Why Caring Is Killing You Compassion Fatigue & The Neuro Science of Burnout

What if burnout isn't caused by working too hard? What if burnout happens because you've spent so many years surviving that your brain no longer knows how to feel safe? Millions of women are exhausted, overwhelmed, and disconnected. Not because they're weak, but because they've trained themselves to push everything and eventually the body starts to demand what the mind keeps ignoring. Today we're talking about neuroscience of burnout and what it takes to reclaim your peace. My name is Edna White and I am your host of Keeping It Real On Purpose. Today we're discussing a topic that impacts millions of people, especially high-achieving women who spent years carrying responsibility, managing expectations, and taking care of everyone except themselves. My guest is Dr. Tony Nader and I was going to say you don't look like a Tony, but I don't want to look like a Tony. Okay, Dr. Tony Nader, welcome to Keeping It Real On Purpose. Thank you for having me, Edna. That's wonderful to be on this wonderful show. Oh, I am so happy to have you. You are a Harvard-trained physician, MIT neuroscientist, New York Times bestselling. How does that even feel right now? I want to know that. It feels good to be with you and whatever titles you give. Oh, okay. All right. So, I know that you specialize in neuroscience. Can you just give us a little bit about what neuroscience is? It's the science of the nervous system. That's why neuro is for nervous. Neuron, neurology, the brain, the nervous system, and the science of how it works. So, we try to see how our nervous system works, how our brain works, what are the electrical chemical changes that are happening there, how the nervous system responds to even thoughts and feelings and all of that. It's figuring out the functioning of our nervous system. Oh, that must be fun. Oh, goodness. So, what's the biggest misconception people have about burnout? Burnout is a physiological aspect also, and mainly sometimes. People think burnout is only emotional or on the feeling level. They start blaming themselves for burning out and being overwhelmed on the mental level, whereas they don't realize that something actually physical happening at the same time, and that physically is giving them a message. I know it happened to me when I was on a very, very strenuous job. I started to get headaches at like 8.59. At 8.59, I started to get headaches because I had to be at work at 9. At 8.59, and I was having headaches, stomach aches. It was really bad, and I was like, there must be something wrong with me. But I did have the mental, the things just like I felt bad all the time, and I was second guessing myself. I was brain fog. It was really bad. But when I started feeling in my body, I was like, yeah, something's going on. It's more than this. So I did feel that physical part. Yeah. Oftentimes what happens is the mind and body are so intimately connected. You eat the wrong thing, and you might feel not so good. Yeah. Yes. Sleepy. You are hungry. You feel angry sometimes. So change- Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. They affect our mood, and we sometimes blame ourselves- Right. ... for something that's actually of a physical nature. And it's great to hear that you listen to your body. You say, okay, what's going on there? Yeah. Yeah. Because I was getting really excruciating headaches, and I wasn't a headache person. I'm pretty fairly chipper. And then when it was affecting me physically, and I know a lot of women have talked to me about that, that they had physical symptoms. I think one woman even told me her legs was giving out even, that kind of stuff. So I know burnout can be physical, but a lot of times we think, oh, we're doing too much work, but it really is a lot bigger, as you're saying. We have to pay attention to it. Yeah. Physical doesn't mean it cannot originate in the mind. Right. Exactly. If you think too much, you worry too much, even you care in a way that is excessive- ... without taking care of yourself. Yes. And that mental translates into a physical aspect. For example, empathy, when we see somebody suffering, that is an emotional aspect that's on the surface level, a feeling, but it actually changes things in the nervous system. And if it gets too much, then the body reaches a limit of how much it can handle. Wow. That is so true. I didn't think about that until you said it. It's so relative. That is so true. Empathy. And then if you have too much of it, like when we're going through the pandemic and watching TV, watching things, I was crying uncontrollably, sobbing. And then I was like, oh, I got to turn the TV off. It wasn't good. Right? You can have too much of that. Yeah. We are wired to care. This is something very positive and very good, but we have to know how to balance it, how to care for ourselves. And so it's beyond us. There are brain cells and neurons and chemicals that get depleted when we see somebody suffering. So there is a physical component which can, if it reaches too much of activity and gets excessive, can create inflammation in the body and all of that. But we have to be