When Jake Met Amy: A Brooklyn 99 Rom-Com

It's time to come home. I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons. Sorry. Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from me! Shell casing's found here. Two shots. Bang bang. Great work, detective. You get a tie. That's mine. You took it from my desk. That's right, Charles. Good solve. Tie for you. Thanks. Now everyone be sure to put those on because it's impossible to solve crimes unless you're wearing a tie. Lay off the captain. That man is going to be my rabbi. Okay, first of all, when you use the word rabbi, you know that turns me on. And that's unfair in the work environment. Fantastic. Three thousand identical blue doors. Looks like we all got door duty. Oh yeah. Number four. Good one. You look great. Whoa! Detective Santiago! Big date tonight. How do I look? Well, I think you look... We can't ask him any more questions until we find his lawyer, and we can't find his lawyer anywhere. I'm sorry. Come on! Why is there pie here? That's not good. I think the world of you as a colleague and friend. Shut up, Peralta. Yep. You're real talkative now that you want our help. Alright, it is possible that I should have brought you guys in sooner, but I just get so excited wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff, you know? I get it. You want to be the best. We all do. You just don't have to be such a butthead about it. Then I... toss the corkscrew out the window and it lands on a passing car. Security cams showed no one driving by at that time, and nothing on the street. Okay, I want in. But I only want to stab you. Fine. A year ago today, Peralta and I made a bet to prove who's a better detective. Whoever makes more felony arrests wins. What a mistake! And don't say money, because I know you're in debt. If you really knew anything about me, you would have said crushing debt, and I'll bet whatever, because there's no way I'm losing. What about your car? That thing is a date magnet. I mean, how many girls have you made out with in that car? Six. Well, I'm gonna win, so sure. Let's bet the car. No, Jakey, no. That car is your superpower. Thor would never wager his hammer. Neil Patrick Harris would never wager his showmanship. Losing that car would be the worst thing in the world for you. Well, what's the worst thing in the world? For you, Santiago, being one of those girls in Jake's car. Okay, okay, okay. Then it is settled. If Peralta loses, Santiago gets his car. If Santiago loses, she goes for a date in said car. Game on. Jake wins. Amy loses. Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes. Yes. She said yes! This is for you. Happy? Oh, yeah. You look like every girl at every bat mitzvah I ever had a crush on. Let's see the bow. Just like Jenny Gildenhorn. Why do I wish you had braces? Should we get you braces? No, that's too much. Here I come. Nice shorts. Thank you. Believe it or not, they were not very expensive. Do I really have to wear this all night? You know the rules. The date starts now and ends at midnight. I decide what you wear, what you eat, and where we go. Oh, and there is one more rule. No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me. Won't be a problem. Hot date coming through. Hey, attention, everyone. Now, I know that tonight is Boyle's big night. But let's forget about that completely for a moment and admire and comment on every terrible aspect of this. Permission to go to the bathroom? Granted. First of three. Use them wisely. First up is the mall photo studio where we'll take our official date portrait. The picture will be the two of us playing one saxophone. Then, some peel-and-eat shrimp for dinner at a dangerously cheap seafood restaurant. And then, I've contracted a youth choir to serenade us. Santiago, Santiago, Santiago, Santiago, you suck so bad. Yes! They'll sing to her at midnight in the middle of Times Square. She and 500 German tourists will savor that memory for all times. Santiago and I will be performing the steerage jig from the film Titanic, which we have prepared for in no way, shape, or form. Romantic. No, embarrassing. M'lady. Do the spinny. I hate your guts. Channel that passion into the dance. So happy to be out of that dress. It was weirdly hot. Oh, yeah, it's probably because it was a cotton and plastic blend. But, not to worry. We're going to catch these guys and get back to the worst date of your life. Mmm, no. Nothing will ever be worse than the date I had with my aunt's dentist. You should try some of this. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, dessert is out of the question. Man, I don't know how Batman does it. It is super scary up here. Hey, will you grab the binoculars? They're in my stakeout bag. Your stakeout bag is 98% nuts. I get snacky. Besides, nuts are super healthy. They're like 0% fat. Jake, that's not true at all. It's actually the opposite. What? That nut vendor lied to me. I think a pigeon just flew out of your car. Yeah, the windows don't exactly roll up. The car's a piece of crap. Why do you love it so much? You really want to know? I was two days out of the academy, super nervous. Saw this guy run out of a bodega, clutching a bunch of cash. So, I pursued him on foot, 11 blocks. Finally catch him, cuff him, throw him up against that car. Turned out there was a for sale sign in the window, and it being the best day of my life, I bought it. Thus began the debt. Crushing debt. You do know me. No. Only if you throw it. Ready? Ready? Check it out. Nice, you got it framed? Of course, it commemorates our victory over the vulture, the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters. I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on Iago, backstabber. I'm surprised you read Othello. What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin. Why do you even care if I leave? Because the vulture is the worst. That whole division is the worst. They steal cases. It's the lowest of the low. So if I transferred somewhere else, you wouldn't care at all? No, of course not. Do whatever you want, you know? Your life. Jake, nice job on the case. Great solve. Thanks. Aren't you supposed to be in the Berkshires? I've had a dental thing. But you're such a good brusher. I know. Turns out that was my undoing. Classic. Yeah. Hey, you remember Teddy? Oh, yeah. Hey, man. How are you? Great solve. Can I buy you a Pilsner? They have awesome Pilsners here. Teddy's really into Pilsners. Cool. Attention! Everyone, raise your glasses to the amazing Jake