MONTESSORI AT HOME： Positive Discipline Examples & What To Do

Hi guys, my name is Ashley and I'm a mom of two little girls. I have a two-year-old named Kylie and a four-month-old named Mia. And I'm currently nursing Mia right now, so if you see little hands coming into the frame, that's why. So implementing Montessori at Home with your children is about so much more than just the physical aspects. The child-sized furniture that allows for more independence, the shelves lined with thoughtfully presented activities, and the developmentally appropriate toys that provide just the right amount of challenge. Montessori at Home is also a lifestyle, and a lot of the success that Montessori parents are able to find with their children at home can often be traced back to using a style of discipline that naturally complements the cooperative relationship between the adult and the child. It's also the same style of discipline that you'll often see in quality Montessori schools, and that's positive discipline, which is based on empathy, a respectful relationship between the adult and the child, and providing children freedom within limits. It's really important to note that positive discipline is not permissive parenting, where the child is basically just allowed to do as he pleases. You're still establishing and setting firm limits whenever necessary, but you're doing so with cool confidence, empathy, and respect for the child. You're not yelling, shaming, doling out punishments and unrelated consequences, and otherwise eroding your relationship. Positive discipline is about responding, not reacting to your child, especially when they become upset over a limit that you set. It's helpful to remember that the full range of your child's emotions is entirely acceptable, but not all behavior is, so establishing and maintaining limits with your child is absolutely necessary. I find that it's really helpful to try to reframe your perspective whenever your child starts testing boundaries or throwing a tantrum. If you can, try to realize that they're not really being bad just to annoy you. I don't even really like to use the word bad because throwing tantrums, testing limits, all of that is completely developmentally appropriate for young children. It's how they become independent and explore their will, and it's actually a silent or not so silent cry for your help and understanding as their loving parent. They need to know that you love and accept them, even in spite of their behavior, and for you to help guide them back to an emotionally regulated state. I always try to remember they're learning what it means to be human, and you are their guide on that journey. It's not you versus your child. You're on the same team. So from one busy parent to another, today let's jump into some of the most common scenarios that parents face with their young children and see how these specific issues can be addressed using a Montessori approach combined with positive discipline techniques. So first let's talk about sharing. In a Montessori environment, children are not forced to share toys and activities with each other. They're actually encouraged to take turns, and this is not taking turns as determined by the adult. It's taking turns when the child is ready to give up that toy or activity, or waiting if there's another child using the toy or activity that they want. So it's not really necessary to referee, especially with younger children. Oftentimes sharing or them taking toys from each other is just about kids learning how to be social. They're learning how to connect with each other, and it's honestly not always about the stuff as much as we might think it is. However, with that said, if you do feel like you need to intervene, especially in public situations, there are some things that you can do. Again, we're emphasizing turn-taking. So if your child is verbal and old enough to understand this concept, you can teach them to advocate for themselves. You can give them words that they can use when they're approached by another child who wants to use the activity or toy that they have. You can encourage them to say something along the lines of, I'm using it right now. You can have a turn when I'm done. You can even encourage them to hold on to the toy if the child is physically trying to take it from them. There's nothing wrong with that. Or if a toy has been taken already, you can encourage your child to say something like, I was using that. May I have it back? You can have a turn when I'm done. Now when you're helping a child to wait for their turn, you can say something like, yeah, I know you really wanted that toy. It's hard to wait. Let's see if we can find something else to play with while you're waiting for your turn. And if your child happens to have a meltdown because of the fact that they have to wait, then you help them process their emotions. You remain emotionally available for them. And eventually it will pass. Maybe they won't even want to play with that toy by the time it's done. Kids are a little bit mercurial like that. Now, if toy taking becomes a persistent behavior, then you definitely want to intervene. And it's as simple as gently and calmly putting your hand between the two children and just kind of observing. Yeah, that toy that he's holding looks really interesting. You want to touch that toy too, huh? If the child that's trying to take the toy is kind of persisting and it's very clear that the child who has the toy is not really willing to give it up because sometimes they kind of do and surprise you, then you can kind of intervene on behalf of that child, especially if they're not verbal yet and you can do it calmly and gently. All you have to say is, I won't let you take that bus from Johnny. He's using it