They’re blaming working moms again. Let’s talk about bonding with our kids while having a career.

Hi you guys! Welcome back to my channel. I just made part of this video and realized that my shirt was fully unbuttoned and I was just revealing my midriff to you. Great to see you again. My name is Jess. I've been married to the same skateboarder for 17 years. This weekend is our anniversary. I have three blonde cutie kids. I'm a coach. I work with women from different parts of the world who are trying to build their careers and grow their families and they're feeling the weight of doing all of that. I have been where a lot of you are. I've struggled with depression. I've questioned whether or not I was enough. I am figuring out a lot of times the hard way what it looks like to thrive personally and professionally. And it's my personal experience as a mom and as a wife and then the work that I do with moms every single week that is shaping the things I share here on this channel. So if you are new, welcome! I'm so happy to have you. And before I get into this, if you are a working mom and you're feeling the complex feelings of having to choose between being good at home and being good at work and going to bed at night and feeling like you're not really doing a good job at anything, I want you to know that I work with women just like you. The link below this video. You're welcome to open it now and maybe fill it out after the video is done but it's a little application to see if we would be a good fit for each other and I would love to help you if I can. Okay? So if you've been on the internet lately, you've probably been seeing some of the same content I've been seeing. Multiple podcasters that I love have been talking about working moms and not in a good way. The first video I saw said something along the lines of, working moms are the reason their kids are struggling with basically anything. Like working moms didn't bond enough with their own kids and if you, working mother and me, if we had just stayed home with our children then our kids wouldn't have any number of issues from small ones to neurodivergence, ADHD. It's very popular right now to blame the working mom for the child struggle of any kind and every time I've seen this content, this protective instinct rises up in me because I know who's watching these videos. Well, it's partly personal. I am a working mom and I'm obsessed with my kids and I hate the idea that I would be causing them pain in any way, right? But then I also feel protective on behalf of you because I know so many of you. You're amazing mothers. You're raising incredible kids and I don't think the full picture is being told. I'm gonna floof my hair here. Okay, so I'm not here to tell you whether you should work or stay home. That is yours to decide. That's incredibly personal. You know your life better than anybody on the internet or really anybody anywhere. You know your life and so you'll be able to decide that for yourself. But I want to speak to this oversimplification that I see happening. I can start with what's true. Children do need to bond with their caregivers. That's not up for debate. The research on attachment is real and we know that so I'm not dismissing it. But where I feel the conversation is going wrong is this assumption that working is what breaks the bond. As if the moment a mom clocks in somewhere, she's emotionally unavailable to her child. Also, I think it's weird to assume that a stay-at-home mom isn't incredibly busy because stay-at-home moms have a thousand responsibilities too. A stay-at-home mom could also be bad at bonding. It is rare that someone is able to orbit around their child 24 hours a day. Obviously the age of the child matters. A newborn very much requires constant orbiting. But as the child grows, the logistics of this changes. A mom who's physically present but depleted or depressed or distracted, she's not automatically better at bonding than a working mom who's intentional with her time. And I say that both from observation and also from personal experience. I was at my worst as a mom when I was barely working. Presence alone did not make me a good mom. So this was during a season that was one of the hardest I've ever gone through. I've talked a lot about this. My daughter was like two years old. I had been alone a lot. I was hardly working at all, if anything. I mean I technically worked for this nonprofit but I basically didn't do anything. And I was so depressed. We left Spain for a while because I needed professional help and I was finally coming up for air. I was getting really excited because I had been invited to work backstage at Fashion Week in New York City, which is something I had done many times before my daughter was born. And then since she was born, I think I had done it one time. But anyway, I was getting really excited about it. Also, I had started taking antidepressants. I was getting help. Everything was going smoothly. And we were sitting with these people who loved us a lot and really meant well. And they said to me, hey Jessica, I think in order for you to not become suicidal again, it would be important for you to not return to work in any way outside the home. No work outside the home until your daughter is 10 years old. That's what they said. 10 years old? My daughter is 10 now. There are so many things I would not have done in the last 10 years if I had listened to this advice. I felt all kinds of feelings. I didn't even get the chance to respond because Sean immediately intervened and he said, hey, based on everything I know about Jessica, I think she would be suicidal very quickly if she knew she was about to spend 10 years being a stay-at-home mom. That is not at all her personality. That is not who she was made to be at all. Oh man. Okay, I appreciate it because it shows that he really sees me and he didn't assume that life outside the house would make me a bad mom. What he was saying was she will be a better mom if she can also have her career. He saw me. He understood that for me, work wasn't something that would subtract from my motherhood. It was connected to it. And over the years, my career has taken so many different shapes. We had no idea at that point that I would be working with moms as my job. But Sean never stopped believing that both things could be true, right? That I could have a home life and I could have a work life and he gave me permission to believe that. And I share it because I know some of you have heard versions of that advice. Maybe not so extreme but something that implied that your ambition was in conflict with your motherhood. And I would love to offer a different framing. Blaming working moms for their kids struggles flattens something really complex into a viral video. Moms work for a million different reasons. Financial necessity, health insurance, calling, purpose, sanity, all of the above. The age matters enormously when we're talking about bonding. What a newborn needs looks nothing like what a six-year-old needs. And not working doesn't automatically make someone a great mother. I'm living proof of that. The question for me wasn't should I work? The question was how can I do both well? That was most aligned with my personality, right? So, last year I flew to London to coach moms who worked in tech. It was a dream come true. Flying to a beautiful city to spend a couple days with incredible women. I loved it so much that I actually wear this little necklace that has Queen Elizabeth on it. Because I want to manifest that I get to go back. Anyway, so I work with these women. They were educated. They were successful. They knew what it was like to have