Peralta. Today, he did the impossible. He closed case 52ABX-32QJ. Peach, peach, peach. Look, the real hero here is the murderer. Because without him, there wouldn't be a case. So, here's to Nate Dexter, the murderer. What's going on with you? For the past two days, you've been telling me how amazing it was going to be to solve this case. This does not look amazing. I don't know, man. I thought I'd be more psyched, too. Maybe I just need a cooler case. No. That is not going to work. You set the precinct record. You weren't happy. You solved an unsolvable case. You weren't happy. No case is going to make you happy. Something's bothering you. And whatever it is, you've got to deal with it. Yeah, well, maybe I can't deal with it right now or, you know, whatever. Oh. That's a tough one. Yeah. That guard by the door will not move. Uh-oh. Just made eye contact with me. Play it cool. Dance, dance, dance, dance. You don't have to say dance every time you make a step. Good call. Hey, do you want me to actually show you how to do this so you don't hurt yourself and possibly others? Yes. Ready? This is kind of fun. Yeah. Maybe Teddy and I should take a class. Yeah. Maybe. Amy. Hey. Thought I missed you. Hey, Jake. Amazing assignment. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. Really? Mm-hmm. Well, if you want, I can help you get fired. I'm really good at it. Yeah. This is real. This is happening. Look, um, I don't want to be a jerk. I know you're dating Teddy, and it's going really well. It's just... What's going on? I don't know what's going to happen on this assignment, and if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this. I kind of wish something could happen between us. Romantic styles. And I know it can't, because you're with Teddy, and I'm going undercover, and that's just how it is, but... Anyway, we're not supposed to have any contact, so I should go. America needs me! Bye. Hey. So, didn't get a chance to say hi. Hi. Hi. Can we talk in private for a sec? Okay. So, now that we are alone, I have to ask, did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus? Oh my God, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp named Hall of Fame, right? Oh yeah. First ballot. I was right up there with Sylvester Stools and Janet Storkmuncher. But, also, I just... I know we left things kind of weird. You know, me saying that I liked you, and... I'm still with Teddy. Romantic styles. Oh. Good. Good, because I was going to say, I know we left things weird, because I said that I liked you, but that was a mistake. You know, I was nervous about going undercover, and I think I just kind of freaked out, and you were nearby, so... I didn't mean it. But, that's great. Good. Hey, so Joe Uterus, what did he do? Killed a bunch of stray dogs. Ah. Got you a drink. Thanks. What is this? Champagne mixed with 30-year-old scotch and top-shelf tequila. Captain said a two-drink max, but he did not set a price limit. Smart. Hmm. Oh God, it's horrible. Yeah, I shouldn't have added the olive juice. Ew! Hey, so listen. The thing I said to you before I went undercover, about how I wished something had happened between us romantically, that wasn't nothing. That was real. What are you saying? I know that you're with Teddy. I'm not trying to change that, and I get there's stuff I can't control. But, this morning I told you that I didn't mean any of it, and that was a lie. I just don't want to hold anything back. Well, thank you for saying that. Just as long as we're clear that I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen. I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen. Name your sex tape. He's back. Pregnant. Nice. Means you had sex. Damn right I did. And I forgot my birth control. Yeah! Yeah. Let me be pregnant. Adorable. Right? I can't believe I lost again. I was so psyched up for this. What happened? Well, maybe being so psyched up is what happened. Like, every time we're doing police work, you're always super smart and you stay calm and take your time. But every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot. My advice? Next time, don't act like a crazy idiot. Thanks. That's surprisingly insightful. Yeah, well, motherhood really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself. Alright. Too much? Yeah. Peralta. What the hell? Where were you? I got eliminated. Excuse me, officer. Yeah, sweetheart. Sweetheart? Seriously, Hank, is that how you talk to women who come in here? Jimmy Jib. I didn't even make it past one person. You're out? I'm in the finals? And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? That's nothing. Hey, don't you dare touch Amy Jr. That's right. It's your baby. Are you saying I knocked you up? You sure did. Jake. Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure thing. Hold that. Sure. Alright, Jake. You want to call off the bet? Seriously? You're going to back out now just because you're losing? What is this, a riverboat casino on the river of no rules? No. I'm giving you a chance to call off the bet because it's clear you don't actually want Katie's number because you're still into Amy. What? That's crazy. I just spent the whole day fighting for another girl's number. I spent the whole day flirting with Amy. Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on. Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all. Fine. Easy. When I beat you, which victory dance should I do? This one? Or this one? Oh, wow. Okay. Both are examples of victory dances. No comeback? After I burned you with those moves? You must be pretty nervous. Yep. The Serbian president's plane is wheels up. Report to your motorcade positions immediately. Let's go! Hey, you gave it a good try. Sorry you lost. No, it's for the best. I let Amy win. Close! Close! Close! Close! You're right. I'm not over her. Oh, hey. I hope this is cool with you, but since we're not technically on duty until tomorrow morning, I invited Sophia to join me upstate. The B&B we're staying at looks really nice. It's almost like it's haunted by fancy ghosts. I don't mind at all. It's actually really cute of you. Teddy's never done anything that spontaneous or romantic. That's not fair. He did brew me a rose-infused pilsner once, but it tasted like hand lotion and the bubbles didn't happen. Sounds bad. Try to be in the lobby in about a half an hour. I got you a little surprise. No. Your surprises are always terrible. What's going on? You have to tell me. You're gonna love this. Remember how you said that Teddy would never