebuild, and move forward. Join us today. Links are down below. Let's get started. Was I trying to change this person? Did I just not know what I wanted? And for me, so answer that question, but for me, I did know how I wanted to feel, but I couldn't articulate it and how I wanted to feel was not the focus. The focus was I wanted to be in a relationship and I wanted to get married and I wanted to have a baby. I wanted the family because the wound was that I came from divorce and I didn't have those things. So I so desperately wanted that unit and that connection because to me, that unit meant stability and it meant no one's going to leave. So because, and this was the stuff that I was unaware of. And unless you really like dive deep into some coaching or some therapy, you're probably not going to come to that conclusion all on your own, unless you're super highly, you know, self-aware or you just watch a lot of videos like this, you'll eventually come to that conclusion. But even once you get the diagnosis, now you have to actually do the work. So, okay. Diagnose me with all of these things, codependency, traumas, wounds, all that stuff. But now what do I do? So you have all of these emotional wounds. And I talk about this in my nine weeks to emotional healing course, and I'll link that down below. It's a great, great course, super affordable. It'll teach you all of your emotional wounds, where they started, how they show up in your life. And that is really important. You might very well understand. Yep. I have an abandonment wound. I have a daddy issue. Dad left, or, you know, my husband cheated on me and left or, or whatever. My mom always dropped me off at daycare. She was never there for me, you know, during the day or whatever your story is, but it will also teach you how it shows up in your life. And that's important because if you don't know how this wound is affecting your life, then it's going to be really hard for you to change it in real time. So the red flags that I think we all kind of overlook sometimes is the fear of being alone, which is abandonment. I mean, write that down. Exclamation point. If you don't like being alone. Now, let me stop actually before I even go any further. The point of our lives is not to be alone forever. That's not the point. We're human beings. We're here to connect. We're different than the trees. And, you know, I mean, even animals, they, they're in herd, they're in packs, like they're supposed to be together. So, and we're supposed to be together. We're supposed to have people around us. We're supposed to connect emotionally to people. So it's not about being alone for the rest of your life, but it is about knowing how to survive alone. So an animal that will be successful in life is that if it loses its pack, it is okay. It knows how to survive and it will figure it out and survive. We as human beings are a little bit more complicated than that because not, we're not necessarily, you know, hunting for our food like we used to, but we have to know how to take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That is just bare minimum. You don't know how to do that for yourself. Then you will create a ton of problems in your life because number one, you will never be happy. You will never even understand what it feels like to be happy. You won't understand what it means to be happy. So you'll always be searching for this feeling outside of yourself that you should be giving yourself that you don't because you're not even aware of any of these things. And you're searching for other people to give it to you. So when you're searching for other people to kind of fill that void, now you're dependent on other people giving you the things that you need in order to survive, which means you can't survive alone. So the fear of being alone, that's number one. And look, we've watched enough videos at this point to know of how many different examples, and I can attest to this because I am the living example as well, of people that have said, I couldn't have met my partner had I not learned how to be alone. I learned how to be alone. I wasn't like 100% okay with it. Of course, I wanted to meet someone, but I was okay living alone. I was enjoying my life. I was in the flow. I didn't feel like something was really missing, you know, day to day. And I think once you get to that place, that's where the fear is gone and you've kind of settled into what is. You've accepted what is. And when that happens, things start to manifest and happen really easily for you. It's kind of that saying, when you least expect it, it happens. So fear of being alone, abandonment, low self-esteem. Let's talk about low self-esteem. I mean, who doesn't have it, right? Who doesn't feel a little insecure at times? Who doesn't feel like they're good enough at times? I think we can all check the box there. There's a couple wounds. There's emotional neglect. I mean, look, you just didn't get what you needed growing up. That's number one. You also had conditions in your life that were just toxic. So what I mean by that is you don't believe unconsciously, this isn't something that you're consciously thinking, but way in the back of your mind, you don't believe you're actually worthy of something like this because it's never something that you've ever had