right now. You can have a turn when he's done. Often this is enough to kind of fend off the child who's trying to take the toy and they'll move on to something else. If the child that wants the toy is getting upset, then again, you can help them through their meltdown. Now, if the toy was already taken and you didn't see it happen, you can certainly go over to the child and say, Hmm, it looks like he was using that. I'm going to help you give it back. Do you want to be the one to do it? Give them that opportunity to take ownership. And if they clearly have no intention of giving the toy back, even after you've said that you can say, Hmm, it looks like giving that back is going to be hard for you. I'm going to open your hands now and I'm going to take this toy and I'm going to hand it back to him. If they become upset by the fact that you're doing this, then you're just kind of acknowledging their feelings and saying, yeah, you really wanted that toy. I understand. I hear you. You don't like it that we had to give it back to him right now. The important thing to remember though, if you do need to make that move is that you're not snatching and grabbing the toy out of the child's hands, especially in scenarios like this, modeling is so important. So if you yourself are walking over and snatching a toy out of a child's hand to give it back to the other child, then that is the type of behavior that that child has learned is acceptable. And that's what you're going to end up seeing them doing. You're going to see a lot more snatching and grabbing behavior from that child toward other kids. So it's very important that if you do take it, you do so gently and calmly and just kind of matter of factly and empathizing with their feelings about it. Another common situation that parents face with their children is brushing their teeth. Now, this one is non-negotiable. It truly helps to be proactive. If you can make it a consistent part of your routine every single day, it'll be a lot easier. And you definitely want to start as early as possible with your child. Like as soon as they have a single tooth, you start brushing teeth every single day. Again, if it's part of your routine, if it's just kind of something that you do, that's not really questioned, then there typically isn't a battle about it. You can also try to make it fun. You can brush your teeth together and kind of make it a morning or a bedtime activity that you guys always do together. You can even make up a song to sing while you're brushing your child's teeth. I know that's something that I've done with my toddler, Kylie, since she was a baby. Now, in keeping with the Montessori approach and kind of encouraging independence in your child, you definitely want to offer them the opportunity to brush their teeth first. And then after they kind of have shown you that they're done, you can say, okay, now it's my turn. I'm going to make sure that we didn't miss any spots. When Kylie was a young toddler, she would often tell me, mommy, it's my turn right now. And then you can have a turn because that was what we did every single day. And she kind of knew the back and forth routine. Try not to be rough with your child while you're brushing their teeth. If they're closing their mouth and biting on the toothbrush, then kind of gently ask them, request that they open their mouth. Don't yell at them. Open your mouth. Really just try to avoid it becoming a negative situation because that's going to make your child not want to do it even more. However, with that said, if you're doing all of these things, and for some reason your child is still resisting, again, this is a non-negotiable for their health and hygiene. So you're going to have to try to use as gentle of hands as possible and basically just brush their teeth for them. There's really no other way around it. What you can do while you're doing that though, because they'll probably be resisting, is just acknowledge and empathize with their feelings about it as you're accomplishing the task. You can say, yeah, I know you really don't want to brush your teeth, but I have to do this. I hear how much you don't like it. I know. We're almost done. Some people might take issue with basically kind of using a little bit of physical force, obviously gentle force, but still using physical force to accomplish something like this. However, I kind of look at it as, what's the alternative? They don't brush their teeth. And honestly, if it's just for one night, that's probably okay. But if this is a persistent thing that's happening, then you definitely need to gain some control of the situation and help your child learn that it's okay to brush your teeth. Another common battleground is getting dressed. Now this might be getting dressed in the morning. It might be putting pajamas on in the evening during the bedtime routine. For some reason, a lot of kids resist getting dressed. And there's a couple of proactive things that you can do first from a Montessori standpoint. The first being to give them choices, especially with younger toddlers. You definitely don't want to offer more than two choices. So you can hold up two options and say, would you like to this outfit or this outfit today? Or you can say, would you like the blue socks or the red socks? Often just having this option is enough to make the child feel like they have some sense of control and they're less likely to fight you on it. And if they're not able to make the choice right there on the spot, then you make the choice for them. Another thing you can do, especially as they start getting older and they're trying to start dressing themselves, is to not squash that desire. Allow them to do as much as they possibly can on their own before you step in and kind of take