be so romantic as to turn a work trip upstate into a lover's retreat to the country? Oh, no. Oh, yes. I called him before we left. He's on his way here now. Uh, you're welcome. Jake, I don't want to see Teddy right now. I'm about to break up with him. Oh, no. You're boring. No, that's too harsh. This is why I wanted to write it down. Can I maybe just have two hours alone with my laptop so I can type up a draft? Great idea. In the meantime, we can just chat. You know what? We should go. No, actually, I think you should stay so we can all talk about the real reason there's a problem in my relationship with Amy, which is you, Jake. The what now, huh? About how you told her that you liked her before you went undercover. You liked Amy? Um, I did, but that was many moons ago. Was it? Because I know for a fact you also told her when you got back. And every time you would, she would get confused, and then our relationship would get out of sync. And if you ask me, I think it's because Amy liked you back. Did you? Maybe. Yes. A little. I mean, I was confused, and I really need my laptop right now. You know what? This is officially too much for me, so I'm going to go upstairs and rip the heads off some dolls. Good night. I'm going to leave too. If you'd please leave my toothbrush and my homebrewing kit at the doorstep, I'll pick them up tomorrow. Well, I guess that's the last time I invite Teddy on a trip, right? Drama! I'm going to go. Yeah, me too. Claire, if we catch this guy in the next 15 minutes, we can still make the wedding. So what's your opening line going to be with Jenny Gildenhorn? I was thinking I'd go with Jamie Gordonhorn. You know, make it seem like I haven't been staring at her on the internet for the past 20 years. Or you could call her by her real name. Girls like that. I don't know. I think girls like being deceived. Now. Claire. So, you're really okay with me and Jenny Gildenhorn, huh? Totally. Stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that. I know, but that was before you saw me in this dope-ass tux. I mean, you must be freaking out. Oh, I am. I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them. I know you're making fun of me, but that sexy voice is kind of getting me going. So, we have good news and we have great news. The good news is, we found the ring. The great news is, we'll never lose it again. What are you trying to say? The ring is stuck on his finger. I told him not to be cute about it. I'm cute about everything. Okay, okay. What do we do? I could pull the ring off, but it might hurt your little fingers. That's fine. I just won't look, so I don't know when you're going to do it. Jenny, no! Aaaaaah! I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. How is this song playing? Hey. Sorry you missed your chance with Jenny Gildenhorn. It's not a big deal. She's just a girl that I've been obsessed with since I learned what love was. Well, we got the bad guy today. Thank you for helping me. And I know it's not Jenny Gildenhorn, but if you wanted to slow dance tonight, I know somebody who'd be into that. Okay. Perfect. This is Gina's great aunt Susan. Cut. She's been asking about you all night. She thinks you're very handsome. Says you have a dancer's frame. Well, you have a good eye, m'lady. Shall we? Ah, you. She's very handsy. Milo, this is my friend Jake. We're working a case together. Yeah, and this is my friend Dave. We're friends. I'll have a... Oh, no. You don't order here. Milo makes you a drink he knows you'll love, and then you love it. Really? Interesting. Barrel-proof bourbon neat. Orange soda chaser. Ah, well, to the first of many hangs. Yeah, totally. Listen, the reason I brought you here is I want to ask you, what's the deal with Santiago? Amy? I don't know. Did she do something weird? No, no. She's great. I just want to know if there's something going on with you two, you know? Are you together? Oh, no. Cool. When this case is over, I'm going to ask her out. Oh. You're going to ask out Amy when the case ends? Perfect. Oh. Yeah, that's a sipping whiskey. Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Privately? Uh, sure. Oh, wait. This isn't going to be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from Holt and it's just that video of screaming sheep. I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank. So, what's up? Okay. Um, I almost feel weird saying this, but I wanted to ask you... Wow, those pictures are not helping. Oh, my God. They're really going to have to re-grout. Ugh, finding a contractor. You are so consistent. Anyways, the question I wanted to ask you is... So, I got the results on that feces. It's human, but it's not all human. You're not Dr. Gassner? We are not. Can you give us a sec? Sure. Real quick. What was the other... It's dog and bear. Wow. I'd really be into that feces puzzle. Normally, yes, but I want to talk to you about something else right now. More specifically... Guys, dispatch just called. Great. Dave's here now. The check-cashing baby just struck on Flatbush. We gotta go. Lead the way. What did you want to tell me? Oh, um, Captain Hull sent a very important text. Oh. Why'd I have to solve the case? Why couldn't I have just let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl? You're a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that. I'm not a good cop. I'm an amazing cop, and I'll never forgive myself. The case is over. Amy and Majors are on their way to the keychain right now. It's too late. Has she done the double tuck yet? When Amy really likes a guy, she gets nervous and tucks her hair behind both ears at the same time. Well, I can never unsee that. But, no, she has not done that yet. Then there's still time. What happened? Well, I thought we were getting a drink to celebrate closing the case, but apparently he thought it was a date. Right. And you were not into that because he's so muscular and in command of his finances? He's great, but after everything that happened with Teddy, and all the cops I know who go out and break up and then still have to work together, it's just too messy. I got a new rule. I don't date cops. Cool. Cool, yeah. Actually, that's funny. I have the same rule. No more cops. From this point on, it's strictly dating criminals. If you break up with them, you can always send them to jail forever. Exactly. Nice and clean. Hey, I got an email from the commissioner's office about our case. What'd they say? You got me with my thing. Great. Why is he getting out here? I thought your