Neel Kolhatkar | PHALLUS GIGANTUS | Full Special 2025

Can you please put your hands together and make some noise? It's Neil Colhacker! Hello. Oh, Sydney, how we doing? We good? Yes, alright. Now, a lot of people say white men have a lot of confidence. And I think I've finally figured out why white men have so much confidence. Because no matter what you look like as a white guy, an Asian woman will always marry you. Yeah. You can be short, bald, fat, you go to Asia, you become a sexy Buddha for some reason. I was just in Thailand, let me tell you, there was a lot of blokes that looked like Jack Black walking around with the confidence of Leonardo DiCaprio. Coming back home with a submissive 22-year-old Asian wife. You never see the reverse, do you, you know? 60-year-old divorced Sharon is never coming back from the Philippines with five-foot-two Lung Tuk. Her conservative Asian boyfriend. That's the true story of globalisation. Asia shipped all its low-quality exports to us, now we're shipping all our low-quality men to Asia. Men who can finally find a wife who speaks English at the same level as them. White baby boomers marrying the granddaughters of the blokes they killed in Vietnam. We've got a white male Asian woman right here in the front row. Let's go. Let's go. Oh, Asian women, they love nerdy white men, don't they? It's never the successful nerd, is it, you know? It's never Steve Jobs, it's always Steve in-between jobs. Like, I get it, you know, Asian men, they can't grow facial hair, doesn't mean you have to date every white boy with a neckbeard. They're the true white supremacists. Asian women. I reckon you go to a Ku Klux Klan meeting, unmask them, it's just a bunch of Asian girls. There's a reason those sheets are so perfectly dry-cleaned. And look, I can't talk, you know, I can't talk, because I'm an Indian man. And no-one gives white women an inflated sense of confidence more than Indian men in the DMs. Because no matter how low you feel as a white girl, Rajesh will be there... ..with a misspelt marriage proposal... ..asking for bobs, virgin and $5,000. That's the exact moment a white woman becomes a Karen. She looks in her Instagram inbox and there's no more messages from Indian men. So she takes it out on the poor McDonald's worker... ..who probably is an Indian man. People say to me, Neil, you're such a white girl, Neil, you're such a white girl. Because I'm into meditation and spirituality and yoga. They're like, oh, you're such a white girl. I'm like, do you know where that stuff came from? What, do you think they invented yoga in Byron Bay? I'm not a white girl, Stephanie, you're one turmeric chai away from being an Indian man, how about that? You guys are a good crowd, you know. Sometimes you don't always perform to good crowds. Often I'll perform to a lot of inner-city corporate crowds and I feel like they want to laugh but they've got HR at the back of their head. How to laugh at this? I don't know. That's why I love performing out in the country. You know, give me an audience full of mullets and Southern Cross tattoos any day. Because they know how to laugh at a race joke. Look, I don't know if they support me being in the country, but they support my comedy and I'm OK with that. Like, I'm a bit of a freak, right? I like rough comedy. You know how some people like rough sex? I like rough comedy. Some girls are like, if I know this guy respects me, I want him to call me a slut. I'm like, if I know this guy respects me, I want him to call me a curry muncher. Like, don't yell it at me from a car, no. That makes me feel dirty and violated. Get to know me. Buy me a drink. Make eye contact. Touch me, not too much. And then later in the night, if I'm feeling myself, you can make an Uber joke. That's how it works. Those are my boundaries. I actually think comedy and sex are very similar. They're both based on trust. You need to have trust with your sexual partner. An audience needs to trust the comedian. But at the same time, it needs to feel taboo. It needs to feel dangerous. Or it's boring. A couple of drinks. Everyone has fun. Too many drinks. I can't perform. Women are more likely to come if they're getting it from another woman. It's just a statistic. And I'm getting older now. You know, I want to settle down with one favourite comedian, but I just can't find them. They're all trash. And I'm open to all sorts of comedians. Male comedians. Female comedians. Two comedians at the same time. I just can't find them. I saw this famous Australian TV comedian the other day. And then I got brunch with my boys the next day. And they were like, How was he, Neil? How was the comedian? He was okay. Do you think you'll see him again? Probably not, you know. Why not? Because I wanted him to **** me, comedically, okay? I didn't want to be offended, but I wanted to feel like I could be offended. I sat in the front row. I had a couple of drinks. I wore a funny hat. I was asking for it. See, post-cancel culture, this is what's happened. Post-cancel