Beyond the Textbook: What I Learned About Parenting from My Own Trauma

Welcome to Keeping It Real on Purpose. I'm your host, Edna White, and we are all struggling with certain habits. The one you swear you'll quit, the pattern you'll keep repeating, or the decision you make knowing it sabotages your goals. What if the solution wasn't willpower, but understanding the behavior code itself? Welcome to Keeping It Real on Purpose. Today we're joined by someone with a truly unique perspective on the human behavior. Martha Bureick. I said it right. Audience, I am getting good. Okay. Martha spent a decade as a child psychologist. profess professor psychology professor 16 years as a special education teacher and now volunteers weekly helping people navigate recovery from sub substance abuse at the local jail and treatment center. Martha, thank you for bringing everything that you have to the stages of the world. Thank you for being here. >> Thanks Edna. I am absolutely thrilled to be here and you know the first thing I always tell everybody when I start a show is mom loved my brother better. So that's colored my whole life and we'll talk about it later. >> Okay Martha, your journey from winning the outstanding professor award um truly depicts your dedication and and it's remarkable. Tell us what is the single biggest lesson you learned about human behavior in the classroom that provided equally true in the jail. >> You know that's such an excellent question. You know what people want? They want to be acknowledged. It's not even so much attention as they want to be appreciated. They want to be known that they do things and that people appreciate them and want them around. And so, you know, it's really, you know, what a lot of times with parents and and spouses and and relationships, what they the mistake they make is they criticize. And then when when we criticize our children because we think as parents we're supposed to, you know, make them do the right thing. And >> what happens is is they take us out of their quality world. So, you know, we try to make our spouse be a better person. So, we criticize them. Well, then the spouse says, "Well, you know, to back to themselves, like, well, I'm just not going to share anything with them again because they turn it back on me or or I'm not good enough." So, they they don't share their real feelings and things with us. And then what do we do? We destroy relationships. >> Yeah, that's that's heavy. You started right in. See, I was going to take it slow and easy. You just started right in. Started right in. So, I know I want to explore the bridge between education and deep-seated habits. I know that. But I want you to answer my proverbial question that asks all my guests. How do you show up in the world? >> How do I show up in the world? Boy, another excellent question. Eda, you're Well, what do you mean? You're just jumping right in. Uh, how do I show up in the world? I show up. >> I show up. I'm sick and tired of being a shy retiring violet. And I just put my one foot in front of the other and if I say something somebody doesn't like, I say, "Well, excuse me. What would you like me to say?" If somebody criticizes me, I say, "Thank you for the information." Um, you know, I show up. I go to treatment centers. I go to jails. I go to places. I go to nursing homes. You, you know, I I show up. >> I show up. >> And that's really And you're going to be criticized no matter what you do. Let's just face it. Let's all just face that no matter what we do wrong. So just get used to it. Say thank you for the invitation and move on with your life. >> I don't know if I can say that. Martha, thank you for the invitation. I think I just have to say a couple more things with that. But yes, I do have to say thank you. I'm learning that along the road that they come those things or those people come to kind of clean off the excess of like what you really want to tell them, >> you know? So, I I get it. >> One gal got all upset. She posted on Facebook and this one of one of these law of attraction uh groups and she said, "I can't believe what happened to me today. I met the meanest person. This man at the grocery store said to me, "You'd be pretty if you'd lose some weight. Can you believe how mean he was to talk to you like that?" And so, you know, why would anyone do that? So, these other people responded, "Oh, dear. Oh, how terrible. Oh, how mean." And I said, you know, it's very rare that a stranger will come up and just insult. My my suspicions are that he really believed what he said to you that you are a very pretty girl and to him you'd be prettier if you lost weight. How about just saying, "You know what? Thank you so much for the information. I'll think about it." Boom. