Serena Williams’ opening monologue for The 2024 ESPYS

This is the 2024 ESPYs presented by Capital One. Now, here's your host, Serena Williams. Sierra, everybody! I know a lot of congratulations are in order tonight, but I think I'll start by congratulating Russell Wilson, because dang! Woo! Welcome to the ESPYs! I'm your host, Serena, and I am so excited to celebrate sports tonight. Some of the best athletes in the world are right here in this room. Some of the strongest, fastest, and most skilled people ever are right here. And if I've learned anything this year, it's that none of us, not a single one of us, not even me, should ever pick a fight with Kendrick Lamar. They not like us. They not like us. He will make your hometown not like you. The next time Drake sits courtside at a Raptors game, they're going to force-gump him. Sights taken. They not like us. They not like us. They not like us. You might be wondering why am I doing this. Well, first of all, any opportunity to wear 16 outfits in three hours, I'm going to take it. I also won 23 Grand Slams, a documentary about my life is airing right now on ESPN+. My movie, King Richard, got nominated for several Oscars and won Best Actor. So, honestly, the only thing left for me to do, really, was tell jokes in front of football players, basketball players, and Rob Lowe. Katelyn Clark had an amazing year and is nominated for three awards. Katelyn, you are the Larry Bird in that you are an amazing player, you have ties to Indiana, and white people are really crazy about you. Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs. This year, Patrick Mahomes and Taylor Swift's boyfriend won a Super Bowl. Travis and Taylor reportedly spent $100,000 a day on their romance. That's a lot of money. That's what I've been told Jalen Brown spills on his beard. It's very shiny. I like it, though. One of the craziest stories in sports this year was Dodgers pitcher Shohei Otani. He got $16 million stolen from him by his translator and didn't even notice. $16 million, y'all. Male athletes get paid so much more than female athletes. They don't even notice losing $16 million. Because believe me, I would have noticed. Another memorable moment in sports this year was LeBron James' son, Bronny. He got drafted to the Lakers where he will play with his dad. And I truly hope Bronny has a long career. So long that we will see his hairline recede, then miraculously unrecede. Like that. It's been a great couple of years of sports and women's sports. Y'all finally realize that women's sports are way more exciting. Obviously. You just never put them on. Yeah, you, ESPN. For a long time, people were like, will anyone watch women's sports? Not if you don't show it. But I should be fair. ESPN does show women's sports when there's no football or basketball or baseball or hockey or golf or cornhole. Whether they televise your sport or not, I think we can all agree being a professional athlete is truly a dream come true. And I was lucky enough to do it with my family. My dad was my coach. My sister was my partner. It all went so well that they made a movie about it. Will Smith played my dad. He was so good in it, he won an Oscar after slapping Chris Rock. I was like, dang, Will, you got to come out of character. Now, a lot of you athletes in here today are in the prime of your career. Savor it while you can, because soon you'll have to retire. And the best you can hope for is a three hour roast joke about how your life wife left you for a jujitsu. You know what? Actually, I'm not going to go there. I don't want to get anyone's family upset. Let me stop. Just start a tequila brand. Trust me, it works. I would know. Ask Michael Jordan. And let me just say, I love you male athletes, too. It's been so nice to hear you share your feelings, hopes, and dreams and gossip like crazy, of course. You call it podcasts, but whatever gets you there. We got Cat Williams on Club Shay-Shay. And it's going so well that Shannon Sharp might be able to actually buy a shirt that fits soon. Before we get started, it's, well, actually only pretty often that I get to be in a room with actual royalty. And tonight is no exception. Prince Harry and Meghan are here. Let's give it up for them. But please, Harry and Meghan, try not to breathe too much tonight, because this is my night. And I don't want to be overshadowed by the accusations that you guys are taking up too much oxygen. Okay? In all seriousness, I know a lot of kids look up to us athletes. And I want to say to these kids right now, get up. Get off of TikTok. Work hard. Find out how capable you are. Be great. Be so great they don't want to believe in you. And then be even greater. And after all that, after all that, still don't pick a fight with Kendrick. They not like us.