culture, all the nice comedians have become too nice. You know, they'll just get on stage and be like, Alright, I'm just going to make fun of myself. I'm not going to take any risks. I'm just going to make sure everyone feels safe, okay? There's people of different ethnicity in the crowd. Not going to mention it, okay? That's the sexual equivalent of someone who's like, Alright, we're just going to do missionary. I'm just going to look in your eyes. I'm feeling okay. It's like, just spit on me or something. Do something. Whereas post-cancel culture, all the bad comedians have gotten worse as well. You know? They'll just get on stage and be like, Oh, what's up? You're offended. Well, how about I be even more offensive, yeah? Can't you identify as finding it funny? That's the sexual equivalent of someone who's like, Oh, what's up? You like it rough? Why don't I just pound you? No lube, no foreplay. Let's just go. It's like, both of these comedians and both of these sexual partners are trash. Where is the comedian who can tactfully and respectfully play with my arsehole and escalate based on the non-verbal cues of consent? Where's that comedian? I'll tell you where he is. He's on stage right now. Yeah, you like it rough, don't you, you little dirty whore audience? That's right. Yeah, I like it rough when you clap for me. That's right. This is the most dominant a man of my height can ever feel. It's good you guys have come out, you know. It's a cost of living crisis. No one has any money. I feel like you can tell how rich someone is based on the noises they make when you drive past a petrol station. Because if you drive past and your passenger is silent, they are loaded. See, most of us have all developed petrol station Tourettes over the last couple of years. We'll be driving past like, alright, let me check the price. Oh, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****! The cost of living has hit me as well. Had to go back on the caged eggs. Yeah. Fuck these chickens, man. I gotta eat. Someone said to me, Neil, how can you buy caged eggs? They put way too many chickens in a tiny little space and they all develop mental health issues. I said, that sounds like everyone living in a share house right now. I'll pay for the chickens to have open space when I can afford some of my own. I don't understand why vegans don't like eggs. It's a chicken that just lays an egg. No animal was harmed. The vegans, they'll say, oh, well, the chicken, it's still in captivity, okay? We want to prevent animal suffering. I'm like, have you seen a chicken? If you want to prevent animal suffering, keep that thing in captivity. That is a Darwinian dead end. Letting a chicken out into the wild is like letting a naked girl out into Saudi Arabia. Yeah, they like them caged there as well, eh? A few people shaking their head in the front row. Alright. Just you wait. Nah, it's interesting times. You know, the rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer. I feel like really rich and really poor people actually live a very similar life. You know, they both sell drugs. One through Big Pharma, the other on the streets. They both have multiple children to multiple different women. The wealthy will indirectly rob the middle class with unethical work practices. The poor will just rob the middle class. They both don't really care about the law, do they? Whether it's tax law or age of consent. Yeah, Epstein's Island was just a business class version of Mount Druitt. Turned 30 this year. Yes. Round of applause. Who's in their 30s here? Who's in their 30s? A few tired people. I thought 30 would be the prime of my life. You know, I thought I'd have the physical energy of a young person but I'd also have the confidence of someone older. Instead, I just have the mental health of a 20-year-old with the back pain of a 50-year-old. You know, I'm too woke for baby boomers but I'm not woke enough for Gen Z. I'm young enough to know what sapiosexuality is. Old enough to still think it's a cry for attention. And I went to Red Rooster on the way here. Do you guys know Red Rooster? If you don't know Red Rooster it's a niche Australian fast food chain. Basically, imagine KFC and Subway had a baby and then they dropped that baby on its head. That is Red Rooster. And for the longest time I thought Red Rooster had completely closed down. Turns out what they did is they moved all their stores to Western Sydney. So if you don't know the stereotype Eastern Sydney is considered very posh very affluent very upper class Western Sydney is not. And if you draw a line on the map of Sydney where the Red Roosters begin it perfectly divides East and Western Sydney. Yeah, so basically that is our Berlin Wall of big red cocks. One side is very my pronouns are they them the other side is very my probation ends in two days One side is very yasss the other side is very YOLO Who's from the West here? Make some noise. Alright. Yeah, my crowd. Fuck yeah. Let's go. I'm in an interracial couple as well. My girlfriend