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I'm learning that, Martha. I will tell you, I am so learning that. Um and I get people who give me too much information and they'll be like, "So, what do you do about that, Martha? Tell me about it. >> You know the good one, this is the one that that that really gets me is doesn't matter what you do as a parent, you're wrong. Somebody all always say, "You're a bad or whatever." So then, so don't get defensive. Just say, "Oh, well that's interesting. What makes you say that?" Because for one lady, you know what they told her? They said, "Well, you know, you won't let your child have any candy." >> Oh. Oh. Uhhuh. And that makes me a bad parent. See, when you when you get down to it, you you find out usually you think things like, "Oh my goodness, they think that I'm too permissive or or I'm too mean to my child or I don't pay enough attention to my child." You think all these big things and then it turns out you don't let your child have any candy. >> Oh, thanks for the information. Appreciate it. >> And I know when they go to your house, >> that's my new thing, too. Oh, >> and I do that. I do just what you do. Oh, and that kind of silence that kind of kind of gets rid of that either the person or the question. It goes somewhere. And I'm loving what you're saying because I am being challenged with that now, you know. Um, and in our journeys, I I and and in our journeys, I'm finding also, well, let me say my other journey finding that people are mirrors um to what you need to kind of like handle. Is that something you've seen as well? >> Two reasons people criticize. One is they want to feel better and bigger. They want to feel like, you know what, I can help this person. They want to be helpful. >> The second reason is because you're doing a whole lot better than they are. And then >> you might be right. You don't you you know and you don't want to >> open a hornet's nest. I mean, it's it's either way still human beings and they're trying to meet their needs the best way they can. So, don't be defensive. Just just Oh, that's interesting. Oh, I'm glad I know that. Thanks. Thanks for telling me that. I'll take it under advisement. I I you know, usually my worst students would come to me and they'd go, "You're an absolute in the middle of the classroom. You're a terrible teacher. I can't learn from you." Blah blah blah. And I'd say, "Well, hey, thanks for telling me, hun. Here's what I need from you. You need to write down exactly what I'm doing wrong and then write what I do so that you'll learn because I'm a teacher. I want everybody to learn. And if I'm doing something keeping you from learning, I need to know what it is. But I need you to write it down for me because I need time to think about it. >> How many letters did I get? >> Zero. >> Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. I You know, I like that. um that that example um because it puts it back in other people's you know arena to kind okay I gota I got to answer this now I you know I've said something derogatory now I got to answer it I got to come up with an answer and usually they don't have an answer it's just something that they're either feeling at that moment because they're frustrated like you said or they're just you know hey they don't have nothing else to say but they got to say something. So yeah, I I find that I find that that you know >> people also and maybe you can answer this um will ask you something, you know, will ask you something and put you in a quandry about like what do you think about this? Here's the scenario or here's the story. What do you think? >> Oh, you know, and you know what? Yeah. Every time and every time you give an answer, they come back with well blah blah blah. And then they have another excuse. So, usually I'll go, "Oh, that's interesting. I don't know. I'll have to think about it longer." Because sometimes they're just they're looking I I don't know. They're really not looking for an answer because then they're like, "Well, you know, but then but then except for well, well, yeah, I could do that." And they don't want a solution. They they really just want someone to listen. And here, let me give you another story. My son was like 10 and he went out off with his friend and the friend's father. They went shopping. So, they come back and Anthony um is in the house telling me about their adventure and he was mad. Oh, he was so mad. He bought his son a toy and he didn't buy anything for me. Well, being a, you know, wonderful parent that I am, I had to straighten him out and say, "Well, what do you what did you expect? You're not his son." >> And Anthony me and he goes, he said, "You know what? You don't understand. I'm never talking to you again. He didn't want a solution. He didn't want to be corrected. He had taken me out of his quality world. What he wanted was somebody to listen. So I said, "Oh, you know, I really apologize, Anthony. I wasn't listening. Please tell me again." And he did. He told me again the whole thing. And I really made me mad and blah blah blah and that's not fair. I said, "Boy, oh boy, it sounds like you're really hurt and upset." Yes, I am. >> I said, "A." And then he said, "Okay, I'm going out to play." That was it. All he wanted was somebody, oh, I understand. Yeah, that must have been disappointing for you. Or, yeah, I can see why you sad or or hurt or mad. And then it was over, right? I have. Okay. So I've had in my now experiences because I feel that and I maybe you can answer this or share with what you think this is is I've been moving to a next