over. And if that means starting the process a little bit early so that you can still get out the door on time, then that might be something that you need to change in your schedule. Because yes, it does take a little bit longer when a child who is learning how to dress themselves is permitted to do that. But it shouldn't just be permitted. It should be encouraged. So simply ask your child, do you want to put your pants on by yourself or do you want me to help? They might not be 100% successful. They might even put their pants on backwards and that's okay. If they do ask for your help, you kind of want to feel out the situation. You don't want to just 100% take over. They might just want a little bit of a boost in whatever their process is and then want to take over again. So for example, if they're putting socks on, they might be able to get it over their toes, but the sock gets stuck at their heel. So maybe you need to just help them kind of get it over their heel and then they want to pull their socks up the rest of the way. And in Montessori, there's this whole idea that you offer them as much help as they need, but as little help as necessary. If your child does choose to want to try to kind of struggle through putting their own pants or a shirt or socks on by themselves, it's really hard sometimes for the parent, but I encourage you to just kind of sit back, observe and say, I'm here if you need my help. I know that I do this with my daughter every single day and it works like a charm. If your child is 100% resisting this process of getting dressed, no matter what you've tried, then you're going to have to help them get dressed. They can't leave the house without clothes on. And your task is basically to just kind of empathize with them as you're helping them get dressed. Yeah, I hear you. I understand you don't want to get dressed, but I'm going to help you do this. Another common situation that parents run into is a child resisting leaving the house for daycare or school. The first thing I want to say about this is preventative maintenance. Routine, routine, routine is probably the most important thing that you can do. Have a set schedule of things that you do every single morning in the same order. This way your child knows what to expect. For some kids having a routine chart or a set of routine cards with actual pictures of them accomplishing each of the steps in the task is really helpful. Beyond that, definitely make use of the proactive strategy of giving your child a heads up before you go. Even though you do the same thing every single day, kids still benefit from having that little heads up. So you can say something like, Hey, we're going to be leaving in five minutes. Please put your shoes on with younger children. You can also capitalize on their desire to be helpful and you can ask them for their help. Hey, can you carry my purse to the car? Can you carry my keys to the car? Things like that. And it's not meant to be deceitful. Again, they want to be helpful. So giving them a task kind of makes them feel important. And they're a lot more likely to cooperate with you. Now, if you've tried all of these things and you still have a child who's resisting leaving the house on your hands, it could be because they really just don't want to go. So they're kind of avoiding the issue. Some kids will even go through and hide their shoes or hide some of the things that they know you need to leave to kind of prevent you from getting out the door. And as much as you probably don't want to be late, the best thing that you can do is spend the extra few minutes kind of getting down on their eye level and empathizing with their feelings. Sometimes kids just need to be heard and understood. So saying something along the lines of you really don't want to go to school today. I need to go finish packing your lunchbox, but I'll be back in five minutes to check on you. Sometimes that validation and just a few extra minutes to process their emotions is all a child needs. Remember, you're trying to forge a respectful relationship with your child. So there's no sense in pushing their feelings to the side and telling them it's okay. You're going to get to do so many fun projects at school today and trying to come up with all of these excuses and reasons why they should go. It's often much simpler to just acknowledge how they feel and help them move on. And speaking of leaving the house, another common battleground is getting your child into their car seat. For some kids, this is just something they don't want to do. And that's completely natural because if you think about it, they're being strapped in. They want to move. They have so much energy. So being restricted is often something that they're not very happy about. But being in the car seat is a non-negotiable for safety's sake. So here's what you can do. First, give them the opportunity to get into the car seat themselves. Having the chance to kind of feel like they have control over the fact that they're getting into the car seat is sometimes enough for some kids to avoid the battle altogether. You can even say something like, do you want to climb in by yourself or do you want me to help you? And if your child doesn't do it after a few moments, then you can say something like, it looks like you're not able to get in on your own, so I'm going to help you. And then very matter of factly and firmly, but gently pick them up and put them in their car seat. They may very well start crying and throwing a tantrum about it, kicking, screaming, what have you. As always, you can empathize with their feelings. Yeah, I know. I hear you. You really don't want to be strapped in right now, but you need to be in your car seat so that you're safe while we're driving and you've