C.I. said the drop was happening in a park. Maybe he's having dinner with his side piece first. Augustine has the laptop with him. We should just arrest him right here. No. The buyer's the bigger caller. We gotta follow him in and wait for the handoff. Okay. If you're going in, I've heard this place has an amazing bone marrow custard. Not that I've ever had a bad one. No. Alright. Let's go. No, wait. We look like cops. We're never going to blend in dressed like this. Um, okay. There. How's that? Uh, I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob. You look fine. Here, wear this. Jake, you need a jacket or something. Table for two, please. I'm so sorry. There's nothing available. We're totally booked up. Oh, no. That's horrible. Tonight's a really important night for us. Johnny and I just got engaged and this is where our first date was. Oh, yeah. It would mean so much to Dora and me. I would have made a reservation, but I didn't know if she was going to say yes. Oh, I love how nervous you were, you little goose. You were just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers. Yeah. We are lovers. Together. In beds. Okay. So, how did you know she was the one? Oh, I'd love to answer that. Um, you know, just whenever I look at her face and the attached physique. And you? Uh, he makes me laugh. And, you know, there's really no one else's opinion who I care about more than hers, so. Okay, so enough tit-chat. Let's see the ring. I don't have it on me. She has gigantic fingers. Good luck on your wedding, guys. Oh, have fun on your honeymoon. We will. We're going to Waco, Texas. Okay, bye. Bye. Look, there's the buyer. Or maybe he's just actually saying hi to the chef. Why isn't he making the handoff? Oh, crap. He saw us. Excuse me. Oh, hey. We were just looking for a place to, uh... Boink. Yep. Boink. That's my preferred term for it as well. I get it. Really engaged kids. Enjoy. Thanks. Good. Good, good, good, good. Kept our cover intact. Nice work. Quick professional thinking out there. Very quick. Very professional. Detective? Detective. Let's get back on the case. Guys, you know, I'm actually a little bit hungry. I never ended up eating at that dumb, fancy restaurant. Know what I'm getting on my way home? Yeah, you're going to go to the Polish place and get pierogies, potato pancakes, and a cup of hot chocolate. That's exactly what I'm going to get. Yeah. I will be having pizza. Two slices of Meat Supreme from Tony. Served display temperature. Meat Supreme is a million red flags, and eating it cold is just insane. No, no, no. It's not cold. It's display temperature. Jake. There's a difference, Amy. No. Jake, he's looking at us. Well, this is happening. Huh? NYPD, freeze! We are police colleagues! You're under arrest! This is a work event! Hey. Thought I might find you in here. I just needed to process the captain's news. I feel so bad for him. So how are you holding up? I don't know. I'm still in shock. You? I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving. Just repressing the hell out of it. So a lot of change around here, huh? Hey, Jake! The new captain's here! I know you said you don't want to date cops, but I really like you. I like you too. Good. But what if we start dating and it makes things weird at work? So let's just keep it light and breezy. See where it goes. So, here we are. Officially on a date. Romantical date. Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues. Dating. You got a haircut. It looks nice. Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut. At some point in your life, I'm sure. That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But, uh, yeah, you look very nice. Domo arigato. Do you speak Japanese? No. Oh. Uh, sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward. Yeah, me too. How do we make it not weird? I know. Let's just get super drunk. Yes. Great idea. Pardon me, ma'am. Could you please bring us four kamikaze shots? And four for me as well. Ah, I like your style. See? We can do this. We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy. So, we broke a rule. Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake. Hope it wasn't a mistake. Title of your sex tape. Title of our sex tape. So, how was the date with the floozy? We are not leaving these seats until you give me some deets. Alright, fine. It started off a bit rocky, but it ended up being really fun. Did you kiss? Did you French? Boyle, I'm not going to answer that. And no one over the age of 12 says French. Oh, that's a yes. Oh my God, you had sex. I can tell because you're glowing. Jake, no one wants to hear about your sex life. You just asked me repeatedly. Because I was rooting for you and Amy. But now I can see you're super serious about this anonymous gym seductress. I'm so sorry, Amy. It doesn't matter to me. I would never date Jake. I work with Jake. I'd love to see you date someone from work. Your head would explode. Your head would explode because of how well I would handle it. Sick burn. Yeah, I'm trying to find some evidence. I'm just going to look in here. Another perfect cover. Two for two. Nailed it. Alright, I talked to Dozerman and convinced him to outlaw all personal talk at work. We're in the clear. And everyone hates you for that. But this is totally working and no one knows. I know. It's the best. And you know what? I'm glad we broke the rule and had sex on the first date. Me too. Because we're, like, really good at it. So good, right? Stupid good. It makes no sense. We're light and breezy. If we want to break rules, we break rules. Like, what's another rule we could break? No making out at work. Okay. That's very flattering, Amy. But there are some rules that I shall never break. Let's go. Okay. You two have been in this evidence locker for... Hey! What? Nothing. Nothing. You were just making out with Peralta. There's that candy bar wrapper I was looking for. Oh, Santiago, what are you doing here? So I guess it is hoes before chose with you, friend. So, everybody knows about us now, which means all the rules have been broken and nothing bad happened. Nothing bad happened? Terry yelled at us and we killed our captain. Jake, is this a bad idea? It seems like the universe is sending us a lot of signs that we should hit the brakes. It hasn't exactly been light and breezy. Yeah, it's been a little more stressful and deathy. You have to admit, it hasn't started out great. What do you want to do then? Go back to being colleagues? Yeah. Maybe that's what it needs to be