is Greek so yeah everyone's like oh my god you guys should have kids half Indian half Greek oh they'll be so cultured so much culture. And I'm like no they won't they'll just be fat. What one Greek grandmother and one Indian grandmother? It's not culture that's bloody diabetes at 18 that's what that is. My girlfriend is a psychologist so it's very weird when we talk about our day I'll be like babe how was your day? And she'll be like oh you know that client I had who had depression he no longer has depression he's smiling again he's rekindled a relationship with his parents and I'm thinking to myself wow she's making a difference she changed that man's life and then she's like Neil how was your day? And I'm like do you want to hear my joke about Red Rooster? Because that's that's all I did today. Just this week just this week she was telling me about a client she had who had PTSD and he could only sleep 2 hours a night and based on her intervention he now sleeps 6 to 8 hours a night and on that same day I had to tell her well today I made a YouTube video called Guess the Indian She cleared this guy's head I had 6 guys in full body spandex being like show me your best head bobble okay and my girlfriend is a forensic psychologist so you don't know what that is basically when a criminal says they have mental health issues they send him to the forensic psychologist usually him that's a gender gap will never change so basically my girlfriend spends all day with a dangerous man and then she goes to work often my girlfriend's like babe what are you thinking? and I'm always like nothing cos you know I can't tell her what I'm actually thinking my thoughts they're like a politician's tax records we can guess there's something dodgy going on but if they ever came out I'd lose my job like just the other day for example we were making love and why's that funny? you think I can't what you don't make love to your partners? huh? you don't do that in Western Sydney? what you just root? is that what you do? what was I talking about? yeah making love to my girlfriend judging me for that we were making love and I finished so the sex finished it was a beautiful moment you know she was lying on my chest I'm thinking to myself oh I love this woman so much I wanna marry her I wanna have kids with her I wanna move to the country raise our kids on a farm but then my thoughts started going rogue then I was like oh what if a kangaroo tries to attack my future kids cause just that day I'd watched all these YouTube videos of those giant red alpha kangaroos I just wanted inspiration for breakdancing so I'm just you know these kangaroos they're so jacked they can't even jump properly they're just the esches of the bush that's what they are they're esches right they're in packs they're pests they even have a pouch they're always lying there like this just like yeah what are you looking at mate oi Simpson Desert this is my postcode bae wanna fight you dog? so I'm imagining this bush esche attacking my future children I'm like alright I gotta defend them I gotta go Volkanovski on this thing you know they've got good technique don't they we've all seen it they bloody dislocate their neck and do the double front kick so I'm trying to dodge the front kick right I get the kangaroo in a headlock he's trying to jump free I'm like yeah go to sleep skippy ya dog at that moment my girlfriend's like babe what are you thinking nothing wanna get some red rooster? they actually kill kangaroos right they're pests they specifically kill the big alpha ones because they mate with too many of the females that's hilarious not the killing just the idea that there's a bunch of incel kangaroos out there just hopping around starting a podcast how to be a high value kangaroo these bitches only like you if you can jump above six foot hey a few of the a few of the comedians before talking about therapy and that's a big thing with young people isn't it we're all talking about therapy now and using all these terms like gaslighting and narcissist and this and that even people you wouldn't expect I got a mate he's on steroids right he's massive and he was talking to me the other day and he's like Neil I think I have an anxious attachment my parents didn't love me properly and it manifests in toxic relationship patterns I'm like that's great man but we're in McDonald's I'm not your McTherapist sometimes men we're not very good at giving each other compliments you know like if you wear a nice shirt in front of your male friends they'll never be like oh that's a handsome shirt Neil you look good no it's always like oh bloody Calvin Klein over here hey who are you trying to impress and I wish I could be honest sometimes I wish I could be like well I think your external appearance is a reflection of your inner world and I feel a lot of hope and joy right now so I wanna look good you can't say that can you you gotta be like oh who am I trying to impress your mum shut up man shut up male compliments are like a Chinese