level or um inwardly you know I've been working a lot of inward work and kind of seeing myself in a different arena um you know in my my spiritual part of my life right and so I don't I so my you know people will ask me questions like this and they'll be doing something they'll like hey what do you think so >> I used to ask do you want the coach Edna or do you want Edna you know the coach Edna and then now I say well what would you do if you were the this person or that person how would you feel and I put it kind of put it back into their laps and I find that after I say well what would you do if this was you? You know, um >> yeah, that's exactly it. >> They have to think about it. And so then people start dropping off like they ghost me like they don't I'm I'm literally people are literally leaving. Um I wouldn't say leaving me, but kind of drifting away. Um, it's it it's it's it's I don't know if it's a a be, you know, a human behavior or what's going on there, you know, but I think I'm doing a lot of shadow work, but I don't know what that is. So, maybe you can share that with me in your experience with of how you work. >> It depends on who they are and what they're ready for. You know, Edna, the problem is is that we don't know people's backgrounds. You know, being in the recovery and addiction community, when people tell me some of their stories, it is just you just want to lay down and cry. You just want to cry >> the suffering that some people have been through when they >> in as as children. And >> we have to be really careful about giving advice and right >> you know I'll give suggestions a lot of times and there's a lot of times you you know what what I tell well you know and I cover I cover a lot of this in my book it's how to how to talk to your children ho how to you know how to stay in control when you don't feel that way um how to keep keep your children behaving >> but um when they misbehave but you're Some people just plain aren't ready to talk about certain things, bring it up, >> but they ready for suggestions and solutions and they certainly they can't think deeply about it. So, you could be in a position where you approached a couple of people that, you know, they they're like putting their toe in the water, but it's pretty scary. And when you say, "Well, what would you do or how would you handle it?" Then they have to start thinking deeply about what happened to them and they're not ready. That could be what's happening different things that could have a lot of change. >> No, you're I think you're right. I think you're right there. You know, um as you know, we don't like to address all the stuff, you know. You like you said, we're not not ready to address it because it's just too much and it's too hard, you know. Um >> we're not all at the same level, you know. And um I just I feel very nervous and and and um skeptical about giving advice because I don't because I don't know where they are. And that's why I asked them, you know, what do you think you would do if you were in that position? You know, if you're telling me something, well, what do you think? Why do you think this person said this to me? And you know, I said, "Well, I don't really know because I'm not there." You know, you know, I could I could say something different because I'm a different I'm different than you are, but I don't know. >> But you don't know the person. They know the person. You don't you have absolutely no idea. And that's why your question is exactly right on. Exactly right on. And but see what I'm also hearing and this is just >> I'm hearing they're looking for to blame somebody. They're looking to put blame on that person. Yes. >> And they >> Well, you know, why would they say that to me? And and they're and they're looking for you to affirm their blame. The blaming >> their blame. And that that's what my daughter said. She goes, my daughter says that mom, they're looking for you to side with them. I was like, side with with them or what? First of all, I don't know what happened. like you know I just hear what is what is said but I don't know the person that did it and I don't know you know that person that well because I know that they're dealing with certain things and when you're dealing with pain and you know and trauma and all these things it prevents you from being clear sometimes and that's why you kind of need somebody to kind of back you this this is the right decision I made but when you ask yourself these questions I know for me when I was going through when I had to ask myself, do you think that was a good idea? I know it wasn't a good idea. I know it wasn't a good idea. >> When they want someone, >> they aren't strong enough in themselves yet. And and let me tell you another story. A few years ago, I was with a friend and I said, "Hey, so and so's having a barbecue. You want to go with me?" And she said, "No, I'm never talking to him again." I said, "Whoa, whoa, he's a pretty nice guy. What could he have possibly done?" I told him a secret and he told somebody else. >> And I said, "Isn't that funny? He can't keep his own secrets. Why would you tell him one of yours?" [Laughter] >> Good one. Good