Trevor Noah_ The Most AGGRESSIVE Language in the World! _ Comedy Stand Up

One of the biggest things we don't appreciate in South Africa, I've learned to appreciate it since I moved to the U.S. Is what a civil relationship we have with our police. We can fight with our police when they stop us. With not one thought in your head of losing your life. That's a luxury in America. I didn't even think about that. I just moved to the U.S. to start working on The Daily Show. And one day I was driving and I got pulled over by a policeman. And I get pulled over by this policeman. And being pulled over by the police in America is a stressful experience. Because they make it a game show. Where you've got to try and figure out what's going on. In South Africa it's simple. Straight to the point. You get pulled over. The Metro Police comes there. He tells you, my friend, you are speeding. License. Letter, letter, letter. License. Plus no seatbelt. License. Then immediately you're in the game. Oh, come on, man. Come on. Don't come on. Nothing here. Seatbelt. Letter, license. Letter, license. Busy driving here. Shoemaker. Yeah. Now you're in the game. You know, it's time to talk. It's time to work things out. In America they don't play that game. Policeman walked up to my window. I was sitting in the car. Got up there. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon. Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Shouldn't you know why? Why are you asking me? No, I don't know. Sorry, what did you say? I said I don't know why you pulled me over. I pulled you over, sir, because you were speeding. Oh, okay. I didn't know. Do you know how fast you were going, sir? Did you not check your notes before you came? I feel like this is part of your... Now I'm doing your job and my job at the same time. Sir, are you giving me attitude? No, I'm not giving you attitude. I'm just saying you can't ask me why you stopped me and then ask me how fast I was going. Next thing you're going to ask me to write my own tickets. Sir, are you giving me attitude? You're going to get out of this car right now. Sir, are you giving me attitude? And I was just talking to the guy. Because I was like, look, man, you can't say... Here's the craziest thing the cop said to me. He looked at me and he's like, sir, I'll tell you something. You were going 100 miles an hour. And I was like, 100 miles an hour? He's like, I was like, how did you know that? Where's your... Can I see the thing? He's like, what are you talking about? I was like, show me your gun. And he's like, I got... No, not that one. I'm like, whoa, I want to see the laser gun. Show me the speed. He's like, I don't need that, sir. I estimated that you were going 100 miles. I was like, estimated? What does 100 look like? You can't just estimate 100. So he's just going to look. He's like, I can do that. Okay, I can look and I estimate. I'm like, dude, that's a dangerous thing to do. So you just look and then you go, that guy's going 100. You can't just estimate. Imagine if I just do that with you. I'm like, estimate. You can't just do that. You're saying that it's not fair for you to... It's a weird experience with police over there. And my friend was in the passenger seat. He was shitting himself the whole time. He was just like, yo, dude, shut up. Yo, dude, shut up. Shut up, Trevor. Shut up, Trevor. You're going to get us killed. Shut up, Trevor. I was like, what do you mean, get us killed for what? Why are we getting killed now? He's like, shut up, Trevor. Shut up, Trevor. I take that for granted because in America, you could get shot. And you read stories and you see stories of black Americans getting shot, and that is true. You see police all the time. White police in America, police in general in America are trigger happy. They don't play games. It's all racism. It's just police as a whole. Shoot first, ask questions later. There they are. You! Freeze! Should I get that order right? We take for granted the relationship we have here. In America, you read stories of people getting shot because they pulled out their wallets. In South Africa, you'll get shot because you didn't pull out your wallet. We're always talking. That's my favorite thing about South African police. Is that you feel like you're part of what's happening. Pull over, the cop comes there. How are you, sir? I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I don't know if you saw here. Let me just show you. Can you see here? Check the numbers. Check the numbers. See that one there? Top score. See that? Top score. See that number there? What does that number say? It says 160. If it was Pac-Man, you have an extra life now. 160. So, what are we doing now? Malume. What are we doing now? Malume. Hey, yeah, I know my man. I know. They feel your pain. We're in this together. I almost feel like we need to send South African police. We need to send South African police to America. Just so that Americans can learn what it's like to have a functional police force that's not always threatening to end your life. You know? A police force where you can communicate. Where you can air your differences without fear of mortal retribution. Wouldn't that be great? To have Americans in sticky situations. There they are. At a standoff. The police pull up. Alright, we're going to hand you over. We've got a Sergeant Matabula here. He's a specialist from South Africa. We're going to hand you over. Hello. Hello sir, how are you? Man, I ain't coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm greeting you. How are you? Don't just shout here. We are talking. How are you? I'm fine, man. Thank you very much for asking. How are you? I'm doing good. Thank you very much. Okay, what's going on here, my brother? Look, man. That ---- y'all trying to pin on me. It ain't true, man. I'm innocent. Okay. I'm in jail. That's not true. Just come out, we can talk. I know what y'all going to do, man. I got two options. I'm going to die. I'm going to spend my life in jail. There's another option. It involves a cold drink. Doesn't have to be this way. I just got back from Atlanta. It was 107 degrees Fahrenheit. Hot as well. The worst thing is everyone comes up to me and they go, well, you must be used to this, being from Africa. No, I'm not. I'm from Africa, but that ---- is hot. That was just, no. I was scared to go jogging because I thought if I ran out in the streets and fainted, wouldn't the local news love that? I'd be running and