shopping mall nothing authentic I am a short king do we have any short kings here tonight alright can't really see you but yeah I when I was single riding on the apps sometimes I'd tell a girl my height and she'd just unmatch me yeah yeah women are like roller coasters you gotta be this tall to ride and I'd tell my friends sometimes and they'd just be very honest with me they'd just be like well yeah you're short Neil deal with it you're short male friends are like sex education at a religious school they'll just give it to you straight just once I wanted them to be more like female friends just once I wanted them to be like what's that she rejected you because you're short oh you are not short at all okay you are the tallest man I know seriously that photo you posted the other day I'm 6 foot 4 and it made me insecure okay **** the girls it's just the boys tonight get the beers they're on the top shelf actually you can't reach them I'll get them but that's okay yeah we don't get any body positivity do we short men no one's advocating for height diversity in the NBA honestly the Sacramento short kings that's what I wanna see women you get to wear high heels you don't even need them tall girls will wear high heels a tall girl wearing high heels is like a black guy getting a penis enlargement just showing off I think men should be exclusively judged on their muscles and their salary because at least we're in control of that like a man getting rejected for his muscles or his salary is like getting dropped from the cricket team you can go to the nets you can work on your cover drive whereas a man getting rejected because of his height is like not getting a pilot's license because your name is Mohammed it's like kind of makes sense but it's out of your control you know a lot of people think it's really sweet to compliment a woman on her eyes and her smile and I've actually thought that's quite superficial because you were just born with your eyes and your smile I think it's less superficial to compliment a woman on her ass if I compliment a woman on her ass I'm complimenting her discipline at the gym I mean HR didn't believe me but that's why I'm here but ladies the next time a man's like you have the prettiest smile you should be like um excuse me my ass is down here thank you very much so who is single here round of applause if you're single who's single not many okay alright you're single yes are you on the apps no no okay that was a very adamant no were you ever on the apps once or twice okay what do you think of men with fish pictures don't like them yeah a lot of women they don't like the men with the fish picture on the app I've never understood that that's a good man it's a provider it's not a man with a fish pic that's a fish daddy that's what that is and there's two types of men today you know there's there's therapy men and there's fish daddies it's a spectrum you know therapy men they're securely attached fish daddies can secure the house therapy men they work on their trauma fish daddies have head trauma therapy men are like shih tzus and fish daddies are like rock wheelers sometimes you want a shih tzu you know you want a nice dependable sweet little dog you can keep it in an apartment it's just a bit yappy and can't really defend itself sometimes you want a rock wheeler you know you need to feel safe you might live in Campbelltown or you have a kid you don't like and you need a rock wheeler I think if dogs created their own society there'd be a role for the shih tzus and the rock wheelers the shih tzus they would be the accountant good stable profession and the rock wheelers they would be the police and they'd be a good police force you know everyone would be scared of them they might occasionally kill a few chocolate labradors but a few bad apples having a rock wheeler really is a double edged sword isn't it you know because it's the primary source of your self-defense but it's also the biggest threat to your safety I guess that's like dating any man yeah alright I actually think dogs express their emotions better than men you know if a dog's sad it's like whereas if a man's sad he's like might start a podcast that's it that's why it's so much easier to rescue dogs than men so many people rescuing dogs videos all over the internet like oh we saw him at the train station he was scared he was vulnerable we took him in we showed him love now he sleeps in our bed it's like there's just as many men at the train station who need to be rescued we've all seen them oh the 5G they come on the rock and roll where's the video of someone rescuing him oh we saw him at the train station he was yelling about the CIA we we took him in we kept his rescue name Big Macamab Dog we showed him love now he sleeps in our bed I think dogs express their emotions better than men and cats communicate more directly than women look I've got a my cat when she's hungry she meows really loudly she rubs herself against my leg she goes like this on my leg it's very clear it's very