The Ones with Chandler from Season 2

You are dead meat. I didn't know it was a big secret. No, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same lines as, say, oh, I don't know, having a third nipple. You have a third nipple? You bitch. Whip it out. Whip it out. Yeah, yeah. Come on. There's nothing to see. It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless. Oh, as opposed to your other multifunctional nipples. I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. Joey, what do you think a nubbin was? I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that's what it was. Joey? Ma? Joey! Chandler? What are you still doing here? I thought you guys took off. Oh, no, no, no. She took off. With my clothes? Are you naked in there? Well, not exactly. I'm wearing panties. You always wear panties? No, no. This is the first time. Wow. Talk about your bad luck. I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. I was not trying them out. Suzy asked me to wear them. Well, let me see. No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. All right, all right. Whoa. Someone's flossing. Joey, some people don't like that. Chandler's wearing panties. Let me see. No, no. You don't have to see. Hi, Tushy. All right. One of you give me your underpants. Oh, no, no, no. Can't help you. I'm not wearing any. How can you not be wearing any underwear? Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. All right, look. Ross, I'll give you $50 for your underpants. Hey. I've had enough of this, all right? Gunther. These guys are trying to take our seat. Fellas, these guys were here first. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize. There you go. Thank you, Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that. He told on us? You told on us? Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. Don't play with his things. I know. All right. Let's take this outside. Who talks like that? The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that. You had to ask. Yeah. Okay, okay, look. See, the thing is, we're not going to fight you guys. Well, then, here's the deal. You won't have to, so long as you never, ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again. What have you been up to? Oh, you know. Teaching aerobics. Partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. I love her. I know. I'm back. So, are we going to get together or what? Absolutely. How about tomorrow afternoon? Do you know Central Perk in the village? Say five-ish? Great. I'll see you then. Okay. Having a phone has finally paid off. Okay, even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow, she's probably going to realize, hey, you're not Bob. I am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table. Oh, my God. You are pure evil. Okay, pure evil. Horny and alone. I've done this. There's only one banana nut muffin left. Well, order mine first. Yeah, but I'm so much faster. Give it to me. No. Give it to me. Okay, you can have it. Enjoy your coffee. That was there when I got here. You will never guess who's coming to New York. Quick, Phoebe, tell us before you can swallow. Okay, Ryan, that guy I went out with who's in the Navy. You went out with a guy in the Navy? Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in saltwater taffy because he didn't have any change. Hey, is that when you rode saltwater taffy man? No. No, he is my submarine guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time, he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay. Wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time? Mm-mm. That'll teach you to lick my muffin. Hi. Oh, no, what happened? I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox. Are you kidding? Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're going to get it. Well, I've had it. Yeah, I've had it. Had it. I haven't ever had it. I feel so left out. Oh, look. Wow, I don't know what to say. Eh, what do you say? I don't know. It's a bracelet. Isn't it? And it's engraved, too. Check it out. To my best bud. Thanks, best bud. Put it on. Oh, now? No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. Oh, no, no, that's the beauty part. It goes with everything. You put this on, you're good to go. Oh, man. You are so wearing that bracelet. I so am. Hey, whoa, whoa, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? You're standing here, huh? Hey, hey, those guys are taking her stuff. God, that was amazing. That was incredible. You guys kicked butt. Us? What about you guys? Man, you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? I wouldn't know, having missed everything. Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope. So, listen, guys, are we, uh... Are we okay here? We're okay. Okay, so, can I have my hat back? No. Man, this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat? That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years. Oh, look. What? The spoon. You licked and you put. Yeah, so? Well, don't you see how gross that is? I mean, that's like you're using my toothbrush. You used my toothbrush. Oh, that was only because I used the red one to unclog the drain. Mine is the red one. Oh, God. Can open, worms everywhere. Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap? Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning. All right, well, next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash. You will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. Hey. This woman, Allison, from work, she is great. She's pretty, she's smart, and, uh, I've been holding off asking her out in the past because she has a, uh... unusually large head. But I'm not going to let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me, I'm growing. Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see philosopher wanted? Hmm, sure. My God, that's a big head. It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick, list five things you like about her. Nice smile, good dresser, big head, big head, big head. What was that? Hi. Um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other. Yeah, all right, that sounds all right. Oh, good, okay. No, I have to go because I'm late for my, um, green eggs and ham discussion group. Um, tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun, bye. That was so lame. I know, yeah. Okay, talk to him. So, you, uh, you think that speed racer guy gets a lot of tickets, or...? That's good, that's good. So, so, so, who broke up with who? What, are you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia. That's good, man, when everybody knows that the, uh, the capital of Cambodia is, uh... Well, it's not Sean Penn. Not Sean Penn. All right, I got a funny one, all right? My last girlfriend, Tilly, okay, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes, right, and all of a sudden she turns to me, all right, and she says, Eddie, I say, yeah, and she says, Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore. And it was literally like she had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart and smeared it all over my life, you know? Hey, Monica, we got a question. All right, for the zillionth time, yes, I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no, I don't look. No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight. We have an extra ticket. Yeah, Ross can't go, so it's between my friend Eric Prower, who has breath issues, and Dan with the poking. Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee? Okay. Why don't you ask Richard? Okay, uh, hey, Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smelled and one who bruises you, who would you pick? Wow. Well, being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan. Okay. That's Eric. Glad to be of help. Matches. I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What? Come on. He keeps his fingers to himself, and he's always minty fresh. I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything. It's just that we don't know him really well, you know? And plus, he's, you know, old. Err, than some people. But, uh, younger than some buildings. Just seems so futile. You know? All these women and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. Well, now you understand how I feel every single day. Okay? The world is my lesbian wedding. I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? All right, look, penis schmenus. Okay? We're all people. So, how's your date with your cyber chick going? Ooh, hey, what is all that? Oh, it's a website. It's the Guggenheim Museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words. What does she mean by HH? It means we're holding hands. Are you the cutest? I'm afraid I might just be. You know what I think is so great that you are totally into this person, yet for all you know, she could be, like, 90 years old or have two heads or... It could be a guy. Okay, it's not a guy, all right? I know her. It could be, like, a big, giant guy. I am not interested in the guy's apartment. Oh, please. I saw the way you were checking out his moldings. You want it. Why would I want another apartment? Huh? I've already got an apartment that I love. Well, it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while. All right, you want the truth? I'm thinking about it. What? I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old. I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't need a roommate either, okay? I can afford to live here by myself. You know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware. What are you getting so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie. Hi. It's me. Oh. My. God. You called Janice? Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend? You remember Janice, right? Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody. Hello. Oh. My. God. Jeez, look how fat she got. Everybody. Janice, you're... Yes, I am. Is it... Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. Oh. Congratulations. Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry. You couldn't have told me about this over the phone? And what? Missed the expression on your face? Oh, no. Janice likes to have her fun. Pecan sandy? Just made them. Yeah, all right. What are these, raisins? Uh, sure. Why not? Listen, Eddie, um... I've been thinking about our current living situation, and, uh... Why are you smiling? I got a little surprise. Look. That's a new fishy. I named him, uh... Chandler. You know, after... After you. Well, that's not even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker. So what's your point, man? Okay. Goodnight. You big freak in nature. Listen, Bing, I received your memo, so we're not gonna see the systems report until next Friday? Well, the people in my group want to spend the holiday weekend with their family. I have a family. I'm gonna be here. Yeah, Bing, what's that about? It's about cutting my people a little slack, you know, for morale. Look, if you want to see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday. Rough numbers? This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right, Mr. Turner? Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday. If you say so, sir. Joseph's good, isn't he? Well, I'm going to kill you. Hey, hey. I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up. You know, get in there, ruffle some feathers. Why? Look, I'm sorry, but that's what Joseph does. Okay? If you try to pull something, he'll call you on it. What are you trying to pull, he'll say. You had sex today? Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, okay? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. Wow. Now, I know it's been a while, but I took that as a good sign. Still doing the screaming thing? I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again. Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day. And just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy. Bob here. Oh, hi. So, uh, you met someone, huh? Yes. Yes, I did. In fact, two hours ago. So, uh, how was he? Eh. Eh? Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name. Well, that makes me feel so good. It was just so awkward and bumpy. Well, maybe he has some kind of, uh, new, uh, cool style that you're not familiar with. And, uh, maybe you have to get used to it. Well, there really wasn't much time to get used to it, if you know what I mean. It's 6.30 in the morning. We're not working out. It's over. No way! With one pound to go? Come on! We're working. We're moving. We're in the zone. We're grooving. Okay, I don't... I don't mind the last pound, okay? In fact, I kind of like the last pound. Okay, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret. Oh, what you gonna do, fat boy, huh? What? Nothing. Except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have. Wow, thanks! Yeah, I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work. Thanks. You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed. Uh-huh. And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. Well, no, but I... I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all. You know, I try to stay positive. So you... you feel like going for a run? All right. Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here. Okay. Just for a little while. Okay. Where is he? Where's Richard? Did you ditch him? Yeah, right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you? He's parking the car. Don't you guys have fun? Your boyfriend is so cool. Really? Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 bucks, me for 15. Wow. He must like you the best. Oh, and what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats? He never even saw the money. It was like this. Hey, Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats. You're welcome. Hey, Joey, thanks for parking the car. No problem. Hey, Chandler. I think they get it. Okay. There's the man. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. You're getting better. I'm gonna keep this, by the way. Okay. He kept my dollar. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you? Because it's breast milk and you're not supposed to do that. Duh. I think I know how to heat breast milk. Okay. Duh! What did you just do? I licked my arm. What? It's breast milk. So, baby, that is juice squeezed from a person. What is the big deal? No, no. Joey. Duh! What did you just do? Okay, can people stop drinking the breast milk? You won't even taste it? No. Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. Hey. How did we do? Oh, I tasted Ben's milk and Ross freaked out. I did not freak out. Why'd you freak out? Because it's breast milk. It's gross. My breast milk is gross? This should be fun. No, no, Carol, there's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults. Of course, the packaging does appeal to grown-ups anyway. Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it. It's no big deal. Come on, just taste it. That would be no. Come on. Try it. No. It doesn't taste bad. Yeah, it tastes kind of sweet. Sort of like, uh, like what? Cantaloupe juice. Exactly. You've tasted it. You've, you've, you've tasted it? Uh-huh. Oh, you've tasted it. You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. Get me the bottle. Get me the towel. Where's my bow? Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm going to see you again. Well, I'm guessing, uh, tonight at the coffeehouse. Right, yeah, okay. Uh, take care. Yeah. You know, you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. No, inside good. Outside bad. You guys are so pathetic. Oh, oh, Xanadu! She's one of us now. Hi, you guys. Hey. Well, we just wanted to stop by and, uh, say goodnight. Goodnight. Look at that. They won't even turn their heads. All right, you guys. Taking off my shirt. Nah, she's lying. Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question. Where is she? Chandler, relax, Chandler. She'll be here. Oh, oh, oh, that's her. Yeah, because life's just that kind. Chandler, you've got to stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot. You know, if you keep looking at it, then the door is never going to boil. I think what you have to do is try not to... Oh, my God. Hey. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today. Oh, that's okay. You, uh, you had a thing? Yeah, well, I hear the place looks great. Oh, forget about it. I'm having a ball. How's the apartment doing? Oh, hey, it's terrific. I mean, it's a regular space... fest. Oh, well, great. Yeah, I just, you know, wanted to call and say hey. Well, okay, then. Was that the oven timer? That's right, my friend. It's time for... Bee Watch! Can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer? I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant. Uh, you're just saying that because you're in love with Yasmeen Bleat. Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmeen Bleat? Hey, hey, they're running. See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time running. Run. Run, Yasmeen, run like me. Hey, pal. Eddie, what are you still doing here? Just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. Man alive, this thing's fantastic. Look, Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything? Oh, yeah, that's right. Look, I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one. Yeah, maybe because the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now? Well, unless it's got something to do with dehydrating, my man, because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac. Look, you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time I got... You know what that is? Your last roommate's kidney? That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.