Leanne Morgan： on The Real Reason Women Quit Diets ｜ Stand-up Comedy)

Let me tell you about my family. I have my husband. We live in Knoxville, Tennessee. I have my husband. Thank you. I have my husband and my three grown children. I have a 25-year-old boy that's married to a darling little girl. And then I have my 22-year-old daughter and then my 28-year-old daughter. And she's still in Knoxville with us. And so these children grew up and left me with their daddy. And he is so not fun. And so he doesn't chat. And so I'm just at home talking to myself. And we've got two beagles. And we miss these children so bad that we just sit and kiss them in the mouth. So I'm trying to adjust to just being with their daddy. And so I bought him tickets to go see Def Leppard and Journey. Okay, let me tell you. Have y'all been to concerts lately with old people that are older than I am? Okay, we went and I thought, oh, we're going to have a fun date. And I said, where are we going to go out to eat? And he goes, I don't have time for that. It was on a weeknight. So he went to the Pilot and bought himself a tall boy. And I think that's what it's called. And an egg salad sandwich from the Pilot. And so I didn't get to eat and I was so hungry. And it dawned on me at a concert, you know, when I was 20 and I'd go to a concert. I was at University of Tennessee and so I'd go to Thompson Bowl. And I'd wear a crop top. And I didn't care about eating. I wasn't hungry, you know. I was thinking what boys were going to be there. And I had on little bitty breeches. Because I still had a metabolism and my thyroid was acting right. Okay. So we go to Def Leppard and Journey. And everybody there is our age. And everybody's worried about the snack bar. First of all. And I was too. And I was so hungry. And I noticed that people had big Diet Cokes. Like big buckets of Diet Coke. And were sucking on those big buckets of Diet Coke. While the concert was going on. And every once in a while somebody would stand up. And then they'd sit back down. Journey has a little bitty fiddler from another country. Singing for them. And he's yummy. He looks like a little M&M. You could put him in your pocket. And you could tell he doesn't eat white flour and sugar. And he's singing and doing. He sounds like Steve Perry. But it's not the same. You know Steve Perry's my boo. So it was like we were going to a tribute concert. But anyway. Everybody in the band besides this little fella. Everybody had eaten white flour and sugar. Probably had done dope. And drank terrible things. And everybody looked sick. And the bass player looked like somebody I had bought my jewelry from. For years. And they were just barely going. And then Def Leppard came out. That lead singer, I think he's got thyroid issues. His hair was just thin. And didn't have a lux to it. And then I noticed he had little bitty tiny legs. And a little pot belly stomach. But he sang put some sugar on it. Which I hate that mess. I am a earth, wind, and fire R&B gal. And I love my journey. But I was like this isn't my thing. And my husband every once in a while would go. And then just sit down. Because he loves it. But anyway, this little man with the tiny little legs. And the thinning hair. And then he had this little bump right here. And I could tell that's a hernia. He's got a hernia. And I bet that he hadn't had time to get it fixed. He hadn't had time to put a mesh in. And you can just see it. It looks like my stomach. Because I've had a hernia. But I've had mine fixed. And I thought oh bless his heart. But he'd do. And he'd prop a little thin frill leg up on something. I thought isn't it funny how things have changed. Since I went to concerts when I was 20. Everybody was walking out like this. Because everybody had inflammation in their feet. Trying to get to their car. And it was like 10 o'clock. I thought what are we doing out here? What are we doing? We're home. We've got to get in the van. I've had three beautiful children that I'm in love with. I have a son who is 14 years old now. I cannot believe it. Thank you. And I have two little girls that are 11 and 9. And my baby child is in 4th grade now. I cannot believe it. When she went to kindergarten a few years back. That was going to be the first time that I was going to be by myself all day long. From 8 to 3. All by myself. I nearly grieved myself to death. I thought Lord what am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky-tonking. About three weeks into kindergarten I was like. It's your birthday. Now I ain't going to get a pap smear without somebody sitting on my head. I'll never forget the day that I found out about her. And I feel terrible about it now. But I was overwhelmed. