Comedians Call Out the Weirdest Things About Family _ Netflix Is A Joke

And older guys aren't like cute or hot either, you know? They're handsome, distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn't look at too long. You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? You're like, who is that? Oh, that's wrong. They're not your family in those pictures yet. They're just the past. It is a gray area. You ever look at your family as a team and go, wow, we suck dick as a team. I thought we'd be stronger than this. We went ziplining, the whole family went ziplining and we get there and I start looking at other families like sizing us up, going, ----, those parents look like they do CrossFit. Then I look at me and my wife, I'm like, oh, we look like crossing guards. And then you start beating your wife up in your head, like not out loud, just in your head. You're like, what the **** are you wearing water shoes for? We're going ziplining, where's the water up there? Wait, with socks. Who wears water shoes and socks? I'm on TV, bitch, step up your ******* game. Daughter's 13, my son is 10 now. Older they get, the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the other day. This ---- made me laugh. If you're a parent and you're here tonight and you don't think your kids curse, you're a stupid parent, you're stupid. As soon as you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. ****, mother bitch, ----, dick, pussy, ass, whole bitch, it don't even go together. They say it at the same time. I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business. I'm asleep, I'm laying on the couch. She's snapping. I'm sick of your ----, Hendricks. You keep ******* with me, I'm gonna bust your ass. I said, God damn, wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there? Now, I don't wanna blow my cover because I wanna hear what my son says back. I wanna hear my son's rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We're identical, we're exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He's such a bitch. This is what my son said. My son goes, honestly, really, then what? Nothing, so why are we talking about it? Okay. What? He stormed off like he won. Okay. If you have never been surprise megadosed, it is horrific. It is a harrowing, panic-induced terror ride. And so a few weeks ago, I did it to my mother. I was visiting her. She's alone. She knows I eat them at night. I've told her for a while they help me sleep, which they do. And she calls them gummies. So she comes up to me and she's like, are you going to have a gummy tonight? And I go, yes. She goes, may I have one? And I was like, yeah. I give her one because I take one. And one gets me high, so I'm like, this is gonna peel back her wig, you know? I sit around with her for a couple hours. And then I ask her, I go, how do you feel? She goes, I feel nothing. Really? She goes, yes. I go, all right, well, I don't know. Go to bed, you ******* savage. I don't know what to tell you. The next day, it's evening, and she comes up to me again. May I have another gummy tonight? I go, you had one yesterday and you didn't feel anything. She goes, maybe I should take two. Maybe you should. I give her two. We hang out. And again, I ask her, how do you feel? She goes, I feel nothing. I'm like, really? She goes, should I take two more? I said, hey, Pablo, you might wanna keep it in first for a minute. She goes, you don't think so? I go, actually, I do think so. Here you go, here's two more. I give it to her. She eats them, and then she says, I'm going to bed. I go, all right. She goes to her room. I go to the guest room. A few minutes later, I receive a series of text messages that I have since memorized. The first one says, Tommy, I am fizzing. F-I-Z-Z-I-N-G. So I write back, sounds cool. Because who the ****, you know, it's like I'm fizzing right now, man. We out here fizzing tonight, baby. I don't know what that is. She writes back, my heart rate is 125. Oh, I am spinning. So I write, LOL, I think she's having fun. And then she writes, please come now. I don't feel well. To death, I love everything about being ******* married, but I'll tell you this right now. We do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I've learned anything in five years of being married is we're always working on me. You know? Evidently my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied. Like, hmm, how did she do that? And I'm like one of these guys, you know those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for like six straight years? So you're like, are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance shop? Jesus Christ, what a piece of ----. You should just tear it down and start over again. Yeah. I have a temper, so that's the thing. That's what kind of ruins things. Everything else I do is fine, but I have a ******* temper and it just ruins ----. And then my wife always says the same thing. She's always just like, I just don't understand. Where did that come from? Where is that coming from? It's you just go from zero to a hundred in two seconds. It's like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour. All right? So don't give me this zero to a hundred. I walked into this restaurant at 75. I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the ******* parking lot. Yeah, I ******* tried all of this ----. Whenever she says that to me though, I swear to God, I just don't understand. Where is this coming from? It actually hurts my feelings when she says that, you know? Because it makes me feel like she's not listening to me. It's like, honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you married? My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically. One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, how was school today? I said, it was good, but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw. And where were you? I was over on the bench. And what did you do? Nothing, I was over on the bench. But you saw what happened? Yeah, because I was over on the bench. So you saw what happened and you did nothing? Yeah, because I was sitting over on the bench. Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany, when people saw what the Nazis were doing and they did nothing, were those good people? Oh no, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis. But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing? Because I was over on the bench. And then my dad said, just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi? And then my mom said, I made a salad with craisins. And the conversation ended. My dad's a very weird and formal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes, I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, hello. Hello, I'm Chip Mulaney, I'm your father. And then he said the following. You know, Leonard Bernstein was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century. But sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work. We don't have time to unpack all of that. If he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer, but that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I'd be in college about to go down on some rock and twink and I'd be like, wait a second, what would Leonard Bernstein do? I've never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you. I was in an Uber with a man up north and this man, we were talking about our grandchildren and he's got a grandson and he's in love with him and he said, I love him so much that if he came to me and said, granddaddy, I've killed somebody. I'm gonna need some help. He said, I'd do it. And the first thing I thought was, I'm in an Uber with a man who would cover up a murder. And then the second thing I thought was, I'd help my baby cover up a murder. When my boy and his wife found out about this precious baby, they would say, their baby. And we would say, our baby. And then they started using words like boundaries. They started saying things like, oh yeah, so-and-so used to place some boundaries with her mother and father-in-law. And I just smiled and kept my mouth shut. And I thought to myself, they don't know what's about to hit them. They're gonna have this precious baby and they're gonna be up all night and that's gonna go into weeks and months and then my little daughter-in-law is gonna start hallucinating. And then she's gonna wake up in the night and she'll be breastfeeding a lamp. And we'll see who's got boundaries. All children find their parents annoying, which is kind of ironic, given children essentially ruin their parents' lives. Parents give their children their time, their energy and their money and we repay our parents with resentment. You ever see an adult get a phone call from one of their parents? You'd think it was a debt collector. Oh, it's my mom. Yeah, I know you took care of me for a quarter of a century, but now's not a good time. You know what wasn't a good time? Giving up my dreams. So you could be a general disappointment. My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother's property. So I can do whatever I want. I could take a ---- on this stage right now and my mom would be like, you bring so much honor to our family. My dad was so religious growing up, he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, which is fine if you're into that, but keep it short. He wouldn't do that. He would do long, drawn out prayers full of personal details that none of us signed off on at the table, which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public, just like, thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. Thank you that Taylor's a woman now and is getting the help she needs in math. I'm like, can you not tell this Chipotle that I'm bleeding and can't subtract? I think God knows. It's why I don't feel bad telling jokes about my parents on stage now because anytime they're like, do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers? I'm like, hometown buffet, 1998. You told everyone within a five booth radius that I shat my pants the night before. I can say whatever I want. We're not an I love you family. We say, take care. It's okay for you to laugh at that because it's not the same at all. It's actually not even that similar. It's an unusual substitution because first of all, it doesn't have the word love in it. Second of all, it's sort of a passive aggressive command. Like, I'm gonna need you to do something for me. Take care. You know what I mean? And tried to reverse this like in several ways over the years. Like one year, Mother's Day, I called my mom. I go, mom, I really appreciate you. And it was silent on the other end for a few moments. And then she said, bye now. I was meeting my wife's family and like everybody was home. Like on a Tuesday at 2.30, I go, why is everybody home? Like no one works over there. They just, you know, I'm like, what does your cousins do? I don't know, really. I don't really know what they do. I think they're in advertising, but I don't really know what they do. They're so relaxed. They're the type of family that when they graduated college they took a year off to go find themselves. Do you know people like this? They graduate and they go backpacking through Europe and stay at hostels like they're broke. They go find themselves. That ---- don't fly on my side. When I graduated college, I couldn't tell my father, dad, I'm going to go to Europe to go find myself. What do you mean go find yourself? I found you. You're right here in my house. Where are you going to go? You want to see you? Go look in the mirror. You got no job and you're in my house. I found you. You're here. Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too. And parents don't like that when you say it. They're like, you got to keep them outside. Don't look at them. It's my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. And so we're kind of hitting all the sites. And I would be, when I get home, I travel a bunch and I get home, I'd want us to all sleep in the bed together. And I've kind of built up a habit now and it's happened. So it's tough though, because kids don't know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I'm on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I have to sleep with my head on the nightstand. It's the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. She's also apparently going through menopause because she's the hottest human being that's ever lived. I mean, I'm freezing at night. She just kicks all the covers off. And you're like, yeah, no, you go ahead. It's your bed. We're lucky to be in it. Because then your dad gets all weird. Kids, you think your dad's weird now? Wait for his dad to die. Then he goes on a whole quest. He'll want to take more family pictures, but be angrier during them. Talk about, can we get one photo where we all look nice? You're like, I don't think this ************ is doing that well. My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table. She goes, all right, I'm going to Vietnam for nine days. Okay, with my best friend, Sandy. The girls start unraveling immediately. George is like, who are we staying with? My wife's like, dad. They're like, who's watching us? My wife's like, dad. They're like, who's watching dad? My wife's like, listen, I've made a very detailed list. If your father follows this list to a T, it'll be like I never left. George goes, he won't last 24 hours, mom. Boy, I should have taken the under on that. This list was so aggressive. Oh, wake up, 5.45 a.m. I'm like, what crops are we harvesting? Make the girls breakfast. Georgia likes avocado toast. Isla likes bone broth. I'm like, oh, cool. I'm living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter. Breakfast should be over by 6 a.m. Send the girls to the room to get dressed. Check on Isla, 6.05. She'll be asleep in her closet. 6.15, tell Isla she has to start shitting. 6.45, tell Isla to stop shitting. 6.50, out the door, drop off the girls, 7 o'clock. The first day, I woke up at 7.15. Big family. Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere, and now they're just weird. Some people think it's religious. They're like, you have all those kids for religious reasons. That's not how it works. If anything, you have four or five kids, and then you become religious. Because once you lose a kid at the mall, you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. Hey God, I know I haven't talked to you in a while, probably since finals in high school. Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I'll change my life. I'll stop going to Wendy's. Oh, there he is. Nevermind, God. My family's very Mexican-American, okay? We speak very little Spanish. My in-laws are super Puerto Rican. They speak very little English. But they try, okay? They try. Like, my mother-in-law will call me sometimes. She'll leave me a message on my voicemail, like, hola, mami, it's your mother-in-law. Eh, call me. So sweet. They're super Puerto Rican. Like, they should win Puerto Rican of the Year award. No, they're really good at it. Like, I don't know how they do it, but no matter what they're talking about, in any conversation, they can seamlessly bring up Marc Anthony. You can have a conversation with my father-in-law, he'll be like, hey, the Yankees, they're gonna be good this year. But if not, it's okay, Marc Anthony here gonna do a special on TV, I'll record it for you. My mother-in-law is very traditional, okay? She likes to drink her pilon coffee, watch her stories, make room on the wall for another Puerto Rican flag somewhere. Or coasters, or a bath mat, or a clock. Puerto Rico everywhere. And she likes to keep up with us in our busy lives, right? So we taught her how to use Instagram and Facebook. I'm sorry, Faye-book. Which is great, because now sometimes I'll be going through my comments from people, they'll be like, hey, we love your videos, when are you coming to Michigan? Hey, we were at your show last night, had a great time. Hola, mami. Es yo madre-in-law. You look too skinny in that picture. Eh, call me. My parents, so my parents are in their 60s, and when your parents hit their 60s, just so you know, you kind of realize that you go, all right, I'm in charge of this family now, you know? They don't give it up, they don't offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you're like, I don't, you know? We went to the store the other day, and we walked back to the car, we were in the store for an hour. We walked back, my dad's, the driver's side door is wide open. He drove, got, opened the door to go inside and just kept walking. He's been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. My dad wore my mom's pants to a funeral. That was the day that I was like, look, we can't listen to this guy no more, you know? We gotta go get him. He doesn't know what's happening. It usually starts happening when your parents, when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents' house. That's when it starts happening. And so my parents, once we did that, they started, they downsized into a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don't have the room for us. There's like 20, there's 20 of us. It's like a college kid being like, you wanna do Christmas in my dorm room? There's a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. I mean, you're sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, go back in the car. You can't even eat inside. My mom didn't have ketchup. I was like, everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses. If I went to some alcoholic's house, he would have ketchup. His whole family would be gone, but I would say, do you have ketchup? He'd be like, I'm not that gone, man.