JORDAN JENSEN WAS ALWAYS ON FIRE ｜ Stand-up Comedy Highlights #139)

That New York is angry because I'm an angry person. That's, this Barbie movie has got to stop. The pink, what are we doing? That's not what we do. I was leaning on a fence last night and I was like this and a guy walked by and went, hey, depression Barbie. And I was like, isn't that crazy? Have you guys seen the Barbie movie? How come everybody's seeing it? It feels a little brainwashy. What's going on? Everybody's like, you have to see the movie. Join us. Is Down syndrome Barbie in it? Do you guys know about Down syndrome Barbie? You do? Okay. They made Down syndrome Barbie. Incredible. She's spectacular. I don't know how they show that she's Down syndrome Barbie. You know what I mean? Her shoes are just on backwards. I don't know. I don't know what her accessories are. Are you going through a breakup right now? What? You just been through, what's that accent? That is a gravel in Australia. Australia. Wow. Really crazy. Really wild. You sound like a lot of our Upper West Side dogs. Wow. That scared me. Okay. Um, okay. You just been through one. Did she break up with you or did you break up with her? You just wanted to try. I get it. It looked really funny. You can do it. It's okay. That is so funny. That's what I'm always worried I'm going to do on airplanes. I'm not scared about dying. I would love to die. You kidding me? I'm worried about doing weird ----. I'm worried about running up and down the aisle and barking like a dog. Oh, biting people's ankles. Why does nobody ever get weird? I just think it's nuts that they lock in a tube. And they're like, okay, see y'all in six hours. Everybody be normal. Bye. Whoa, dude. In New York, it's the best because there's one, you know, crazy guy in every train car who's like, So you're fine on airplanes. I'm like, I'm going to be that guy. Um, okay. So you Italian? Oh, gross. Please. I want to die. You know what? Listen to me. We need religion back. We do because this is what's happening is that, okay, here's how it is with women. They're like, they're, you're like, what do you worship? And they're like cow horns and, and, and the moon and the, and Cyclops and the meridian of whatever the ****. And then you ask men and they're like, oh, they, they have their own deities. They have Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan or Sam Harris. Okay. You can't, no, none of this is right. Okay. You can't worship some dude that's alive. All right. People are like, I love Joe Rogan. I'm like, your deity cannot be a dude who looks like a baseball man and a baseball at the same time. You can't, that cannot be who you worship. You grew up fat. If you grew up, yeah, but you're a boy. I'm talking about women. You, you both grew up fat. Are you dating? No. Okay. All right. The girl who grew up fat, do you have, do you have good cursive? Yeah, I know you do. If you grew up a fat girl, you have the best cursive ever. I don't know who we were trying to ******* trick. Like we thought some dude would read the letter and be like, Ooh, this is a hot girl. And then they see us and they're like, this should have been an all caps, bitch. What the ****? You grew up a fat boy. You did really? Is it, are you insecure sexually? No. Really? Yeah. But your guys are gay. He gets to be on bottom a lot. I'm jealous of gay guys for that. Are you the bottom though? Ex fat man. Are you catching or pitching fat boy? He's catching. If he was pitching, he'd say something, you know what I mean? He'd stay, he'd be standing on the chair. How do you think he broke up with you? Yeah. You crazy girl? What was he doing? Having alone time? He said, I've been doing a lot of thinking. How come it's always when we're having a good time that they got to text ---- like that? I'm like, you never had a ******* thought in your life, dog. And now I'm at a goddamn wedding in Mexico and you're starting to think about things. That's okay. I'm a crazy girl. I'm a detective that nobody hired. I'm the ******* worst dog. I'm awful. I do that ----. I'm like, so why don't you tell me what it is? And then I go, what it is? And I'm like, you know what it is. Why don't you tell me what it is? And they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm like, all right, if I don't know what I'm talking about and you don't know what I'm talking about, one of us knows what I'm talking about. And I'm saying it's you that knows what I'm talking about. So why don't you shut the **** up and tell me what it is? And they're like, it is over. And I'm like, I knew it. Clap if you, if you recline your, your chair out of place. Clap if you don't. Bro, do you see how crazy that is? Did everybody who reclines? You all thought we all were reclining, right? It's insane to not recline. Sir, you're against me. Tell me what? Oh, you're an asshole. You're an asshole. Okay, hear me out. Hear me out. If we all go back, we're all ******* lounging. That's a great flight. You can't be the one narc that keeps us forward. I can't believe that. That's a good poll though. Isn't that crazy? You had no idea there was that big of a divide, did you? Okay, let's do one more poll. Men, do you like when your nipples are touched during sex? Clap if you do. Okay, men, does it do absolutely nothing when your nipples are touched during sex? That's a crazy split. We're fine to divide. You know what's real crazy? Let me blow your minds. The dude who refuses to put his seat back loves his nipples touched. That's really, that's the big kicker of the whole night. You don't live in New York, do you? I can tell. Motor manufacturer. We don't have any of you. Could you stand up? Would you mind standing up? Come up here. Okay, first of all, now in New York, men only wear Patagonia. It's just a fashion thing. They do not need any outdoorsy material. They're all NPR beta cucks on leashes. Let's throw the boots up. Can you pull the boots up here? You can put them right on my knee. Put it right there. Look at these. That's a hole. That's a hole in a Timberland. Okay. He actually does