able to balance this by being conscious of what's happening and making the right decision so that we don't get burned out. Right, right. I mean, actually, can someone become so accustomed to surviving like that, that they no longer recognize what peace feels like? Yeah, this is where it reaches a limit where certain parts of the brain, of the nervous system are overwhelmed and they stop in a sense working. And we enter in a cycle, this loop of exhaustion and fatigue and tiredness. And we lose contact with the inner silence and inner peace and happiness. And sometimes we do it with great, beautiful intentions. Right. But we don't listen to our body also, listen to our feelings. Yes. Then it can get out of hand. Wow. That's dangerous. That sounds like survival, like the old wounds and old fears just taking control. That's really, that's scary. Yeah, when we are in danger, in real danger, of course, the body puts all its energy together and we survive and that is fine. But what we see, for example, in soldiers who come from war areas, etc., they develop PTSD after they return. So when the danger is gone and the body tries to recollect itself, it finds itself in a dramatic kind of situation where it's overwhelmed. And then there are things to do that are important to recover from that situation. Yes. So why do so many successful people still feel empty? Why do they feel like that? Even they're successful, they're making money. What is that all about? Maybe there are different reasons, of course, individual reasons. But sometimes when you count always on the outside values to give you fulfillment inside, you're projecting on the objects of things. I want to own this. I want to succeed here. They overuse their physiology and their minds and they end up, you know, physically burning out and getting traumatized. So they pass from the reactivities, you know, cycles into overwhelm and from overwhelm into trauma. And that is how they are empty. They feel empty because they didn't have or give themselves a chance to rest and to disconnect a little bit from the outside. You know, it's like a computer that is overworked and with many software. It starts working slow and doesn't work so you have to reset it. And resetting, there are techniques to reset. I discuss this in my book, The Power of Caring, how to reset the system, how to transcend, which means to go beyond those surface value and go back into depressed. Okay. Okay. And is that the same for everyone who kind of, not just the high achievers, but for those that may not have that, you know, maybe, you know, they're not high achieving, is that they experience the same way? Yeah, they might not be high achievers, but they might be encountering difficult situations in the environment, worries about, you know, about life and living and different concerns about relatives, about friends. Right. So that also requires a hygiene, a rhythm, a mental, you know, process to always reset the system, whether you are a high achiever on the outside or you're dealing with situations that are complicated or even want to succeed and working, a student going beyond, you know, what is the limit of their, you know, capacity to work without resting. You know, it's like somebody who doesn't sleep and doesn't rest and then they go to sleep. So they experience that. Wow. So stress can actually stop you from sleeping as well, right? Yeah. If we don't sleep, there is accumulation of fatigue because sleep is one of the ways we wash out the stress and the fatigue. Oh, that's even better. I love that. Yes. I'm going to adopt that now. Yeah. And there are techniques like what I practice called transcendental meditation, which allows the mind to settle down. And when the mind settles down, the body settles down, and then the deposits go away. There is a state of deep rest with alertness at the same time. So what we call wakeful alertness or restful alertness. So there are techniques that we can use to reset ourselves. That's nice. I like that. What is the brain actually seeking when we constantly push for more? The nature of life is to go for more. So that side we shouldn't. Okay. Everyone wants more love. Everyone wants more knowledge. Everyone wants beautiful things to see, beautiful things to eat. So that is the nature of life. It's the expansion of happiness, the expansion of well-being. And so that requires this rhythm of rest and activity. If we project ourselves always to the outside and not draw ourselves back in, then we lose the energy and the capacity that the mind and the body need in order to be performing on the outside. So the problem is not with desiring more, because that's part of the nature of life. The problem is not to know where the source of intelligence, the source of creativity is. And that is all within us. And so we have to alter that inner peace, inner harmony, so we can come out with maximum effectiveness on the outside. Okay. So what's one step that we have to get back to ourselves? If you could tell the audience. Of course, daily routine, good sleep, sleep early, sleep, you know, don't keep yourself late. Take a good routine, sleeping always on time and waking, you know, whenever you wake up, take good rest. And, you know, of course, good habits of exercise and diet, you know, these are the things we know. But we can add to this meditation, transcendental meditation. It's a special kind of meditation, which is very easy to learn, and which is very powerful in normalizing the system and keeping it working properly. Okay. Can you do like an example or do an exercise, a real short one for us? I'll participate. You know, even sitting quietly in a chair, letting your shoulders drop down, sitting straight, making sure your, you know, arms are not tense, you know, because when we are tense, it appears in our how we carry ourselves. Maybe the jaw is tense, the shoulders are up. