The mistakes I made this year.

Here we go, the video that I really didn't want to make. But I've come to know that the more I don't want to make a video, the more I should make it. The more important it is that I actually make it. So here comes the video about this last year and how I really feel about it and why I thought it was a year that I kind of wasted away. You may also, you probably don't know, you can't see from my background, but I am no longer in Italy and I will not be going back to Italy. And I know that's probably going to be really confusing because I just posted a video about moving there. But that's changed and I'll come back to that in a moment. But 2023. 2023 was a year that, one of the few years in my life, I would say, where I really felt like I did nothing. It was a year that I couldn't exactly pinpoint what happened this year that was of, you know, that I set out to do. The year started out by giving up this dream that I had, this short-lived dream that I had of driving the Pan American Highway. So I kind of started the year on a note of quitting, I feel like. I also went on a YouTube break at the beginning of the year. So the beginning of the year was kind of slow and then marked also by periods of, you know, quitting things, of not doing things. And then I set out to drive across Northern America, Northern America, North America, across the United States. And I was hoping to find a home in the US. And that didn't work out either. I gave up on that dream too. There was a couple of other things that I didn't do this year. I failed to write a book, which is something that I've been wanting to do for a while now. I failed to create my filmmaking and storytelling course that I wanted to create. And these are things that I really didn't have to tell you about just now. But I am telling you about them because I feel like oftentimes we, you know, see a person's trajectory and we see the things that they create, the things that they achieve, but we don't really know much about the things that didn't work out. But since this is my channel, and since you're watching, and since apparently a lot of this is public, I wanted to share it with you because I want you to know that things don't always work out. And I think we have this kind of, you know, very deceptive idea that the people that we see on social media have their ---- together, that they have it all worked out, that they achieve all the goals that they set out to achieve. But in reality, that's not always the case. So here are my things that didn't work out this year. I didn't achieve them. I wanted to, I wanted to do them. I didn't get to do them. I didn't do them. I failed to do them. And then more recently, I, you know, wanted to move to Italy. The big move to Italy was something that I was really committed to. You know, I was so excited about it. This room here is pretty huge, as you can see. And my mission now is to create a study here. So this can be my workspace, which I'm so excited about because I've never really had that. I remember seeing a comment in the comment section of that video that I posted a couple of weeks ago, and someone was like, oh my God, it's impossible for anyone to be that happy all the time. But I really was that happy at that time. I was really that happy to be moving into that house because it felt like I would be able to create my own space there, my own little nook, my own little nest, my own little office where I could sit down and plan adventures, where I could do some writing, where I could do, you know, just some creative strategizing and thinking. I think this pomegranate tree is my favorite part of the whole garden. I can't believe there's a pomegranate tree right here with real fruit. And it's true that this pomegranate is so delicious straight from a tree. I was so excited. But in the kind of final blow this year, that didn't work out. And it didn't work out for a very simple reason in the end. The move to Italy wasn't a solo move. I was moving there with someone that I'd been seeing for a while. And, you know, if you've been watching my videos very carefully over the last year, you probably would have seen him in some of my videos. But we weren't always traveling together. And he didn't really want to be a part of my YouTube channel, which I completely understand and respect. But we were going to move to Italy together. And that was something that we wanted to do together. Long story short, it didn't work out. I don't think I need to go into the details. Nothing terrible happened. It just didn't work out. And so I left and came to Poland, which is where I am right now. And I think this kind of end to the year feels... It feels like this is why we struggled to make this video, because I can't find the words. I can't find the words to express some of these things. It just feels like I made so many wrong choices this last year. You know, like I put my heart in the wrong places. And there are things that I decided to do that I took on that weren't really things that I truly and deeply wanted. And, you know, I blame myself only, but I think there's a few different factors that play into this. And maybe this is something that you might recognize, which is why I'm sharing all this. I think social media is a really dangerous place. And I know this might seem like it's completely off topic, but just, you know, hang in there for a second. I'll explain. Social media, I think, is a really dangerous place because the way that social media influences our real life actions can be really serious. I spent a lot of time this year on Instagram. Way too