JORDAN JENSEN STAND-UP ｜ Best Comedy Moments #133)

I was inspired because I got into the Uber, an Uber the other day and the guy had a touch of the downs. It was great. I didn't say ----. I just buckled up. I was like, I'm ready to die. Let's do it. He was a great driver though. He was a really good driver. Better than any female Uber driver I've ever had. That's just the truth. You know how it is. You got to get the airport on time. You're like, skip on this bitch. Tell you what, pass. He was amazing though. He drove like the wind. I gave him five stars. There you go. They made a down syndrome Barbie. Did you see that? Crazy. I would have loved to have that job. You know what I mean? The designing it just closer, even closer. I know this is crazy. Closer, a little closer. There she is. There she is. This is fun. I'm breaking you guys slowly. Do we have bi people in here? Wow. That whole table. Yeah. I can tell the table of witches. I don't want to date women. I know I could, I would slay. I would, you know, I'd be really good at it. I got these hands, but I can't. I don't like it. Women are ******* annoying. You're annoying. You're annoying. I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I check into my friends once a week and I call the girl and she picks up and she goes, can I ask you a question? And I was like, go for it. And she goes, do you ever think I'll ever be able to undo my anxious avoidant attachment style? And I hung up. I hung up on her. I hung up. I called my buddy in Nashville, the man, I call him, he picks up, he goes, can I ask you a question? I was like, yeah, let's, I hope it's better than the one I just got. He goes, all right, just a quick question. You ever happen to see a possum hustle? And I was like, hell yeah. That is why I date men. Right there. Okay. I like this guy going at that cake. Go at it. Yes. Get it. Nice. I wish I was eating that. I wish I was your mouth right now. You know what I mean? I have a cake problem. I have an eating problem. I think in general, I want to be skinny enough where I can make demands of men. All my hot friends do this thing where they're like, I told him to text me good night every night before bed. And now he does it. It's amazing. I'm like, if I did that, they'd be like, oh, perfect. I was on the fence anyway. Get the **** out of here, bitch. Are you kidding me? The ****? I date men. Isn't that crazy? I was raised by a pack of lesbians. That's why I'm like this. I don't know how to be feminine. I don't know how I've tried everything. I've tried pulling the sweater up over the palms and nothing helps. It's your birthday. Happy birthday. Okay. That's why you're a little off the chain. All right. Are you embarrassed? Yeah. No, you're totally he can't be why do you pay for his? Oh, okay. Really? You've been like this for three years. He doesn't mind. Every day you just wake up and you're like, I'm gonna be this person. I never want I always wonder what people like you are like, I'm gonna go to a comedy show. And I'm gonna say some really funny ---- that makes it impossible for the comedian to do their job. And nobody can hear me because I don't have a microphone, but she'll hear me and she'll know that I'm doing her dream. How did you meet? Nice. That makes sense. I was trying to think of something trashy and you beat me to it. I was gonna go with scrap metal yard, but you walked up to her and she was like, I'm pregnant. Sorry. Okay. Was that noise? Somebody washed out a popcorn bowl. That's what that sounds like. It sounds like somebody trying to play the bowls. Oh, sorry. I apologize. Anyway, wait. I think it's a power, a power hose, like sink hitting a metal bowl like this. Do you think that's right? What? It's not popcorn, you *******, it's like the sound of popping. What the **** is wrong with you? The **** are you talking about? I know what popping sounds like. Excuse me, excuse me, sir, who's serving this drink right here. Do you know what that sound is? Okay. All right. Are you mentally, is he handicapped? Dude, just shut up. You have to stop. I know, I know you love me, but there's nothing worse than a positive heckler. You know what I mean? Do you want me to talk to you for a second? Is that what you want me to do? What's going on? Yes, you may have, you were forgiven. Like my sister forgave herself. I felt really good. Whatever that was, whatever touching that man's head as he bowed to me, whatever that is in the world, I could get down with that. That was nice. And that's what religion does. That's why priests **** kids. I don't know. Whatever happened right there, I don't know. That could make me **** a kid. Whatever just happened there, that could make me powerful enough to be like, I can **** anything including kids. Okay. I went through a breakup nine times this year with the same guy. What? Can you not put your arm around her when I say that I went through? Thank you so much. Piece of ----. The **** was that? Did you break up with her a bunch and that's why you put your arm around her? What? No, there's something happening. Huh? Oh, you're just friends? But did you go through a breakup and he's consoling you? Oh, okay. Why are you putting your arm around your friend, dude? Don't be weird. All right. Are you really just friends? You ever bunged before? Banged? Bunged? Oh, he's your fitness trainer. Then why the **** are you ******* putting your arm around your goddamn clients? I'm not even a comedian. I'm a ******* undercover cop. You're under arrest. Get the **** out of here. No, that's hot as hell, dude. I'm bringing that into the spank bank later. You know what I mean? Five years. How does that happen? I don't know. So you guys met, no hiccups, no breaks, no? I was an alcoholic for a little bit. Oh, and then you got sober. So that became, so you've dated two people. That's great. That rules. Do you kind of miss? You know what I mean? I would rather date an alcoholic that beat the ---- out of me than a stoner who like chews on his hoodie strings. That's how I feel. You know what I mean? Like I don't like that about myself, but that is the truth. I can't, the weed thing, you know what it is? I'm not a good time. If you're high, I'm scary. I'm like, would you still love me if I killed nine people? That's not good. They're always having more fun high and just having a good time without you. It feels like they're cheating on you. Come back to hell with me. I can date somebody addicted to meth. I'd be fine. That's what Rob Holford was going, oh yeah, dude. All right. I'm going to keep talking to you, but I want you to respond in shorter sentences if that's cool. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're not good at that. I can tell, but we're going to get better at it as this goes on. You're going to be the A plus audience member if I do this. No, no, no. Even that was a little too long. To be honest with you, I don't need you to say anything. I'm going to say what I'm going to say, no matter what you say. You know what I mean? You're just going to distract me by saying Rob's Russian. Yeah, even what you're doing now, not so good. How did he die? Can I ask that? Too much. We talked about this. He talked about it, and I put you to the test, and you failed. I said, how did he die? Not give me the full breakdown of the timeline of his degeneration. A staph infection. Look how easy that was. I'm on Prozac, so I can't come. I just can't. Is anybody on Prozac? Whoa, that was weird. That was so weird. Everybody was silent, and then everybody said yes all at once. This is crazy. Cool. You guys are on Prozac? Do you like Lexapro? Why is chat GPT, chat Geppetto up on my phone? That chatbot, everybody's freaking out about it. Do you love it? People are like, what if it doesn't die? I'm like, I got one word for you, water. Okay. Hello. Sorry. You like Lexapro? Can you come? Can you come? Can you come on it? Sometimes. What? Sometimes. Sometimes. What she means by sometimes is when I'm alone. Did you get bullied? Nice. You get called fat? Did you become a bully? Oh, you were sensitive. I became a bully. I bullied. I bullied back. I got it right back. I bullied the wrong kids, though. I bullied the kids who are autistic and make a lot of money now. Do you remember the kids? Do you remember these kids? Everybody had one in their class who would just rub their penis on things. Do you remember that kid? He would just, and the teachers would be like, just let him, you know, finish? What? Let him finish? You want me to let him come? What are we doing? Do you remember that kid? There were the girls who would do it, the little girls, but that was more like over the sprinkler. Remember those girls? Just hanging out on the side of the pool with the jets. I see a plane flying over my building. I'm like, I bet that plane crashed. You're worried that a plane, so that's not really OCD. You're just a bit of a pussy. No offense. No offense. No offense. My problem with OCD, I have to take it if I'm in a relationship because with OCD, are you bad in a relationship? You tell me. Oh, you're not dating? Oh, yikes. You're in that position? You're in this? No, we're not. As she snuggles up to you. We're not. I'll never touch his penis ever. I love him and make him go on weird dates with me that aren't really dates, but they're kind of like dates and they feel like a date to him, but they're not. Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, okay. But he doesn't do things? He does things. We don't do all things together though. Okay. I'm learning. I'm learning. Cool. Boundaries, distance, space. That sounds good. I could do that. I can't do that. I'm always you, buddy. Just so you know, I'm always you. I'm always the buddy going on a date. And then the second I'm like, Hey, by the way, we could. He's like, Oh, I'm not a ******* gay man. I'm like, Oh, sorry. Sorry. Are you guys shaving? Do we shave? We wax? What do we do? Triangles? Not landing strips. Landing strips are out, right? Airplane guy is triggered. I hope he doesn't leave me. My last therapist broke up with me. Does anybody have that happen? Really? If you graduated, I'll kill myself. So be careful. She was an old lady and she said depression was too new. What do you mean too new? What was she used to? You are so fucked up. If a *******, if Gandalf comes in, it was like, I think you need somebody a little bit more wise than myself. Just surrounded in dust and books, just ******* glasses on top of glasses. I think you're going to need somebody with a little bit more time under the belt. Okay. You're a little bit too fucked up for me. I ain't seen anything like this in the last 900 years. That's awful. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Mine was a 24 year old. Okay. She's an idiot. I hate her. I don't hide anything from him. I hide everything. Do you guys know how our vaginas get shaved? Have you ever seen a shaved vagina? You have a glass shower. Not only are you shaving your vagina and already look like a monster, but it's distorting you. Oh my God. You probably just left him and just thought he was like tripping. He was like, it's the glass. It can't be really what I'm seeing. It's not even closed the door. It's just open to her. She's like, oh yeah, it's the glass. It's the glass. Okay, cool. But you got rid of Peter Pan who was good in bed. It's the worst. And you think you have an intellectual connection with them because the sex is so good. So why do I feel so smart with good sex? I'm like, I'm brilliant. The way that I just came was a genius level come. This guy got me to squirt one time. Has anybody done that? It really squirted me gay. Is it able to happen multiple times? I bathed myself in the fountains of her vagina. She showers behind the glass and I shower under her pussy. I don't know why I'm giving him a Scottish accent. Get back in here. It's so funny watching girls leave versus guys. Every time the girl looks like, sorry, sorry to your left leg, sorry to your right leg, sorry to your future, sorry to your past, sorry to your husband, sorry to your mother. I miss you. I love you. Goodbye. And then he's like, excuse me. Anyway, it's funny to watch. We're so apologetic. We should stop being apologetic. We should stop. We should be, we should be discussing. I heard a woman the other day sneeze like this. She wasn't a woman. She was my therapist. She goes like this. She sneezes. And I said, grow up right to her face. I don't know. I said, grow the **** up.