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The Winnipeg Comedy Festival proudly presents I Heart Love. And now please welcome a man who loves loving, your host, Will Sasso! Hi. Hi. Hi, everybody. My name is Will, I'm an actor and a schmactor and who cares. Welcome to the I Heart Love show. Now, the subject of love isn't one that I'm willingly open to discuss and while I'm really happy to be here with all of you guys tonight and honored that the festival has asked me to host, when I found out that the show was themed love, I immediately tried to back out. I couldn't. I already signed the contract. I don't know how to read. Okay. You know, it's always a gift to come home to Canada and do show business. I'm from BC and I moved to LA for show business a little over 20 years ago. I was 20 years old back then and love was like the last thing on my mind because I was a fat virgin. Now, I got rid of one of those labels minutes after moving to LA, but the love part of it continued to evade me. Or maybe the truth is I evaded it. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter. I'm, of course, talking about romantic love. I do really well with other kinds of love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love being outside. I love the outdoors. I love cute stuff like babies and dogs. So everything should be fine, right? No, it's not fine. It's not fine at all. I'm in my early 40s and I'm not in love. I don't have a wife or kids or even someone else's kids. My wife lied about being mine. Any of that stuff would be fine. But it's just me down there and the clock is ticking, as they say. Not because the clock is, but like most Americans, my doctors told me that I will die soon. So it's just something I'd like to move on with my life and get done. Sometimes I'll be back in BC visiting my friends and my family. Perhaps I'll be doing show business anywhere in Canada. I'll meet a good Canadian woman and I'll muse about what it would be like to marry her and bring her down to California. We'd have kids and live happily ever after. But inevitably she'll work somewhere that she can't leave or something like that. Like a restaurant or office or whatever. I'll come to learn that she loves her career. She hates LA. But I'm a good dude. It's nice to hang out with you. Then maybe a few weeks or a month later I'll be back somewhere in Canada in her area and ask her to hang out again. But she can't because she's dating one of the guys that works at the restaurant or the office or whatever. And later still I'll check her Facebook page and her profile picture is now just like a baby and a dog. She's changed her last name because she got married to the guy from the restaurant or the office. It doesn't matter. Anyway, I've got a couple movies and a TV show coming up. Okay, you know what? Tell you what. How about we get our first comedian out here to clean up this boring, depressing, self-important mess that I've made. And I'll go backstage and I'll come up with some funny stuff to say because you guys deserve it. And then I'll come back out and I'll say some funny stuff. What do you think? Thank you. Oh my God. Okay, thank you. I don't feel so bad now. You guys are the best. Let's start the show. This performer reminds me a lot of me when I was young. He's on the move. He's stylish. Full of life. Asian. Okay, well, you know. Maybe not the stylish part. Here is the very funny Joe Vu. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. So my name is Joe. And like a lot of people in the world I've been looking for love on Tinder. I read a study about online dating that said a woman's number one fear is that the guy will turn out to be a serial killer. But I always thought a woman's number one fear is that the guy is Asian. No, it's true. Besides Asian women not a lot of women want to date Asian men. They found on average an Asian guy needs to make close to a quarter of a million dollars more to get the same response rates as white guys. But let me ask you this. How many Asian serial killers have you heard of? You know, I blame this whole mess on Hollywood because Hollywood doesn't care about Asian guys. When was the last time you watched on TV and you saw an Asian guy on TV kiss a non-Asian woman? Right? Like the only example I can think of is The Walking Dead. Right? Glenn kisses Maggie. And that's awesome. That's a big step forward. Let's celebrate. Until you think about it. It took a zombie apocalypse for that to happen. The Asian guy literally is one of the last men on earth. And I have to say I always feel a lot of pressure when I talk to an audience member off stage after I have a good set. Because what they just saw was the best version of me. Right? Like these are my best thoughts written out, practiced, rehearsed, performed. The real me, off stage I don't even speak English. What I was saying earlier about how women not dating Asian guys it's true. That's why I won't tell a girl I'm Asian until the third date. Thank you. I'm just kidding. You can't hide the fact that you're Asian. You can downplay it. It's always the worst when I'm trying to downplay how super Asian I am. When I'm at an Asian restaurant and the waiter locks eyes with me