a career coach but they had never had a parenting focused coach. And most of them cried when they got in the room with me. And it wasn't that they were sad. It was more like they were relieved to finally be able to untangle some of the pressure they felt from being in their career but having to pretend that they didn't have an all-consuming home life too. And here's what I think. Here's what I took away from that experience. I feel like working moms have signed up to run a marathon but they didn't know it. Think about that. Think about someone who knows they signed up for a marathon. They're training for this marathon. Do you know anyone like that? I have friends who run marathons. And they do not wing it. They build their entire life around the success of that goal. How they live, how they sleep, how they eat, how they socialize. All of it is oriented around finishing the race. Because they know that passively hoping for the finish line will not get them there. Working motherhood is the same. A healthy career and a healthy family life, they will not happen by accident. Sorry, I feel like my hair is in my eyes. If you're doing it passively, you're going to feel like you're failing at everything. If you're doing it intentionally, the story is so different. So, if we are working moms and we feel peace about the fact that we're working, what does intentional bonding with our kids actually look like? Here are a few things. First, it starts with the child care you choose. You need someone to tend to your little ones while you're working, right? The care your child receives when you're not there is part of your bonding strategy. Does the nurture in that environment reflect how you nurture? Does your child feel safe? Do they feel seen? Is the caregiver responsive to their needs? That matters. Obviously, it's an extension of your love. I've made videos and podcasts about this, I think. So, I will link any of them below to help you with that topic specifically. Secondly, it's about the quality of the time you have with your kids, not just the quantity. When you are juggling a full schedule, it's important to recognize how you show up at home. Are you distracted with your child or are you actually present? Night wake-ups, car rides, bedtime routines, these are potential bonding moments. We don't want a sleepwalk through them. I think about this even now. My youngest is 5 years old and last night my daughter woke up. I think she had to go to the bathroom. I don't know. I treated it as a time to bond with her instead of feeling frustrated over my lack of sleep. And it genuinely helped me to feel more patient instead of being irritable and stressed because I was tired. Third, one-on-one time when you can create it. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Focused attention fills a child's cup way more than distracted hours together ever could, right? So, we're setting down the phone. We're bending down to get at their level. Wilson recently asked me to play a game of go fish at dinner and I was sort of stressed about work but I just was like, okay, nope. Put that aside. I'm going to play with you. It wasn't long but he loved it. It was so good. So, we bonded, okay? Fourth is know your child's love language. This is basically learning how do they receive love. Do you have a cuddly kid? Do you have a kid who cares a lot about you speaking encouragement over to them? Do they want time with you? Do they love gifts? Obviously, kids love all of it but what is your child's craving? Fifth, stay calibrated. Being good at this requires you to use whatever keeps you grounded. Your gut, your faith, your community, your coach. Recognize when it's time to prioritize your child over your job. That discernment is something you'll build over time. It's not something that you immediately are born with. A couple weeks ago, I had had a few weeks of really stressful dynamics with one of my kids. After several days of hard interactions like lots of yelling, crying, I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about it so much. I decided to take an hour off work and hang out with them one-on-one. We were playing, hugging, eating together, snuggling and eventually, we were able to talk about their behavior. And it turns out, they were bummed at me for yelling so much and I was bummed at them for not listening. And we apologized and we hugged and it's actually been better ever since. It's only been two weeks but still, that is breakthrough. So, I was able to figure out what the need was and make a change. One mom said to me recently, when there's a lot to juggle, you're figuring out which balls are breakable and which ones bounce. And I think about that all the time. You cannot keep everything in the air all the time. You got to let some things go. So, you're trying to figure out which things need to stay up right now. Working moms are carrying more than most people realize and it's like being a professional athlete. You really have to prioritize your well-being and recognize that you are not meant to do this by yourself. It is way too much for any one person to handle. So, if you're carrying too much right now, it's okay to reassess. Some moms change jobs, some shorten their hours, some move to reduce expenses, some step back for a season. Others stay exactly where they are but they get more intentional about how they show up. There is no single right answer for this. But there's your answer and we want to create a space for you to come up with clarity around your unique situation. So, if something in this video made you feel seen or made you tear up a little bit, I don't want to make you cry. But sometimes you watch something you're like, oh my gosh, that's me. I would love to invite you to go deeper. This is exactly the work that I do with my coaching clients. Not just career strategy but like the whole you. How do we align your inner world and your outer world so the mom, the professional, the woman who's trying to hold it all together can really thrive. I have sat across from women literally in London in the same room with a box of tissues and tears in our eyes. I've done this figuratively on zoom. I do it every week. And I've watched things shift so that this woman can finally have the space to take her life back and enjoy her life again. It does not have to stay this hard and it doesn't take a long time. So, the link below is where you apply to work with me. It's not a sales page. It's a really great conversation. You can come and tell me what you're carrying. We'll figure out together whether I'm the right person to help you. And if I'm not, either way, you deserve a village. If I'm able to be a part of your village, I would love to. If not, I hope you find people who can be. Thank you so much for watching. I think you're an incredible mom. The type of person who comes on here to find content to support the way you are raising your kids. You're already ahead. If you look back and you go, wow, I really blew it when my kid was younger and I feel guilty over the ways I showed up. I just want to end by saying it is absolutely never, ever, ever too late to become the person we want to be. I believe that with my whole heart. I've lived that so many times. I've been disappointed in myself and been like, okay, well, today's the day or now's the moment. It is not too late to start fresh and to be the person I want to be. And so, yeah. No sense looking backwards feeling bad. You are doing great and you've been doing the best you can, but I want to invite you today to be even more you than you were already, okay? You are so good. I believe in you and I will see you soon. Thanks for being here. Bye.