Nikki Glaser's NIGHTMARE Therapist

My therapist one day, she said, the reason you have issues with your dad is because, yeah, he told you you were the most beautiful girl and that you're the most talented, but you knew that was bullshit because you're not the most beautiful. She was like, you're average looking. You always have been. Your therapist said that? I have a therapist I used to pay literally $325 twice a week because she made me go twice a week or otherwise I couldn't see her. Cash under the table. Don't even know if she was like a legit therapist. She does have a website and she's operating out of Los Feliz. You be careful out there. I'm not gonna use her name because I don't wanna go to prison. But she, I call her Maya Abusive because I always call her Maya Abusive Therapist. So her name is Dr. Maya Abusive. So Dr. Abusive kept me going to her for so long and I was wrapped up in her. She did have good advice though. She broke me up because I have such an obsession with physicality and being perceived as hot and wanting people to desire me in that way just so that I'm loved, so that I'm relevant. I remember struggling with like, oh, I was going in to do some taping for Comedy Central. It was like 2014 or something. And I was like, ah, I gotta go get a dress. After this, she goes, you're not a beauty. You're not a beauty. She leaned forward. You are not a beauty. You never will be. You don't wanna be. Thank God you're not a model. You'll never be a beauty. And I was just like, you can't say this to me. And I was like, it was really hitting me. But what- But you are so beautiful. Yes. Okay. Yes, I am. No, I am, but contextually, I am. Like, you put me next to, you put me on stage with Victoria's Secret Angels. My face looks a little, there's, I'm not, I'm never gonna be a 10, so I might as well not try in my eyes. But wouldn't you rather be able to go up and like kill at a huge theater to 3,000 people? No, I would rather look like Giselle and have literally no ability to speak. Ow, get out of here. You're out of your mind. I'm not out of my mind. I would rather look like Giselle and have her beauty and her, like whatever she has, then- But look at your life. You have like so many comics you respect. I mean, I don't wanna give up my life. I love my life. But if I was giving someone a life- You performed with Wilco? Wilco? That was, that's like, when I saw that, I was like- Giselle, if she wanted to go to Wilco, she could go to Wilco. Like that, with no talent. And being a real- Not open for Wilco. I didn't open for Wilco. Well, what did you do? Close? I mean, I would open anything. I would open my body and my heart is open. What did you do? Did you close? No, I just hung out with Wilco. I saw you on stage. Oh, I was doing a stand-up. They had like a stand-up tent. It was a Wilco festival, so they had a stand-up show. But yeah, I mean, I'm not, I'm being, you know, facetious for the sake of humor, but I don't, I do believe, I struggled with, or I used to struggle with, and I currently do, because I'm aging, with being not hot, not fuckable in general. I've struggled with it my whole life because I've always seen people get things that I felt like, well, they don't deserve it, but I've always thought they deserve it because I'm like, oh, she was just born beautiful, but it made me feel it was unfair, and that's why I'm funny is because I'm not as pretty as I want to be. Right. And people go, well, you're pretty, and it's like, okay, well, I figured out how to put on eyeliner and how to stay trim and spray tan. I literally was putting painting tan on my legs before we got started because I want my neck to kind of match my milky white lower limbs. How'd you get so good at writing jokes? I'm very adaptive and can do kind of impressions, yeah. I can do bad impressions of people very quickly, but if I admire someone enough, I can take them on. I can't do to you because the admiration isn't there yet. But you and I used to run around LA together, right? Like, how did we know each other? But I know you. I know you. You think you know me because we follow each other, but we don't. No, that's not true. We've never hung out. Well, we never hung out, but we've definitely been in the same place before and maybe like drank together before. Yeah, like maybe at like Bar Lubitsch. Like you did the show and I was on the show. I definitely knew you in person. I was around you in person at least a couple times. I was weird in standup. I just wasn't comfortable. So I stopped. Well, you could tell. That was a joke where I was trying to say, you wanna hear the process of that joke? I wanted to make a joke, but I wanted to make a joke that was the opposite of what I was saying. So I was trying to sound exactly like my delivery. I was trying to sound like, oh, you couldn't tell. So I thought, how would you say, you couldn't tell at all? And then just say the opposite. Oh, you could tell. That's good. Yeah. Have you ever thought about teaching comedy? Yeah, I'm doing it right now. Pay attention. Are you ready for a pop quiz?