Is It Unfair To Charge Our 19-Year-Old Rent?

If your private student loans are in default, you're not out of options. Go to yrefi.com/ramsey. Today's question comes from Tim in Pennsylvania. Our daughter is 19 years old and failed her first year of college. She applies for jobs but has a bad attitude that I'm sure shows up in interviews. My wife and I are both successful in our fields, are in baby step six, and have 1 million in retirement funds. So, it's not like she hasn't had a good example at home. what little savings she has is dwindling away from eating out and subscribing to useless phone apps. We've recently told her that she will have to start paying $150 rent starting next month. She says we are being unfair because she doesn't have a job. But we explained if we lose our jobs, the bills still have to be paid and no one gets a pass. Are we being too harsh charging a nominal rent which will go into a college fund for her if and when she decides to go back? I am sure this isn't a unique problem. This seems like a generational thing, but we want to help her launch into adulthood. Uh, well, a couple things here. You know, my personal parenting style on this is, um, I'm not going to fund her for anything. Zero. Uh, until she figures out how hard life is, uh, with a really, really bad attitude. I think that's the first thing. Um, I don't mind you, uh, charging her rent and putting more pressure on her to act like a young adult. So, I don't think you're being too harsh. I feel like you've probably been a little bit too lax uh on this situation, but the more you can not bail her out, the more that you can just let her fail, uh failure is life's best teacher. And it's going to be hard to stand by as parents and watch it, but I think that's what's necessary here. And there's a lot in this that we don't know. We there's a lot under the surface here. So, really hard to fully go at the source of this, but that's my take on on this particular specific question. Uh first and foremost, you and your wife have to be in lock step. No way can you be separated by this child who is misbehaving. Okay? The two of us have to be unified in our approach. Secondly, real love says not what feels good today, but real love says what helps this child be a successful 30-year-old. What steps can I give? What can I give her now that she doesn't have to cause her to be a successful 30-year-old? I really don't care what her pain is or her whining is in between. And um I really think that one or both of you have been way soft on this kid for a very long time. And now you're trying to make up ground and you think $150 is tough. I think $1,500 is tough. 150 is wimpy. >> Yeah. >> Because that's what she's going to have to pay if she tries to leave. Okay. So, I I'm going to take a little different position than Ken. Um number one, you're lock step. Number two, every move that you make is an act of love that is going to help her become the 30-year-old that she needs to become. And so, her problem is is that she's never really had any problems. And so, I'm going to help her have some problems. I'm going to usher problems into her life. I'm going to start creating all kinds of problems. You're paying for her cell phone. Not anymore. I'm going to take it up. We're going to sell it and you're going to if you want a cell phone, you're going to have to go get you one. Uh you're paying for her car gas. Well, not anymore. If she wants car gas, she's going to have to go get a job. Hey, you're paying for everything. And you're washing her freaking clothes. and you got to stop it. This is not a one-year-old. This is a 19-year-old with failure to launch. And uh no, Tim, this is not a generational thing. This is a parenting thing. Every generation has had people that acted like this and every generation has had productive people. This is not a generational thing. It's not all 19-year-olds are not this way. We talked to 19 year olds that are millionaires. So, you know, it's just not true. It's nothing to do with a generation. It's got to do with your kid. And so what I'm going to do is make her life hard. As hard as I can possibly make it, as quick as I can possibly make it. I want her to become highly uncomfortable because the way she's living her life deserves it. And if she keeps living her life this way, she's going to be a 30-year-old that's a complete abject failure trying to figure out why this world didn't give her what she was entitled to, which is nothing. So, I'm going to be really kind and strong and gentle, and I'm going to create all kinds of hell for her until she moves out and gets a job. I really want her to leave as fast as she can go. I want her to go get a job as fast as she can go. I want her to be so uncomfortable that she goes and gets a job and goes and gets a life and starts buying her own milk and starts buying her own bread and suddenly her character will change. It's going to be the most amazing transformation. But you are going to be called every name in the book because you've made it soft for so long and now you're changing the program. And changing the program is going to feel very unfair. Baby doll, I am sorry. I owe you an apology. We have been too soft on you and you're quickly becoming useless. And we love you too much to allow you to be useless. And I just love you so much. And so I'm going to help you have some problems because I want you to be a unbelievable success when you're 30. And so I'm we're going to create problems for you. And you're not going to like me for a while, but you need to know I love you. And you need to know I'll always make you a plate of food, but you you're I'm going to create some problems for you. See, the eagle when it builds a nest, it builds a nest out of thorns. Long 6in thorn bush thorns. And then it fills the nest with down from anything soft, anything it can find to where when the baby eagle is born, it is born in complete comfort. As the baby eagle grows in stature and begins to stretch out its little wings, the mama eagle removes the down every day a little bit more from the nest. And every day those thorns get more and more pronounced until it's almost impossible to sit in the nest. And the little baby eagle has to get up on the edge of the nest because you can no longer sit in a thorn bush in the bottom of the nest. And then when the baby eagle's up on the side of the nest, you know what it'll do? It'll start flapping its wings and it will fall. And then the wings will start working and it will glide. And you know, the mother eagle holds her breath, wondering if this is the first eagle that can't fly. But it turns out it's not. Turns out this eagle can fly. But it never would have left the nest if it was comfortable. And an eagle that doesn't leave the nest eventually is known as a turkey. And so little turkey needs to leave the nest. It's going to be good for little turkey. Gobble gobble. >> You know, >> I'm I'm so mean and nasty these days. >> No, you're not. I was following you and I thought, "Well, if the eagle becomes a turkey, then the turkey ends up on the Thanksgiving table." >> Whoa. Whoa. You get baked. >> People eat it. >> Yeah, that's it. >> The world will eat you alive. I was I was tracking the way I was trying to >> going to get eat alive. Trying to get >> Yeah, I that was >> You know, we don't serve eagle. >> That's what I'm getting. Eagle's not on. >> You don't see eagles on the Thanksgiving table. >> Huh. That's very interesting. I know. That's a good point. I had thought about that. >> I was cracking with you. I was really paying attention. My redneck buddies, they don't go eagle hunting. They go turkey hunting, though. >> No. No. That's right. We admire eagles. We eat turkeys. >> There's a bumper sticker. >> Oh, >> no. I think it's a great point. I And I, by the way, that was a very good description, but I I am all for failure. Let the kid fail. Yeah. You can't keep bailing them out because again at some point >> whatever was going on when she failed college was going on when she was in high school and was going on when she was in the sixth grade. That's right. This isn't a first time this has come up. Her little attitude >> is going to get adjusted out there. >> Right. Well, I don't think she's ever had to finish dealing with failure. She She >> She's never had to finish the results of her attitude sucking. >> That's it. That's right. cuz that that's 100% of the time a bad attitude will cause you to have a bad life. Period. And that didn't start at college and that didn't start when she was living in the basement rentree. And $150 doesn't fix that either. >> That's true. It's not stiff enough. >> Why refi refinances defaulted private student loans for struggling borrowers. Learn more at y rey.com/ramsey.