one. >> She wanted to blame him, but you know, he did. He had a big He couldn't keep his >> Yes. Yeah. That's a good one. That is such a good one. You know, why would you tell somebody that can't even keep their own secrets your secret >> and or give them tell them something and don't tell don't tell anybody else >> and you don't like >> they tell you they don't tell if they tell you that tell don't tell you anything then you know they tell you and you be like okay uhhuh and but they don't tell you don't tell nobody else and then you go say I I told you I said but you didn't say to say anything else to anybody else Some things I don't think are secrets, you know. I just think they're just >> Yeah. >> I don't think they're secrets. I think they're just things, you know? Like if you bought a dress at at at at um Macy's and you took it back, I don't think that's a secret. I just think I don't think that's a a secret to me, you know? I just don't >> Well, my brother, if you have a secret, don't tell anybody. Why would anybody a secret? And if it gets out, it's your fault. You're the one who called. >> It's your fault. Exactly. Exactly. That is the truth, Martha. That is the truth. So, tell me about why your mother loved your brother more. >> Oh, we got, you know, all my life. All All my life here. And I And you know, sibling rivalry is mentioned in my book, too. Yes, you can raise. >> Oh, we got to have you back for that. Yes. Yes. We got to have you back for that one. >> Well, you know, my mother was Italian, and the Italians love boys better. So, I had two older brothers and she loved them both better, but she really loved this the oldest brother. He was seven years older than me. And now, she loved us all the same. But I always looked at looked at it this way. But he was very intelligent, you know, all my life. You know, your brother's a genius. Blah blah blah blah. Yes, mother. What am I, Chop? >> You know, right? >> Smart. And he he he legitimately is smart. When he was 10, he built a television. when he was 16, he took a car apart, put it back together. He's he had his own business all his life. He was an electrical no a mechanical engineer. I mean, he legitimately he is a he is a genius. But so I had to and you'll hear this a lot, sibling rivalry, especially among um athletes. They'll say that I had to do something to be better than my brother. I had to be better at something. He was such a great athlete. I had to be even better. And so sibling robbery is not always a negative. And in for me, it helped me really. I excelled at school. You know, he was more hands-on and I was more more book learning. And I had a I was talking to a woman on the treadmill. She's 70 and her daughter's 50. And she said her daughter still says to her, you know, you always love my sister better. You get you do more for my sister. You this, you that. And I said, you know what? Let's both face it. If you have more than one child, you'll hear it till you die. But here's what you can say. >> I'm not a robot. >> Yes. You know, I love you all the same in my own mind, but I love different aspects of you. So, I'm attend to other things. You know, your sister does this really well and I really like it, but you do this really well and I really like it. So, if it looks like I'm I'm playing favorites, that's not how I see it. Now, if you want a robot, you then, you know, if you wanted to live with a robot, you'd have a whole different upbringing, wouldn't you? If I was a spot, you'd have a whole different upbringing. So, it's not that I love anybody more. It's that I see different aspects of you and I love different things about each of you. >> Yeah. Yeah. I told my kids um I loved each of you in a different in your strengths. >> Yeah. >> You know, one one of my sons was more hands-on. He could build a shelf for me. My other son couldn't do that, you know. and my my my daughter probably could but she wasn't willing to do it. So it I would lean on him for a lot of the outside stuff that the the labor part of the things and my youngest son was he you know he he has his negotiation skill with people that he one time he went to buy this car and it was like I don't know let's say I don't remember the number like $2,000 >> and he came back and he says yeah I got it for $600 and I traded him for what I knew and and and he and I I knew somebody that he needed something and we we got that and we traded that and I got it for $600. I was like I was like what? He said yeah he's talking to me about something else. He needed something else for something else. He's like oh I know a guy that's got that and and made the connection and I got the car for $600. I was like oh my gosh how could he has such a great negotiation skill. So when it comes to that you know I'm always looking to him to have those type of conversations. How do you do this? D and I'm looking at because he has that that full spectrum of things, you know, and my daughter is just a great, you know, she listens to me, you know, I I have a great adult adult daughter and mom relationship with her. She's such a great listener and she's just just great. She'll give me some advice and then become my mother