Jerrod Carmichael - How To Be A Great Boyfriend

You guys, look at us. All right, welcome to Just4Lab's All Access. I'm Jerrod Carmichael. I'm happy to be here. I really am, man. I'm only in Montreal for like 16 hours, which is enough. It's more than enough. It's fun, it's a great place. I'm intimidated by you guys, you know? This is really nice. I feel like you guys are like America's big brother who has their ---- together. We're just like down there just getting arrested and ----. You guys like maintain jobs. We got health care, though. I don't know how to sign up for it, but we got it. That's a thing. That ain't nothing. I'm here, I don't know, man. I don't know where we should start. I don't know what to talk about exactly. You're finding me at my most vulnerable right now. I feel really vulnerable. I really do. I really want a girlfriend. I really, it's time. I don't know where you find girlfriends, though. And I don't really know why I want a girlfriend. I think mostly for like really dope Instagram moments. I just don't want to embarrass myself on Instagram. You got to have a girlfriend to be really cool on there. They can't all be selfies. You got to have somebody else in the picture from time to time. And I want a girlfriend for that. And I'm going to get a girlfriend. Mostly for that. I was like, I see moments, I see things like in life that make me really want a girlfriend. You know, like I was walking through a park the other day and like it had a pond in it. And I saw two people like on a paddle boat. And I was like, oh man, I want to get on a paddle boat. You know, I got to have a girlfriend for that, though. Can't just get on a paddle boat with one of your niggas. You both got on basketball shorts. It's embarrassing. Got to have a girlfriend for that. You have to. I don't know what I'm, I don't, okay. This is why I don't have a girlfriend. I've given this a lot of thought. I don't have a girlfriend because I know that deep down in my heart, I'm an amazing boyfriend. I really am. I'm amazing at that ----. I'm so great at it. And that's why I don't do it. Because I know that being a great boyfriend is exhausting. Like it's a lot of work, you know? So that's why I don't do it. Really, man, it's a lot of work, man. To be a great boyfriend, you got to like, you got to answer questions you don't have the answer to. You know, girls ask a lot of questions, you know? A lot of questions, like heavy questions too, you know? Questions like, you know, what are you thinking? Nothing. Can you believe that? I'm thinking nothing right now, you know? And they don't stop there. Steeper, existential questions, you know? Questions like, what's wrong? I don't know what's wrong. That's why I'm watching the game. Hopefully I forgive my father by halftime. You got to text. To be a great boyfriend, you got to text. Not only do you have to like respond to texts, you also have to send like these unsolicited happy texts. Just random 3 p.m. thinking about you when you're not, when you're not at all. Not thinking, it's three. You're thinking about important ---- like, you know, ISIS or like a sandwich or something like that. But like, you got to send that, you got to say. It's hard, thinking about like great texts to send a girl is a lot of, it consumes a lot of my day. Like a lot of my day just trying to think of the right text to send. It's like a lot of thought, man. I know what I could text a girl at the end of the day. I could text something like, hey, I know it's been a rough day at work, but that place would fall apart without you. And quite frankly, so would I. It's ******* adorable, right? That's a great text. By the way, no, by the way, feel free to use that. Seriously, feel free to, that's not just mine. That's all of ours. We share that here tonight. I mean that. The text took me six hours. Six hours to think about that ----. It was like three drafts of just like, no, that's not it. And then autocorrect, and it was a whole thing. I could have cured cancer, but no, I sent one text message. I couldn't have cured cancer, but I could have like, I could have like bought like some beakers and like a lab coat and like, could have bought the ---- you need to cure cancer. So much work, man. So what I end up texting a girl at the end of the day is you up? It's way easier. It's only like three letters depending on how you spell the word you.