accomplished your task as the parent and keeping them safe. Here's a biggie leaving the park or the zoo or any fun place that your child absolutely does not want to leave because this is a public situation. Parents are often afraid to set a limit around this, but what's most important here is your relationship with your child and the limits that you're setting so that they understand that when you say it's time to go, it's time to go. So the first thing that I would offer is again, to make sure you're giving your child a heads up. They're probably having the time of their life. They're having so much fun. They don't want to leave. So if you kind of just surprise them and jump on them and say, okay, it's time to go. You can almost bet they're going to resist you. But if you can remember when you actually still have plenty of time to spare to walk over to your child and say, Hey, it looks like you're having a lot of fun on the slide. We're going to be leaving in five minutes. Do you want to go on the swings before we go or continue playing on the slide? Often that's enough for your child to be okay with leaving. When you say it's time to go. However, there are definitely going to be times where even giving them a heads up is not going to solve the issue. And your child is still going to throw a tantrum or have some sort of emotional meltdown over the fact that you need to leave. And I hope you're starting to notice a pattern here, but again, if they have a meltdown over it, then the best thing you can do is empathize with their feelings and help them leave. You can say, yeah, I hear that you really want to stay. You don't want to go home and it's time to leave. If that means picking up your child again, gently, but firmly picking them up and carrying them to the car, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's often better to just kind of get out of there as fast as you can anyway, because it's the most respectful thing to do to give your child privacy over in your car, as opposed to just having this meltdown publicly in front of everybody else. Not to mention, it allows you to save face a little bit as well. Now, as for interrupting or demanding your attention, this is something that young children often do, and they're not doing it to annoy you. They're perceiving their need as very urgent. Young children are very egocentric, but there are things that you can do to teach them that that's not the best way to get your attention, especially if you're in the middle of another conversation. So the Montessori approach to this is to actually teach your child to place a hand on your shoulder if you're down at their level, or maybe on your leg if you're standing, just to kind of let you know that they're there and they need something from you, but that they're otherwise waiting. So that's something you need to teach, and it probably will take a little bit of practice before your child masters this. However, if your child has not mastered this technique yet, or they're still interrupting you regardless, then you need to acknowledge that they're trying to get your attention, but kind of stand your ground on the respect of not interrupting you. You can say something like, I hear that you want my attention. I'm talking to daddy right now, but I'll be able to listen to you in five minutes. Often they just need to know that you've heard them, and then they're able to wait patiently. If they feel like they're being ignored, then yes, they're going to be very persistent in trying to get your attention. If you find that your child is still being persistent, then you can do something simple, like kind of look over at her to let her know that you've seen her, put your finger up like just one more minute, and you might even possibly say something like, man, you really want to tell me something right now. But whatever you choose to do, be sure that you finish your conversation. You can address your child when you're done, and you're modeling for her that interrupting is not respectful. If your child becomes upset by the fact that you've asked her to wait, then finish your conversation to the best of your ability, and then you can help her process her emotions. Here's another common situation, asking your child to stop their playtime for a transition, such as having to eat dinner. So preventative maintenance is a good one in this situation. Just like when you're at the park, the best thing you can do is give them a heads up. You can casually approach them while they're playing and say, it looks like you're having a lot of fun with those blocks. Just so you know, we're going to have dinner in five minutes, and we're going to need to stop playing. The same goes for if they're outside playing and you need them to come in for something. That heads up sometimes is crucial. But again, there are some strong-willed children that even with a little bit of a time heads up, they are still going to resist stopping playing when it's time. And if that's the case, then again, empathize with them. Yeah, I know you really want to finish your art project right now, and it's time for dinner. Especially with younger kids, a great tip is to kind of narrate what is happening. Even though it's common sense to you as the adult, it might not be common sense to your child. So saying something like, why don't you leave your markers on the table right there? And then you can finish your project when we're done with dinner. Often that's just enough for them to kind of comprehend that the fun is not entirely over and that they will be able to return to their project when they're done. And then there'll be a little bit more willing to stop. In the case of a child being outside and needing to come inside, if they start resisting or throwing a tantrum