The Ones Where They Watch TV | Friends

Did I miss it? Did I miss it? No, no. I'm on right after this guy shoots himself. Whoa, she's pretty. Yeah. Oh, and she's really nice, too. She taught me all about, you know, how to work with the cameras and smell the fart acting. I'm sorry. What? What? What? It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense. You know, like this. Okay. Oh, here's my scene. Here's my scene. Mrs. Wallace? Yes. I'm Dr. Drake Remora, your sister's neurosurgeon. Tell me, is she going to be all right? I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected. Your sister is suffering from a... a subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee. Nice! You know, for a minute there, I thought you were actually trying to smell something. So how's the game? I have no idea. What? Yeah, I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff. I don't believe you! That is brilliant! And Monica has no idea? Nope. Every once in a while, I just yell and scream stuff at the TV. Hey! Is your team winning, hon? Oh, yeah. Anderson just scored again. There's no Anderson. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to Amazing Discovery! Oh, oh, my God! Guys, can you please not watch this? Shh! Folks, if this ever happened to you, you go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, but these darn cartons are so flingin' flangin' hard to open! Well, you said it, Mike. I don't... There's got to be a better way! And there is, Kevin! Can we please turn this off? No way, Kevin! What if I told you that there's a revolutionary new product that guarantees you'll never have to open up milk cartons again? Meet the Milk Master 2000! Are you intrigued? You're flingin' flangin' right, I am! This is the first time he's never used this product before. You're going to see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This works in any milk carton. Wow, it is easy. Now I can have milk every day. Hey, what are you guys doing? Monica's making us watch Old Yeller. So why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller. It's a happy movie. What? What are you talking about? Come on! Happy family gets a dog. Frontier fun. Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end? What, when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy? That's not the end. Yeah-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say the end. What about the part where he has rabies? He doesn't have rabies. He has babies. That's what my mom said. Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen. What? What's about to happen? I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, what you doing with that gun? Oh, no. No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no. He's your buddy. He's your Yeller. No. No, no. The end! The end! Okay, what kind of a sick doggy snuff film is this? Wanted to. Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best. Yeah, sure. Okay, in about ten seconds, you're gonna see him kiss me. And in about five seconds, you're gonna see what? Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Okay, get ready to see some begging. Oh, you came on to Ross. What? Now I'm so happy. What are you talking about? You used the Europe story. That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex. How do you know about that story? I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy. Some guy. No, she told me that his name was Ken Adams. Hey, is the show still on? Almost over, man. Hey, Nonny. Oh, is that the Pope? Why am I looking? Oh, Nonny, here I am. Look, this is my big scene. Alright, back off. I got a gun. I'm not afraid to use it. Oh, Joey. That's right, Nonny. You couldn't have at least changed your shirt. Now, I want a suitcase filled with $100,000. Filled with $100,000 in small bills. And if I don't get... And if I don't get it... I'm gonna shoot this duck. Oh, no. I'm coming out. Was she supposed to buy this? Joey, bravo. Ground control to major time. Commencing countdown. Engines. That's scenes from next week's show. Next week. I am definitely gonna watch that. Thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo. Alone? Yes, what is wrong with this dog? Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwing himself at the windshield? No, no, seriously, what's wrong with the dog? Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date? Oh, uh, didn't work out. Well, you wanna watch the rest of the movie with me? Oh, uh, okay, yeah. You know, I never thought I would ever say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me. Oh, sure, yeah, why not? Okay. Okay, that's him, that's him, that's Cujo, that's Cujo. Okay, all right, I know, I know. It's gonna be okay. Oh, my God. What's he gonna do now? I can't watch. Oh, seriously, how can you watch this? Aren't you scared? Terrified. Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books. I love her books. I cannot get on a plane without one. I mean, this is so cool. Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it's cool if you're 11 years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch. Hey, hey, hey, she's on. Ah, not a bing. Now, what is this about you being arrested in London? What is that all about? Your mom was arrested? Shh, busy beaming with pride. Oh, okay. This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man... Now, why would you say that's embarrassing? Shh. I just get this craving for Kung Pao Chicken. That's too much information! All right, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing. How is that going? Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate, but I get to see my son, who I love. Aww. If this is the way that I find out, most moms use the phone. You know, don't take this wrong. I just don't see you as a mom somehow. I don't mean that bad. Oh, no, I am a fabulous mom. I bought my son his first condoms. And then he burst into flames. Hey, hon, would you help me get the plates down? Yeah. Hey, here's an idea. Why don't we use our wedding china today? I think we should save our china for something really special, like if the Queen of England comes over. Honey, she keeps cancelling on us. Take the hint. What if something gets broken? They're so expensive. What is the point of having them if we never use them? Okay, but if something gets broken and then the Queen comes over... I will explain it to her. Oh, yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the Queen. Wow, the parade is really good this year. Man, those horses can crap. Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma. Muskogee? That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo-hoo! And here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap, Days of Our Lives. Oh, my God! Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap, Days of Our Lives? Yeah! I forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this down on my arm. Oh! Stupid long sleeves. What are you going to do? I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said, everyone has to be there, 6 a.m. sharp. That means you, Tribbiani. Like I was some kind of idiot. Well, you proved them wrong. This is my favorite part. Yeah, me too. You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No, wait, two. Because on the third day, my mother killed herself. So I was partly crying for that. Well, see, now that I can see crying over. But Bambi is a cartoon. You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died? Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer. Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying. You don't have to be so macho all the time. I'm not macho. Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just never really cried. I'm not a crying kind of guy. Come on, man, there's got to be something that gets you choked up. What if you saw a three-legged puppy? I'd be sad, sure. But I wouldn't cry. Okay, what if the puppy said, Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me. Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich. Well, if we learn one thing today, Cheese, it's that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix. Listen to that again, Max. Well, I couldn't have done it without you, buddy. You're a genius. Oh, yeah? Well, then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking five o'clock? So, what'd you guys think? Hold on, please. Joe, it's your mom. It's your mommy. So, what did you think? Well, that was, um, okay. It wasn't the best. That was one of the worst things ever. And not just on TV. What are we gonna tell him? Well, the lighting was okay. Oh, no, you don't. You got lighting last time. Lighting is mine. And I have costumes. Oh, great. That means I'm stuck with... So, we were watching you in there, and you were sitting right here. Whoa! What are you gonna do, Pheebs? I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh, no, I'm... No. I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him. And say nothing? Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right. Wow. Well, my folks really liked it. So, what did you guys think? Well, it wasn't that good. The one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay. Oh, look. See? Now there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. And that... Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? No, you're not supposed to play... Whoa. Whoa. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? Oh, Marcel, bad. Bad. Oh, God. Oh. Sorry, Barry. A little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. I swear. Who died? Well, we know it wasn't Dexter. Right, Marcel? Because... Marcel? How could you lose him? I don't know. I know we're watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe. Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know. The left one. Which ones? Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything. We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs. You know, you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people. No. Inside, good. Outside, bad. You guys are so pathetic. Oh, Xanadu! She's one of us now. Hi, you guys. We just wanted to stop by and say good night. Good night. Look at that. They won't even turn their heads. All right, you guys. Taking off my shirt. Nah, she's lying. So what do you think? I've still got it. Why did you get me this? What is it? It's yelling, bleeding, dilating. Oh, the dilating. Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's. Why were you even watching it? I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day. Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine's Day, you were right. It's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys. Yeah, it got four stars. Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars. Anyway, you want to take a look? Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now. Hey, what's going on? Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws? How long it took to go back in the water? Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day. You don't know. You didn't see it. Childbirth, it's a natural thing. It's beautiful. Oh, beautiful? Really? You think this is beautiful? Mother hates me! See, honey, there's no... Don't touch me! Uh, Phoebe's not here, is she? No. Oh, great. Did you get a movie? Yeah, yeah. But, uh, I don't think it's the kind you're going to like. You didn't get more movies that are going to have us reaching for the tissues all night, did you? Sort of. Guys, what's going on? Uh... Phoebe's a porn star! What? What? What are you talking about? Phoebe Buffay in Buffay the Vampire Lair. That's Phoebe. Where did you get that? Well, down at the adult video place on Bleeker. And I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to surprise him, and then I pretended that I didn't know he was in there. I mean, I just can't... I can't believe this. You know? I mean, you think you know someone? Even Phoebe, who's always been somewhat of a question mark? This is so bizarre. I guess it kind of makes sense, though. She had such a terrible childhood. I had a terrible childhood, and I don't do porn. Yes, but you're dead inside. Well, I better take that back. Why? I can't watch that. I mean, that's Phoebe. Yeah, you're right. We can't. We shouldn't watch that. Absolutely not. You know, maybe a little bit. How about just the first half? No, this is wrong, you guys! Phoebe's our friend! I'm not gonna watch it. Yeah! Good for you, Joe. Ah, I thought I'd find you here, Nosferatu. Are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places? Actually, I was kind of hoping it would be the other way around. Hold on a second. What is that on her ankle? Her ankle is what you're watching? Well, it's hard to tell. Oh, gosh. I thought she would just stop moving. She's just doing her job. You sick bastard. Oh, it's a tattoo. That's weird. Phoebe