direct very assertive whereas my girlfriend will say something like babe if I go to McFlurry will you have some I'm like oh I don't really want any but I'll buy one for you and she's like no I don't want it then I'm like do you want a McFlurry or not and she's like well I did but now I don't I'm like why can't you just say I want a McFlurry and she's like well women have been conditioned to not express their needs and I'm like really you can't say I want a McFlurry because of the patriarchy and the next day I'm at the train station just oh the 5G I have been traveling a fair bit I was in England recently the English they're very interesting people throughout history they've given us some of the world's greatest artists Shakespeare Dickens The Beatles now they give us Love Island I love that show so much I'm Alex 24 I love beers boobs and bunter you know I was looking up the top dishes of England you know what number three is beans and chips how do you control the spice trade for 200 years can't come up with anything better than beans and chips England artistically gifted nutritionally retarded I gotta be honest and then the number one and number two dish in England were butter chicken and chicken tikka masala that was a good trade in hindsight India gave England butter chicken England gave India cricket either way they both get the runs I like to throw in a few dad jokes been watching these World War II documentaries recently and I think I think we forget about the Italians in World War II you know we remember the Japanese we remember the Germans but we just forget about the Italians and I like to think it's because Italy they're just not a particularly scary culture like the Japanese they're very hard working very disciplined people that's a scary enemy the Germans as well extremely hard working extremely disciplined that's terrifying the Italians it's just not in their culture to work like if Italy won World War II I don't think it would have been so bad we take over the world Mike everybody talk a lot of these a five hour work day coffee break every 30 minutes they were very ineffective in World War II they tried to take over Libya they couldn't do it I like to think what happened was the entire Italian army just lined up there guns in hand ready to go and then one lady just started doing this and they all just dropped their guns and were like hey bella moi what's your name do you know what the Italian word for fascism is? fascismo that sounds fun I'd vote for that hey it's a fascismo it's a good we like a Mussolini Mussolini not so much we like a black coffee black people no no it's a fascismo sounds like something Borat would say me and my wife we make a fascismo very nice you know after World War II there was a proposal to make Tasmania the Jewish state yeah Tasmania could've been Israel in hindsight maybe that would've been good Australia would finally have a good film industry Tasmanian IQ would skyrocket instead of displacing millions of Palestinians you displace 50 Tasmanians what are they gonna do create an Aussie Hamas? oh yeah nah Allahu Akbar ya dog well if you didn't like that you're not gonna like the next one I think Hitler was gay I do that's why he was so angry at the world because deep down he was gay and he had to suppress that deep down he had a bit of zigzag and he just had to push it I mean think about it he was an artist he was so flamboyant have you seen his speeches? oh he gets his whole body into his speeches like Deutschland imagine if you muted Hitler's speeches and just played a gay anthem imagine that just I'm coming out obviously I'm not trying to say there's anything funny about Hitler okay evil man evil evil evil man he's in hell not for being gay for the other stuff but he's in hell and there's nothing funny about being gay either perfectly normal the idea of gay Hitler though you gotta admit that's kinda funny I asked Hugo Boss to design the Nazi uniform that's kinda gay Hugo when we slaughter the enemy make sure we look fabulous he was obsessed with masculinity Hitler too obsessed German man he will be strong he will be the Uber Mensch it just screams man trying to prove that he's straight despite what we could all see although I guess gaslighting was his thing so alright groans and claps okay that's what we're working with I think maybe a bit of homophobia could've stopped Hitler maybe just maybe someone just needed to call him gay just someone in his inner circle known for homophobia just one Moe from Western Sydney in Hitler's inner circle one kebab among all the bratwursts that way when Hitler was like und everyone will have the blonde hair und the blue eyes marching together in the Hugo Boss uniform he would be like oh brother that's the gayest ---- I've ever heard I think hell is a pretty interesting concept to me you know because it's the scariest possible place for a Christian which makes me think hell is just an LGBT safe space you go down you're greeted by Satan hi I'm Satan pronouns they them welcome to