over coming inside, then you just need to empathize and say, yeah, I know you really want to stay outside right now, and it's time to come inside. And if need be, just realize that you might need to actually go outside, get your child, pick them up firmly, but gently and carry them inside. Even if they're having a tantrum while that's happening, and then be sure to remain emotionally available and help them through their tantrum. If you are a family that allows screen time for your children, then you are probably setting limits on how often that screen time occurs and how long your child is allowed to have screen time each day. So often ending screen time becomes a battle. But again, if you set a limit, say one hour per day, then you need to stick to that boundary and set that limit. When the hour is over, you can say, yeah, I know you really wanted to keep watching your favorite show. It's such a fun show and screen time is over. We can watch more tomorrow. Your child may not be very happy with this response, but at least they know that you've understood them and you're accepting their response. Your child is entitled to their feelings about it. There's nothing wrong with that. Another kind of random tip that I've picked up along the way that I find actually helps with my toddler is this whole idea of wish fulfillment in theory. So sometimes when we end screen time, I'll say something to her like, yeah, I know you were having so much fun watching that show and screen time is over right now. And if she persists and is still upset about it, I'll say, you know, I bet when you're older, you're going to watch that show all day. And what's funny is I've said that time and again, and for a long time, she never responded to me really when I said that. But now as a very verbal toddler, she's starting to echo that sentiment back to me. If we end screen time and she's not happy about it, she'll actually tell me, mommy, when I'm older, I'm going to watch that show all day. And what's interesting is that I'll see if I can find a link to some of the research, but there is research out there that providing wish fulfillment like that actually activates the same centers in the brain as if the child actually got what they were wishing for in real life. And from my own personal experience, I can say that it does work. Usually after she tells me that she kind of sniffs a couple more times and she's over it. So that's something you can try to, it might not work for every child, but it's worth a shot. What about whining? Almost every parent has experienced some form of whining with their child. And what's important to realize is that whining again, is developmentally appropriate for young children, but there's often a reason behind why they're whining. They're not whining just because. So really try to get to the root of their whining if possible and consider everything. Are they hungry? Are they thirsty? Are they tired? Are they teething and a little bit uncomfortable? Are they used to having you entertain them all the time? And now you're expecting them to play independently. So they feel like they're bored and they don't know what to do. There's usually some underlying cause. However, if your child is approaching you with whining behavior, you can say to them, it sounds like you're really bothered right now, but I'm having a really hard time understanding you. Can you please use your normal voice? They might even continue the whining a little bit. And as they do so, then you can start to ask them questions to try to get to the root of what they want. And obviously remind them as The important part is to not let it get to you. For some parents, whining is one of their trigger buttons. So if you can keep yourself emotionally calm and kind of unaffected by the whining, the better off you're going to be. So handle it as calmly, coolly, and respectfully as possible and know that it is a phase and it will pass. Don't ignore it, but definitely try not to draw too much attention to it or let on that it's getting under your skin. A question that I'm asked about is what to do if your child is not using their toys or activities appropriately. At this point, you guys probably know that I'm a huge fan of proactive strategies and preventative maintenance. So the first thing that I can suggest is definitely setting some ground rules with your child regarding some of these activities, especially ones that can be messy like art activities. I know that in our house, my child has a designated art table and all of her art supplies are located right next to it. And she is only allowed to use those art supplies at that art table. Now, if your child is using some sort of toy or activity inappropriately, say for example, they're doing a window cleaning activity involving a spray bottle of water. Let's say they start to spray the couch instead of the window. First realize that it's just a little bit of water. It's not an emergency and something that needs to be jumped on. You can say something very calm, cool, collected, like it doesn't look like you're able to use that spray bottle appropriately today. So I'm going to put it away for now. You can try again tomorrow, or I can't let you throw those blocks. That's not safe. You can throw this soft stuffed animal instead, or heaven forbid, if they're actually using their art materials on a piece of furniture. I know that's probably enough to make any parent crazy, but as much as you can try to control your reaction. Again, you're responding, not reacting to your child's behavior. So you can say something like, I can't let you draw on the couch. Here's some paper if you'd like to draw, and then redirect them to the appropriate area for their art activities. And then of course you want to have them assist