The Funniest Jessica Kirson Moments (Crowd Work Set) #130)

You guys are dressed so nice in your suit. I mean, you look so stylish. Are you guys, like, what do you guys do? I'm a, uh, judicial assistant for the Lord. That was such a long answer. I read verdicts when people get sentenced. Wow, that's heavy s***. Has anyone ever jumped over and attacked you? Wasn't that video crazy? Yeah, and she was fine the next day. She was just like, okay, the verdict is you have to go to jail. You know, I'd be in a corner flicking a light switch. Like, I'm so traumatized. I would be out of my mind. And what do you do? You're a makeup artist. Yeah, you look great. Yeah, when I do my makeup, I look like I've been passed around at a frat party. Some of you are like, don't bring that up. This crowd is so dark. I f***ing love you. What do you do? Nurse. I help people. Who f***ing cares? Where are you a nurse? Because I have a bump on my neck. I do. I've been playing with it all day. You're a gynecologist? No, you're not a gynecologist. I wonder how many lesbian gynecologists there are. Okay, let me just see how it is in there. I'm going to check if there's any Al Barnow. Let me see. Is there any cysts? Where did you guys meet? On the dance floor. On the dance floor? He's a ballroom dancer. Oh my God, he's a ballroom dancer. Do you want to come up and dance with me? Okay. This is amazing. I've never done this. I swear to God. You guys are seeing an amazing thing. But I don't know how to ballroom dance. I'll just let him lead, which is a lot because I have trust issues. Oh my God, you have tattoos on your... Oh, it says I love Jessica Curson more than anyone. I'm joking. It doesn't say that. What's your name? Yanni. Yanni. Are you Greek? I'm Hungarian. I'm Hungarian too. I'm starving. I didn't eat before the show. I'm so Hungarian right now. Now how do I do this with you? Because I don't know how to do. Oh my God, you're already twirling? Hold on, I'm going to stretch. When marimba rhythms start to play Dance with me, make me sway Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore Hold me close, sway me more Like a flower bending in the breeze Bend with me, swing with ease And when you dance you have to bear with me Stay with me, sway with me Other dancers may be... You guys aren't a couple, right? My husband's back there. Your husband's back there? How come he's sitting back there and you're sitting up here? Does he not like me? No, he didn't want to book the tickets. He didn't want to book the tickets? What do you mean? Don't, it's okay. Okay, what do you mean? I just have to know. He didn't want to come. I've heard that before. He's Canadian? I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but you're so adorable. I drive a Lincoln Nautilus. Okay, so... I feel like we're just saying random s*** here. I pretend wheat bread is not bread. Okay, um... It's a horse's nose, right? Is it called something? Like a... It's a nose? A snout? It's not a snout. No, it's... It is not a snout. Is it? It is not... Someone Google it. It's not a snout. Stop saying snout. Snout. Snout. Snout. Snout. Snout. Snout. Snout. I hate people that moonwalk. I'm sorry. Like, moonwalk into traffic on 7th Avenue. You f***ing loser. What kind of scientist are you? Like, what do you do? You're a rocket scientist? Now you're a brain sci... I feel so stupid right now. You're a brain scientist? Holy s***. Are you with him? I know you're with him at the moment. That was the strangest thing anyone... Am I on acid right now? I swear to God I feel like I'm having an acid flashback. At the moment, I'm with him. But this morning, I wasn't. Okay, and what do you do? I'm an epidemiologist. What the f*** did you just... I'm a epidemiologist. You're a what-ologist? Epidemiologist. What's an epidemiologist? It's a disease scientist. A disease scientist. You guys are so... Are you with them? You're here alone. Do you feel like you're next to the two smartest people on Earth? I can't wait to hear what you do. I teach. You teach? Okay, what do you teach? Computer science. I love that the nerds are all sitting together. What do you do for a living? I work for a city. You work for a city? Yeah. That's really... Very general. I work in a building. What do you do for the city? Communications. Okay, that's still... Very general. What do you do in communications? Communicate with the city. You communicate with the city. You are so... Now I hate you. You know how fast it turns? It's so amazing how fast I can turn from liking someone to wanting them to burn in a fire. It's amazing how fast... I'm joking. It's okay. Dad? So, and what do you do? You're a therapist. Oh, okay. Well, he's a great communicator. He really is a great communicator. Are you in a relationship? I'm not, no. Do you go on Grindr? No, I've never been in a relationship. You've never... Well, you're young. How old are you? I just turned 21 in June. I love that he just said, I've never been in a relationship, ever. I just turned 21. You need to find someone healthy. Do you think you will? Yes, I have confidence. You have confidence? I have confidence, too. And I agree for two divorces. Just find someone