hell we don't have many rules here in hell our big one is just no hate speech towards our queer community speaking of which this is Adolf Hitler's there just screaming just ah ah you know it's Christian hell so you know who else is there ah there's too many bagel shops I'm losing you on the Hitler stuff **** I they bring Mussolini the Italian leader down to hell you're like hi Benito welcome to hell everyone here smokes no one here works hmm just like Italy can I have a coffee ooh here in hell we only do instant coffee ah mamma mia get me out **** in the place a lot of people say we're on the brink of world war 3 a lot of a lot of Americans online I see them in comment sections they'll be like oh they're making the American military gay they're making it gay it should be USA not LGBT and I'm like maybe you should make the military gay who are the west's biggest enemies right now Russia terrorist groups they're not afraid of straight men you know what they are afraid of the gays who is just the normal American army lined up against Russia that just scull a vodka and be like foolish Americans we will crush them like we crushed capitalism whereas imagine if the entire front line was just RuPaul's drag race just standing there like ooh you'll touch us and you're gay ah Dimitri retreat I think an LGBT army would be very effective every letter would have a unique role the T's they would be the spies they're good at blending in the B's would be the decoy the distraction they'd get everyone's attention what they've always wanted the L's would attack in scissor formation get down low on the carpet finger on the trigger with their perfectly trimmed fingernails and the G's would design the uniform some top some bottom a lot of cultures were actually pretty gay you know like ancient Rome was gay well they had what we would call liberal sexual attitudes you know in ancient Rome if you were a man you were morally permitted to penetrate another man he just had to be lower social status than you so basically if you were a senator you could **** a plumber I guess that still happens today that was what life was like for men in ancient Rome they'd just be like yes we'll go and conquer the barbarians and we'll go enjoy some blood sport at the Colosseum then I will head to the bar where I will enjoy my friends Glutonius Maximus he's only X-I-I years old look it was M-M years ago ancient Rome was the original diddy party and then actually the Christians came into ancient Rome and they changed the sexual ethics it's true I I heard it on the Joe Rogan podcast the Christians came in they were like no you can't kill animals at the Colosseum that's morally wrong you can only have one wife the Christians were like the original woke lefties they were like sex with men in the bath that's super problematic whereas the right wing conservative men were in the bath ******* each other just being like oh can you believe these Christians everything is problematic oh Phallus Gigantus what next we can't have slaves that's my Roman twink noise I think a lot of social issues go in a life cycle you know I think they start off forbidden then they become normalised well actually they start off forbidden then they become rebellious and cool then they become normalised and then eventually corporations use them to sell their dumb products every social issue goes in this life cycle racial equality 100 years ago was completely forbidden slowly became rebellious and cool became normalised now Pepsi does ads for Black Lives Matter Pepsi they'll come out and be like in 2020 George Floyd said I can't breathe and that's what you'll be saying when you're chugging down the new Pepsi Max now with 50% less white supremacy a lot of other issues going through this life cycle you know drugs are slowly becoming normalised I think in 10 years a big heroin company will start sponsoring women's sports there'll be a little girl looking up at a picture of Sam Kerr a voiceover will just be like here at Big Heroin we support every girl to be the heroine of her story shoot up and shoot for the stars sex positivity slowly becoming normalised everyone's talking about their kinks what they're into in the bedroom I think in 10 years Subway will come out with an ad just be someone in a gimp mask tied up someone else just whipping them like you are nothing nothing obey me and there'll just be a voiceover that's like here at Subway we support your right to dominate the sub and for a limited time only you can dominate our new chicken teriyaki salad for only $7 even being gay 100 years ago being gay was completely forbidden if you were gay you had to meet at a discreet location always be on the lookout just be like you're gay, you're gay oh my god this is so dangerous we could get in so much trouble my name's John my family doesn't know about this what's your name? my name is Adolf Hitler wait why are you circumcised? nein, nein, nein, nein my parents are in the audience by the way Sydney, thank you so much guys thank you, thank you