When You're Not In His Dream

Hi. Hey. You okay? You were, like, tossing and turning all night. Yeah, I had the craziest dream. It was, like, one of those dreams that, like, feels real. I'm so sorry. Those are the worst. Was I in it? What? Your dream. Was I in it? Oh, I... I don't know. I only remember, like, pieces of it. The parts that you do remember. Was I in those? I don't know. I was, like, fragmented, maybe. It's okay, babe. I'm not, like, a crazy girlfriend who's gonna get mad if I wasn't in your dream. I've actually been thinking that we should try and be, like, less codependent, so I'm glad that we're, like, taking space for ourselves, like, subconsciously. Me too. Me too, babe. That's good. Okay. All right. What do you remember? What? From your dream. Uh, I was in, like, this old mansion. God, that actually sounds really scary. No, actually, it was in, like, a spooky mansion. It was more like the Playboy Mansion. You know? Same vibes. Wow. Yeah? Oh, yeah. So you were at, like, a Playboy-adjacent mansion without me. Yeah. I'm not, like, mad or anything, babe. No, I'm actually, I'm relieved because you know me. I have, like, such a bad sense of direction. I would've been lost the whole dream. That would've been, like, so annoying. So, thank you for not dreaming about me. Dodged a bullet there. Were you alone? What? In the dream mansion. Were you with anyone? Babe. What? You can tell me. I'm not gonna freak out. Give me some credit. Yeah, I was with someone. Cool. Yeah, actually, it was, like, a lot of people. It was kind of a rager. It was a rager? Oh. Wow. That sounds so fun. Man. Wow. I wish I got the invite. What is going on right now? Why are you being so weird about this? Being weird? Being weird about? Oh, you mean the dream where you were living it up in an elevated brothel without me? No, I literally almost forgot about that. It's how little I care about that. Good, because you shouldn't. And I don't, because I wouldn't have been able to make it anyway. To what? To the rager, babe. Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but you weren't the only one. I had, like, a sick dream party last night. I also was at one. But mine was in the hills. And there were, like, a lot of hot celebs there. And everybody wanted my attention. So it would have been weird if I... What was everyone wearing? What? Come on, babe. You don't have to do that. Do what? I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't even know what you're talking about, babe. Okay. Hello, the Jezebel-infested shindig you were at. The one I was at in my dream? Oh, so you do remember. Why do you keep asking about this? I wouldn't have to if I was there. But I wasn't, was I? This is so dumb. Yeah, I agree. It's dumb that you won't answer a simple question. I mean, like, just paint the picture for me. Like, were people in gowns? Was it a costume party? Neither. It was just a regular pool party. A pool party? Cool. No, why would I be mad about you dreaming of having the time of your life at some fancy estate surrounded by half-naked women without me? Why? I'm done. Why would I be mad? I hate pool parties. I literally hate getting wet. You know that. This was just a dream. Nothing more than that. Okay, fine. Then you won't mind answering one last question. Okay. What? Who's Cassandra? What? Do you ever find her? I bet you miss her beautiful, long, golden hair and her soft kisses. What about the way that she used to fall asleep with her head on your chest? Kind of like I do. I gave you the chance to tell me about your dream. I just wanted you to be honest. And I was. Then why were you yelling over and over again, Cassandra, I love you! Cassandra, I miss you! Come back to me! Cassandra was my childhood dog. She was a yellow lab. What? She would fall asleep on my chest and give me little kisses until one night when I was in seventh grade, she ran away. And I guess I am still chasing her in my dreams. Oh my God, babe, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Oh, Cassandra. That was pretty close, but she bought it. Thank God. I know. So, did you hook up with anyone? What? In your dream. I'm not going to be mad, I just want to know. Oh, man. I wish I was gay. Shut up and sit down.