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah. We make a face without knowing we are really tense as if we are going to fight something. And that is because we have stress in us. So even as we relax the body, sit straight, let the shoulders fall down, let the jaw fall, let the arms relax, you know, open the arms, don't stretch them too much, just let them open naturally. And then close the eyes and take a few deep breaths. And that already is a very small step to settle down the physiology and what we call the parasympathetic system, which is a calming system that calms the heart rate, calms the blood pressure. So this is a small aspect, but to go much deeper, you can learn actually these techniques like transcendental meditation. Yeah, yeah. I haven't heard that word before. But I love I indulge in meditation. I think this is my 10th year that I've been doing it. So I'm really excited that I keep it in my regimen daily. And yeah, I do that every morning. And I do my exercise. So I make sure that it's part of my life before I do anything. Because it does give you it opened up for me my creativity, you know, my intuitiveness, you know, and it actually kept me calm because I did I had experienced a lot of PTSD in my life. And I didn't even know it. I just thought it was me. You know, I didn't even know it until again, somebody came on my show was talking about I was like, that's me. You know, so I get it that, you know, I had to start to calm down. And wow, it just makes a whole big difference. I'm not nervous as much. And then when I am, I know how to talk myself down and start breathing. So it's a great thing. Yeah, many types of meditation. Transcendental comes from to transcend to transcend means to go beyond. Like there is an ocean. And you imagine the mind is like an ocean. So it's not that you try to imagine during the practice, we are just taking an analogy. If the mind is like an ocean, it has the surface value where there are the waves and the depths where it becomes more quiet and more quiet within the mind like this, it has activity level where the thoughts come and jump around and worries and all of that. And it has a settled state, a state where it is more calm within. And so transcending means going beyond the surface value and dive deep within. And there is a technique for that. One can see if, oh, I should I try to dive or force it? It doesn't work if you try all things. But there is a technique where you learn how to do it. And then the mind settles down, settles down. And then you feel refreshed, alert, and inner well-being and happiness come up. And you come out of it feeling great and more creative. Right. I will tell you, it took me the longest because I was fighting it in the beginning. So I would only last maybe a minute, you know, like I got my eye open or something. But more, you know, more things were like, I can literally hear more of the thoughts that were going around in my head when I started doing it. And like you say, don't force it. And I was trying to force it past all the noise. And it really didn't help. It just made everything louder. But then once I got to the breathing part and just starting to breathe more and concentrating on that, literally my mind, I went past it. You know, if it was if I was thinking it, I didn't know. I really went past it. So it does take a practice to do that. Right. You get to learn it. You learn it from a teacher. And it's easy. You learn it in three, four days, one and a half hour every day. And that's it. And you are on your own. You can do it on your own. Yeah, it's really the best thing. So if someone is out there that is kind of struggling with burnout and, you know, now that you've given us so many pointers and what burnout really is, what would you tell them that are struggling today with that? First is to realign themselves with themselves and not to feel that it is selfish to take care of yourself. That's good. Sometimes people are wanting, you know, to help and help and all of that. And they get into a burnout situation. Yeah. Or they're feeling difficult situations. And so they have to know how to put boundaries. Boundaries doesn't mean walls. It means to know the limit of what is theirs to care about or how much to care for, how, what extent and the difference. And I call this conscious caring, conscious caring, which means caring that is not just based on the reflex or based on, you know, automation or based on stress, but actually to