Ranking Couples from HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform to build a beautiful website and brand. I mean, am I not allowed to be friends with people that are hot? Are you 12? I have to actively stop my brain from thinking about you. Are you a decent human being or not? It's bad. Really, really bad. But hey, the people are pretty. You are sexy. Very sexy. And cute. Horrible for everybody involved. Aren't we going to deal with this? Love as a concept is this froofy thing that the movie spends a ton of time talking about. What love actually is, is doing it. Caring about the other person's comfort and their happiness without expectation. You are my exception. That's love. They make valid points, but there's some things that get under my skin that I have to address right out of the gate. Whoa. Hang on. You're blowing my mind. Hello and welcome to Cinema Therapy. I'm Alan Seawright, a professional filmmaker who needs therapy. That guy is not me. His name is... Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist who is not Alan. Correct. And loves movies. Both of those things are true. Speaking of which, what are we doing today? I'm just going to have you rank all the relationships in one movie. What movie? They're all great. He's Just Not That Into You. So you're going to be ranking them from exceptional to perfect. Oh my gosh. He's Just Not That Into You is also a reference to how Alan feels about this movie. He isn't. All these relationships are terrible except for maybe one and a half of them. Okay. But let's talk about why and what we can learn from this dumpster fire. Who would you rank the absolute worst? I know exactly who it is, but go ahead and say it. It's Anna and Ben. Of course it f***ing is. Because we're romanticizing adultery. Actually, the movie's not, but they are and it goes really bad for them. I mean, am I not allowed to be friends with people that are hot? Oh yeah, that's innocent. That's not blatantly obvious and icky. I mean, am I not supposed to be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile or an ass that makes me want to dry hump? Well, because he's married, you probably shouldn't say that. Yeah. You could be friends. You can't say that. You also probably shouldn't say that. Like, you write that in the first draft of a script and then you write something better. That guy just fell in love. Ugh. So painful to watch. I think I just fell in love. No. We're friends. You both think of love like 13-year-olds do. You're using words like dry hump. Okay, so she's going to skinny dip. Sure. As one does. With friends. We're friends. Who make you want to dry hump their ass. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand the words you wrote. They don't make sense. Yeah. And look, I'm not kink shaming. If dry humping asses is your thing, you know, consenting adults. Fine. Great. F*** this. I don't care. He's married. Yeah. She knows he's married. So honor that. Respect that. He's in a relationship. So you find him attractive. You like his eyes. His butt makes you want to go woo woo woo woo. Doesn't matter. Because are you a decent human being or not? You don't go after someone who's in a relationship. You respect that boundary. Yeah. And then he just sees her. And even though he's committed to his wife. And they're supposed to be committed to his wife. And they're remodeling a house together and planning a future together. He literally just throws it away because she's pretty. This other woman's pretty. And he's like, am I not supposed to have friends with people who are hot? Like, come on. Are you 12? And this is the lunch line. This is big. This is a 12 year old boy in a man's body. Yeah. It's not as good as big. It's like big if you got it from Timu. And she is going for this? Why? Is it lack of confidence? Is it lack of self-worth? That she's just going to say, well, this guy likes me. And I think he's cute. And he's charming. And he's married. But that's fine. They start talking about all these stories of people who fell in love. When someone else was married. And they broke up the marriage. And they got together. But they were soulmates. You want to know how often that happens? Like .01% of the time. I mean the statistics on that. Literally. You can look up the statistics. They're abysmal. Yeah. It's not exactly what I said. It never works. Relationships that are based on one partner betraying their current partner to be with a new partner. Are already built on a foundation of lies. And you know that the person you're with is willing to cheat on someone that they're with. Listen. If dude is going to cheat on his wife of whatever it is. 10 or 15 years. With you. Because you're the hotter, younger model. What the f*** do you think is going to happen to you in 10 years? If she's going to go after someone who's married. What does that say about her sense of commitment and what that actually is? Correct. Nope. It's bad. Really, really bad. But hey, the people are pretty. And scene. It's the new car thing. It's the grass is greener thing. You have a relationship. You have a commitment. You have a life with somebody. You commit to it and you work it out. Yeah. Or you commit to it, try to work it out, realize that it's not going to work. And close that loop before you start something else. But have you driven a new car? Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine. My issue is not that these characters are attracted to each other or drawn to each other. My issue is that they just feel these feelings and they go, okay. No, look, if this was a relationship between, you know, two consenting adults who weren't in previous relationships. Yeah. It's cute. Yeah. Sure. Fine. Whatever. I mean, the dialogue is still wretched, but you forgive it because it's pretty. But I will give the film credit for this. The movie itself is not romanticizing this. It is showing you what they think and feel and then they show you how it goes horrible for everybody involved. And so props for that at least. Have you seen our cinema therapy website? It was so easy to build and customize using Squarespace. Squarespace has tons of templates and layouts to choose from with their guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint AI. So once we found one that really worked well as a starting point for us. It was so easy to customize. Way easier than navigating the complicated world of dating. Tell me about it. They have built-in visual design tools so that we can make it our own unique brand and style. Like Jennifer Connelly remaking her home into a beautiful palace while Bradley Cooper dilly-dallies. You can connect your social and multimedia accounts. So that your website can function as a hub for everything you do. Like how ours is linked to YouTube. Patreon. Our merch stores. And other things. Also more things. They also make it easy to sell content on your website. Like courses, blogs, videos. And Squarespace payments is the easiest place to manage your payments all in one place. So whether you need to build a website for your swanky hipster bar. Or your dating tips courses. Or to promote your home renovation services. Squarespace will work for you and you won't have to spend months building a new website. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch. Go to squarespace.com forward slash cinematherapy. And use the code cinematherapy to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Only slightly better is Anna and Connor. Oh really? I would have, okay. But Anna is in the bottom two relationships here because Anna is terrible. Scar Jo's fantastic. Anna is terrible. Hey. I'm psyched you called. Cool. Kind of giving up on you when you didn't call me back the other night. Oh no. I was just thinking about you. No. Why would you say that? What were the categories? To manipulate. Four categories. This is why she's terrible. Sexy, funny. She knows she's leading him on. She knows they slept together once. He wants nothing more than to be her man. Jessica Parker would be funny. And he is safe and easy and there and emotionally supportive and will rub her feet. Oh. What am I? Wait. What was I again? You're smart and cute. Okay. You are sexy. Very sexy. And he's flattering and he makes her feel good and he builds her up. He's also a moron. Sexy and cute. No. That happens. Yeah. But if those are the only two defining traits. Oh. No. Yeah. Okay. I thought you meant that a person can't be both. But yeah. If he's saying these are your two defining traits. No. A person can be both cute and sexy. That's fine. But if those are your two defining traits then. He's not a moron. Those are her only traits as a character. Oh. You're right. She's not smart and she's not decent. So he is a moron. But he's a moron for having feelings for a person he accurately described. Yes. Okay. I'm totally, totally fried. Is that okay? Yeah. Why are you kissing him? I'll see you later. You're into this married guy. But you've got this. Side piece. Over here. And then you're. That look. That look was pretty good. Oh man. Kevin Connolly. They didn't give him much to do. But he made the most of it with that look. Yeah. That look right there was his whole paycheck. Yeah. It was great. He nailed it. Well listen. And I want to be very clear on something. We're having a good time taking the piss out of this movie and these relationships. Neither of us were any smarter in our 20s. No. Okay. So I'm not. This isn't us on our high horse. Well I never cheated in my 20s. But as far as like going after somebody who was. Clearly you were way more invested in them. Oh yeah. Than they were in you. No. I did this a lot. Like this relationship right here. I. That was my entire collegiate career. That was my entire. I witnessed three of those. You did witness three of those. And it was. Very sad. It was so sad. I kept waiting for the Kevin Connolly turn and look at camera. And I never got it from you. And I was like Johnno. Turn to look at camera buddy. How do you feel right now? I feel cucked. Do you feel. Okay. Meanwhile. Like an idiot. Like this guy. There were actually plenty. Of wonderful. Women who were interested in me, maybe not plenty, but there were more than one. It was plenty to okay Thank you. I've got figures there were any number of actually would have been a great relationship and I like a dummy Just wanted the whole forbidden fruit thing or the what we can't have I don't even know why I was that way and I'm a psychoanalyst Maybe because I don't want to look at those dark Maybe I'm scared to go there. That's probably why I don't know I could discover it. I just don't want to just won't Yeah, the vault that's where the stuff I can't handle goes But she uses him and he lets her and he knows he's being used and she knows he's