starts to speak to me in my language and I pretend I'm like I'm sorry I don't speak your language. I don't understand a single word that's coming out of your mouth. Dad. I like that joke because in that joke I just made my dad a waiter. Like in real life my dad's a doctor and in real life my dad wanted me to be a doctor but I'm a waiter. Yeah. I recently broke up from a long term relationship so I'm starting to date again that's why I'm on Tinder but these days I find it hard to meet girls. It's just like hard to meet girls especially when I don't look at them talk to them or approach them. Guys have this fantasy right where they just think that hot women will approach them and be like I saw you not looking at me. That was so cool the way you didn't say or do anything. I just love guys that lurk in the shadows. And I get it right the fear of rejection talking to a stranger and there's a saying that's meant to give you courage you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And I like that saying it made sense found out who said it Wayne Gretzky and I was like what is the leading goal score of all time know about the pain of missing shots? Right? Because life is complicated Gretzky dating is complicated great one. You could be the best shooter in the world you could be like skating down the rink about to take your shot and then you realize that some nets don't even like shooters they like other nets. And my parents they're really rooting me on because they want grandchildren so they're constantly setting me up on so many dates like they recently tried to set me up I was at the bank helping my parents person helping me was this cute Vietnamese girl and I was like ok for sure at some point during this transaction my parents are going to embarrass me. 10 minutes into the paperwork my mom says Joe can play the piano just randomly like unprompted Joe can play the piano Joe has a masters Joe's single I was like mom she doesn't need to hear my life story we're just here for our TFSAs and then my dad he joins in he slides his phone across the table towards the girl and he's like here's some naked pictures of Joe as a baby and I'm thinking how embarrassing is it that the only person in the world that has dick pics of me on their phone is my dad so I take his phone I put it in my pocket so he can't reach it anymore and I'm so embarrassed at this point I'm making eye contact with her she's staring back at me and she's laughing and she's smiling and it's like we've shared this embarrassing moment together I'm thinking maybe one day in the future I'm going to marry this girl this is going to be the story we tell at our wedding and this actually happened three months ago since then I've talked to her I've asked her to come out to see me do comedy and tonight guys there she is yeah I'm just kidding yeah she said no guys thank you so much my name is Joe When the Winnipeg Comedy Festival returns Jen Rent will steal your heart What is the key to any successful relationship? A lack of options Here with her take on tonight's theme of love is the lovely Jen Grant It's so nice to be here I just got in a fight with my boyfriend because he likes to insist that he wears the pants in the relationship you know one of these he's like I wear the pants in the relationship I'm like fine you wear the pants but they're capris you know he's uh younger than me oh yeah oh yes younger guys which makes me uh attractive I know people get very excited when they find out I have a younger boyfriend they're so into it like it's creepy they're like oh my god look at you robbing the cradle I don't like that saying the cradle it's a bit much the cradle how about robbing the university I feel better or robbing the Axe body spray aisle at Shoppers Drug Mart I heard you guys call me a cougar and it didn't hurt my feelings so don't worry about it you know why because I'm not a cougar okay yeah I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary a cougar is an older woman going to bars hunting younger men for the record I did not hunt him okay he hunted me okay he hunted me he was a cub looking for his mama so I'm really happy in my relationship there's like drama every once in a while like I had a pregnancy scare concern little while ago I don't know what you want to call it but I had to go to the drugstore and get a home pregnancy test and that's quite a day I went in usually I shop at Shoppers I love it I'm like getting so many things this one day I'm like one thing need to know what's happening so I get to the cash and for some reason my bank card isn't working I know it works every time why isn't it working this one time it's like she's looking at me like ---- I hope the test is negative she can't even afford the test and it's life brand you know what else is hard in a relationship sleeping with someone right and I don't mean sex get your mind out of the gutter sir I mean actually sleeping like sleeping in a bed with someone I can see why old people get their own rooms you know what I mean it's true it's really hard and don't get me wrong I'm a good sleeper once I'm asleep I can sleep a really long time but sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep which I think