to the best of their ability as long as it's safe for them. Have them assist in cleaning up. And it's important that you're not forcing them to clean up. You're not saying, you better go wipe that off the couch right now. That's very angry and not a place that you really want to come from if you're trying to be respectful and positive with your child. Try to be matter-of-fact as best as you can and just say, it looks like we need to clean that marker off the couch. Let's see if you can help me. And then you can offer them a paper towel or a rag or whatever you're going to use. Obviously you keep the but you can invite them to help you to the best of their ability. When it comes to mealtime behaviors, a lot of parents get very frustrated with young children because they don't want to eat. They don't want to sit still. They do silly things with their food. And the best thing that you can do is encourage that Montessori independence around mealtimes. Provide them with a small child-sized table and chairs that they can sit at. Or if you prefer that you sit down and eat together as a family, then perhaps consider investing in a junior chair so that your Having a chair that they can get in and out of themselves often avoids a lot of the battles because toddlers, again, they like to move. They don't want to be strapped in. I'm sure there are some compliant children out there who totally don't mind, but I would say the vast majority of toddlers want to get up and move. Now that's not to say that you're going to let them get up and move. They need to have that freedom so that they don't feel confined. However, you're still going to set some boundaries around mealtime. You're going to make sure that there's no screens or other distractions. You want them to focus on their food. You're going to tell them that they have to sit down while they're eating. They're not allowed to get up and walk around with food. And along those same lines, food may not leave the table. It stays on the plate. Now, because your child is going to have the freedom to get out of their chair, especially if it's the first time that you've ever allowed them to do this, it's going to be novel and they are going to get up. But the way that you should respond as a parent is that if they get up, then mealtime is over. It's a very simple, direct message that you need to convey with your child. And you can do that by simply saying, Oh, you're getting out of your chair. That must mean that you're done. I'm going to take your plate to the kitchen now. And oftentimes you'll see a child immediately sit right back down because they've realized that, Whoa, wait, I'm still hungry. I'm not ready to be done. And they'll sit back down and continue their meal. If your child calls your bluff and gets up from their seat and otherwise doesn't seem to care, then mealtime is over. Remove their plate from the table, go put it in the kitchen and they don't get to eat again until the next scheduled mealtime. And you need to be firm about that. I know as a parent, you're probably wondering, well, isn't my child going to be hungry? And what you need to remember is that young children will not starve themselves. I'm not a pediatrician, so I'm not offering medical or nutrition advice whatsoever. But generally speaking, if your child is in good health and they decide to get up from the table, then they're probably not hungry. So it's not really important that you fight that battle right then and there, the same goes for playing with their food or throwing their food. If that happens, then you simply say, Hmm, I see that you're throwing your food. You must not be hungry and you're done. I'm going to take your plate to the kitchen. Now, as for public tantrums in places like the grocery store, the most respectful thing that you can do for your child is to get them out of there, give them privacy and help them process their emotions where you're not under the public eye being scrutinized and judged by other people. I know it sounds like something that you probably don't want to do, but it's in your child's best interest and yours to abandon your cart somewhere, maybe tell an employee that you're going to be back for it. This way, somebody doesn't take it and start returning the things to the shelves, but otherwise abandon your cart, take your child to the car, if necessary, carrying them the whole way, even if they're screaming and yelling while you're doing it, but get them to the car and help them process their emotions there. This way you have all the time that you need. No one is watching you and making you feel uncomfortable as they walk by. It's the most respectful thing again, to do for your child. And honestly, it probably won't even take as long as you might imagine. Once both you and your child are calmed down and everybody's collected, then you can go back into the store and finish your grocery shopping trip. Or if they're not able to get themselves together in a reasonable amount of time, or you're just over it, then you can go home again. It's not ideal, but if you're looking to maintain a respectful, positive relationship with your child, this is honestly the best way to respond. And speaking of being out in public, holding hands while crossing the street or being in a parking lot is something else that a lot of parents struggle with. They find that their child does not want to hold their hand, or they will try to run away or scream and yell if they do. And you have to remember that safety is paramount. Holding your hand is non-negotiable, but you do need to remain calm and collected about it. You simply need to have the confidence and say, you need to hold my hand when we're crossing the street because there are cars and it's not safe. And then firmly, but gently