using him and you would say well in That case it's all mutual consent Yeah, but they're all consenting to something just objectively mean and cruel and selfish and horrible if you're consenting to stupidity It doesn't make you smart It just takes you a willing idiot, but also I would argue Connor is not fully consenting He doesn't have the entire context he doesn't know that she was just coming from essentially a rejection Mmm, and she needs comfort and she needs comfort and to feel like she's desired and and loved by this guy So you're saying he's not consenting to being used because he doesn't realize that's what's going on. Correct He doesn't realize the extent to which he's being used He's consenting to a small part of it, but not the whole enchilada So Connor is smart, but not when it comes to her, correct? Yeah, and that's why after she leaves the smart part of him comes back and he's like wait I can't smell her anymore. Am I an idiot number three is Ben and Janine Have you noticed that Ben and Anna occupy the bottom three slots on this list frankly look rating them? They're just awful. Yeah, there's a bottom tier and it's been an Anna Yeah, we shouldn't even be numbering them like they're just awful and then we get to rake some other ones. I slept with someone You see how the camera changes position because it's a change of perspective. I learned that from you One thing I love about it though is the focus stays on her and he's out of focus in the background It's makes it about her which is interesting You tell me this in Home Depot cuz you know, I hate a public scene. No, that is not one Sorry It is you that's been smoking too, isn't it? Wait, what does that even matter? Have you? You've been smoking. So the reason she's asking this is because in Infidelity cases the lies are often as hurtful or more hurtful than the actual cheating. Sure Look, I talked to Neil. I told him and he said I could stay at his boat for a while. Excuse me Now you're moving out You're like leaving me. No. No, I just assumed that you wouldn't want me to Aren't we gonna deal with this Don't you want to find? some way for us to work through this I Assume that when I told you you would want me out Is that what you want? fun little bit of sound design in the background there the lift I Have to know Okay So one of my areas of specialty In my practice is healing from infidelity He'll be a couple's heal from infidelity and I have to give credit where it's due to both the screenwriters and the actors The banter before he tells her stupid but from the moment He actually tells her that whole conversation feels like oh, it's it's it's very real. It's awesome These are two really talented actors given an Okay version of that. Yeah as a script and they're crushing it But this this scene does feel very real from him Yeah Him saying and her saying are you telling me now because you don't want to make a scene and he says no it's just like This was the moment because of what you said Like I couldn't bear it anymore to not tell you and then when she says it is you who's smoking It seems like a stupid thing to pivot to aren't we talking about the affair? Why are you bringing up smoking? It's not a stupid thing. It all comes back to What are you lying to me about since this is out in the open? Let's get it all on the table because I want to know where I'm being deceived and where the dishonesty is Honestly to me, that's the best bit of screenwriting in the whole movie is yes her fixation on this little lie That isn't the biggest deal in the world. Yes to the other side. It's fantastic I do like that. She's kind of trying to Trying to save the marriage, but he's insisting that he doesn't smoke and later when she finds the cigarettes is when she's just done That's it. Yeah, because it's not about the smoking. It's about that even with this He's still lying to his lying And when he says I I'm gonna go stay with my buddy on his boat and she says you want to move out And he says no, I just assumed you wouldn't want me there She said don't you want to fight for the marriage? This is the most realistic scene in the movie. Mm-hmm. So props to them, but as far as ranking the couple no, it's a marriage falling apart because of infidelity and dishonesty and I think I'm a bit more sympathetic to Janine than you are but I don't think you're attacking the character as much as the writing Anyway, I'm attacking the writing and a little bit attacking the character, but it's mainly just cuz I'm disappointed cuz I Love watching Jennifer Connelly be smart. Listen guys. We swear we love Jennifer Connelly. I know we don't have the best track record with this We'll find a couple of movies to talk about number two Alex and Gigi This is where I actually start enjoying the couples and the movie. Wow, that is delicious Finally some good ******* food. There's some problems here, but they arrive at a very beautiful healthy place. Let's take a look So he's been her dating coach and she thinks he's just trying to get close to her which he is, but he doesn't know it He's just not there. I knew it the best relationships grow out of friendships She's right, wait, wait What hmm now you and I are in a relationship well, I'd say if we're not a relationship station ship, we're at least on the track and Why exactly would you think that? because of the signs really, like what like it was good to hear