Are The Biggest Wine Brands Any Good?

Oh my god. An absolute disgrace to red wine. F*** this. All these f***ing things, they just taste of wine. Why am I rating s*** wine? What are we doing? It's red wine time and I'm a bit frightened. I have 30 of the biggest selling red wines in the UK. I'd normally chuck them straight in the garbage but they are upwards of 50% of what we're buying and drinking. So they can't be chucked in the garbage and I've got in here Kooné, Campo, Yellowtail, I've got Jam Shed and all sorts of other fun things. We're going to rack them up, get tasting and see if any pass the mustard. Right, here we go. Have any of you tasted a brand of wine that you used to like that you're beginning to think that's not giving me quite as much joy as it used to? Since we changed the duty rates, the tax rates on alcohol here in the UK, some of you naughty little people have lowered your alcohol level. The tax you pay on 11% wine is 50p less than a 13% wine. Whack the numbers up Fred. The other thing I'm looking for, and I know some of you have done it, is kept a ridiculous amount of sugar in your red wine. You think we like sugar and some of us sort of do. I don't. Well we're going to find out whether I do because sugar makes the wine slip down a bit more easily. Some of them have nearly as much sugar concentration as a can of Sprite. That's absolutely completely ludicrous. I'm going to taste these wines and I'm going to rate them out of five on flavour, body and balance. By flavour I mean do I like it? Is it juicy? Has it got nice fruit? Body is does it fill the mouth? Now if it hasn't got enough alcohol, it's not going to fill the mouth. And balance is energy and richness. Does it balance the two and keep me tingling? Right on with the show. There we have it. Done. Two wines on the class shelf. Pass. Very decent. And then here is a whole host of utter toilet water. These are the big brands. Some of these guys pay supermarkets to be on the shelves. If you're trying wine for the first time, bets are that you've probably tried one of these wines. First up was the chicken wine red. Flavour? That gets a four. Body? That gets a four. Balance? That gets a four. Shick hands Fred. We're off to a good start. **** me I hope it's not hardies. It's a perfectly acceptable I would drink more than two glasses of it wine. Oh number two. Didn't have to guess what this was. J.P. Chenet. That's absolutely horrid. It's 11% alcohol. So here's something that they've stripped alcohol out of to benefit the taxes and my god it tastes of ----. Number three which was a Primitivo. Totally good. Jammy. Little bit of sweetness to it. Good body. Good length. We're going to change this Fred. We're going to do class, pass and arse. We're going to put the class ones up there. I'm ******* annoying. Cune at number four. Quite good. Number five. Hit with a massive bombshell. The turd of the toasting. Oh my god. Now in wine you sometimes get some standout things. It's quite simple. Oh ----. Number five. Way big sugar. You are an absolutely revolting little thing. You're going on there. An absolute disgrace to red wine. Jam Shed Malbec. Rich, jammy and smooth. My arse. Yeah. Campo Viejo Rioja Tempranillo. This was totally acceptable pass. It's got a bit spicy oaky woody bits to it. I'm pretty sure that's Campo Viejo. A little bit too toasty on the oak for me. Isla Negra Cabernet Sauvignon. And this even looks thin. It looks watery. That feels like it's about 11%. Gets flavour two. It gets body two and it gets balance two. Surprise surprise. Number eight. Yellowtail Cabernet comes in at a pass. Lindemann's Bin 50 came in at a pass. McGuigan Black Label Shiraz. Flavour three. Body two. It feels like quite light in alcohol and balance probably a two. We're going to give it an arse. Peppermint Shiraz got a pass. 19 crimes. Consistent as always. Can't smell much. That feels very sweet to me. It feels rich, sweet and cloying. It's got a bit of black fruit but it's basically like sucking jam. Tasting note. Yuck. McGuigan Black Label Red. Oh ----. It's very thin. It's very sweet. That's getting a total of one point. You can put it wherever you want. I think we need a new category here. Major arse. Yellowtail Merlot. That brings us up to pass again. TBH. Bloody good going. Hardee's Crest Cabernet Shiraz Merlot brings us back to reality. It's misery. Isla Negra Malbec. That smells quite fun. Doesn't taste very fun. In fact it has sucked a lot of the life out of me. Number 16. Trevento Private Reserve Malbec. Gets an arse and it's rated by someone I rate massively highly. Trevento Malbec Yuko Valley 2024. I totally respect you Tim but I wouldn't want to drink two glasses of that. It was joined by Beefsteak Club Beef Liberty Malbec. Trevento Reserve Shiraz. Two on flavour. Three on body. Two on balance. It's absolutely arse. Campo Viejo Garnacha. It doesn't taste any varietal character at all. I have no idea what you're made of. You might be Pinot Noir. You might be Grenache. You might be anything at all. So you have got no character. Connoisseur Bicicleta Pinot Noir. Right here goes 21. Full to the brim. 21. Yes. Full to the bing. Bing. 21. That's an absolutely horrid one. 11%. You bad Pinot Noir. Santa Carolina Carmonare. Juicy, fruity, black cherry. That's quite tasty. That's got a bit of oomph to it. Flavour we're going to give it a four. Body we're going to give it a four. And balance we're going to give it a four. Let's go. Class. Castellera del Diablo Cabernet. Solid pass. And Oyster Bay Pinot Noir. Complete and utter arse. Isla Negra Merlot. Utter horseshit. And it tastes as such. Absolute toilet water. And Oxford Landing Shiraz. It's utter shite. Ribena. Kamala Zenith Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon. Should not be allowed. Utterly disgusting, rancid piss. It's sickly. It's more sort of redcurranty. That's like the strawberry sauce you put on an ice cream. So flavour gets a one. Barefoot Merlot. £7.75 worth of. Absolute bottom. That's an arse. Apothec Cabernet. I like to be consistent. This one hit the arse shelf. And then Most Wanted Malbec in a can. Most Wanted by who? Definitely not me. You get an arse. So I've just had a sit down and a cold towel moment and I'm just thinking the vast majority of these wines either taste of too much sugar or not enough alcohol. I.e. they're either thin and weedy or they're just juicy, rich and taste of nothing at all. So this is not even wine. This is not a wine category for me. This is like not where I want to be spending any money. I would literally so much rather be drinking a beer. These two wines here I'm absolutely all over. They are. They taste of wine. They taste of the sort of stuff that's going to give me joy. I'm not going to do any more of these videos. I am not going to taste this bullshit wine category that most of us are buying. They're singing to us from the shelves going please buy me. We're actually just lining the pockets of arseholes who want us to drink ----. So we are going to start tasting and buying wines, they're not expensive, that have some character, some oomph, some grunt to them. That's what we're going to do. To get started. Let's get started.