right now. Okay. No, no, no, no! This is not how you and Amy are supposed to end! You're supposed to grow old and die holding each other as your cruise ship slowly takes on water. What do you want me to say? We tried really hard. We made rules. We kept it light and breezy. Light and breezy? Ow! Light and breezy is how you describe a linen pantsuit, not a relationship you care about. We were just being cautious. Cautious? Ow! You guys started this with one foot out the door. That's what doomed you, not the universe. That actually makes a lot of sense. Ow! I was agreeing with you! I'm sorry, I'm just so excited about all this! All right, so what do I do? Tell me. Easy. You march over there, you tell her how you feel, and you bring a fancy bottle of lavender shampoo because shampooing a woman's head is the most erotic thing you could ever possibly... No, no, no shampoo. That's the worst. But I am going to go over there. I'm going to tell her how I feel. Yeah, you go get her. No! Wait till it starts raining. No, that's crazy! Go now! Okay. Ah! Sorry. That's okay. Hey. I was home, and I really wanted to talk to someone about us, and Dozerman, and about Hope being gone, and then I realized that the only person I want to talk about that stuff with is you. So, screw just being colleagues, and screw light and breezy. Right? Definitely. Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night. Pillow talk alert! Set the scene. Spooning or face to face? Charles. Spooning. Anyway, we came up with a plan. Jake is going to befriend the vulture so he lays off of us. It's true. I'm going to bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of the week. Look, Jake, I know that you and Santiago are trying to take me down. You guys go home, you lay in bed together, you plot against me. Well, no longer. I want you to dump Santiago, and that's an order. What? You can't do that. It's completely against the rules. Okay, Sonia Sotomayor. I would never break the rules, but what I could do, for totally unrelated reasons, is have you busted back down to a beat cop. No. Don't do that, alright? I can learn to love nip slips. No, you either love them or you don't. It's too late. You dump Santiago or you kiss that detective badge goodbye. What? He's ordering us to break up? Look, we can deal with this. We just need a new plan. I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, and then date in secret. Great. And you'd be okay lying to your captain? Okay, new plan. Captain Holt is here today. Yes! Genius! He loves us, and he's got tons of sway in the department. He'll tell the Vulture to back down. Yeah, he'll be all, Vulture, I must insist that you desist. I really think this is gonna work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that. Oh, okay. Duly noted. Super disturbing, but I'm definitely gonna do it. I know how much you love hot gas, so you've probably heard Amy and I have been dating. And we would love your approval. No. But that's not what this is about. It sure is not. Sir, the Vulture is out of control. All right? He told me if I don't dump Amy, he's gonna demote me. You gotta help us. Let me stop you right there, Peralta. I'm not the chief of detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR. But we thought— I can't save your ass. I don't work here anymore. And the sooner you accept that, the better. I've got a new plan. Pretend like we're talking. We are talking. Exactly. It's working already. Now I'm going to coolly run my hands through my hair. Look where my elbow's pointing. It's Davis Garman, chief of detectives. Holt said he could overrule the Vulture. Exactly. The only question now is, will he believe us? Yes. Because we're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book. The big book of small butts? What? That's the only thing I've ever seen him read. No. We're gonna secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garman. Then— We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other. You get to keep your job. Yes, that. So listen, remember when you said to me that I have to dump Santiago, or else you're gonna bust me down to beat cop? What I remember, Jake, is you pretending to be my bro. And me being like, I'm onto you, dillweed. Sorry, could you say that one more time? I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes. One second. Excuse me, could you stop playing that? I'm just trying to have a conversation. I'm warming up, man. Sorry. Yeah, I know. We just need two minutes. No can do. The funeral's about to start. Everyone wants to hear me honk, so— Do you really need to warm up, though? I mean, you're just gonna make a terrible wall of sound. First of all, that's offensive to me as half-Scottish. Second of all, you think you could do better? Blow my bag. Look, we just need a couple of minutes to chat. That's it. I'm not gonna stop playing until you blow it. All right, just give it to me. Yeah. Prepare to hear me play the bagpipes perfectly. Okay. Point proven. Yeah, I think I've heard just about enough of this catfight. I'm out. Wait. Captain? Sir? Your boyfriend? Sorry, um, your ex-boyfriend is pathetic. You should be glad that I ordered him to dump you. Swish. Colby. Got it. Yes! You're amazing! Chief Garvin, wait. I just need to play you one quick recording of my boss. That's not cool, Jake. Well, we were just taking a page out of your book. Yeah. What are you gonna do next, huh? You gonna start wearing leather bracelets? Good luck pulling off that chunky B with those skinny little girl wrists of yours. Congratulations, you're no longer a detective. You're a beat cop again. I just crushed your dreams. I fixed your problem with the Vulture. Really? I may just be a guy in PR, but what does the Vulture love more than anything? Garbage pail kids? No. Publicity. Captain Pembroke, how would you like your face on the NYPD website? Really? Yes! Yes! In exchange for media attention, the Vulture will not bust you down or stand in the way of you two dating. Sir, I don't know how to thank you. Anything for the nine-nine. Thank you, sir. He totally improves on us. Ames, you're two minutes late. I called all the emergency rooms. I know. I went home from your place to shower and I'm so tired that I fell asleep while shaving my legs. But we went to bed so early. Property Brothers was over at ten. I mean, sex. We do it. She's tired from all the doing it. Who are you talking to? Precinct. Come on, man. Yeah. No, I was up all night because your dumb, lumpy mattress is so uncomfortable. What? But I gave you the good lump. Please stop talking until I finish eating my coffee. Ooh, a lover's quarrel. No, I'm just tired. I didn't ask for part two. Never fear, Amy, for I have the solution to all of your problems. Highly potent liquid speed. Oh, you're gonna love that stuff. Devin, we're cops. Read the room. But I know you'll be excited because I busted Devin here with four vials of this. It's called Taxi because it's yellow and it takes you where you need to be. Drug dealers have gotten so creative. It used to just be crack and then they'd be like, Hey, we got a new one. What are we gonna call this? And they'd go, I don't know, crank? This is certainly worth following me up on. Santiago, take Boyle and work the case. Oh, but Jake, I mean, Detective Peralta brought in the perps, so... Good point. Uh, Peralta and Boyle can work the case. Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together. Oh, are you two no longer... Smooshing booties. Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence. Figured. We are still dating. It's all above board. HR gets daily updates and our BCCed on all our emails to each other. That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me. As a rule, I don't put couples in the field together. But you are two of my best detectives, so I will allow it. Just don't let any personal issues distract you from your work. You have nothing to worry about. There's no personal issues here. We've never even had a fight. It's true. Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shorts was. Really? Never heard of the Puzzle Master. Is this who you want to be with? I shouldn't get involved. Good luck with the case. Thank you. So, I marked all the corners where Taxi has been spotted on this map. You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob. This looks great. Confirms Devin's story. He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob. He said he'll point him out to us, so you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devin will be in an unmarked car here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Me and Devin? Didn't you mean Devin and I? Oh, God. I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny? I'm just really tired. Leave me alone. Don't you mean leave I alone? No, that one felt wrong. I guess we're equally bad at grammar. I'm not bad at grammar. I'm exhausted because you refused to get a new mattress. Alright, why don't you just get a new back? I didn't mean that. We're not fighting. We can totally work together. We're fine. Yeah, that wasn't a fight. That was just sexy workplace banter. Exactly. I mean, mattresses are also sexy, because that's where you do it. Yeah, and grammar is a system of language involving syntax and semantics. Also sexy. Okay, okay. Mattresses are expensive, but they're an investment. It's going to be in your life for a long time. True, but it's also still just a mattress, you know? It's a lot of money to spend on a rectangle that's filled with springs and goose hair. You know it's feathers. I didn't. And it would be money well spent, because it would allow me to actually sleep in your bed. But I already have a mattress. It just doesn't seem worth it. Okay. Well, to me, it sounds like you're saying I'm not worth it. So, I'm going to go sleep in my grown-up mattress that I bought this century, and you're not invited. Morning. You look well-rested. Yes, because I slept in my own bed. I was tossing and turning. Jake told me about your fight, and I'm so worried about you two. Thank you, Charles. What do I have to do? Buy the mattress myself? Done! Problem solved. It would make him so happy. Proud to have a seat. I believe this might help. When Kevin and I first started dating, he taught at a small college upstate. It was two hours away by train or bus, but only 30 minutes by car. Is this another one of your riddles? You wrote to work on his shoulders one set of footprints. No. Okay. Neither of us owned a car, and I didn't want to buy one because that would mean admitting that I cared for Kevin. He had the same fear, and so visits were rare, and I was miserable. Then one spring day, Kevin showed up at my door, having purchased Gertie. He took the leap, and I'm so grateful that he did. I only regret that I didn't do it first. Do you understand? Absolutely. 100%. The train is your old mattress. Yeah. The car is your new mattress. I got it. Kevin is you. I'm Santiago. Loud and clear. 100%. Amy Santiago, I want to change mattresses for you. That's the best thing I've ever heard. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I think I was just scared that you were going to realize you're way better than me. Like, you're Orangina, and I'm orange soda. Are you kidding? You're Orangina? Ugh, don't say that. Look, I was scared too. I'm going to call my mom tonight. Okay. Cruise itineraries! Hot off the laminator. Who's ready for some nonstop, totally scheduled fun? Oh. I actually thought we could just sit by the pool, eat unlimited shrimp, and see what it does to our bodies. That's cute. I don't know if there's going to be time, though. The cruise offers 77 activities, and I signed us up for 76 of them. Speed dating for widows seemed like a bummer. Okay. So, slightly different perspectives going into this cruise. Call it the slug life talking, but I think it's going to work itself out. Goodbye, co-workers, or as they like to say at sea, I brought you here because I'm in peril. Peril? Don't put my peril. Somebody's trying to kill me, and I need protection, so I sent for my best friend. I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy. Get that through your head. It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple. Whatever, Judy. You're under arrest. You can't arrest me, boo. We're in international waters, which is also why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome to the high seas. No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now. Judy's right. We have no jurisdiction. Technically, this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan. Uh-oh. Your girl knows about the Uzbeks. Oh. But the captain can have him arrested. He has total authority on this boat. Perfect. I just need him locked up until we get back to New York. Can't you just throw him in boat jail? It's called the brig. He is my best lounge singer, and I need to keep people distracted. Just between us, we're nearly out of ranch dressing. On day one? These people are animals. I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats. Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable. You're scrappy and lovable. Together, you're just lovable and lovable. Okay. Thank God you were the emperor, Alta. I know you wouldn't let your best friend die. I'm still going to arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead. Whatever you got to tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell. Tell me about it. Every time we get emotional, he's like, nice, smart. Okay, can we focus up here? If you like pina coladas, get caught in the rain. You two are looking good. Really? I kind of feel like I'm Jimmy Buffett's tennis coach. No, it's working. You know I had a major crush on Magnum P.I. Major. Oh, should I grow a mustache? Yeah, you should. Thank you for doing this. I love you. Nice. Smart. I love you, too. Also, I think this is definitely a dance class for widows. No, I don't think so. No? Now turn to your partner and tell them how your spouse died. Yeah, we should get out of here. Are you sure? Yes. Okay. What's this case? Oh, this is at work. It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting. It's very thorough. Just relax. She's going to love you. You're both strong, accomplished women that have seen me naked. I used to be so good at meeting grown-ups. I'd just sing Itsy Bitsy Spider flawlessly and ride that wave till bath time. Now, it's anybody's guess. All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny, but you have to try and remember that we're still at work. Do you want me to quiz you? Oh, God, yes. Wow. Okay, great. Thanks for bringing Roger back. You're very welcome. Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her too harshly for all the weird singing. Oh, no. I'm dating my son of a bitch ex-husband. Who am I to judge? I think she's really great. I think you're really great, too. She's very good at lip-reading. I wouldn't say I'm very good. I mean, deaf people, they're the real talents. Just can't stop. I'll let you guys talk. I'll just close my eyes. Hold hasn't seen Kevin in, like, months, and I was just thinking if that was me and you, it would make me really sad. Oh. That's actually super sweet. Plus, there's this big fat binder full of instructions and rules. There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot? How about I just leave you two alone? Okay. We'll start south of Nevin's. You two start at Bond, and we'll rendezvous in the middle, assuming, of course, Boyle and I haven't already caught all the fugitives by the time you two show up. Amy, there are nine hardened criminals running free in the streets. This is hardly the time for childish trash talk. It's time for a bet. A crazy-ass bet. What are you thinking? Whoever catches the most fugitives gets to keep their apartment. Loser moves in with the winner. All right, I'm in. I hope you like sleeping in a bed with a thousand pillows. Well, I hope you like sharing my one gray towel. Was it gray when you bought it? I didn't buy it. It was in the apartment when I moved in. Are you sure you don't want to just move in with me? We already shook on it. The bet stands. Prepare to die, and by die, I mean move in with me. Here we go. NYPD, freeze! NYPD, keep your hands where we can see them! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Why did you stop? I'm done. You win. What? I love you. I want to move into your apartment. Really? I love you, too. Oh, my God. What a beautiful moment. And you guys, Amy's ovulating as we speak. What? Charles! All right, head to the back. You're going to jail. Hey, I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win? I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda rights, I just looked over at you and thought, you're awesome, and you're good at doing things. I mean, sure, I'll miss Towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet. Are you sure about this? Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? It smells like home. Oh. He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles. Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's guns to think about the Turtles. Yeah, I'm guns to Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy. Yeah, Terry. Why is Amy's hair like that? Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous because she's taking the sergeant's exam today. But Amy loves tests. Not this one. It's always been her plan to be the youngest captain in the history of the NYPD, but if she doesn't pass this exam, she's going to have to wait another three years to take it again, and that'll disrupt her entire life calendar. Is that a real thing? It hangs over our bed. So she's stress braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago panic scale. Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two. Creepily singing songs from the Great American Songbook. You're a grand old flag, you're a high-flying flag. So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us. Why are you taking so long to cook my frickin' oatmeal? Ah! Yep. Ah! There you are. Thank God. Hey, how'd you find me? January 14th, 2014. Detectives Peralta and Santiago conducted surveillance from a rooftop at 397 Barton Street. This is where we came the night I won our bet and you fell in love with me. Jake. The night that you flirted with me for 20 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever. Ready? I'm sorry I freaked out and ran away. Things are so good right now. I don't want to screw that up by getting transferred or becoming your boss. Ames, I've always known you were going to be my boss. I mean, this is your dream from before we were dating. And yeah, things might change a little, but for the better, right? You can finally get premium cable. Check out all those shows on Epix. Look, you can't be afraid to be successful. You're too good for that. I love you. Love you, too. What else? Oh, you're never going to believe this. I've been reading. Reading? Like books? By real authors? I don't know. Is Philip Roth a real author? Oh, my goodness. I wish you had gone to prison years ago. I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not more attracted to you now than before. So what else have you been reading? Oh, hang on one sec. Hey, boss, what's up? I saw you get Wilson fired. Nice work. Welcome aboard. Thank you. I promise you, you won't regret it. Nope. Just one more thing. I know you used to be a cop. If you screw me over, I will cut your testicles off and watch you bleed to death in the dirt. You got that? Can I trust you? Yeah. I got nothing to hide. I'm your beef, baby. Sorry about that. Where were we? Jake, that sounded really bad. Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine. I'm talking to you. How was your first stint in solitaire? It was nothing. I held it together. Oh. Amy, when did you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl. Oh, lost a boobie. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes! Some of you have asked me what got me through prison. Was it my family? Don't be stupid. Was it knowing that my friends would eventually get me out? Of course not. I never believed in any of you. No, the only thing that kept me sane was planning for the Halloween heist those many years doing hard time. It was eight weeks. I also went to prison, dog. We're getting off track here. One of the handmaids, I'm assuming Fake Charles, took my safe and then, of Amy, deposited a look-alike. What did you give Fake Charles so he'd help you? Nothing. In fact, he gave me something. The power of financial freedom. I invested in a pyramid scheme. There's no time to go into it right now. Okay. So, while we all tried to figure out who had the real key, Fake Charles broke into the safe, removed the tracker, and led Terry and the whole squad on a wild goose chase. My only question is, which box is the belt in? Well, good luck figuring it out, because the clock is tick-tick-tocking. It's that one. No! The dust pattern on top doesn't match its neighbors. You see, Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability to surprise me. You're just plain boring. Again, weird take on our very loving relationship. And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human-slash-genius. Yeah. Although, you might want to read the inscription on that there belt. Why? Oh, no. What does it say? Amy Santiago, will you marry me? Surprise. I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now. I'm so confused, I don't know what's happening right now. Title your sex tape. Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. Title your sex tape. Wait. Is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard. No, please, Ames. Look, it's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist. I promise. This is real. It is? Yeah. Okay, here goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should have written this down first. No, no, it's okay. Go on. I love how much you pretend to, like, die hard. I like the second one. You don't have to. Okay. Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt. I love yours, too. Gross. Amy Santiago, will you marry me? Jake Peralta, I will marry you. I love you so much. Hey, jerkos. This little tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... Did you just... Mm-hmm. And did you say... Mm-hmm. To Jake and Amy. Great stuff, great stuff. So, since Peralta altered the cummerbund, no one really won the heist this year. Is that what everyone's thinking? Captain. Right, right. Sorry, not the time. I'm so happy for you both. Technically, there was no winner. Continue. Hey, Gina just texted me. She said, weird, I didn't even realize they were dating. JK, so happy for you bitches. So, Jake, tell us everything. Did you call Amy's dad first? I actually did. Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me. But, since it's 2017, I am not asking for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong, independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off! Aw, that was perfect. What did he say? I have no idea. I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him. Not to talk out of turn, but I think I get credit for giving Jake the idea to propose. How's that? Remember? A day in the kitchen. So, what I'm saying is, vanilla yogurt is good, but pair it with a blueberry yogurt, and both of them taste even better. Get it? Yes. I did not get it. But, speaking of yogurt, you've eaten six GPS devices this week. You should definitely see a doctor. What? Look, Sarge, I think everyone knows that I planted the idea in Jake's head eight years ago. Oh, hi. I'm starting today. Detective Santiago. Oh, Detective Peralta. Welcome aboard. I'm hearing wedding bells. Hi, Detective Boyle. It actually really slowed things down. It took like four years for me to forget that memory. Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy. Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th. There's a typo in this crossword puzzle. I don't get it. Seems pretty normal. I don't know what to tell you. That's just when I knew. Romantic epiphanies are dope. Thank you, Rosa. They are dope. Yes, dope. Congratulations. I'm so happy you two are getting married. We're getting married. And no one won the heist. Get over it, you jag. Yeah, you jag. Please be seated. Friends. Colleagues. Gawking New Yorkers. We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I've known you both for the last five years. And it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I'm sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I'm proud of you. And I love you both. Permission to say it back? Permission granted. Love you too, sir. Love you, Captain. Now, I believe you've prepared your own vows. Yes. I was going to do an Addams Family-themed wrap, but my beatboxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you, and I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end. Okay, well, I've been planning this wedding for the last six months, and if you told me yesterday everything that was going to go wrong, I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER. But I'm here, and I've never been happier. Life is unpredictable. Not everything's in our control, but as long as you're with the right people, you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well. What? Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors. I love you so much. You're my dream girl. I love you, too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Ring bearer, please bring the rings. But I thought Cheddar was sick. Oh, my God! You got the robot! There's a robot at my wedding! Yeah, I felt bad about how everything went down today, so I offered to help. Oh, that's nice. Also, are you guys doing the thing where someone gets to object to this union, or is that later? We're not doing that. You've outsmarted me. Congratulations. Okay, moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband? I do. And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife? I absolutely do. By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.