from me and you talked to me even when you were with a girl and Felt something He talking about Gigi What have I been saying since I met you the guy wants to date you he will make it happen Okay, he will ask you out. Did I ask you out? No Why would you do this? harsh Why do we do this? Why do they build up this stuff in their minds take each little thing a guy does and and then twist it into something else It's insane Okay, what she did was literally insane. Is it a thing a real person would do? Yes it what? Not the pouncing thing, but the building it up in your mind thing. Oh, wow This is a fun, excuse me, what does that supposed to look like we that she gets I May dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much. But at least that means I still care Oh, you think you've won? Because women are are expendable to you and you may not get get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way But you don't fall in love that way either You have not won. You're alone Alex True, but have you seen his loft? But I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are Okay, I have thoughts in a lot of different directions about the scene and this relationship They both make valid points about the other sure But there's some things that get under my skin that I have to address right out of the gate go for it When he says why do women do this? I hate lines like that because not all women are the same Any more than you can say anything about guys or any no no group is a monolith. Whoa. Hang on You're blowing my mind. So this was the great. This was the great struggle of Watching rom-coms in the 90s and early 2000s when I was young and I didn't have a master's degree in healthy relationships Right is I would go to romantic comedies for advice on how to date We all did no we all do yeah, we did this is how we were raised like what exactly we're like What are the rules rom-coms will teach us will teach us I don't know why we're trusting these idiots who write these things to tell us what love is Listen, if you're trusting William Shakespeare or Jane Austen go with God. Yes, if you're trusting whoever the **** this was I Don't know and I don't care I don't want to know who this was Because I don't want to respect them less because you don't want to disrespect real people I don't but Abbie Cohn and Mark Silverstein the writers of he's just not that into you also gave us Never been kissed Them to hell. It's also stupid. That's not how the world works movie Is it ever addressed in the movie whether or not Drew Barrymore has actually been ******* kissed? I don't think it is and she has what are you doing? Just get better at writing all the all soften that a little bit stop writing find something else to do with your life Don't do it anymore I resent when each of them talks about how men and women are and I also don't like the implication that You have to be with somebody to be happy, right? She is So much closer to finding someone but what if she just found herself? also, what if Justin Long is just happy living in an awesome place owning a bar and Playing what is it? NCAA football? Uh-huh with models Seems like a pretty good life. Maybe he's just chill now Here's my here's my issue with him and where she hits the nail in the head when she says women are expendable to you Yeah, there's nothing wrong with if you're somebody who isn't ready for or frankly doesn't want a committed long-term relationship But you have to be upfront and transparent about that. Yeah, if you can find someone else in the same boat Yeah, or if you're looking for casual relationships or casual flings or whatever, but you have to be upfront about it And he doesn't do that he breaks women's hearts by leading them along and Then he's giving her the inside track on how he and other guys do this and how they'll act if they actually are into you but there's never really on his part and owning that I'm kind of being an ass by treating people this way. Yeah, and then on her part again, what if she found herself first? She is so fixated on finding love. It is her one. It is Gollum in the ring. She is hunting for it She will not stop. It's worse than that. She's the freaking skunk from Warner Brothers She's Pepe Le Pew. She's Pepe Le Pew Please don't cancel him though. He's funny You know, it is not just a case of physical attraction I admire her mind, too But she is I mean this this is her one purpose in life is to find love and and she's very much in a headspace Of it until I do I can't be happy and satisfied That's my critique of both of them Now what I really like about the scene is the things that they point out in each other pretty accurate accurate Yeah, here's why I have them at number two. We're actually trending more positively towards something healthy Okay, is he accepts influence from her? Yeah, and that he engages in perspective taking and instead of saying where he started you're crazy. What's wrong with you like a week later? He's like, oh now I'm crazy and I know exactly what was wrong with her because it's the same thing That's wrong with me and it's called love. Ah Also accountability kink Activated he does own his mistakes where he got it wrong and that he can be better the ways that he hurt her What we don't see him do is the actual work because it's a movie and we don't have the time We don't have the time and also we have way too many