grab and hold their hand. Don't let them let go. If they're trying to run away from you, then you need to pick them up and carry them. Again, even if they're screaming and crying, it is for their own safety. In the moment, it might not feel like the most positive thing in the world, but once you've gotten to your destination, you can help your child through their emotional upset. And most importantly, you've done your job as the parent and kept them safe. Now, this last real life scenario is one that I get asked about time and again, and it is probably one of the biggest concerns that parents have. And that is the situation where your child is hitting or kicking or pushing or biting you or other children. Often in the moment, when this happens, it feels like an emergency to us, but it's important to rein yourself in and remind yourself that lashing out impulsive behavior like this is completely developmentally appropriate for children. It's just that some children are better at controlling those impulses than others. So if you're noticing that this type of behavior is a pattern for your child, then there are some proactive things that I would suggest you try first. The first thing you can do is role-playing at home ahead of time, kind of before your child is placed into situations where they might be tempted to do one of these negative aggressive behaviors. You can role-play one-on-one with your child or even with stuffed animals and give them the words that they can use or alternative behaviors to what they might choose to do, hitting, pushing, or biting. The more they have practice with this outside of those situations, the better they're going to be able to be to recall what you've talked about and actually use those words. And you want to encourage them to say things like, I'm really upset right now, or I'm really frustrated, or hey, I was playing with that. You can also read books together with your child about these scenarios. There are a lot of great ones on hitting and biting and things like that. I will find some links and put them in the description box below for you guys, if you're interested in checking some of those out. But oftentimes kind of playing through these scenarios as part of a book is a great way to open that discussion with your child in neutral territory, where they're a lot more perceptive to listening and understanding. Because when they're in the moment, trust me, they're not listening very well. And specifically when it comes to biting, you might also consider having a special teether, either that your child can carry in his pocket, or if the child is really young, maybe you can carry it on your person and offer it to them when you know they're in a situation where biting might occur. Now, if the hitting or kicking or biting is directed toward you, and you're the one holding the child at the moment, then you're going to gently stop their hands or their feet with your own hands and say, I won't let you hit me. Hitting hurts. And if the child continues to do it, despite that, then you're going to say, it looks like you're having a hard time not hitting me, so I'm going to put you down right now. And for some kids, this in itself, putting them down might make them even more upset. But again, then it's your job to remain emotionally available and help them through their meltdown. Now, if your child is hitting or pushing, kicking, biting another child, it's important that you kind of remain there as your child's buddy guard, especially if you know that they're prone to doing these things. And if you see that it's about to happen, you're able to intervene, then do so. Gently place your hands on your child's hands or feet or on their shoulders if they're biting to kind of prevent them from having physical access to the other child and say, you really wanted that toy, I know, but I'm not going to let you hit Johnny. Hitting hurts. And honestly, this is probably one of the most difficult ones for parents to do because again, when violence and aggression is involved, it sends a lot of us over the edge. We feel like it's an emergency that needs to be rushed in and dealt with right away. And it does need to be dealt with, but it does not need to be dealt with in the way that we traditionally think of it. You're not going to be stopping the hitting with empathy in that moment because that's a really tall order to ask of us, but you definitely need to stop the hitting or aggressive behavior with understanding and acceptance. You really need to try to reserve your judgment. Remember that these impulses are natural and normal for some kids and shaming them for it and saying things like what's the matter with you is not going to help. It's only going to breed more discomfort inside your child and make the issue worse. Trust me, your child knows, especially if they're a little bit older, that that type of aggressive behavior is not acceptable. And a child who is consistently choosing to hurt other people out of anger and frustration has already gone to that bad place and they've shut down. So what they really need is for you to be in their corner, kind of helping them and guiding them to figure out why they've gone to that bad place. They certainly don't need you backing them into that corner even further with blame and shame over their behavioral choice. So if you aren't able to intervene and it does happen, I would go ahead with saying, I can't let you do that. That hurts. And then immediately attend to the other child because honestly, that's what's important in the moment. You want to make sure the other child is okay. And modeling that that's important is one of the most powerful things that you can do for the offending child. After a few minutes, once things have calmed down, you also want