doesn't... Wait, that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe. That is Ursula! I can watch that. Rewind it! Rewind it! Hey. What's up? Oh, my God! He makes up most of his lines. Son of a... Yeah. Write this jerkweed. I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean? I fall down an elevator shaft? Uh, I don't know. I just bring the scripts. They can't kill me! I'm Francesca's long-lost son! Right. Amber. I want you to know that I'll always be there for you. As a friend and as your brother. Oh, Drake. Another day, huh? Where's the medical award? This? Yeah. Some guys are just lucky, I guess. Dr. Remore, report to first-floor emergency staff. Uh-uh. Well, then, uh... Yeah, I guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Wong? Dr. Wong? No, no. They only said you. Oh, okay. All right. I love you, Drake. Yeah, whatever. Oh, no! Drake, look out! Did they just kill off Joey? No! Now, maybe. United States garrison at Fort Sopter was fired upon. It is now under bombardment by... Hey, Dad. What are you doing here? Well, it's your mother's bridge night, so I thought I'd come into the city for a little monocuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars? I don't. I just... I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here, Dad? Well, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. What makes you think that I might not be okay? I saw Richard. Oh? So, how are you doing? I'm fine. Just a little tired, but I'm okay. How's Richard doing? You don't want to know. No, I really, really do. Well, he's doing terrible. Really? Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. You're not just saying that, are you? No, the man is a mess. Was he crying? No. Well, do you think he was waiting till after you left so we could cry? Maybe. I think so. Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me. You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while. It seems her father, your grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However... Hey, Joe. What's up? Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Oh. Sorry, man. But you watched the tape? Yeah, I liked it. But my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! You didn't watch the tape. What? Of course I did. Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? I'm not lying to you. I watched it. Oh, you lied again. I watched it! Keep going, Pinocchio! I did! No, you didn't! I'm telling you, I watched the tape! Did you watch the tape? No. I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar. But you are a liar. What did I just say? You still here? Yes. And I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... Okay, hold on. Let me just stop you right there. First, you lied. Then, you lied about lying. Then, you lied about lying about lying. Okay? So, before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying! Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? You want to know why? Oh, this is going well. Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay? If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. All right. Now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this, and it only aired in Japan. Ichiban. Ichiban. Lipstick for men. Ichiban. Lipstick for men. Saigo. And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape. He really is a chameleon. This is us getting ready for the prom. You know what? You guys, we don't have to watch this. Yeah, come on. Come on. Did you get a shot of Monica? Where's Monica? Over here, Dad. Wait. How do you zoom out? There she is. Some girl ate Monica. Shut up. The camera adds 10 pounds. Uh, so how many cameras are actually on you? Oh, what? Shoot, I think I got mayonnaise on you. Oh, that's okay. It's just the shoulder. It's not my dress. Smile. Oh, Dad, turn it off. It is off. Dad, it is. It's the off light. Right, boss? Looking good, Mr. Kato. You look really pretty tonight. Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer? Oh, you know, I'm just gonna hang out, work on my music. Is my hook on hook? These things keep falling down. I can't keep them up. Uh, hold on, let me see. I don't know. So what are you gonna do? No! The guys are here! This summer? Work on your music? You know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper. Where's Chip? Why isn't he here yet? He'll be here, okay? Take a chill pill. There. I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob. I can't go to my own prom without a date. I can't. It's too late. Well, if you're not going, then I don't want to go either. Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. Doubtful. Jack, give me that. Talk to your son. Your mother's right. Take her. You could wear my tux. Dad, she wouldn't want to go with me. Of course she would. You're a college man. I don't know. Come on. Don't you want to find out? I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom. Is it so harsh? Okay. Hold my board. Okay, you guys. I think we've seen enough. I'm not gonna watch, alright? Come on, kid. Let's go. Let's show them. Just a sec, Dad. Be cool. Okay, Dad. Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining... Oh, no. Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? Press the button. Which one? Which button, Jack? The button. The button. I can't believe you did that. Yeah, well... See? He's her lobster. Hi. I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault. Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves. What, no, like, nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge? No, nothing. You know what? We have to turn off the porn. I think you're right. Be like... Alright, ready? One, two... Three. That's kind of nice. Yeah, that's kind of a relief. You want to see if we still have it? Yeah. Free porn! We have free porn! Get out of here! Can't you see? Oh, smoking! Oh, look at me! Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault! Smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad, smelly, smelly cat, it's not your fault! Smelly cat, smelly cat! Oh my god! I know! I sound amazing! They won't take you to the vet. You're obviously not their favorite pet. Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault! Oh no! I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool! Now I can hear what you hear! Pretty different, huh? I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented! Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!