characters Yeah, this is a two-hour movie that I really needed as a 15-minute short film. That's what I needed Okay, I just didn't need it. Number one is Beth and Neil This is the actual healthy relationship that I love in this movie Ben Affleck Jennifer Aniston. She wants to get married He thinks marriage is just a piece of paper They break up over that her dad has a heart attack and her brothers and brothers-in-law are not pulling their weight not helping What Did any of you guys have a chance to get to the store? Oh, we're good. We got takeout No, I I didn't mean for you. I meant all right. What's really funny is these aren't actors. They're just guys on the crew Just turn a camera towards them Dude, if those guys were on my film crew, they'd be so fired Listen, I'm not a woman but this shot pulling in of him doing the dishes and the kitchen is clean. I'm sitting here I'm like, that's hot. I Guess I'm not a woman or gay, but I still am like Ben Affleck. It's laundry. I'm gonna put away Another load of clothes in the dryer. I Did get some of the food your dad likes but I got some healthy stuff, too I'd feel things he got he's doing the laundry. He's doing the dishes. He went grocery shopping This is after she split up with him because she wants a thing. He doesn't want. Yeah And what I love about this scene, this is legitimately beautiful This is one of the few moments in this movie that I'm like no notes That's that's lovely is he's not doing this to get back together with her. No, he's doing this because he loves her and He knows that she's surrounded by D bags who she's probably overworked She's stressed and she's grieving because she doesn't know if her dad's gonna live or not, right and he just shows up to help She could still say thank you. This means the world to me. I don't want to get back together and he'd be like, that's fine That's not why I came right, you know, and that's love. That's that's we're actually seeing what love action of love, right? because love as a Concept is this froofy thing that the movie spends a ton of time talking about what love actually is is Doing it and it's caring about the other person's comfort and their happiness Without it's not without thought of your own but without expectation Like I'm not doing this for any other reason than because I care our life together is what I want. I Miss it. I miss you. You see those guys. My sisters are married, too you are more of a husband to me not being married than those real husbands are ever gonna be and It's enough. It's really enough And you Would be willing to take the whole Marriage thing off the table completely. Yeah, but let's discuss the we will the tax implications. Oh gosh Cuz you do it. We're just paying more in taxes Okay. All right But I've loved you for seven years. That's me Okay, let me talk You have to snake the drain when my hair gets clogged, you know that happens Okay, and also Okay, okay, all right Honestly in terms of lists of demands for a relationship. That's not a lot. It's cute This is the only benefit for a relationship that works the only better for relationship. Maybe these two. Oh my gosh, they're both single Come on Ben, you've gone through all the other Jennifer's anyway, real love is What do you want out of life? Yeah I want that for you sure now self-love sometimes means that I Can't give you what you want because I need to be true to myself as well Sure, because that's a healthy relationship is not just loving each other. It's loving yourselves and making that all work together and What he's been saying this whole time is I love you. I adore you, but I also have to be true to myself Now so they could have not gotten back together and there would have been loved there and it would have been beautiful and they would Have cheered each other on to find happiness in life. Sure, and that still would have been love I'm in that situation right now, honestly, like that's my situation But she was willing to say okay this thing. I'm willing to sacrifice it because I want you And then he comes around to the end and does the same thing and they get married on because Hollywood But also I didn't like it. You didn't like it. You would not like that Yeah, I thought it would have been a lot better to have Beth learn and grow Hmm and then have Neil they didn't need to get married. Yeah, I don't think it added anything to the story aside from like Oh, we love to have a wedding at the end of a movie I think it shows she's willing to sacrifice. He's willing to sacrifice. He gave up his pants already Okay. Well Can't ask a man to do more than that. You're not in this economy. Oh my gosh So until next time you told me that I was the rule not the exception You're my exception And watch movies We want to thank our patrons for supporting this episode and all of our other ones and also getting things like extended directors cuts this one's pretty long and All the other stuff you get on patreon deep dives all kinds like Alan's own Romantic comedy that he directed it's gonna show up on that patreon. So check it out It's gonna be better than this one. We hope folks like oh, I did make a romantic comedy. That's right. I forgot Robot shark Emily Madera Jasmine Herrera Danny and Danielle Coren happy Valentine's Day everybody. We love you, but not that way, but maybe no definitely not definitely Yes, maybe no Did you just say dry hump yeah