is mostly a female issue men seem to fall asleep in five seconds and it's annoying isn't it it's like don't you worry about anything what the hell they don't and they admit it they're like oh no I'm empty I'm good you guys have the better life I hope you know that you guys got it good because you can shut down your brain we can't as women can we we're always going always seriously even during sex and I try okay to turn it off because for women to enjoy sex we need to focus on what's going on it's got quiet everyone's like if I laugh does that mean I have sex yes it does but that's true I think for most women you got to focus on what's happening I mean you always meet that one woman that's like I don't know what you mean I orgasm at spin class okay good for you anyway but it's like this terrible joke that God played on us because we're supposed to focus on what's happening but our mind wanders right so I'm like focus feels good yeah feels good groceries why groceries right now here's where it's so unfair is that you men it's so good for you men you have to think of something else so you don't enjoy it too much that is so unfair you guys are like oh my god this is amazing every time and we're like hope so you know you men have to be like hockey hockey hockey oops you know my I think my neighbors are in a good relationship because I can hear them bow chicka bow bow a lot in the apartment building I live in there's really thin walls and my bedroom is right next to their bedroom for sure I know it and I think my headboard is actually against their headboard so I really hear it you know in the afternoon I think they like to have a lot of afternoon delights it's that unmistakable sound right so I do what anybody would do and I get a glass and I really get a good how do they do it this is how they do it they non-stop this is what I heard the entire time okay I'm not exaggerating jimmy jimmy jimmy jimmy jimmy like a hundred jimmies I'm not even jimmy jimmy jimmy like and I'm like is that a safe word should we help someone so I was dying to meet these people it just never worked out that we came out in the hallway at the same time this one day I finally get to meet them I get to put a face to jimmy so we come they come out in the hallway and the girls there and the guy and I'm like oh my gosh nice to meet you and she's like hi my name is heather this is dave I was like what when we return you and jacob samuel are a match made in heaven you know being in a relationship can be referred to as being off the market as in he's no longer on the market like you've been yanked off the shelves because they found traces of e coli in you well our next guest has been tested and he is definitely 100% unadulterated funny please put your hands together for jacob samuel wow thank you so I'm not sure if this is normal for a long-term relationship but my girlfriend and I get asked a lot whether we are siblings and look we used to say no immediately but now I say yes and then we make out it's my first time in a serious relationship so I've had the thought like I may only be with one woman for the rest of my life am I okay with the number I've been with in the past intimately and I think I am my number is 12 so every time I buy eggs I'm like good times right none of these were fertilized what surprised me most about being in a serious relationship is that I now enjoy going to the gym more than I ever have before because it's a lot easier now because my goal is just to get a good body for a relationship that's just whatever body got you into the relationship now just maintain it's a much lower bar than the body you need for dating by about six abs so now whenever I go to the beach and I see really fit people I just think wow you must be so alone to be motivated to look like that right I do remember a fair amount of women I dated were turned off once they found out that I'm a jazz lover see limited enthusiasm and I mean that in two ways one I enjoy the music and two I'm a jazz lover because I make love like jazz because the way I make love is not very popular I start off with a few familiar moves and then an hour of weird improv that will put you to sleep and once a year there's a festival but I dated a lot and I got into a relationship and relationships are great because you learn so much from the other person from their experiences my girlfriend for example she took gender studies classes in university so she's taught me to be much more polite in how I talk about sex because a lot of my guy friends still pretty vulgar they'll say things like oh I banged that girl or I nailed that lady and then I have to be like I'm pretty sure the proper term is that you empowered her right anyway I love empowering women it's one of my favorite things to do my favorite way to do it is in the sex position of respect and integrity style and most of you probably still call that doggy style and you need to get with the times instead of missionary I'll just say overseas volunteer and then for a reverse cowgirl I go with the reverse independent yet upwardly mobile business woman my girlfriend she presented me with a list of all the celebrities she said she's allowed to sleep with if she ever runs