all of a sudden. So, there you go. >> That's a blessing. >> She has wisdom. >> Yes. So now I want to get to the nitty-gritty because we've been chatting. We chatting. This is easy stuff right now. Okay. What's the single biggest mistake people make when they try to change a habit? >> Um they see the future. I hear so many people, you know, let's talk about the big ones, smoking, drinking, etc. There were, "Oh my god, I can't have another drink the rest of my life. Oh my god, you know, how am I going to live without smoking?" No, no, you're not. You don't have to. You know what? All you got to worry about is this minute. >> All you worry about is this minute. In the next five minutes, just today. Just tell yourself, you know what? Today, >> I'm not gonna have a donut today. Because if I thought to myself, I could never eat another donut. Please, I'd go get a box. >> Do it. >> No. I go get down. >> Get a whole box. A whole box. >> You don't Yeah. You don't worry about what you say is, you know what? But today, for 24 hours, I could do it. So, you know what? I'm not going to do it today and then tomorrow I'm going to I'll do it again. I'll work on it again. But all I'm worrying about now is today. You know, people and then they look they see the past does not equal the future. So if you had a bad upbringing, it doesn't mean that your future is going to be bad. And I tell people all the time, I give the I give the example, you know, I go to the treatment center every every Wednesday and talk to people who are in treatment and they're looking rough and I say, "I want you to realize this. People lived in concentration camps and got not a moment's warmth, tenderness, care, constantly people were wanting to kill them. >> But when they came out, many of them did not become drug addicts and alcoholics. The majority didn't. They went on to have get jobs and create families and have good lives. Now, if they could come out of that and still be productive members of society, don't you think you can? >> They went through the ultimate the ultimate. You got to stop with the woe is me because everybody has suffered in some way. I've never met anyone. You know that old saying, Edna about, you know, everybody's told, "Okay, everybody in the room, put put your problems in the middle of the room." Okay, now go somebody else's problems. No, everybody goes and pick up picks back up their own problems. No, I don't. I don't want, you know, I I whine and cried all my life. Oh, my mom loved my brother better. Blah blah blah blah blah and etc., etc. Well, you know, I know people. Nobody ever beat me. Nobody ever hit me. My love me, >> but but I had all these played all these blame games and silly games. Who knows why? And you know, and then I talk to people nowadays, people whose parents were really horrible human beings to them, especially when they were drunk or or or Dr. You know, one girl told me she would do drugs with her mother. In fact, she told me the story. Oh, is this a family show? I won't go further with that. Okay. >> No, no, no. Fine. Keep going. Keep going. >> Okay. Well, hers hers was her mother basically would sell her for drugs and but her but her mother wouldn't admit it. And I and she says, you know, I want my mother to admit it. I said, 'Your mother can't admit it. Don't you realize what that means that she is as a mother, right? >> She can't face that. She cannot face that. >> That shows too on her part. She'll never admit it until she gets help. And maybe even then. So if you're waiting for your mom to confess, she she's not certainly not ready, especially if she's still an active drug addict. >> So and then but then is using that as her excuse to continue to do drugs and you know and play her little games. >> Yeah, that's >> so just because you were mistreated in the past doesn't mean that you need be a mistreater. And you know that whole thing and you've heard this a times hurt people hurt people. Okay, understand that but don't stand around to be for the beaten, right? When someone you realize someone doesn't have it together, you need to get yourself >> out of their orbit. >> Right. >> Absolutely. That's a good Listen, you just gave us some jewels. That one that one concentration camp clicked. It It clicked. That is so such a good analogy to to give to someone. And hurt people hurt people. Yeah. No, you need to get out of the way. And you know that that analogy I gave that at the treatment center I don't know just about three weeks ago. One young man came up to me and he goes, "I'm a Jew. What you just said really hit hit me. Really got to me. >> That example was exactly right for me." >> Wow. >> Yeah. Wow. That's good. That's good. That's really good. So, what um we're going to talk about some shadow behavior now. I know you do a lot of that. So what small act of self- sabotage um like procrastination maybe or overscheduling is a person's is in somebody's mind that makes their biggest fear or their biggest problem. >> Well, let's see. You go to the grocery store and you buy a bunch of candy and you're on a diet. Those are little sabotages. Um, if you Oh, you know, I just gave a presentation at the women's expo in