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel good. I thought oh my gosh. Surely I'm not pregnant this quick this soon. And you know when you got to know something you got to know it right then. I had to know right then. I grabbed up my two babies and diaper bag and all that stuff you take with you everywhere you go. And I went to the Walmart. In the foothills of the Appalachia Mountains. And I bought an EPT pregnancy test. And I took it in the stall at Walmart. And I tinkled on it. And my 3 year old boy looked at me and he said. What is it positive? And it was. So I drove home just as fast as I could. And I called my husband at work. And I said you're trying to kill me. With a slow vaginal death. Is that what you're trying to. Well you're not going to. You better get home right now. Cause I'm going to walk out in the woods and let the animals eat me. But let me explain to y'all why I was so torn up. I had a 13 month old baby girl in diapers. And a 3 year old little boy. In Superman panties. With doo doo balls falling out. At the grocery store. I thought oh my lord. Did anybody see that? I don't have anything in my purse to pick it up with. Is some little child going to think it's a milk dud. Let's just keep on moving everybody. Just keep on moving. But God knew better than I did. Because she's been a doll baby. But she's ruined. And I know I'm the one who did it. I was tired. And beat down. So. Anybody here who has more than 2. You know goodnight by that 3rd and 4th. When you got to let them do what they got to do. You know. So. They said you're going to for 10 weeks. You're going to do CrossFit 3 days a week. And you're going to do the Paleo diet. The Paleo diet. Is what God put upon this earth to sustain us. And he knows what we need. So. It's lean meats. Fruits. Vegetables. Nuts. Berries. And seeds. So if you can run it down and kill it. Dig it out of the ground. Pick it off of a bush. You can eat it. That means no dairy. No grains of any kind. But when they take it. Lean meats. Fruits. Vegetables. Nuts. And berries. You think. That's not so bad. Okay. But no dairy. No grains. When's the last time anybody in here got off of white flour? Anybody? Can you clap? Can you clap or are you too weak? Anybody here been hooked on heroin? Anybody? I've never been hooked on heroin. Praise God. But I was raised watching Shaft. I don't know if y'all watched that when y'all were little. On TV. And they would always have somebody getting off of heroin. It looked like a booger. It looked like an awful booger. And I'm not trying to belittle that. But I'm telling you. I shook. Getting off of sugar. And white flour. I was drinking coffee 24 hours a day. My teeth got yellow. I had to have those bleached. My husband said, You are so hateful. Will you please eat a piece of white bread? But church gone big and I did it, honey. We did it. And I mean. Then they took our after picture. It took, you know, 10 weeks later. And I did not lose that much weight. It was like 8 or 9 pounds. But my body turned into somebody else's body, honey. And it was pretty cute. And I leaned out and I thought, Oh my gosh. And so then they took our after picture. And I made sure I got a spray tan. And I had a really good bra on. And I took that picture. And I'm ashamed to tell y'all. But I won that competition. No. Stop. I don't deserve to be applauded. I know y'all are thinking, Oh gosh, Leanne. That's wonderful. But what happened? What happened, Leanne? I'll tell you what happened. I did okay for about 3 weeks. And then I spotted a tortilla. That's what happened. And I believe that God allows this. When your children get in about, I don't know, junior, senior in high school. Because He knows that you're grieving. Because they're going to leave. And He knows that you're going to take to the bed. Over it. So, they're junior and senior year. Something happens. And they change on you. And they get to be the meanest people you've ever been around. So, by the time they're ready to leave, you kick their crap out onto the curb. Her junior year, this started. Okay. The very breath that I breathed out of my nostrils made her so angry. We were not allowed to eat cereal in our own home. Because she couldn't stand to hear us chew. And I don't mean to talk about her. Because she had a lot on her. She had a lot on her. Like, she had to empty the dishwasher. That's a lot. You know. I'll give you all an example. Okay. At the University of Tennessee. And her sorority, these girls will come home. You know. And I'll cook for them and do. And I'm tickled. Alright. Well, they, like Memphis Nashville girls. Well, a little girl came home with her. And spent two nights. So, I washed that little thing's clothes. And all I said was. All I said to this little girl was. Katie. You're so tiny. Your little underwear looks like a slingshot. That little girl thought it was funny. And my baby went. So, I got out of there. So, when that little girl left. I came back in. I went, what's wrong? With me saying that her little panties look like a slingshot. I wish somebody would say. My panties look like a slingshot. My panties look like. Have you all ever seen Mel Gibson in Braveheart? You know when they pull that big ball out. And that thing looks like. It's a catapult. They pull that big ball. Fling it. And kill a bunch of children with it. That's what my panties look like. Do you all know who owns Victoria's Secret? I used to buy my panties at Victoria's Secret. But they started cutting me in two. Alright. Do you all know who. Seriously. Do you all know who owns it? Satan. Okay, so.