People get DIVORCED in AMERICA. 👀 - Zarna Garg

I could never keep a poker face. I would be like, but you and I both know he did it. So I decided, you know what, I'm going to stay home. I'm going to support my husband. I'm going to raise my kids. I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years. 16 years of being home with the kids full time, I learned something. I'm not that into them. So I found the only job that keeps me out of the house nights and weekends. I mean, kids aren't even allowed in here. I have no idea what's going on at my house right now. There could be a meth lab. But I've been married for 23 years. See, this is why I love my American audience. Because here, if you're not divorced, you're a hero. If I say the same thing back home, I've been married 23 years, they're like, so? You get married, you stay married. Do you know how marriage works? What do you want, a participation trophy? And we are very relaxed about the whole till death do us part thing. Because we believe in reincarnation. We are like, if you're stuck with a complete dud this time, next time you get George Clooney. I have no complaints. I'm married to a really nice man. We are the perfect Indian couple. We do math for fun. We take romantic walks in the park and discuss interest rates. The last time we refinanced, I got pregnant with my third. And we have three kids. Only the oldest boy is important. All the brown boys up front, they're nodding, right? You get that, right? You're like, that's why we're out on a Wednesday night, all the oldest ones here. What young one is coming out tonight? No. Read the newspaper. No, we got lucky. We have two boys, woo-hoo. One girl, whatever about her. The whole oldest boy thing is not just an Indian thing. Look at the royal family. That Prince William, he's got it made. He's going to be king. But bichara Harry, he couldn't even get on the British baking show. He had to move to California to get any attention. But my husband, he's a great guy. He went to a good college, has an amazing job. He's what you here would call a catch. I know this because his mother reminds me every day. And he has a superpower. I shouldn't be so surprised, because back in the day, he was a chess champion. I know what you're all thinking, chess champion, sexy. So his superpower is logic. Exactly, what do you do with logic? Maybe if you're stuck in an escape room someday. Otherwise, what do you do with logic? You know, it's as if I'm married to Clark Kent, who never becomes Superman. If a big bookshelf falls on my head, do I really need him explaining to me that I put too much stuff in it? Or if my check luggage is overweight at the airport, I need him pointing out that I took too many towels from the hotel? Nobody needs logic. And you know, when I first started doing this joke, he didn't like it. He's like, I don't like it. I said, but why? You are my Superman. He goes, how can I be Superman? They took out all the phone booths. Where will I change into the costume? By the way, what do you call an escape room in India? Arranged marriage. So my oldest is my daughter. She's a freshman this year at Stanford University. Thank you. So when she got in, immediately, I called my mother-in-law to flex. Wouldn't you do that? Wouldn't you brag about this? And you know what she said to me, my mother-in-law? She said to me, how good can the college be if it's taking so many girls? You see, she is what you here would call a cunt. I don't complain about her too much. Because without her, what would I get up here and say? What would I say? I would be like, I'm happy. I'm fine. I, too, have self-esteem. Let's face it. Without her, I would have no act. But now my kid is in college, and it's all about making friends, making friends. I was like, why? Make friends when you join Doctors Without Borders. And she's like, mom, be serious. I have to make some friends. I said, OK, I'm going to give you the guidelines on who you can be friends with. You cannot be friends with any communications majors. No sociology, no geology, no anthropology. What even is that? Everybody's dead. No kids who play music, no kids who do drama. Recruited athletes. Do I even need to say the words? And she's like, so I can't have any friends. I said, I didn't say that. Did I say that? No, right? I said, comp sci is good. Engineering, pre-med, basically all the Indian kids. And she's like, what if I meet an Indian kid who is an art major? I said, that doesn't exist. And if you meet that kid, get his mother's phone number. We might need to check on her. She might be about to jump in front of a train.