Novi, Michigan, and it was about how to say no without guilt. >> And I had a woman come to me and she goes, I and she was like 50 years old. She said, "I can't say no. I just can't." And you know where that comes from, Edna, is is kids. So, yes, we overchedu ourselves because we're weak. Because we're afraid that people will not like us if we say no. So we don't we have to get strong and say you know what I don't have to be liked by everybody life goes on but you know that's a process and you know this Edna it's a process you have to say no to one person and then and then realize it's not the outcome it's the action so don't if someone gets mad at you because you said no you're still successful you said no you said no and you did not have that time taken away from you, money, whatever it is you asked for. >> Exactly. Exactly. >> That's it. That I think that the biggest piece that you said is that people pleasing when you please people is because you want their approval. You want you want to make them happy. And and if and only reason why you keep saying it is because you want they them to like you >> and want them to accept you. And people will say, "No, that's not it. You got to be I remember in a conference I'm talking I'm I'm talking about saying no with a period." I have a book that's called No Period. It's a guide to people pleasing. Okay? No period. Right? And I I had to learn. >> I was saying no, but I had a comma. >> And the comma was explaining why I said no. And it gave them a foot in like the comma. It gave him a foot in to change my mind. >> So I finally said it's no period. >> And I remember this woman, she literally I was giving the talk, she literally as soon as I said that, you got to be kind. I mean, I was speaking I I've never had this before. You got to be kind to people. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. I said, "Well, you didn't ask me the question. I believe whoever asked me the question, but I said,"Okay, so yes, being kind is um is is something that you should be doing." But when it comes to you sacrificing yourself and you are losing, >> that's not kindness. >> That's selfdenial. >> You're denying yourself of everything. and you're putting yourself out there. I said, "So, it's not being kind when you're not kind to yourself cuz you can't show something that you don't have cuz I'm telling you, you give all the kindness away, guess what happens? You have none for yourself." And then pretty soon, you won't have any for anybody else. So, I remember that so distinctly when you said that, >> you know, and then she was shocked. She was like she had to sit back and like and I said I'd never had that but before anybody I said so I I'm guessing what I said kind of irritated you >> cuz what I was answering and I'll tell you is a woman said to me I have this business I know that it can grow further but I just it just doesn't. And I said well what do you think you're doing? I think I'm giving too much to people and then they give me what they want to give me and I don't make any money. >> So I was like okay. And I said um then she said to me and plus I'm a nonprofit. I said what does that got to do with it? I said that's a tax issue. That's not a money issue. Tax issue. So she says what do you mean? I said >> you're thinking that taxes being nonprofit you don't get paid. I said, "But remember that the organization Catholic Charities? Do you remember the the ar the arch dasis?" I said, they was like, I said, "How much money you think they have?" Millions. >> Millions. >> And she was like, so I said, "You doing that and thinking that you have, you know, you're not profit. You're doing that and you're putting a cap on yourself. You're limiting yourself. So that's what that's what's happening because you're pleasing people because where would that come from? Mhm. >> I rest don't care as long as you pay their taxes. They don't care, you know. And she's like, "Wow, I I never knew that that phrase was keeping me from not growing." Missy. >> Wow. And you know, let's take this full circle. She was criticizing you because you weren't kind. >> And in actuality, it was her that was one of her weaknesses. And that's why she had to lash out with the criticism. And it had taken it as a criticism, none of this would have been exposed and revealed. >> Right. Yeah. >> And she really took it as as a criticism. I was just saying just saying no, you have to be, you know, you you got to say no with a period because if you if you start to you start people pleasing, you it hurts your business. It really impedes your business because you know um and I know you might believe this too is your business and you or your workplace and you cannot be separate >> because wherever you go you are with you. >> So whatever is going on with you is going to where you're going. It doesn't matter. So um you know in the business world and I you know this too is people believe that that oh no I can put on a different hat when I go over there naked cuz definitely something's going wrong at home. Try as you may you take it right to work or try as you may. You take it right to your your business. It h it comes right out. >> Yep. Just