labor. You see that? All right. What else we got? We got this hat. What's on the back of the hat? That's a Boston hat. This is a hard man. Okay. We got the traps. All right. What do we do for a living? You work. Sit the **** back down. Sit the **** down. You had me tricked. God damn. You think. You think you see one laborer. One member of the proletariat. What do you do? Do you edit? Are you a ******* editor? What? Are those really blue? Can I wear those? Oh yeah. This feels great. This feels really good. Are you doing okay over there? Okay, great. I feel like I'm in the matrix. It's really nice. Where are you guys from? Are you guys Indian? Is this arranged marriages? Nice dude. No. Yours is arranged? Who's happier? We're gonna get to the bottom of this right now. Can you close your eyes, sir? Ma'am. Look at her cuddling up. They're happier. **** this ----. I want an arranged marriage. Did you get to see a picture of him first? See, it's arranged marriages. It's Tinder, okay? It's Tinder. They're swiping. They're swiping, all right? And then when you met, were you like, eh? Or were you like, let's do this? Really? Wow, you're Indian. But you sound like a mechanic. That's crazy. They're in an arranged marriage. Out here looking Indian as hell. And he goes, my dad hooked it up with her dad. Now, now here we are. I don't know what the **** happened. Pretty bad OCD. Does anybody have OCD in here? You over there. Do you have the real kind or the fake kind that my whore sister has? I hate... Dude, do you have the real kind? What do you got? What's your thing? That's bullshit, okay? That's not OCD. If you really have OCD, it's something obscure. It's ---- like this. Like you have to cross every crack in the sidewalk. You have to be like, you have to have like the perfect thought. You know what I mean? Like when I was little, it was like, please don't have my mom die. Please don't have my house burned. And now it's like, please don't let me say lit in public. You know what I mean? It's ---- like that. No, it's okay. I used to have the washing hands one. That's probably real. Do you have friends who are like, I'm OCD too. I have to organize my wine glasses from biggest to smallest. Meanwhile, I'm in the bathroom, like wiping my asshole to a bloody pulp. Are you treated for it? You taking drugs? Huh? I don't believe this bitch. Okay. I don't believe this. I think it's an excuse for you to be ******* Nazi when friends come over. You know what I mean? Take your shoes off immediately. I have OCD. It's just an OCD compulsion of mine. I am single right now. Is anybody single in here? Oh, yikes. I don't want to be, you know, accompanied by the dude in the back who goes, there's a ******* goblin in the back. I hate that. Just some guy who yells, let's go. When he comes, get out of here. How old are you? Are you really young? See, you can't listen to me. You're 26 years old. This is your problem. I'm going to tell you. You're a Peter Pan little child because you just said I'm 26 about to turn 27. Nobody ******* cares that you're 26 and three quarters. When I was ******* 27, you know what I mean? I had like a beard and a goddamn coal mining job. You know what I mean? You boys are soft out here. What are we going to do about this boy? You're going to, okay. Here's what you're going to have to do. You're going to have to register yourself as a pedophile and then, and then you're going to have to date a 14 year old. I have a really bad OCD. Does anybody have OCD in here? Yeah. What kind of OCD? What do you got? I have a debilitating cold. Oh, what is it? Poles? A metaphobia. It's fear of vomiting. Fear of what? Vomiting. That's not a fear. Everybody vomits around vomit. No, no, no. You've got, so, so if I go right now, does that get you? Everybody, see how everybody went. Don't you guys have questions? I just feel like vomit phobia is like, I have a phobia of people stabbing me. It's like, yeah, it sucks, dude. You haven't thrown up in 12 years? That's okay. I haven't thrown up much either, but you can keep a limit right now. You know what I mean? I'm not actually sure what that means. So if one of your friends barfs around you, you are not holding that bitch's hair back, huh? Um, these are looking good for now. They don't vomit. They, they have, Not you. Support her, so we don't actually black out to the point of vomiting profusely. It's been really hard for us, but we wanted to honor our friends. Are you like a recurrent squirter? Not, not mitosis? I don't even know. Are you setting a boundary right now? Are you setting a boundary with me right now? Have you met me, dude? You think I can deal with a boundary? I'll respect your boundary, because legally I have to, I think. So how many times have you squirted? Is it with a partner? Is it with somebody else? What's your social security number? So I just got into porn. I apologize. It's why it's on my, you can, yeah, you know what I'm into? You guys can probably guess. I'm into incest porn. Yeah, I love it. Do you like it? You think duty, okay. I'm sick of your bullshit, all right? You set up boundaries. How about my boundary, all right? I fucked my stepbrother one time, and you come in here hot, making accusations that I like incest porn, which I love. He was a liar. He was married. Oh, you were a gumar, dude. Could I call him? Oh, **** yeah. Tell me the number. Huh? I want you to, yeah. Wait, we have to make a plan. You want me to be you, okay. No, because then you're calling from a different number than your crazy girl number. I don't want that. See how I know that too well? It's because I'm a crazy girl. I need an app on my phone that makes it so you can't call your ex unless there's like three signatures or something, and one of which cannot be a homeless person. Speak your phone. Yeah, obviously. I'm a woman with a vagina. Every phone I buy is like this. All my friends are like, you mind if I speak your phone right now? I'm like, no. Amira is your name? Yes. We don't know his wife's name. No. And his name is? Mohammed. I don't feel comfortable doing this.