into them and I was upset but then she said that I could also have a list of celebrities so I just copied her list exactly so that way if we ever run into John Mayer I can be like hold on you guys I'm coming too because he's also on my list because it's important to do things together as a couple so you have shared memories my girlfriend is not just my girlfriend anymore she is now also my landlord which has advantages for example I can pay my rent using only my sexual abilities plus the exact amount of money I owe for rent so this is the hardest I've ever had to work look the truth is that I'm not in that relationship anymore it ended but I promise you I was very much in that relationship when I submitted my material to the Winnipeg Comedy Festival and then they booked me to perform here tonight for television so I've just been stuck telling these jokes you know to you they're jokes I hope to me this is like breakup purgatory but performing here is great for me because the last few months have been challenging you know I went through this breakup and then out of nowhere I got evicted guys thank you so much you know some people use the word single some people like to say I'm unattached I prefer to say I'm leaving my emergency contact number blank please welcome a performer who like me will die alone the very funny Amanda Brooke Perron it's so nice to be here I have social anxiety and I'm incredibly single so it's a huge nightmare to be here tonight I was telling my therapist about the social anxiety and she was like oh you have social anxiety do you find yourself involuntarily sweating and I was like well I'm certainly not voluntarily sweating what do you mean I feel like my therapist just thinks I wait in parks for people to approach so I could be like release the hounds it's true I don't like the whole part about going on a date and not knowing what you're gonna get like three days ago I opened up tinder and this was an actual person's bio he was like straight up I'm a dad and if my kids call I will leave you in the middle of the night that's a very specific time frame on when you plan to abandon me I was in Bali because my brother got married there because he's one of those garbage people that do destination weddings yeah I was there I went with my family and I was newly single and I don't know if you guys know this but in Bali there's like tons of Australians because it's like their Mexico but like without walls and stuff the walls but so I opened up tinder and obviously the first person that messages me is an Australian guy and he's like good day sorry I just got to get into character there's a shack in the water okay we're there shack water he goes could I? do you know the French kisses? and I was like yeah I'm not a virgin he goes do you know the Australian kisses? and I was like I don't know but I feel like a joke's about to happen then he writes an Australian kiss is like a French kiss but down under absolutely not no incorrect if you're titillated you're wrong that's not a go not today sir I was like I'm used to Canadian kisses which is where you kiss someone like they're your mom and then apologize for space invasion I don't this is a part that I don't like about being single it's all the beds I got to test out because is this a hetero male thing where you have to own a shitty bed in order to become a man? what is that? it's gart like you for sure have slept on some shitty beds in your life so this is my ex boyfriend's room picture if you will just like a ditch that sometimes homeless people piss into it's like the overall ambiance of the space his bed was the worst thing I've ever slept on first of all a twin get out of here the pillow situation was out of control I have four pillows and that's like pretty luxurious he had two one was a couch cushion and the other pillow was just a pillow with a pillow case with just some very casual blood on it blood you guys casual blood cause I was like hey where did the blood come from and he went ah yeah I don't know he shrugged he shrugged you guys I'm like mostly telling you this in case I end up on making a murderer season two body number two it's in his bedroom before I leave you guys I want to tell you about my favorite online message I've ever received it was from when I was on OkCupid and my username was Montel Jordan JDaddy38 writes already a solid start right out of the gate JDaddy hi there I think we're on the same page just looking for someone interested in a great ongoing casual all bold letters safe sex relationship let me know what you think cheers Jason so I wrote back sorry Jason I only like dangerous sex you know like in a cave or on an extreme mountain bike good luck with your little bitch helmet sex Amanda it's been so lovely thank you walk down the aisle tie the knot and settle down with Jackie Cation next on the Winnipeg Comedy Festival can love be found? yes can it last? yes is it really weird and specific and unromantic 99% of the time? yes yes and yes please welcome a woman who proves all of the above the hilarious Jackie Cation hello Canada I feel so safe here right now hey you should know socially awkward always been socially awkward never had any friends as a child