before. So it's kind of like that learning how to reprogram yourself and learning how to reparent yourself so you can think as highly of yourself as you should. Now, I thought highly of myself and I know you guys do too, but it's the underlining program that's in the back. It's the trauma from the back. It's the unhealed stuff that you had gone through, you have gone through, and the conditioning of your mind to believe this is going to take a long time. What if I don't meet this person? What if it doesn't happen for me? What if I'm that one person that just doesn't meet anyone or doesn't meet anyone good? It's those kind of fear and lack thoughts that start to creep up that keep that conditioning going that I'm just not good enough. So one of the things with healing is being very, very consistent on what it is that you want, affirming who you are, and that being repetition that is constantly going on in your mind 24 hours a day. This is not 24 hours a day because you're going to go to work and you're going to essentially fall asleep and you're going to start thinking just random things. I need to go to Target. I need to get milk. The kids have to get picked up later. Whatever. She said this. I'm uncomfortable here. But when you start to become self-aware, your goal is for you to start feeling good about yourself. So you have to start monitoring your inner conversation. That's it. That's mental toughness. That's emotional maturity. That's mental health. That's self- is you taking responsibility for the thoughts that are going on inside of your head and you being the adult to those thoughts, regardless of how uncomfortable you feel or how much you believe those thoughts to be true. You only believe them because they're thoughts that you think all the time. That's it. Falling in love with potential. This was this was a red flag for me. Falling in love with potential, the fixer upper, overlooking the things that I really didn't want and thinking that things would just change and get better. Severe codependency, severe, unhealed, unresolved trauma that's living inside of you. You see what someone could be and not who they actually are. And this might be coming from a good place, meaning you want to see the best in people. But to be healthy is to go beyond what you want to see and see what's actually in front of you. Because an adult, you have to be logical. A parent can only be a great parent if they're sometimes not as emotional as a toddler, but can be logical to the situation to help the toddler emotionally with what he or she is actually feeling. That's your job. You are an emotional creature. You will always be. You will take things personally. You will feel insecure. But if you can't take a step back and learn how to or start practicing being the adult to yourself, then you're going to get trapped in the emotion of how you feel and you're going to keep the unresolved trauma going. You're going to keep the codependency flowing. If you want a great partner, you have to start with self. So you have to start with yourself. So I am not going to focus on, I mean, you can go on the dating apps, you can go on all those kind of things. And I always encourage people, like don't shy away from those things, even if you're against it or you're just like fed up with it. Do it just for practice. I want you to do it because what's going to happen is the thought is going to start coming in of this is ridiculous. This probably isn't going to happen. This is a waste of my time. And then there's your opportunity to start reparenting, reprogramming your mindset because what you repeat you believe. So if you want to believe that this is a waste of time, then it's going to be a waste of time. If you believe that there's no one good looking in your town, then you're not going to meet anyone that's good looking. I mean, it's just going to keep you going. So the other thing is you absolutely have to heal all of your wounds. I, for a majority of my life, had been very independent, probably too independent, hyper independent, toxic independent. And that's a sign of trauma. It was a sign of being disappointed, being let down, being felt like I was left to my own devices, left myself with no one here to really help or support mentally, emotionally, physically, all of those things. And so you learn how to do by yourself. And then once you get to a really great place where you're doing for yourself and you're kind of flowing, introducing someone into your life that wants to be there and help you is going to feel very uncomfortable and so uncomfortable that you're not going to even realize that you're not allowing anyone to actually really be there for you and love me and love you because you still have those traumas. So you have to heal the fears, all the wounds that are inside of you. So again, we're going to go back to that nine weeks to emotional healing course, that is kind of the stepping stone of where you need to be because you're not going to be able to even rebuild your own self until you understand what your issues are. So like for me, I always knew. So for me, I always knew that I was very independent. And to a certain extent, it's it's a healthy thing. And then it became an unhealthy thing. And learning that line on where it was becoming something toxic, I had absolutely no