like you said there you are. Wherever you go there you are. >> Yes. Yes. So, let's jump right into the last part of this is the recovery mindset. You deal with recovery in a raw environment all the time. What core behavior uh behavior principle that works for someone battling substance abuse can be immediately applied when they struggle? >> Well, one day at a time. They have got to think that. But, you know, a lot of people don't realize they don't realize that ego goes two ways. They always think that someone with a high ego has thinks too much of themselves. But in actuality, a lot of people they're stuck in ego and me me because they think so lowly of themselves. One woman at the jail now she said to me, >> "Why would God forgive me if he won't forgive the devil?" Now, right there, please. Who compares themselves to the devil? All right. Ego problem. What could this woman possibly done? But see, it's an ego problem. I'm so low. I'm such a P pos, you know, piece of dog. >> Yeah. >> I'm no good. It's all ego. It's all me me. If all you can think about is you and your sins and what you did wrong, you're stuck. You're stuck in um the bondage of self. And see, that's where a lot of people come in to recovery and things like that because they are they're bondage of self. All they think about is how does this affect me? How does this affect me? And I always give the example, I'll give you two examples. One is the dog has to go out. Now, there are three people that live in this house and the dog has to go out and he always comes to get me. What am I, the toilet attendant? So, you know, and and I think to myself, boy, I'm really this this annoys me. You know, the dog I got to take the dog out. >> Well, guess what? You're helping the dog. The dog needs you. So, you know, you're annoyed. Why? The dog needs you. So, so be annoyed. keep your big mouth shut and go help that dog. That's your duty as a human being to another living thing. >> One day um and I get I get aggravated all the time for everything. So one day I'm washing and my husband and son, they do not leave a mess. They'll leave maybe one dish, two dishes and and they'll come back to it later. >> Well, one day I'm washing a couple of dishes and I'm all aggravated like somebody left a dish, >> right? You know, just being ridiculous. And I look out the window, my brother's mowing the lawn, and my son's on a ladder cleaning the gutters. And I thought, there you go, Martha. Do you want to mow the lawn and clean the gutters? No. Wash the dishes and shut your mouth because, you know, and that's what we do as addicts is we see everything in terms of how it affects us. Me, me, me, me, me. Am I the only person out here? And especially women. Am I the only person around here that does any work? Blah, blah, blah. And for some women, that's true. Let's face it. For some women, that's true. I'm going to tell you right now if that's true, stop flapping your jaws and start. You put up notes. Trash needs to be out by 7 PM. If not, you owe me $5. Stop flapping your jaws. Start acting. You know, instead of yelling across the room, stop running. Get up and go touch the child. Look them right in the eye and say, "We walk in the house. If you want to run, go outside." And when they run again, you go, "I see you decided to go outside. Get up. Don't get mad. Don't yell at them. Just say, "I see you decided." They'll go, "Oh, no, no. I changed my mind." Yeah. Well, I haven't. So, you're out for the next, you know, however long, 10 minutes, whatever, >> right? >> You know, because there has to be a consequence. It's not a punishment, it's a consequence. But if you don't get up, >> you know, the dog one time that the dog I was eating dinner, lunch, and the dog put his paws up on the counter, and I said, "Get down." And he looked at me like, "Yeah, get up and tell get up and make me." And because that's he knew I wasn't going to get up. He knew I wasn't. He did not get down. But the minute when I did get up, his little paws got down on the floor. >> Soction, action, action. Not mean act. You don't have to be mean. Just, you know, I I see >> consistent. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And act. >> That's good. That's it. That's good. Martha, this has been a master class. Understanding ourselves. We've had a great talk. Thank you. Thank you, Martha. >> Oh, thank you. For our listeners who are ready to stop cycling through some of this negative patterns and learn how to truly rewire your behavior, this is how you can connect to this young lady here. All right, she is at facebook.com. Martha Bur B ur parenting. Got to find her. All right, cuz get there, get your consult, get it right. She's got all the words and all the things you need. If this episode has helped you see your own habits and patterns with new clarity, please like, subscribe, and share this episode. And to my esteemed guest guest, Martha, truly, you kept it real and on purpose. And we need to spread this insight. You'll be back to talk about your book, Sibling Rivalry, because I know I want to hear that. And we need all need to hear that. Till next time, keep it real on purpose. Bye for now. >> Thanks, Edna.