Ricky Gervais Ruins Christmas | Science | Universal Comedy.

So just be careful with charity, okay? Particularly at Christmas, that's when they sting you, when they give you a guilt trip. You're sitting down Christmas day, you've got all your food, loads of food, too much food, probably gonna throw a lot of it away. And all the adverts on telly are for charity, right? This one runs every Christmas day. Is there an old lady near you cold and lonely this Christmas? Yep, I ******* hate her. Nosy bitch winds me up all year round. I can't wait for the cold weather. If I'm being honest, there's no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So result. The other big campaign, the other big campaign, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Right behind that, I love animals. I'm really into animal welfare. And that's obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy? No, can I have a puppy? And they give in to shut them up, and they get the puppy, and they like it when it's cute. Then they grow up and they get bored with it, and they lumber the parents with it, and the parents get bored with it, and they abandon it. 11,000 pets abandoned in England and Wales last year. And I think kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven't got children of my own, but I've got loads of nieces and nephews, and they've got kids of their own now. And I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one too, and sort of not add to the stray problem. But I think I've solved the dilemma. This is what I do, okay, as a tip. You've got to wait till Christmas Eve, go to an animal shelter or an animal rescue home, not a breeder. And I go there, and I go straight to the veterinary bit, and when they're dealing with like the little runts that are born all sick, and they're just putting them down, they've got no quality of life. I go, no, don't kill that one. I'll take that one. And they go, it's only going to live a day. So I run home with it going, don't die yet. Get your Starbucks, a little bit of Starbucks. Don't die yet, don't die. And I run in, and I call my niece. She runs over. Oh, you got me a puppy. Your best uncle got you a puppy. Oh, thanks. Go and play with it, quick. Go and play with it. And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve, and they sleep with it, and they wake up Christmas day. It's cold, dead, stiff, gone. So not a problem. And they always come down, and they say, oh, oh, my puppy's dead. And I go, what, the puppy your uncle got you? He did his bit, and whatever happened after that isn't his problem. And they go, yeah. And I go, oh, no, maybe you rolled over on it on the night. Oh, did I? Oh, no. I killed my puppy. I go, no, no, you didn't kill your puppy. Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday, because you didn't spend enough on your uncle's Christmas present. So they usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign, of course, don't drink and drive, right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached now. When I was growing up, there was no stigma. It was like, if you got away with it, that was all right. I'd be getting in the car with grownups and family, and I'd go, oh, you can't drive. You're drunk. And they go, it's all right. I won't get caught. But people now know that that's not the point. It wrecks lives. I've done it once. I'm not proud of it in the slightest. I'm ******* ashamed of it. I wasn't drunk, but I was over the limit. That was Christmas, and I took the car out, and I knew I shouldn't. I knew at the time I shouldn't be in this car. But I learned my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. In the end, I didn't kill her. In the end, I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it, because luckily, thousand to one shot, I know, she had Alzheimer's. Yeah, not a credible witness. I'll tell you what. Spiders, they're always ready, aren't they? Spiders, always ready for action. A spider is always ready, like that, completely ready all the time. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You scare a cat, it'll go, ooh, like that, okay? Then it goes back to chill. Most of the time, they're just on their side, aren't they, cats? Cats are just chill out, head down, all four limbs stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the floor with his head down like that, and all eight legs just out like that. They're always ready, like that, and they're always ready in every direction, like the ******* matrix. They don't have to go, what was that? They don't have to do it. They've got ******* ten eyes and eight legs over the top. They're even ready when you don't think they're ready. You can see an empty web. You go, that spider's not ready. No? Touch the web. What? Touch the web, and it's there. I ******* hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individual in each species, okay? And that's just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda, which there are many. There could be five million species of animal on the earth. Best guess, right? Minimum, scientists say. There's so many, we can't. But five million, and that's one percent of all animal species that have ever existed. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are extinct, and that remaining one percent is five million strong. Take one of those species, termites. If you were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be ten times the tonnage of every human being on earth, and it's statistics like that that make me think that this book isn't totally accurate. It's the Book of Noah, the children's edition. I got this as a prize at Sunday school. I used to go every week. I believed in all this until I was about eight. This is when I was four. St. Agnes Sunday School presented to Ricky Gervais, R-I-double-K-I, like a ******* mongoose, for regular attendance, not even for doing anything good, just for turning up. Oh, he's always there. Give him some. He'll be back. Thank you. Let's have a look at the evidence. Long, long ago when God first made the earth. I'll let both those points slip. We haven't got time. Okay. Long, long ago, I should just say, is 5,000 years according to the Bible. According to the Old Testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years, which puts us around the time of the agricultural revolution. It's actually 4.6 billion years old. Let's pop that in. 4.6 billion years ago when God first made the earth and sky. All right, don't big it up. It comes as a package really, doesn't it? The sky was never an option extra. It could be, I built your planet. I can't breathe. Would you like an atmosphere? Of course I ******* would. So everything was peaceful. Everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself. Arrogant, right? But very soon they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things. Look at them doing wicked things there. You can't get more wicked than that. Oh, **** off, wicked. **** off, wicked. God looking on. Yeah, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don't put it in a bank, you cunt.