idea. I didn't realize because of what it was that I was going through that I was deeply wounded. I just thought, okay, I'm surviving. I'm just in survival mode. And I'm just trying to like figure this out. So I'm never in this position again. And that's what a hyper independent person will do is I'm going to rely on myself because I don't want to ever rely on anyone else because I don't ever want anyone else to disappoint me or for me to feel the way that I'm feeling right now. So I'm not going to ask for help. I'm going to do everything myself. For me, I would become resentful when I would do everything myself to anyone that was in my life, I felt like someone should show up or, or someone should do this or say this in order to be there for me. Some people, they don't carry resent, they just kind of become numb, basically. And they just are constantly doing everything themselves. So I had to heal those things. And I absolutely I had to rebuild my self worth. I couldn't get someone amazing if I didn't think that I was amazing. And I knew I was a good person. But there was still that part of me that just didn't feel it at times. And the reason why I didn't feel it is because my ex husband left me for another woman. So the story was way in the back of the mind wasn't something I was consciously thinking every single day, the story in the back of the mind was, look, you weren't enough for someone to stay. You weren't enough for someone to change. You weren't enough for someone to heal. So when that happened, it affected how I did feel about myself, you can't come out of those situations and say no, that didn't affect me whatsoever. You have to really work on yourself. So those things do not affect you affect you going forward. I don't care who you are, I don't care how healthy you are. And you probably weren't even that healthy anyways, because you attracted that person into your life, I had to rewire what I thought love was about, I had to, you know, have a new definition of what a healthy relationship should feel like. So if you grow up with emotionally unavailable people, if you grow up in chaos, if you grow up, you have to look at your upbringing and take the good and the bad, and then adjust it accordingly, and say, what is the type of life and here's the thing, this is sad, I'm gonna stop myself right there. A lot of people don't do this. A lot of people don't do this. And they don't realize why their life is so drama filled dysfunctional, because they're not stopping and pausing and saying, this isn't about blaming anyone, family, any of those things, everyone's doing the best they can. But it is about assessing what it is that I've been through. And what do I want for myself now? How do I want this to look? And look, if you want the fairy tale, then you deserve the fairy tale. And PS, the fairy tale is just your best friend. I mean, you're just looking for your best friend to live life with that you have physical intimacy with. I mean, it's really not as complicated as we make it out to be. Because when you respect your partner, there is no yelling. If you have worked on yourself, and you are solely working on yourself, when I coach couples, there is no the three of us in a room or the three of us on a zoom, that does not happen whatsoever. It's I meet with one partner one day and another partner the other day, and we're working on yourself. We're not working on you telling me all the things that the other person doesn't do, right? We do that once a month. We'll talk about what are the things that you would like to see change in the relationship? How would you want the relationship to look and we start formulating a commitment plan, or a relationship outline of how you both want the relationship to look. And then we work on ourselves in order to get those things. Because if you're working on yourself, and you know how to hang on, hold on to yourself, when you get triggered, when you're feeling insecure, then you don't have fights, you don't have disagreements. If you value what the because that person is there to serve and not be served, then you value that you value that person, you don't want to hurt them, you're not going to be disrespectful, you actually respect them, you don't want to lose them. So you're not going to say things or do things that would ever harm them, then you have a great relationship. So I stopped romanticizing potential, there was no fixer uppers, there was no more, not really looking at a person and being honest with myself. That was not a thing anymore. And I'll tell you, when you start really working on yourself, and then you're comfortable being alone, and you you're flowing like you're in it, and you don't feel like anything's missing you. I had never been at a place in my life. And I always say, I wonder if Ryan played a factor in that, because of course, I was looking for someone, not necessarily a father, because his father's in his life. But looking, obviously, this man was going to be an influence in his life. But I really think even if it was just me, I still would have had those high standards, because I was not willing to accept less. It just it wasn't, it just wasn't anything that I was willing to do anymore. So my boundaries became very clear. And I was totally fine with just going Nope. And it wasn't a defense