I'd fall down in the heat. They would have their vans reporting live. They'd be standing there going, so hot in Atlanta, even Africans are fainting. So I'm enjoying this. Really happy to be here, you know. This is going to be good for us, I hope. I say I hope because I never know with stand-up comedy. It's just an awkward experience, I find. I'm always nervous. I find comedy is very similar to sex for me. It's exactly like sex when you think about it. It's me, the comedian, playing the role of the man. And you, the audience, the role of the woman. Because it's my job to satisfy you. And you just have to sit there. And then, just like sex, my success or failure will somehow be determined by how much noise you make during my performance. Which makes it a one-sided affair, I feel, you know. Maybe you're the quiet type. I hope we have magic tonight. I hope we create something wonderful. I mean, for many of us, it's our first time together and that means it might be awkward. I understand this. And if that's the case, I want you to know I'll see that I'm freaking you out and I'll stop. I'll stop and I'll flip you back over and we'll go back to the simple stuff. I've been in America for a few months now and I'm really just thrown by the place. It's not what I expected at all. Different from the brochures and the pamphlets. There's many assumptions I had about America before I came here and I've come to learn that those were wrong. For one, I just assumed people spoke English here. That's far from it. It's not, you know what, it's not so much the language so much as the pronunciation of words that throws me off. It's just what Americans have done with the language. You guys have just, wow. You've just, you've done something. You've put 22s on the English language. You've got rims that just pimp my language. That's what you've gone with, you know. I don't understand. I was chatting to this woman downtown the other day. She came up to me and she wanted me to see something. I don't know what though. She was like, oh my God, look over there. I said, look over what? She's like, over there. Look at that her. And I said, her? She's like, no, her, her. There's two of them? I understand nothing. Even the small words, just the pronunciation. You know, small things that get you by. For instance, I pronounce the opposites of uncle as aunt. I say my aunt. Out here you say my ant, which to me is an insect. Which made me look like an ass when my friend told me his ant died. And I was like, so what? There's tons of those out there. What a great way to end a friendship. I couldn't get help the other day when searching for a battery for my remote control. Because that's what I say, battery. A small form of power. So in America you say battery, which to me is a different form of power. Sponsored by Chris Brown. And you know what, I understand. We live on different sides of the globe, so it's fine, the language will evolve. This is something I've come to understand. But I hope I change one thing in your hearts forever. Just one thing, and that is that animal in the wild that looks like a horse, it has black and white stripes. Do me a favor, from now on, please, it's not zebra, okay? It's zebra. Yeah? Just like it's not deebra, it's debra. Same structure of word. Plus you cannot name them because you do not have them. Zebra. It's madness. Everything out here is different. Do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here? You have to change everything. There's a measurement system, which is just, I mean, America, you guys have your own thing, the imperial system, you know? On my side of the world, we use the metric system, it goes into each other, and out here you have imperial, which is fine, I mean, I won't judge you. If you want to be imaginary, that's up to you. But I just feel like there's some consistency that's needed. Small things, like for instance, when we abbreviate our small measurement, milligrams, we use M-G. Milligrams. M-G, milligrams. And you guys have ounces, ounces, which you then abbreviate O-Z. There's no Z in the word. Ounces. That's pale in comparison to what you've done with pounds. That, for me, please explain to me how the abbreviation for pounds became L-B-S. L-B, pounds. I look like the idiot walking into the store going, could I please have the two labs bag of sugar? Guy was like, you mean pounds? I said, I don't see the P. No, I don't. He said, well, it means pounds. It's not L-B-S. A lot of bullshit. That's what it stands for. This is horrible. In fact, it's crazy. You do realize the imperial system is so inefficient that even American drug dealers have switched over to metric. Even drug dealers got to the point where they said, we need some order. We're going with metric. And I honestly thought this was an anomaly. I thought, you know what, this is just one of those things, it's a coincidence. But it's not. Americans do not care about abbreviation nor the English language. They don't give a damn. I learned this in the small things. Like, for instance, when I was in Tennessee, I stumbled on an organization known as the Ku Klux Klan. You heard of them? Worst magic show ever. Guy gave me a pamphlet. He was like, come and see the Grand Wizard. Grand Wizard! Didn't do one trick! Not even one trick. I mean, I noticed a few black people disappear, you know, this is Reaganomics, I wasn't impressed by that. Like, where's the magic? I sat there forever, these guys running around in their sheets. The KKK, as they're affectionately known, has nobody bothered to tell them ever that you do not spell Klan with a K. Nobody stopped. Even in America, Klan is spelt with a C. The Ku Klux Klan, they're the KKC, not the KKK. You realize that? Ku Klux Klan. C. In fact, the name is wrong, the whole thing, the Ku Klux parts of it, this is horrible, because they got that, as you know, from ancient Greece. It was Ku Klux Elphion, meaning a circle of brothers. And that's how they got their name. They call themselves a Greek circle of brothers, which is wrong for two reasons. One, if your sole purpose as an organization is to hate black people, don't you find it strange that you've now named yourself a circle of brothers? Do they realize that in ancient Greece, circles of brothers were doing very different things with one another? Very loving, very, you know, yeah. If they were really a Greek circle, the sheets would be a bit higher up, you know, just more of a, yeah, maybe one more hole. They're not a...