I have a lot of siblings plenty of people to hang out with but no friends no friends I had an imaginary friend for too long too long Steve Steve and I met when I was 7 he was 11 he had a motorbike we had a lot of good times you guys a lot of good times here's how you know you've had an imaginary friend for too long when he becomes your imaginary lover I was 14 he was 18 it was about to become statutory we both knew better we had a lovely last weekend in the Alps and then we called it a day but now I am married I am a social I am a beacon of hope for the socially awkward you guys and my husband is a video game designer he makes video games for a living and everything has a game mechanic everything has a game some portion it's all games all the time with him and like I don't know what I'm doing in a relationship he is my first boyfriend my first husband my first anything you know I got some action I'm not going to lie to you but here's a scoop though I don't know what I'm doing you know that thing when you go you have to go to a work thing or a family thing that you do not want to go to he is an adult man he has had short term relationships and long term relationships so he knows that when that happens to him he says hey there's a thing happening it's not going to be fun will you come with me and I say yes I would love to be of some use in this union let's do it but I have never asked him because I always think well I don't even want to go to this thing why would I bring the guy that I like the best until six months ago when I had a small meltdown and I said in this tone of voice please come with me to the thing and he said yeah of course why didn't you just ask and I said I didn't want to be a burden and he did a thing that I recommend you do if you're ever in a relationship with me he laughed in my face he didn't laugh at me he just laughed and he goes I'm pretty sure that's what marriage is we're just a burden on each other that's the whole thing but he's a game mechanic right he's a game designer so the game he said here's the game here's a game idea every time you think you're being a burden on me give me a dollar and every time I think I'm being a burden on you I'll give you a dollar and I promise you we will never need another dollar in our lives we will trade that dollar back and forth for the next 40 years and I was like well you're adorable and that game sounds terrible and he said it's a prototype we would have to play test it see here's the thing he is a game designer all things have a game mechanic I get weird text messages sometimes he likes to say things like I got a text message from the grocery store hey the user interface here is broken I don't know how long I'll be and so I called him and I said what what is the user interface at the grocery store and he said the line it should be one line like at the bank but it is many lines and so I don't know if I've chosen correctly and so I don't know how long I'm gonna be and I said I'm hanging up but my favorite one is last year he went to his first ever strip club now I have been doing stand-up comedy forever and I've been hanging out with dirt bags for a long time and have been to many strip clubs but he had never been to a strip club because every other bachelor party he had been to had been a board game bachelor party and not crummy board games good board games settlers ticket to ride pandemic get out there treat yourselves right okay now I get a text message from him and it says hey we're going to a strip club I'm gonna go look at boobs and so I texted him back and I said well have a good time come home to mine and later I get a text message and it said what game is this and so I called him and I said it's not it's not a game it's just noodley ladies being noodley that's the whole game and he goes oh there's a game here there's a there's a lot of there's an AI and a UI and a lot of bots telling you to keep your hands and feet in the ride there's certainly a lot of in-game purchasing going on I don't like it I don't like it I said well delete the app delete the app and so but he knows what he's doing right he's been in short term and long term so he knows a couple of months ago we were just sitting around in the living room and he says to me you know sometimes when you're in a relationship for a long time the mystery can be lost from that relationship and I just want you to know that I was just staring at you from across the room and I was thinking to myself what the hell is she doing? So you guys I still got it I still got the mystery it's still happening thanks a lot you guys. You'll totally fall for Patrick Hay coming up next on the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. Here to tell us how to keep a relationship together is the hilarious Patrick Hay. Love love love we're here to talk about love love love love. We've all had our episodes of love or what we thought was love and what is what makes a relationship work like what really makes a relationship work like once you get past the drugs and the alcohol what is the glue to and when it starts there's a lot of dating all kinds of dating like usually movies they move dinner and movies and stuff like like actually