to help the offending child make amends with the child that was hurt. If they're a very young child, then you're going to need to brainstorm ideas together. But for an older child, you can certainly allow them to come up with whatever ideas they think are going to remedy the situation on their own. Apologies should certainly be one of the options, but consider alternatives depending on the situation. Perhaps your child might go get an ice pack for the child. Some children respond really well to hugs. You kind of just have to feel it out as the adult. But the one thing that you want to avoid is forcing an apology. As the adult, I would definitely make sure to model apologizing, especially if your child is very young or pre-verbal. So you can apologize on behalf of your child and say, I'm so sorry that my child bit you. That was not acceptable. When an apology is forced, it's not genuine. Your child doesn't really mean it. And you have to consider, do you really want to teach your child that offering fake apologies is what you're supposed to do? You want them to feel genuinely sorry that they hurt another person. So once your child has gotten to a place where they do feel bad about what they'd done, then chances are they are going to apologize on their own. So after the incident is over, it doesn't have to be an extended amount of time. Just kind of when everything has calmed down and the other child is okay, that's a much better time to approach the child that did the biting or the hitting or kicking or pushing and really try to sit down with them and figure out what's going on. You want to pick a time when the child is not in defense mode, because if they're feeling defensive, they're not going to be open to talking about it with you. You really want to get down on their level and just kind of be like, Hey, what's going on? You know, why did you do that? What happened that made you feel that way? And with an older child, you can even say, you know what, if you feel like hurting somebody else, can you let me know so that I can help you? But the most important part of handling this whole delicate process is having openness and understanding on your part. And I know that's much easier said than done. So it's probably going to take a little bit of practice on your part too. I know there are probably a lot of you out there who feel like timeout or some sort of other punishment is absolutely necessary when it comes to such a aggressive behavior like this. But I urge you to reconsider a child that is being left alone to deal with his already angry feelings and his frustrations is probably only going to feel more shameful about it, which again, will make the behavior worse. And it's going to reappear. So making the child force an apology and yelling at them for it and having them sit in timeout is not really going to be effective in the long run. It might look like it's working on the surface in the situation that you're in, but again, it's going to keep happening. Instead, you should be looking for a long-term solution. That's going to get to the root of why your child is doing these behaviors. You want to teach them and guide them how to respond to their angry and frustrated feelings in a more constructive way than being aggressive, but it's going to take time and patience and understanding. And that's just a commitment that you're going to have to make as their parent. So some other helpful tips to remember when you're setting limits with your child. The first is to use clear and direct first person language, just like you would with any other person. So you want to use phrasing like, I can't let you climb on the couch. That's not safe. Instead of mommy doesn't want you to get hurt. Another great tip is one that I learned from Janet Lansbury. She's the author of no bad kids, toddler discipline without shame, which I've linked below. And she's also one of the leading pioneers on respectful parenting. And that tip is to exude your inner CEO whenever you're setting limits with your child. And what that looks like is that you're remaining calm, cool, collected, but also confident and firm just like a CEO would at their company, interacting with a respected employee. And the last tip when setting limits is that your tone matters. There's a huge difference between yelling at your child. I can not let you do that. And doing it instead with cool confidence, simply stating, I can't let you do that. You're getting the same message across, but the tone is entirely different and it will make or break your child's reaction to learn more helpful tips and advice on some of the proactive strategies that you can use to help prevent some of the examples that we've discussed here today. Then be sure to check out my first video on the basics of implementing positive discipline at home with your children. You may also want to check out my recommended reading list in the description box below. It has links to a variety of fabulous books that I have personally read from cover to cover and which I've found to be extremely helpful on my own positive discipline journey with my toddler. If you liked today's video, then please be sure to give it a big thumbs up. And just in case you're new to my channel, I did want to let you know that this video is part of a larger series called Montessori at home, which is aimed at providing practical tips and advice for busy parents like you and I for implementing Montessori philosophies at home with your children. So if that sounds like something that you're interested in watching more of, then you might consider subscribing to my channel so that you don't miss a new video because I do upload a new one, just like this one every single week. Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time. Bye.