mechanism of trying to like find things necessarily. It was knowing exactly what it is that I wanted, and being okay with waiting until I was going to get it. And when that happened, my business took off. Also, money started pouring in financial stability. Friends, it started building really great friendships, like everything in my life started to change, because I was happy where I was. And I wasn't scared of where I was going, because I knew I would get there. And I've tried to always live in that space, even in the midst where you just you're struggling. You're working really hard. Nothing's coming to fruition. I've been on the phone with you guys. I've been there myself where I'm like, wait, I'm working hard. I'm doing all the things I'm doing the affirmations. I'm working my tail off as a truck goes by. I'm working my tail off and there's no reward. And that's the test is, are you willing to keep going? Even when there's no reward until you get the reward, like it's not an option to stop. There is no plan B, I am going to see this through. That is, that's just a motivation, a drive. I don't know what the word is. But I think it's also a knowing, like I do understand the concept that if I don't stop, I'm going to get what I want. So if you don't get what I heard this years ago, I want to say like Steve Harvey actually said this. And when I saw the video, it kind of stayed with me. And I was like, it's true, is the only people that don't get what they want are the people that stop. If you don't stop, you will eventually get what you want. Are you okay, though, with it taking as long as it needs to take? And the funny thing is, once you really, really say, yes, I'm okay with that, whatever, whatever timeframe it needs to do, but I'm going to get this, but you do you, that's when things start happening really quickly. And you can't fake it. You have to really, there's just this, and we've all been there. So try to think of that time in your life where you sat back and you really just not gave up, but gave into it. And you let it be. And you just let it go. Then everything started flowing a little easier for you because the resistance wasn't there anymore. So we're going to really heal some stuff. That's step number one. I mean, you absolutely no option that has to happen. Step two, you're going to rebuild your inner self. Rebuilding your inner self has everything to do with your conversation. It has everything to do with self-parenting. I will link that down below as well. If you're interested, that's a great little course that will show you how to basically do this day to day because this is mental health and really starting to think about your life right now, regardless of wanting this relationship. One of the things that I do with my clients is working on all areas of your life, regardless of wanting the guy, the guy will come. And sometimes you don't even really need to think necessarily about what it is that you do want in this guy. I mean, yes, break it down, write it down, make your list, do your vision board, all the things. And I want you to get very specific on the two or three feelings that you want to feel around this person. But what I need you to do is I need you to start focusing on other things and not just this one goal. I want you to think about the other areas of your life, whether it's your physical body, whether it's your relationships, whether it's your friendships, whether it's making more money, starting a business, applying for a new job, going on a trip, because you have to have a full life and you have to put your energy elsewhere. And some of those elsewhere, you're going to have more control over necessarily the relationship piece. You really don't have control over when, you have control over who, but you don't have control over when. So since you don't have 100% control over that, and I mean, most things you don't have 100% control over, but put that on the back burner. As long as you know what it is that you want, and you're working on the belief and staying in alignment with it happening and feeling the feelings of what if it actually was here right now, and that person was in your life. That was something that I practice all the time. How would I feel if this person was actually in my life right now? Would I be thinking about how he's not in my life? No, I would not be doing that. Would I be, you know, texting him or smiling while I was driving? I was so incredibly happy to actually have this person in my life. Yeah, those are kind of the feelings I would be living in. So that's what I mean. Noticing when you're living in, yes, the reality, but you need to shift reality to where you want to be. And when you start focusing on other areas of your life, and those areas start getting good, you don't feel like there's really something missing. Yes, there's still another area of your life that you want to work on, but it's not an area where you just feel like life sucks and life's not getting any better, and I'm really trying and like nothing's happening. It's time to switch your focus. So I hope you guys enjoyed this week's podcast. If you did, don't forget to subscribe on YouTube if you are actually watching this on YouTube and not on Spotify, iTunes, whatever. And if not, I will see you in the next episode. Thanks, guys.