this question for the guys guys you ever go to the movies with your girl and she asks questions to the whole movie like a good TV show or movie and especially at the movies man like I don't remember when we were buying tickets looking at you saying you know I can tell you everything that's about to happen like and I was out the other day I was out the other day with a girlfriend of mine we're just having beer wings hanging out chilling and there was a couple in the booth next to us and their conversation made me laugh because they were talking about Viagra and their conversation was this the girl was saying if a guy use Viagra on me I'm think it's a trick it's not honest it's a trick it's a trick she kept saying it's a trick and the guy was like but if the dude is using that like he's trying to make the experience better for the both of you she goes I don't care I don't think it's honest it's a trick it's a trick it's a trick she kept saying it's a trick and I thought that was funny and hilarious because because guys guys don't think that way like if you put the shoes on the other feet like if there was a pill that a woman could take and I won't even make it sexual if there was a pill that a woman could take where you couldn't talk or ask questions for the next 8 to 12 hours like I wouldn't feel tricked I'd be like you did that for me I don't love you enough woman I need to hold on to you wouldn't feel tricked I think how much you care in relationships changes I was doing a show a while ago there was a couple in the audience celebrating their 40th anniversary 40 years together that's incredible to go through the highs and lows and you know the ups and downs and still have love for one another after all that time that's incredible you one of the lucky ones you blessed you really are and they were talking about renewing vows now that part I always thought was funny to renew vows after 40 years you know what I mean it's funny to me because if you think about it like you wouldn't marry them again talk to me about renewing vows I hate you now the mortgage is almost paid off can't you just die just die and the questions the questions that go back and forth between couples and relationships are always funny like women got a question this is a woman's question here what are you thinking that's a woman question your comedians crack that joke all the time what are you thinking but guys it's okay because she's trying to get to know you that's why she's asking she's trying to get to know you she wants to know what's in your heart what's in your mind she wants to know what it would everything you know she's trying to get closer to you and that's cool and women guys don't ask you what you're thinking because we don't care to get to know you like that but guys do ask questions though guys do ask questions and every guy in here has done it we've all done it and the guy's question happens after sex that's when the guy's question comes things will happen in the bedroom you finish up and you roll over and you look at her and be like did you did the magic happen did you did you reach the mountaintop that's when the guy will ask every guy in here has done it and ladies I'll break it down for you this is where it comes from it comes from our love of sports comes from our love of sports and even more so the press conference there's the interviews and analysis you have to answer questions for how you just played in the game I would rather the girl ask questions after sex that's right just like a press conference I would rather things happen and then she rolls over and she looks at me and she says well how do you feel about your performance tonight that's right and guys you have to answer whether it's good or bad just like a press conference you have to answer if it's good it's like well you know tonight was one of those special nights you know you prepare for moments like this your whole life I had a good warm-up I felt strong going in you know I felt like I was in the zone tonight like I could just keep going you know some great teamwork some great teamwork down the stretch I was the go-to guy and let's not forget that this is a game of inches tonight I managed to get every inch and I can't believe I didn't say this first I'd like to thank God for this opportunity press conference even if it's bad guys you still have to answer even if it's bad if it's bad it's like well the defense was strong I couldn't penetrate the zone there were some key moments of the game where I came up short didn't go deep like I wanted to and you don't want to have a string of bad games because I don't want to get traded I don't want to stay on this team I think I can still contribute to this team and I and I don't want to make any excuses but you know my hamstring anyway also this wasn't a way game I usually play way better at home I play you know you guys been awesome my name is Patrick a have a good night please all right thank you very much that is it for the I heart love show you know they say love is never had to say that you're sorry but being back home here in Canada I've realized that love is actually always having to say you're sorry so so I'm I'm sorry Canada I love you goodnight