kind. Yes. And you can wait a while. Are you on Grindr? No, I'm not. What are you on? E-Harmony? What? I'm not on Adam's Apple. I don't know what they are. I don't know. You just need to say, I have to tell people that I'm not on Adam's Apple. That was incredible, what you just said. It should be called Adam's Apple. I'm not on testicles. It's Adam for Adam. I'm on Tinder. Tinder? Yes. Are you successful on it? No. No? Not yet. You'll hook up at this show. A lot of guys hook up at my shows. I'm serious. You're buff. Did you go to the gym today? Yes. I go every day. You fat bitch. What do you do? Oh. Do you have a private practice? Yes. I would assume people that feel like ---- about their bodies have a hard time sometimes, because you look very fit. Yeah, but I'm very nice about it. Yeah, you're... I just, I don't want you to get upset, but you're obese. But you're lovable. You're still lovable. All right, let me talk to the gay guys. I ******* love you. Are you... You have no idea what he just did. He just took a sip of his drink and went like this. What do you want to know, Jessica? You're amazing. Diane, what do you do? Cancer research. Cancer. Well, that's an upbeat topic. Let's get into that. Thanks for bringing the show to a halt. Thank you. That's very important. He just went, you're so welcome. Can you imagine if you weren't gay? You're like, actually, I'm not gay. I'm married to a woman named Nancy, and she's gorgeous. I love eating her pussy. I just put my face right in there and go, ah, she's ******* hot. Today, I made a new kitchen. I got out my hammer, and I was like... What's your name? What is it? April? Oh, my God. It's April. My name is April. You're so feminine. I love it. I'm the opposite. I have gas. April, are you excited for May? All right. I just got dizzy because I'm so medicated. I'm not even kidding. I'm seeing stars right now. April, what do you do? You're like, I work in a car dealership. You work in a car dealership? Okay, great. You sell cars? No. You repo cars? **** you. I had my car... I had my car repo. I did. What do you do for a living? I work in software. Are you guys all in software? What do you do here? I work in software. Oh, my God. Is this a software convention? How long have you guys been together? Eight years. Where'd you meet? Office. In an office? Office. Chris, what office? Software. Are you kidding me? I feel like a marching band is going to go on right now. Is anyone else in the front row in software? I'm freaking out. Oh, my God. I have never felt better about my life. I needed this. I needed this show. I'm not putting you guys down, but I do feel better that I'm a traveling clown. What do you do? I sell carpet. You sell carpet? Now we're talking. I'm a lesbian. I'm into selling carpet. I like carpet. I like eating it. I like... Have you heard of me before? Yes. Where? On the list of comics. I'm not even upset. I love you. I love your hat. Can I wear it? No. I don't wear hats ever because I'm not hopeful. When people wear hats, they're like, the day, you know, I'm excited for the day. Let me put a hat on. So you, like, you eat kale. You do yoga. Am I right? You make shakes. How old are the kids? Two and six. Tongue. Maybe one day I'll wear a hat. That's my goal. You know? What did you guys just **** your face with? That was so much food. You didn't even chew, did you? You're so high. They're dying laughing. Did you eat it too? He's high? You're high too. You're not even high, are you? A little... I love what you just did. Someone's gonna make fun of me on TikTok that I just made fun of you, but you're laughing. I ******* hate everyone. What did you guys order? Because there was so many napkins on top of the tray and there's no food. There was some chips. We had some chips. What else did you eat? Do you even ******* remember? Were you in a blackout when you just ate that food? A little bit? I love you so much. What else besides chips? Stop laughing. You're not laughing. I'm so proud of you. What else besides chips? That's all you had? Plain? Ah! There was just chips? Half the audience is dying laughing. The other half is like, what the ****'s going on? My girlfriend took me to this show and I don't understand. What the **** is wrong with this bitch? When is she gonna talk about her period? All right, so... You guys are ******* awesome. Are you a couple over here? Where'd you guys meet? At a gun range. Great. Okay. Were you like behind her like this? What? She was like that to you? Okay. Anal? No? Not yet. Why? It doesn't even hurt a lot if you go slow. Everyone that's laughing and yelling knows that's true. I love this crowd. Hi. Oh my god, that's hilarious. You put your hand up like this. You know why? Because I'm used to people asking me questions during my show sometimes. It happens all the time. So I was like, do you have a question for me? It happened the other night in New York. This woman's like, how's your daughter? That's so funny. Are you guys here together? You just met them? Did you come by yourself? I love that. People always come by themselves to my show. What'd you say? Oh, you said I come by myself all the time? That's awesome. Good for you.