evaluate the situation and to know the limits and see that in order to continue to care, you shouldn't burn out because the idea is to be able to care for yourself and care for others. So you offer yourself as a baseline, as a platform on which you can care for others. Oh, that's good. I'm going to tell you, I'm learning that without you. And now you just helped me out a little bit more because I was, you know how, you know, women, you know, and some men, I'm not saying everybody doesn't, but I was caring too much. I was caring more than the person that I was caring for. Like, you know what I mean? And I wasn't getting any sleep. I was worried all the time, you know, and I was always, you know, clicking my fingers, biting my nails. It was just like really bad that I had to say, I think I care too much. I think I'm carrying instead of caring, I'm carrying their problem. So I had to create those boundaries and have to, had to say, no, I can't do that. That's beautiful. Yes. The difference between caring and carrying, no, I highlight this in the book where we don't have, we can care without carrying the burden. So we can be at peace and harmony within ourselves and don't have to be shaken by the situation. And empathy means to suffer with the other. It means to be able to lift the other outside of their suffering. So you don't feel the obligation to suffer as a necessity to be empathic and feeling with others. Yes. That's so good. I think we take words for granted and you just brought it up is empathy does not have anything to do with like getting in the place of them and just like feeling what they would feel because we don't know what they feel really. We that's good. That's really good to know that. Okay. So now we come up to the flash round where I will ask you eight questions and you just, with your infinite wisdom, pour it out, whatever it is, pour it out for the audience and for myself, because this is learning for me. So I'll give you eight questions. Are you ready? Do you want short answers? There you go. If you can. Okay. Can the brain become addicted to stress? It can, but at the end it falls apart and therefore it needs recovering. Oh, that's good. Is the hustle culture helping us or hurting us? They depend on how much we have rhythm and how much we are able to break from this hustle and get into our deep rest. Okay, good. One habit that contributes most to burnout? A habit of not resting enough, not going back to the self and keep going out and out with great ideas and great intentions, but then it burns us out. That's good. One habit that restores peace? Back to the self. Always take a good time to sit and calm down and go back to yourself. Oh, that's good. I like that. What's the biggest myth about meditation? There was a little disconnection. Can you repeat the question, please? What's the biggest myth about meditation? The biggest myth is that all meditations are the same and they are not. Meditation is a technique of the mind. There are some contemplation, some concentration, some different techniques. What we teach is transcendental meditation, which has much more profound and different effects than the common techniques that are being used. What's a better word, achievement or fulfillment? Fulfillment is the result of achievement. Fulfillment means you have achieved. Oh, very good. Very good. I like that. What's the one thing people overcomplicate? They overcomplicate the simplicity and the beauty and the naturalness of life as a whole. Well, that's good. What's one thing every person should do daily for their mental well-being? Practice transcendental meditation. I knew you were going to say that. I just knew it. Because I believe it. For me, it has been a blessing, an amazing blessing. Yes. Well, I can tell. I can really tell. Well, that was great. I hope everybody was listening. Burnout doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. I want you all to take in what our Dr. Tony has said. It takes years of believing your value comes from what you do instead of who you are. Any last words, doctor? Life is full of bliss and opportunity to be lived on the highest possible level if we find the right rhythm between caring and caring for ourselves and getting good routine and living a life of greater happiness and fulfillment. Well, I love that. Well, thank you, Dr. Tony Nidar for joining us today. If you'd like to connect with Dr. Tony, please look under this video. You'll see all of his information, learn about his books, research, his teachings, all his information will be available to you. And if you want to take your next move, that link also is below this video. We want to thank you all for being here today. Thank my special guest for just helping us get out of burnout. This is our season to get into trans, what is it called? Transformational. Transdental. Transdental. Okay, there we go. See, I messed it up. But get into it. And yeah, we'll have you back to do like a little exercise for us, maybe. All right. Looking forward. Thank you for being there. We're going to remember to like and share and subscribe this video. Thanks again. And we'll see you the next time around. Bye for now. Bye.