much. And not just working and posting stuff on my own account, but browsing, browsing, browsing. And I did it not in an intentional way. I think there's definitely a way to do a social media kind of binge where you're doing it in a way intentionally, but I was just wasting time on social media. And I think I let Instagram influence what it was that I truly wanted from life. I believed certain ideas of how I should be. You know, I believe these little Instagram wisdoms, whereas I really shouldn't have because they kind of led me on a path that wasn't really my own. And what I'm talking about here is... I think this last year, Instagram made me feel like I was wrong for being a little bit chaotic. Like I was bad for being someone who likes to seek out new things and chase goals and who is never really satisfied. I think Instagram made me feel like that's a really bad thing, which is why I made certain decisions to kind of try and settle down. And those decisions turned out to be just not how I am wired. And they left me with a feeling that I followed a very wrong path this year. I went completely in like a different direction to who I actually am. And here we are. This is the price I pay for it. I mean, it's fine. It's just a blip in the system, right? It's just a little moment in a lifetime. It's not the end of the world by any means, but I just what I kind of want to express here is that I really feel like it was my mistake this last year to get drawn into an idea of myself that wasn't truly me. Yes, I did some amazing things. Yeah, I traveled the United States. My channel, you know, did great. Thank you for being here. My dog is doing awesome. You know, I ran an ultramarathon. I ran 110 kilometers, 68 miles for the first time in my life. Okay, that was a big highlight. But you know, even that is like one thing that I did where I was truly myself, where I really followed a goal. I was like, oh my God, I really want to do this super long running distance. That was like one of the few things that I did this year, which was like super goal oriented. Anyway, my point here is that I think as I sit here with just two weeks left until the end of the year, I realize that there is nothing wrong with me for being the person that I am, who is a little bit all over the place, who is a little bit intense, who is very chaotic in everything she does, and who likes to seek and chase and pursue things. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. That's just who I am and who I've always been. And I forgot about that this last year. I completely forgot about that. There's a quote that I came across the other day by a guy called Tim Grover. I don't really know who Tim Grover is, but he said something that really resonated with me. A new day starts at midnight. If a new day starts in the dark, why are you afraid to use your dark side for your new beginning? Why are you afraid to use your dark side for your new beginning? Okay, so now you know how I feel about this last year. And you also know why I think it happened. I mean, I think there's more reasons, but I think this is like one simple reason that I can definitely pinpoint. I made choices that were not aligned with myself because I felt like I should have been something else. So what's next? Step number one, sign up to do therapy. Yes, I started seeing a therapist. Last week was my first session. And I'm actually really excited to see how that goes because I want to get to know myself a little bit better. And I think what I really need is to accept myself a little bit more for some of the things that I've been told are bad about myself. You know, like the chasing and the seeking and the not being able to stay calm. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I thrive in chaos. I also think I need to come to terms with the fact that maybe I will always struggle to do relationships as long as this channel is alive and as long as travel is what I do in life. Because trust me, as amazing as this life is and I love so many things about it, not everything is rainbows and butterflies. And there's definitely a price that you have to pay to have this level of independence and autonomy. And I signed up for it. So, you know, I'm still here. 2024 will hopefully feel different. I think my goal for 2024 is to experiment more. To try different ways of doing this life. Spend a couple of months doing it one way. Spend another couple of months doing it another way. Experimenting and trying out different things in different formats. I also just really want to set myself big goals for next year. It's something that drives me. It always has. And without those goals, I feel a little bit lost. I feel like there is nothing for me to chase. And I know this might sound completely weird to you. And some of you might be like, well, you can't chase things forever. At some point, you have to settle down. I've heard that before. And maybe that will become true at some point in my life. But right now, I am a 32-year-old child-free woman who has no plans to settle down and no plans to stop chasing, to stop seeking. And I think that's ******* fine. I think that's fine. I'm just gonna claim this. And this is mine. And this is my feeling. And this is my life. And I'm just gonna follow my gut. I'm just gonna follow my gut. So if you've had a shitty year, if your year didn't go according to plan, if you feel like it should have gone differently, I have not that much wisdom to share with you because my year has also not been great. But I think I just want you to know that you're not alone. And there's a whole new year ahead of us.